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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell him (a friend) to get stuffed next time?

52 replies

TopShagger · 04/08/2018 10:29

I can't decide if this is more of a "what do you reckon" than an AIBU. Maybe it's a bit of both.

So, long story short, a friend of mine, who I and my family have done a LOT of favours for (and I do mean a LOT) isn't being as forthcoming as I'd like to think he would be now that we need (not want) a favour in return.

We aren't in the game of storing up favours, or doing them just so we can get one in return in case anyone thinks that. We're disappointed rather than pissed off. Basically the response is that he's prioritising his own shit. None of us said that to him about any of the countless times we've helped him when he's wanted something. We've usually dropped whatever we were doing and gone to help, often late evening, frequently weekends.

Am I being a knob or am I at least somewhat justified in being a bit miffed about this?

OP posts:

RelocationRelocation · 04/08/2018 10:51

I think you need to elaborate on the favours for us to determine if you're BU.

BoneyBackJefferson · 04/08/2018 10:51

Depends what he is prioritising and what favours you are asking for.

Original poster

TopShagger · 04/08/2018 10:57

Ok, I wasn't sure if the specifics would matter so I left them out.

We are a family of electricians and plumbers, he is a mechanic (not qualified but still a good mechanic)

We've known each other for donkeys years and about 18 months ago he moved in to a house in the same street as us. He basically smashed the place to bits (he referred to it as renovation) and created a shitload of work he couldn't do himself. Bit off more than he could chew in other words. We rewired the entire property, fitted his en-suite, moved radiators, installed his satellite system (we do that too) and god knows how much other stuff. None of which was actually necessary but his house so whatever. He was pushed for time because he and partner were expecting a baby so we hauled ass and got on with it. We didn't charge a penny, and even used a lot of our own materials without charging. Cos we're mates.

My mothers partner's motor has conked out (broken timing chain) and we asked him if he would fix it. He said yes, ripped it to bits after about a fortnight, and it's sat there for the last 2 weeks untouched. The vehicle is a few doors down from his place.

I'm just a bit disappointed, and at the moment feel I'm justified but I wanted to get some other views. I suppose I'm ranting too but feel free to add your thoughts.

OP posts:

Hygge · 04/08/2018 10:58

I suppose it depends on what these favours are and what the 'shit' he's prioritising is.

Also have you asked him to help and been turned down, or are you waiting for him to notice and he hasn't?

It can be hurtful when you've helped someone a lot but get no help in return when you need it. It can make you question your friendship and if you mean as much to the other person as they have meant to you.

If it's making you question why you bothered and you feel you don't want to continue in this way, then next time he asks for help you would be fine to refuse it.

How would it be to have a conversation with him before that happens and just say that you felt hurt that he didn't seem to want to help you when you needed him, especially if you haven't asked him for help but were waiting for him to notice?

Foslady · 04/08/2018 10:59

Dependant on the favour being requested back, and in general I’ll help anyone......but the minute I think I’m being taken for a mug then it ends

Foslady · 04/08/2018 11:00

In that case - unless there’s an underlying reason why it hasn’t been done stuff Him!!!

userxx · 04/08/2018 11:00

I think he's taking the piss.

longbar · 04/08/2018 11:02

I wish you were my friend you’ve spent thousands on him

BoneyBackJefferson · 04/08/2018 11:03

The problem isn't that he isn't returning the favour, he is.

The problem is that he is doing a half assed job of it.

But the problem with favours is that you can rarely put a time limit on them.

Hygge · 04/08/2018 11:03

Okay, so that was a xpost.

He sounds a bit vague and useless, but what is he prioritising over fixing the car? Is this a bit of an "I'll get to it when I get to it as this is a favour and I have to prioritise paid work" kind of thing?

As it's a family thing and more than one of you has helped him, this might be more between your mothers partner and your friend.

Is your mothers partner unhappy about the length of time this is taking?

But yes, if you do feel that he is taking advantage and not following through on commitments to help in return, YANBU to refuse future help.

abbsisspartacus · 04/08/2018 11:05

He is piss taking after all you have done

IceCreamFace · 04/08/2018 11:06

WTF you weren't kidding when you described it as a lot of favours! Unless you've missed the part where either him or a member of his close family is currently in hospital then he sounds like an utter selfish twat who liked to give and not take. Apart from being selfish he's also stupid because you'll know better than to help him in the future.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 04/08/2018 11:06

I think you'd be justified in telling him that you are disappointed that he hasn't hauled ads as you all did to help him!

