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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell him (a friend) to get stuffed next time?

52 replies

TopShagger · 04/08/2018 10:29

I can't decide if this is more of a "what do you reckon" than an AIBU. Maybe it's a bit of both.

So, long story short, a friend of mine, who I and my family have done a LOT of favours for (and I do mean a LOT) isn't being as forthcoming as I'd like to think he would be now that we need (not want) a favour in return.

We aren't in the game of storing up favours, or doing them just so we can get one in return in case anyone thinks that. We're disappointed rather than pissed off. Basically the response is that he's prioritising his own shit. None of us said that to him about any of the countless times we've helped him when he's wanted something. We've usually dropped whatever we were doing and gone to help, often late evening, frequently weekends.

Am I being a knob or am I at least somewhat justified in being a bit miffed about this?

OP posts:
Original poster
TopShagger · 04/08/2018 11:43

Sporadic - No most certainly not! I don't like to say no to friends if I can help them but I guess I'll have to learn.

OP posts:
BrokenWing · 04/08/2018 11:51

did your mothers partner help with the renovations to his house?

Original poster
TopShagger · 04/08/2018 11:53

BrokenWing - Yes, very much so. He's elderly and not in good health but he's the "give you the shirt off his back" type.

OP posts:
Agastache · 04/08/2018 11:58

Go to a mechanic. Get the work done.

Send him an invoice for the work done on his house.

End the friendship. He is a user.

teenagegrotbagbaby · 04/08/2018 12:01

OP have you asked your friend why he isn't doing the car more quickly and what the problem is?

BlankTimes · 04/08/2018 12:06

Roughly tot up how much the work on his place would have cost if he'd paid you your rates for customers and let him know. Throwaway comment, 'Well if I'd known you wouldn't appreciate work we did which anyone else would have been charged £xxxx for..

Personally, if it's a big job on the car and he's unqualified and likely to stuff it up if he's shamed into it, I'd take it to a reputable garage and pay for it.

On another tack - doing free stuff. Don't.
People honestly do not appreciate what other people do for free. If they get something for nothing, they do not value it. They also don't feel the need to reciprocate with their time or skills or effort for what you've done for them.

This has been a hard lesson for you, I'm sorry he's such a taker, but so many people are these days.

If he has the brass neck to ask you to do anything else he's fudged, give him a (high) quote and get him to pay upfront before you start.

Original poster
TopShagger · 04/08/2018 12:07

Teen - Yeah. Every time I've asked him if he'll have time to at least doa bit he says he's too busy, has no time. But his definition of "busy" is going to BBQ's and shows, arsing about with his hobbies and generally doing stuff he fancies doing.

OP posts:
trojanpony · 04/08/2018 12:20

He is a piss taker of the highest order
the “favours” you outlined run into thousands.
I’d express disappointment to the wife and patiently remind him on the car front and give it anotherfortnight. Then I’d swallow the loss and take it and get it properly repaired if he hadn’t done it.
once it’s done I’d be done with him. Leaving someone without a car for weeks with no end in sight isn’t on and as a mechanic he knows that.

What a jerk Sad

Stillme1 · 04/08/2018 12:28

A broken timing belt does a terrible amount of damage to a car's engine and I would not get an "unqualified guy who is good with cars" to repair a car with that problem. I had a timing belt snap and it took more than a week in the dealership workshop to get it repaired. It also cost a fortune. I would be getting the car and the parts back from him and have the car transported to a dealership workshop.
I would not be helping him out with favours ever again.

MadeForThis · 04/08/2018 12:30

Return the favour.

Next time he needs something done start it then leave it for the exact same time as he does before you complete it.

Leaving it half finished is worse than just refusing to do it.

teenagegrotbagbaby · 04/08/2018 12:33

OP he is happy to do the work, and has said he is capable, and he knows that the car is needed urgently, and he sees it as a fair swap of time and labour? It just seems so odd... But if that is the case, I think it is worth having another straight conversation with him about what you expect and see if he thinks it is reasonable and if not why not.

You say you have done a lot of favours, dropped things day and night and weekends, for years and years, and he has never done you any favours in the past at all?

FatCow2018 · 04/08/2018 12:33

Another one saying a timing chain is a huge amount of work. DHs needed doing in October and it took 2 mechanics 2 full days to fix it and the damage. It may be that he's realised he can't do it but is embarrassed to say given all you've done for him?

