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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

"you must have looked hot tonight."

45 replies

Really2018 · 04/08/2018 02:19

I went out to a casino with friends around 11pm. Friend had other (male) friend with them, who was clearly intoxicated. The male friend of my friend then decides to grab me by the middle and rest his head on my breasts. When I push him off and get angry, he retorts with "get a grip, it's not like I was grabbing your ass or your tits."

Ten minutes later when playing roulette, a random man comes up behind me, starts feeling me up and pushes his erection against my back (all rather discreetly). One of my friends sees this and swaps places with me, but nothing else is done. I went home at and called DH because I felt violated and wanted support. When I told DH what had happened, he responded with "you must have looked hot tonight." I got upset and he apologised, stating that it hadn't been the right thing to say.

I'm upset with him, not just for making me feel like I'm overreacting, but also for seemingly not really caring that I'm being touched in that way by strangers.

AIBU to be fuming?

OP posts:

Apileofballyhoo · 04/08/2018 02:23

YANBU. It's a very sad state of affairs.

Disquieted1 · 04/08/2018 02:27

Fuming at your husband for saying something completely crass and apologising? Or fuming at the way these appalling men treated you in the casino?

rainbowsandsmiles · 04/08/2018 02:29

A friend decides to rest his head in your breasts. 10 minutes later someone different is pushing their erection into you?
That's unfortunate. Where the hell are you going? Course that's not acceptable if true.
Then on top of all that your boyfriend isn't concerned with either and just says "you must have looked hot?" wow.

Original poster

Really2018 · 04/08/2018 02:29

@Disquieted1 I'm not even sure which I am more mad about. The assault or the reaction of my DH.

OP posts:

Original poster

Really2018 · 04/08/2018 02:31

@rainbows I was really shocked. I wasn't in a seedy place (not that it should matter).

OP posts:

Churrolicious · 04/08/2018 02:37

That’s horrible, both what happened and his reaction to it.

thebewilderness · 04/08/2018 02:44

1st rule of misogyny: Women are responsible for what men do.

When the person who says they love you blames you for men's inappropriate behavior toward you he has just told you something you did not know about him that he wanted to keep hidden.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 04/08/2018 02:51

I wasn't in a seedy place.

I don't know so much. The place sounds dire to be honest.
If a random bloke touched my breasts and rubbed himself against me with his cock.
I'd be calling assault.

As for your DH where do I even start.
You must have looked hot.. My dp is no Saint, far bleedin from it. However. He'd be running a mock if that happened to me. He wouldn't be acting like pervert apologist. Well he's not acting like one he is one.
I can't and wouldn't tell anyone to LTB. That is a personal decision.
However for me, personally.
That would be the end of our relationship.

Monty27 · 04/08/2018 02:55

Why do you hang out in gaffs like that? It sounds like your dp is disrespectful too. Sorry

thebewilderness · 04/08/2018 03:05

Men do this sort of groping and humping women everywhere. On the tube, the train, buses, pubs and casinos. Every effing where.

rainbowsandsmiles · 04/08/2018 03:08

Awwlook it wasn't one man touching breasts, it was apparently two different blokes within 10 minutes of each other breasts and then erection rubbing.

LemonysSnicket · 04/08/2018 03:09

My boyfriend (skinny as he is) would have twatted someone, gotten his friends or got the security. Gross

Original poster

Really2018 · 04/08/2018 03:15

It was two different men, I think that was wha upset me in the first instance. I'm not going to leave my DH over this comment, but I'm really disappointed that he said that and didn't provide me with the support I thought he'd give me, even though I called him in the middle of the night.

OP posts:

AjasLipstick · 04/08/2018 03:16

I think that's terrible OP....my DH is very impulsive and a bit overprotective and though he wouldn't have DONE anything, his reaction would have been outrage.

He wouldn't just be like that with me though...I think he'd feel the same for anyone male or female who was assaulted.

I think you need to give your DH a talking to about expectations regarding women's bodies.

imsotiredofitall · 04/08/2018 03:28

I am a sexual assault survivor- MULTIPLE TIMES and a survivor of DV and men just do not understand ususally. i am sorry you did not get a more supportive reaction

SilageMarner · 04/08/2018 04:55

So is that what your DH does when he sees women who are “looking hot”?

Of course I don’t think it is for a second - however I do think that in his furious denial, he might get a tiny taste of how you felt about it when he said it! Men aren’t helpless to control themselves. And as a woman, it isn’t your job to control them

Although he has apologised, I would be having a chat with him in the morning. I’d also be telling the friend of the breast molester exactly what he got up to, in no uncertain terms.

Secretlifeofme · 04/08/2018 05:14

Not excusing your DH, but clutching at straws here... Was he maybe trying to make a clumsy joke to make you feel better? Obviously it wouldn't make you feel better, but maybe that's what he was clumsily going for?

Pengggwn · 04/08/2018 05:42

Why are people asking the OP where she was? Is she responsible for people groping her because she was there?

YaLoVeras · 04/08/2018 05:59

That is awful. Your H's comment takes all responsibility away from the men who groped you.

Id be more hurt by H's comments.

Obviously 2 lechy men in one evening is depressing as well, but not that shocking.

newdaylight · 04/08/2018 06:13

Why do you hang out in gaffs like that?

So as well as your fault for looking hot according you your dh its your fault for being in the wrong place according to this poster.

zzzzz · 04/08/2018 06:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lottie2017 · 04/08/2018 06:32

I hate this notion that if woman dresses in a certain way, it legitimises what is basically assault. I was grabbed in the crotch area when walking through a city in my younger days- I was wearing jeans and boots. More recently, I was yelled at repeatedly to get my tits out. I was heavily pregnant and walking down the road with toddler DD at 9am 😡 I guess my point is that these things seem to happen to women all the time and everywhere and it is wrong whether they are wearing a short skirt and heels or a winter coat. If you are dressed up for a night out, it shouldn't be seen as an invitation for a man to touch you or speak to you inappropriately. I also hate the way this behaviour is normalised too, 'oh it's just a cheeky grab'.

user1471517900 · 04/08/2018 06:37

How did you say it to your DH. I would imagine he probably took his lead off you. If you were upset then he would be too. If you told him calmly then he might have followed that lead.
Also you say it's the middle of the night. Might you have woken him up so he wasn't thinking straight.

ShumpaLumpa · 04/08/2018 06:43

Was I also to blame for the man who ground against my back because I dared to hang out in gaffs like the Tube?

RunningOverTheSameOldGround · 04/08/2018 06:49

1st rule of misogyny: Women are responsible for what men do.

This^^.

The second one is especially grim. Who thinks that’s ok? That is assault in anyone’s book.

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