Be honest and a bit more careful who you help out in future.

You sound lovely.

Original poster

TopShagger · 04/08/2018 11:08

It's not paid work he's prioritising, that would be understandable. He's one of these that's constantly dicking around with things that don't need to be dicked around with. Fixing his boat (even though it's not broken) "doing" his fence even though it's fine and not any sort of problem. Oh and going to a BBQ later (which I'm also invited to but not attending) so he "doesn't have time"

Maybe I'm just weird but the situation were reversed, I'd ditch the BBQ and crack on with the job. But maybe that's just me.

OP posts:

redastherose · 04/08/2018 11:09

Yep he's one of those people who expects everyone to help him for free but resents repaying the favour with others and will come up with reasons in his own head why it's fair that way. Only thing you can do is press him to complete the half done work, remind him of all the work your family have done and if he doesn't finish it refuse to do anything further for him.

CantThinkOfAnotherNameAgain · 04/08/2018 11:12

You're an amazing friend

LML83 · 04/08/2018 11:12

I know a timing belt is a really hard job, only 2 mechanics here do it. Also I know it causes a lot of damage if they break rather than be replaced before they break. It may be too big a job rather than lack of effort.

Mxyzptlk · 04/08/2018 11:14

I'd tell him you're disappointed he hasn't helped, as you asked him to, and that you won't be so quick to help him in the future.
Then dismiss any idea of ever helping him, from your mind.

I hope you can make other arrangements to get the car fixed, now that it's in pieces.

UpstartCrow · 04/08/2018 11:22

Tell him to put the car back together before he does anything else. he's being a dick, if you don't tell him to crack on he won't do it.

Bet you a tenner that he complains about you afterwards.

ScattyCharly · 04/08/2018 11:23

What you’ve done for him isn’t “favours”. It’s thousands of pounds worth of work for free . And you’ve actually supplied stuff for free .

Whilst I can see that he seems a selfish dick, I think you have been not very savvy here. If you’d charged him for the work you did, you could have paid to get the car fixed.

I’d not do any more free work for him (or anyone for that matter).

4littlebirds · 04/08/2018 11:31

I think you just have to take the lesson, which is don’t mix business and pleasure. I understand how it happens, as my family are similar, but you have to establish boundaries and stop doing favours.
Your mechanic friend sounds uncannily like one of our ‘family friends’. He had dh’s car for 6 weeks, would have been longer if we hadn’t ordered and picked up the parts ourselves.

teenagegrotbagbaby · 04/08/2018 11:38

The parents of one of my dc's friends trade favours a lot, and it is always stressful, for them and anyone who knows them, constant falling outs with people, misunderstandings, the "deal" not being understood or unequal or whatever. Most people I don't know ask for favours, because they don't want to put people out, but they do offer help when they can.

Another problem with the trading is the people who do favours and then call in the favour may do so at the worst possible moment or ask for things which just aren't possible.

Have you actually discussed it with him, asked what the delay is, asked if there is a problem, is it bad timing, ask what the plan is, ask if he is happy doing it and whether he saw it as a fair trade? Is it to do with the fact that his partner has just had a baby? When you offered to help did you say "and is it ok that you help us out with mechanics whenever we need it"?

Original poster

TopShagger · 04/08/2018 11:39

The thing is, my mother's bloke has told him he'll pay him to do it and he still won't pull his finger out. I have advised against paying, for obvious reasons.

I understand what people are saying about business and pleasure. It's just a shitter because it's not like he's a new mate we've only known 5 mins, we've been friends for well over a decade. I guess I'll just tackle it my self, I'm pretty good with cars but rebuilding an engine is a bit above my skill level.

OP posts:

teenagegrotbagbaby · 04/08/2018 11:39

Most people I know, I meant, not most people I don't know.

sporadicrains · 04/08/2018 11:40

He's a freeloader.

Come a heavy freeze next winter and he has a burst pipe, you won't be jumping when he says jump, will you?

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