Cousin’s wedding and Step-sister

[LeinsterLassy]

My mam remarried about 8 years ago when I was 16 and my step-sister about 12.
Step-Dad lovely man, no complaints. My mother was respectful of his ex and their daughter spending quality time with her but allowing Step-Dad and his daughter time alone as well.
However occasionally and I mean very occasionally there were issues between my mam and him if she spent massive amounts on me e.g. trip to New York. He felt the same needed to be spent on her. Just to be clear he never tried to stop her spending on me. She never lived with us and I hardly know her but when we do meet we are fine!
So my cousin is getting married and I am in the wedding. My mother has now asked me to decline wedding invitation as step-sister is not invited. Step-father is fuming apparently.
I can’t let my cousin down like this. My cousin would know my step-sister well enough. Probably would see her in our small town and would see her at my mam’s as my aunt and mam live near each other.

Why is he being angry about you attending something over which you have no control? If he is that angry, maybe he should take it up with his wife's sister and her daughter, being reminded of course that his dd probably knows nothing about it and therefore does not have an opinion. She is an adult ffs, it is about time he let her grow up and fight her own battles.
It is ridiculous and childish to expect you to decline an invitation just because numbers are probably limited and you are one of the lucky ones.

Do you and your Step-sister have a relationship on your own, without your parents? Do you catch up for coffees etc? Because THAT to me is the telling part. If the only reason you have a relationship is because your parents happen to be married, then you are not truly a combined family, and your step-father can just deal with it.

My nephews have step-sisters, now that they've all left home the kids catch up on their own, without their parents around. In fact the step-sisters have a wonderful friendship with my other nieces, who are their step-cousins and two of them even flat shared for awhile. Now THAT is a blended family.

While I think your mother asking you to decline the wedding is pointless and reductive I think I sympathise with your step dad. They have known her since she was 8 4 years before they married. I feel physical pain when my eldest child is excluded from step-family shenanigans.

Your step dad sounds like a dick.

So at the age of 24 as you are now...he has issued your mum with an ultimatum that you decline the invite or what? The marriage is over?

Expecting equal value gifts for his DD from your extended family is unrealistic. With stepchildren...the equal treatment should come from the parents... you can't demand and expect grandparents to splash out on a child they barely know.

You've not seen.her much yourself...so extended family see and know her even less.

Your SD is controlling.

Don't decline the invite and why should your cousin invite someone she barely knows because her Aunt married her dad.

It's ridiculous. Your mum can go on holiday...but she can't demand that you decline.

Is he as controlling in all aspects of life?

Your mum must be living in hell with him.

This is bonkers, It is your step father who needs a word saying to him, no one else. The extended family cant run round after his daughter

I think he is projecting his guilt about not living with his daughter. Not your problem

They have known her since she was 8 4 years before they married

Where did it say that. The parents married when. Stepsis was 12..I didn't see mention of 4 years prior.

There is no mention of whether the extended family actually know the stepsister and have any kind of relationship with her.

How often would your cousin even have seen her?

She's now 20.... so not like a little kid is being left at home.

The sooner steparents stop expecting their spouses extended family to treat their child exactly the same as their blood relative...the better.

If it's at the stage of younger kids and you give one a gift in front of the other and nothing for the step...that's insensitive and unfair...but a Grandparent, Aunt or cousin should not be expected to spend equal on a child just because their relative married the child's mum or dad.

They were together 4 years prior to marrying. Op 12 SS 8.

You're a grown woman. Whether you go or not has nothing to do with your parents.

Tricky! Is this your mums sisters daughter we're talking about? I'd be very unhappy if my husband expected me to freeze out my niece in this way. I assume he's been invited. There's some issues and guilt there. If you can't sit down and have a pleasant but assertive conversation with him then clearly a) he's not quite as lovely as you seem to be referring too and b) he's got issues!! Generous of you to draw attention to his good side, but where will this end if you cave in?
Sorry such a nice family event has become a battle ground. I'm getting married myself shortly and I've had a few moments along the way with invites. I acquiesced and you know I'm glad I did.

Your cousin may be mortified to know this is going on, but this could have repercussions re family relationships in future, if you're close to her she may need to be aware of it.

Your mums husband isn't really that lovely is he ? Go to the wedding your mother clearly has no regard for your feelngs what a horrible man he is.

He’s behaving as if you are children. But you are not, you are adults.

Don’t decline your cousin’s wedding for such nonsense.

Trying to dictate who you choose as your baby’d Godmother is outrageous.

Disengage - this is not your problem. If he wants an invitation for your step sister he’ll need to ask.

Are you sure your step dad is a lovely man - no issues there?