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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my partners ex should back off?

36 replies

nurserynurse2016 · 04/08/2018 19:02

Long story short, my partner has children with his ex. I've been there for the majority off the youngest ones life and just recently she's been diagnosed with cancer.

Since then, the ex has been on the go constantly, she sits in the house all the time, speaking to my partners mother, asks them for things/support/advice before she asks her own family.

She's always had an on/off relationship with me, liking me one day and hating me the next and just after the child was diagnosed she sent me really nasty messages that there were absolutely no need for. I spend a lot of time with these children as I often have them if their dad is away.

She was never as close to some members and now she's texting them asking for nights out and wanting to meet up and I feel as though she's just rubbing it in my face. She also has a really bad habit of trying to tell me what my other half is doing to my face, as if I'm not meant to know.

She texts my partner constantly, through the night and Half the time it's not even about the kids. She has a partner too so there shouldn't be any need for it.

I know I may sound selfish but this woman has made my life a living hell since I got with her ex and now it just feels as though she's digging her claws in!!

Help advice please? X

OP posts:
Excited0803 · 04/08/2018 19:07

You don't sound very worried about the child, but from your description nor does the child's mother. Both mother and father sometimes leave the child just with you, that's a bit weird. Maybe the dad isn't that interested either. I really don't know how to respond to your AIBU, but I hope the child recovers quickly and fully with the least pain possible. There are some good children's charities like Momentum that can provide extra support, it could be useful to look into what's available in your area.

ToadsforJustice · 04/08/2018 19:10
Hmm
Bluelady · 04/08/2018 19:13

Her relationship with your partner's mum is nothing to do with you. I'm not clear whether it's the ex or the youngest child who's been diagnosed with cancer. If it's the latter, she must be off her head with worry. It might be kind to cut her some slack.

Howhot · 04/08/2018 19:20

Quite honestly I'd leave her to it. Sounds like she's having a horrendous time and she's acting somewhat unreasonably but just get on with it. It doesn't need to effect your relationship with your partner. Your partner's family will always be a part of her life too

Littlechocola · 04/08/2018 19:23

Their child has cancer.

BlueBug45 · 04/08/2018 19:24

OP clearly her own family aren't as supportive of their grandchild which is why she's asking your OH's family first.

It is also up to your partner to tell her to back off. However as they are both going through a terrible time he's clearly too busy and distressed to think about it. Only if he mentions to you he's over whelmed by her messages should you suggest that he redirects her to her own partner for support.

I think you should calm down and continue not to rise to her, and then when the child is better then you need to deal with any issues.

Returnofthesmileybar · 04/08/2018 19:35

Jeepers you aren't covering yourself in glory to that's for sure. She can turn to your oh's family all she likes, it's their grandchild that has cancer ffs

rollingonariver · 04/08/2018 19:41

Their child has CANCER.
She can react however she wishes, you don't know she's asking his family before her own do you? Maybe she's asking both because she's struggling. Again, her child has cancer ffs.

Bluelady · 04/08/2018 19:43

So it's the child who has cancer. Dear God, OP, are you for real?

IceCreamFace · 04/08/2018 19:57

Bloody hell their child has been diagnosed with cancer? I'd be willing to cut her a mountain load of slack in those circumstances, however awful she'd been to me in the past.

Popc0rn · 04/08/2018 20:41

"I feel as though she's just rubbing it in my face."

Jesus, listen to yourself.

YeTalkShiteHen · 04/08/2018 20:44

I’m praying this isn’t real, but if it is OP, you are the one who needs to back off.

Their wee one has cancer. Cancer. She must be going out of her mind with worry, and probably wants to surround herself with people who love her child too.

Honestly? That shitty disease has had far too much headspace in my family for the last few years, but when it happens, you put pettiness and bickering to one side and support the person with cancer and their immediate family through it. Without question, without selfishness and without causing issues.

If you can’t, you need to leave. Sorry if that’s blunt, but it is the truth.

YeTalkShiteHen · 04/08/2018 20:46

And I say that as someone who supported my son’s stepmum (who I’ve never really got on with) when she was diagnosed the week my Mum died of cancer. We put all issues, petty niggles and all the rest of it to one side, because in the grand scheme of things, nothing mattered but getting her through her treatment.

shinyredbus · 04/08/2018 20:51

dont be so ridiculous. Their child has cancer. Not your child. Their child. You sound self-centred and mean.

Shitonthebloodything · 04/08/2018 20:55

She is entitled to be absolutely bat shit crazy if she has to because her child has cancer. I think you have to put up with whatever is necessary because like it or not you are all this child's family and you need to support one another.
She's probably being unreasonable and making demands on people because she's desperate to be around people that love her child too.

PowerPlayed · 04/08/2018 20:57

OP what would your ideal response to your post be?!

"Oh hun, she sounds like a nightmare, totally lacking boundaries calling your DH up at all hours and demanding support from her in laws....when her DD HAS FUCKING CANCER!!*

Un-fucking-believable

bluebeck · 04/08/2018 20:57

Rubbing what in your face?

This woman has a child with cancer - do you have DC? Do you have a heart?

Her relationship with your DPs family is none of your concern.

You are not coming out of this at all well - assuming it isn't some creepy reverse?

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/08/2018 21:00

If your partner is unhappy with how his ex is behaving then he needs to tackle it. It’s his child who has cancer too and his needs have a right to considered as well.

Leave his family to sort their own relationship with her, it’s no reflection on how they feel about you or your DP and nothing to do with you.

You sound quite heartless given the circumstances but it’s your home too and you need to talk to your DP about anything that’s bothering you.

TheQueef · 04/08/2018 21:03

Gonna be blunt.

Ex doesn't give a shit about you, honest her child has cancer.
She hasn't got the headspace for you or slighting you.

YABU and you should give your head a wobble, stop being self absorbed and help DH because his child has cancer, that's a big deal.

Suebnm · 04/08/2018 22:31

I'm fairly sure your boyfriend could do without you whining to him about the mother of his children being beside herself because their child together is very ill.

You haven't said what your boyfriend thinks about her texting him and his family. If he genuinely doesn't like her texting him and his family for support in the middle of this crisis about their child you should very carefully about your relationship with him for the future.

takeittakeit · 04/08/2018 22:54

To put it politely
My DC had major surgery, think ITU for 10 days , sick as a dog.

EXs new DP accused me of timing it with the arrival of their new DC. She chose elective C section - given two dates, knowing that one of them was the date DC was scheduled for more surgery.

Her child has cancer and f she expects your DP, the father or her child and is family to front up and come to the party then good on her and absolutey right.

My mum dies during our ill health bout - butt out.

Zfactorstar · 04/08/2018 23:47

This is one of the most selfish threads I have ever seen. I really hope your partner revaluates his relationship with you. If it was a male partner saying this the universal answer would be to leave him.

Bambamber · 04/08/2018 23:50

Advice? Stop being a selfish, judgemental cow

BunsOfAnarchy · 04/08/2018 23:52

Well OP wont be coming back anytime soon!

Poor child. And his poor mum and dad. No one should ever have to go through that. Awful. Just awful

Janni01 · 04/08/2018 23:56

Poor kid and their family going through such a tough time and then to have someone like you there must make it even worse you selfish prick.

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