Original poster
TopShagger · 04/08/2018 13:11

We've never really asked him to do anything for us, maybe help carry something down the steps or something like that. If what you're asking is "have the favours pretty much evened out over the years" then the answer is a definite no.

He's more than capable of doing the work, it's not usually as bad as garages will make out. I've replaced timing belts before - it's just not really something I do often, whereas he does so would be better suited to the job.

OP posts:
IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 04/08/2018 13:27

Some people, like you, would go to extraordinary lengths to help a mate out without counting the cost to themselves, the other type have no shame in accepting help over and over again, but also have no shame in not reciprocating. You, I'm sure, would be busting a gut to repair this car if the roles were reversed, because you would be glad of a chance to repay a favour and to help out a mate. You have learnt this lesson the hard way, like many of us, and will need to be more prudent in future about how much you give to others and to make sure that those people are worthy of your generous nature. This world is divided into givers and takers, you now know which one your so-called friend is.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 04/08/2018 13:31

I would be dissapointed in the circumstances too. I do t understand how some can take take take and never give

Labradoodliedoodoo · 04/08/2018 13:33

What’s his partner like? Is it worth talking to her and saying that you’ve asked a favour but he refuses to help and your surprised considering how supportive you’ve been

Original poster
TopShagger · 04/08/2018 13:39

His partner is lovely, really nice woman. But very quiet and timid, I wouldn't want to drag her into it.

I guess I'll just have to suck it up. Still a bit disappointed though.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 04/08/2018 13:40

I would be tempted to say something to him about this. He might need it spelt out in black and white. He obviously hasn't thought it over himself.

cleanasawhistle · 04/08/2018 13:42

That 'Lightbulb Moment' when you realise friendships are one sided.....

Me and my husband are the first to be called when a favour is needed by certain people.....not on thier list at all when we are in need,or if they are having a getting together etc.

Time to say no to piss takers.

Birdsgottafly · 04/08/2018 13:54

You have to toughen up and value your time and skills more.

However do you not see apattern? He ripped the house to bits, but didn't finish it, now he's done the same to the car.

I know people whose Partners do the same. They don't let them near a screwdriver, or hammer.

teenagegrotbagbaby · 04/08/2018 15:02

I still don't understand though. Have you told him clearly and directly your feelings and expectations about it, about the fact that it is urgent and important, more urgent and important than social events and hobbies, and that you have helped him countless times, or are you saying that you have made all that clear and all he says is "I'm busy"???!!!

Also, if you have known him for years and years, surely you would have been able to predict what happened with the car? All the times you have gone ahead with the favours and helping him you know that in all likelihood it is a one way street, plus from what you say of his personality he is not to be entrusted with a car repair?

Original poster
TopShagger · 04/08/2018 16:41

He is aware that it's important and urgent. I haven't informed him that my view is that it's more important than fucking around, no. I was hoping he would realise this on his own without any prompting. Same goes for the fact I've/We've helped him a zillion times. I know if it was me, and roles reversed these things would be at the forefront of my mind. I guess not everybody works the same. I knew that already, I just assumed he'd be a bit more obliging given all the above.

OP posts:
Roussette · 04/08/2018 16:53

I would tell him how disappointed you are. Say... look, we worked our arses off for you on work that would've cost ££££ and all we are asking for is you to sort out a car for us. We've done loads of favours for you in the past, we did work on your house that kept us busy for XX weeks, and never asked you for anything. We've never asked for payment although we're out of pocket, and this is the first time we've ever asked for anything from you. I need to be clear... are you going to do this pronto... or not?

If he had a conscience he would've come to his own conclusions but he hasn't and you need to spell it out. That's not being rude, that's not giving ultimatums, he can take it how he likes and if he is a true friend he'll be mortified and jump to it

fourquenelles · 04/08/2018 18:02

He basically smashed the place to bits (he referred to it as renovation) and created a shitload of work he couldn't do himself. Bit off more than he could chew in other words.

This struck me. I wonder if that's how he is generally, including his mechanic work. Maybe he can't fix what needs fixing and so is procrastinating/delaying. My opinion? Take the car to a "proper" mechanic and don't do him any more favours.

luckycat007 · 04/08/2018 18:41

Bin him. Friendship should be about give and take. Not take take take. And I'm referring to the emotional vampires in that statement too.