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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you let your child see toxic grandparents ?

35 replies

mylittlefony · 04/08/2018 16:35

Just getting the general census.
There has been a huge family fall out and dp has decided he no longer wants anything to do with his mother.
Mil texts me ( not dp) at random times , calling ever name under the sun, being very rude and disrespectful .
She automatically thinks as she's my mother in law , she has a divine right to speak to me in this way but when I fire back , I'm being disrespectful .

Anyhow, she wants access to our children. She wants me to drop them at her house . I've refused so far because quite frankly a, the kids haven't asked to go and b, I'm not going to hand my children over to this toxic women . It's been over 2 years since they have seen them.

She still cannot understand this. Aibu to keep my children away ?

OP posts:
krustykittens · 04/08/2018 16:37

No, do not do it! My parents are toxic and it took me a while to see this. I regret the access they had to kids before I woke the fuck up. My only comfort is that we don't live in the same country so they had very limited access.

daughterofanarchy · 04/08/2018 16:39

Stay well away from her- your mil sounds like a control freak. I only say this because my grandmother was vile to my mother and when my brother and I would be alone with grandma she would say horrible, untrue things about my mum. Luckily my brother and I knew what she was upto.

jlm2514 · 04/08/2018 16:40

Mine sounds exactly like this!

AnoukSpirit · 04/08/2018 16:41

No.

Next question.

sue51 · 04/08/2018 16:42

Absolutely not.

Original poster
mylittlefony · 04/08/2018 16:43

I actually hate her at the moment .
For a pensioner, she's extremely immature.

OP posts:
0ccamsRazor · 04/08/2018 16:43

Absolutely no way.

RoseTinted1 · 04/08/2018 16:45

Of course not, don't allow them to be exposed to this abusive woman!

RoseTinted1 · 04/08/2018 16:45

And change your phone number! 😊

sporadicrains · 04/08/2018 16:48

I hope you kept those messages - so that when your dc are much older and ask why they've never been allowed a relationship with her, then you can show them physical proof of just why.

LlamaPyjamas · 04/08/2018 16:49

On the contrary, it’s awful if you and the kids go against DH’s decision to have nothing to do with her. You need to support him by going NC with his mother and keep DC away from her too.

Deadringer · 04/08/2018 16:49

I wouldn't drop them to her house but I would think about meeting up with her if she accepted that her name calling etc is out of line and she apologized for it.

scaryteacher · 04/08/2018 16:51

My mil started playing silly buggers before fil died, and was abusive and rude, and threatened us with legal action. She has not seen my ds since he was 16 (at fils funeral). Ds will be 23 this year. Ds has not expressed any desire to see my mil; and indeed has said until she makes a full and unreserved apology (which might involve sack cloth and ashes and many mea culpas said on her knees), he has no intention of ever speaking to her again.

You would be surprised how easy it is to go NC OP Block her number from your phone, and carry on with your life. She has no right to your kids.

theOtherPamAyres · 04/08/2018 16:58

text:
"I'm too upset to even think about what you have suggested. You need to speak to your son about future arrangements. Don't text me or involve me until you've spoken. I'm blocking your number until you do so."

The ball is in her court then and relieves the pressure to listen to any more bile.

MrsDarcyIwish · 04/08/2018 17:05

No way.
As pp have said, block her and move on.
What a piece of work Hmm

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 04/08/2018 17:07

I have been the child in this situation. Please don’t bother.

As a child with parents with excellent boundaries I wasn’t really affected by my grandparents. Can’t say it was a postitive use of my time as a child but no big deal. My aunt and uncle had less good boundaries and at least one of my cousins were definitely damaged by them.

NastyCats · 04/08/2018 17:14

No, if she can't be civil to you or DP there is no way she should expect you to just drop young children off at her house. If she wants a relationship with them she needs to address her behaviour to both of you.

We have an issue in our family and while it is not NC between our dc and toxic gp we have very firm boundaries in place for the children's protection and ours ' too.

Original poster
mylittlefony · 04/08/2018 17:32

I feel really sorry for dp. My mum would do everything for us.
She doesn't judge or go crazy if we do our own thing .

Mil has given me a lesson on how not to parent.

OP posts:
twoshedsjackson · 04/08/2018 18:04

I've posted before about how my mother made the break with her bullying father when her own mother died, (before I was born). Other relatives questioned this because he was faaaaamily, but she was adamant, and filled any possible gaps in my life with "honorary" aunties and uncles.
Other than a mild curiosity when tracing family history, I can't say I felt the loss as a child. Some shared DNA does not automatically make her a positive influence in the lives of your children.

Aprilshowersinaugust · 04/08/2018 18:08

Me and dh are nc with our dps. Dc have no dgps.
They are more than fine without...

Original poster
mylittlefony · 04/08/2018 18:12

The older children have had contact with them but not for 2 years now and they did have a bond so to speak.
My youngest doesn't know them at all . She was born at the 'beginning of the end '
She didn't acknowledge my youngest birthday recently so I hardly believe her pleas to see them anyway.

OP posts:
ImAIdoot · 04/08/2018 18:13

Don't allow people who behave in a poisonous way to disrupt your family. Reconciliation may even be possible at some point, but a total change of behaviour must be a requirement.

Also DP should be the decision-makers on this, on no account go behind his back or consider it. An adult who has paid the penance of a lifetime with an abusive parent will know better than anyone else (and may not have shared for shame/hurt) exactly how bad that person is in detail.

Toxic parents are a loooooong noghtmare. You get through this whole heap of shit for years l, you finally start to escape it and you vow your spouse/children will lead a better life free of the nastiness, that you will defend them - what you shouldn't have to cope with is someone subverting that, or even thinking about doing so, and letting the wolf in the back door.

I would be bloody devastated if I thought someone was going to expose my kids to the possibility of a re-run of some of the mad things I had to deal with from my parents, and they are both devious enough to try this sort of thing. Stand strong and United.

Racecardriver · 04/08/2018 18:15

I never let my mother meet anyone DH, I laws etc let alone my children. We let my DC have contact with FIL but they are quite young and yes supposed to die quite soon so we don't see the harm. MIL isnt bad enough to warrant cutting contact imo but that may change, not sure how we will deal with that if it happens. Shouldn't though.

JumblieGirl · 04/08/2018 18:24

No, why would you want your children to spend any time with unpleasant people? Regardless of whether they are related.

HaveSomeGrace · 04/08/2018 18:24

My husbands and I are NC to his biological mother and sister (who live as weird sisters) as they are both evil and toxic. It’s been nearly 7 peaceful years without them. Think my eldest might have a vague memory of them but not specifically who they are. Our lives are so much better without them in it.

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