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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cousin’s wedding and Step-sister

40 replies

LeinsterLassy · 03/08/2018 20:38

My mam remarried about 8 years ago when I was 16 and my step-sister about 12.
Step-Dad lovely man, no complaints. My mother was respectful of his ex and their daughter spending quality time with her but allowing Step-Dad and his daughter time alone as well.
However occasionally and I mean very occasionally there were issues between my mam and him if she spent massive amounts on me e.g. trip to New York. He felt the same needed to be spent on her. Just to be clear he never tried to stop her spending on me. She never lived with us and I hardly know her but when we do meet we are fine!
So my cousin is getting married and I am in the wedding. My mother has now asked me to decline wedding invitation as step-sister is not invited. Step-father is fuming apparently.
I can’t let my cousin down like this. My cousin would know my step-sister well enough. Probably would see her in our small town and would see her at my mam’s as my aunt and mam live near each other.

OP posts:
Clairetree1 · 03/08/2018 20:41

No, don't decline,

its up to the couple getting married who gets invited to their wedding.

There is always pressure on numbers

Its silly to get upset about not being invited. And its not your problem if she is upset

pasturesgreen · 03/08/2018 20:42

I'd prioritise a cousin you presumably are close to over a step-sister you 'hardly know'. Your mum cannot dictate who goes and doesn't go to the wedding.

Hisnamesblaine · 03/08/2018 20:43

Is your mum declining also?

MyKingdomForBrie · 03/08/2018 20:45

Can you have a quiet word with your cousin and ask for an invite? If I was your cousin I'd be horrified to think I was causing upset for the sake of one guest!

ivykaty44 · 03/08/2018 20:46

It’s your invitation and your step father is over stepping the mark

Tbh I would let your sf know that it’s not acceptable to put pressure on someone to do what they want for their own reasons, it’s controlling. That depends though as to whether there would be repercussions for your mother

DioneTheDiabolist · 03/08/2018 20:49

I wouldn't decline OP. If your mum wants to then that's up to her, but it is ridiculous for you to not be part of your cousin's (who has known you all her life and who is a member of your family) wedding in case your 20yo step sister feels put out.

Original poster
LeinsterLassy · 03/08/2018 20:49

She claims that step-Dad has issued her an ultimatum. He claims step-sister has never been included in family occasions. My mam is planning to go on holiday to avoid confrontation with aunt. He apparently has tallied up all presents given to me by extended family and is fuming over my choice of Godmother for my baby. It should have been step-sister.

OP posts:
peanutbutterclusters · 03/08/2018 20:52

OP- has absolutely nothing to do with your DF, you make your own decisions. your step sister needs to find a hobby other than sulking

Original poster
LeinsterLassy · 03/08/2018 20:54

I have no idea if step-sister even knows about the wedding. It is her daddy who is moaning at my mam about her family.

OP posts:
Smidge001 · 03/08/2018 20:55

I'd definitely have a quick word with your cousin, to try to find out if she could extend an invitation to your step sister. She might be quite happy to add her in, and you could really quickly resolve this without any fallout. Definitely worth a quick conversation to find out the lay of the land.

LoveInTokyo · 03/08/2018 20:56

Please don’t miss your cousin’s wedding. It’s none of your stepfather’s business and he will have to get over it.

DPotter · 03/08/2018 20:56

I think your Mum has a DH problem.

From your report I don't think he is a lovely man. He's keeping score in a game of his own making and he thinks he's loosing. You need a quiet word with your Mum: you're 24 and you decide whose wedding you go to and who you choose for a godparent. I don't know about you but I never respond well to an ultimatum.......

DioneTheDiabolist · 03/08/2018 20:56

Does your step sister know what he's doing? He can't make your family centre or even include her because he feels guilty.

MyAuntyBadger · 03/08/2018 20:56

Has your step sister ever gone to a wedding without you? If her cousin (on her mum's side) was getting married would you expect her to decline if you weren't invited? I definitely wouldn't decline just to keep your step dad happy, your cousin's wedding day is more important.

DPotter · 03/08/2018 20:58

Why should the OP have a quiet word with her cousin? Totally up to the bride / cousin who she invites. If anyone needs a talking to it's the stepdad

ForgivenessIsDivine · 03/08/2018 20:59

No need to get your cousin involved in this. Tell your mother that she is being ridiculous to go on holiday rather than go to the cousins wedding and that you will not be declining. Tell your step father he is looking for problems where there are none.

LittleOwl153 · 03/08/2018 20:59

So what is the issued ultimatum? Personally I wouldn't let him control you. I'd also be wary of the impact this crap is having on your mother. Does she need to get out of this relationship? I understand about the similar spends when you were kids etc . But trying to co troll your life - presumably as an independent adult - is not on.

peanutbutterclusters · 03/08/2018 21:00

sorry i must have misread -baby brain Blush ...
I would go to the wedding, your DSF will surely forgive you eventually, however this is your cousins special day

MotherofTerriers · 03/08/2018 21:09

I would go to the wedding. It's really not up to your SF to decide who is invited. I'd feel a bit sorry for your mum - it does sound as if he is keeping score in an unpleasant way and is being very controlling. Maybe a coffee out with your mum to discuss?
But don't let your cousin down and have a lovely time

sockunicorn · 03/08/2018 21:12

OP, can i ask, does his family 100% include you? He thinks your mothers family should include his daughter so is HER daughter included in his? do his siblings, parents and cousins all spend the same on YOU as your step sister (their blood relative) ? And do they treat you the same as her?

dinosaurkisses · 03/08/2018 21:21

Does your step sister even care that she's not invited?

Personally I'd be glad I'd dodged a summons to a wedding of distant step-relations and avoided spending money on a new outfit and gift.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 03/08/2018 21:24

Sorry, I'm another one who thinks your step dad is being ridiculous, don't indulge!

ScrubTheDecks · 03/08/2018 21:24

Your SF is being a complete arse.

Who does he think he is to stop you, and your Mum, going to a family wedding?

He may have something in how he and his Dd are treated but trying to control your invitation is hardly the way to go about discussing it!

Original poster
LeinsterLassy · 03/08/2018 21:24

The step-sister’s mam’s family isn’t really analogous as she obviously isn’t related to me . Nobody would include their cousin’s ex’s stepdaughter in a wedding.
This thread has made me have a think. When Mammy and him first met his younger sister got married and Mam and I went in evening I was about 12 ( incidently this was first time I met step-sister). I was invited to his niece’s wedding a couple of years later but this time we lived in his house. In first few years I always got chocolate and bath stuff from his mam and sisters. No idea what they gave step-sister. I think difference is between us is I lived with her daddy but she never lived with my mam, a year after they married I was away at university.

OP posts:
letsmakeacake · 03/08/2018 21:42

I think he is being ridiculous. I didn't get invited to one of my cousins weddings as we are not close and I have absolutely no idea if my siblings were invited or not, but if they were then I would assume it's because they're closer and there's a limit to who you can invite. It's not as if your step sister will be left at home on her own while the rest of the family does to the wedding since neither of you seems to live with your mum and her dad at the minute. I also can't understand your mum not wanting to go. I can't see anything wrong with your cousin inviting her auntie (and I'm guessing your SF as her auntie's husband).