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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DD new boyfriend

41 replies

sayhelloto · 03/08/2018 17:46

  • Sorry but posting for traffic as no input on the teenagers thread & this is an AIBU!

My DD is 16, just finished her GCSEs, worked really hard and now having a chilled summer meeting up with mates etc.

Now the bad news : she has just started ‘dating’ this lad in her year who was really badly behaved at school! I have heard all sorts of things from her (!) and other parents in the past about him constantly being in trouble and involved in big incidences/dramas. He has always been in her friendship group so she used to tell me all the tales of his exploits!

Now she says she has got to know him really well and he’s a really nice guy and has matured but was just an idiot at school and now wants to come back for sixth form and change his ways.

He came round for dinner the other night and was incredibly charming... but I’m really doubtful! I’m just seriously concerned about her dating him because I have heard so many negative things about him, also she used to say how he dated girls all the time... now she is one of them!

Not sure if I should properly express my concerns to her or let it play out? I’m really worried about her getting hurt! AIBU?

OP posts:
Confusedbeetle · 03/08/2018 17:51

No, you have to let this one play out. My parents were foul to every boyfriend including my husband of (now 45 years) If you disapprove you will drive her away. Let her find out for herself and support her choices. She will not thank you otherwise and will be more determined to see him. Let it run its course. You cannot protect her from hurt but you can support her and pick up the pieces when she needs you. A hard one, but she is on the cusp of becoming a woman

cmlover · 03/08/2018 17:52

the more you tell her not to date him... the more she'll want him more.

she's 16, make sure she knows to use protection and if she talks about problems.dont judge just listen.

Ohyesiam · 03/08/2018 17:52

I have a teen daughter, so can see what you mean. My instinct would be to stay out of it, because you want to keep the channels of communication open and not alienate her. The last thing you want is for her to shut down, then throw “ you’ve never liked him “ at you.

I would keep a close eye on it and let her know you will always be there to listen.
You never know op , he might have matured a bit and pleasantly surprise you.

kenandbarbie · 03/08/2018 17:52

Since she already knows him really well and she is aware of what he has been like, I'd say trust her judgement on this.

AnExcellentUsername · 03/08/2018 17:53

What can you do? If you start demonising him and try to keep them apart you'll only drive her towards him. Chances are it'll fizzle out naturally at that age anyway.

Barbaro · 03/08/2018 17:55

He may well have changed. Maybe it's a lie, but lots of teenagers rebel and do stupid stuff when younger. Maybe he's realised he's an idiot and needs to change.

It's doubtful they will stay together forever anyway even if he has changed, teenage romances rarely last. Just let them have fun, make sure they use protection if they go further, and listen if things go wrong. But never ever say 'I knew there was something wrong about him', even if she says she hates him. You'll just drive her back there.

Dixiechickonhols · 03/08/2018 17:56

Positives to focus on. She knows him, been part of hers friends group. She is telling you about him. He was willing to come to your house and was polite.

Original poster
sayhelloto · 03/08/2018 18:03

Thanks for all the responses.

For “what could I do” - I guess I was wondering to gently remind her of the type of guy he has been and whether that’s someone she wants to be with!

But I do agree with you all and the positives. It’s just really difficult because I have literally heard so many stories about this lad, how he was a serial dater, constantly in trouble etc, to me he has always sounded older than his years and a bit of a twat! And now my daughter has bought him home!

Sorry that sounds terribly judgemental doesn’t it? :(

OP posts:
28holid · 03/08/2018 18:08

Don't say anything. She has been happy to tell you all sorts in the past, keep that line of communication open. The minute you say anything remotely against this she will clam up. Be there for her, but hope that it fizzles out very soon!

Racecardriver · 03/08/2018 18:09

My husband was nearly thrown out if school for causing criminal damage to the grounds (nothing dangerous, just a really epic practical joke). He is now a very serious, teetotal/health conscious, straight and narrow type with a PhD and a good salary. I can't say that he has been an ideal husband and elements of his wilder youth still shine through but he is certainly well passed his epic practical jokes days. People do change, most people do things in their youth that they would never consider as they get older. Sometimes that maturity comes quite quickly. Wait and see.

Original poster
sayhelloto · 03/08/2018 18:41

Thanks! Looks like don’t say anything is winning!

OP posts:
hidinginthenightgarden · 03/08/2018 18:47

My parents tried to stop me seeing a bad boy. If they had shut up and left us too it, it would have been over in a few weeks. Instead they pushed and I felt I had to prove something. It went on for months and was emotionally abusive (him much older).
Be supportive, say nothing

Ethylred · 03/08/2018 19:47

Been there, done that.
Do your level best to be positive to him and about him.
If he is as you say, your daughter will work it out for herself fast enough.

Original poster
sayhelloto · 03/08/2018 21:03

I know, thank you everyone. One of my main worries is I get the impression he lost his virginity young and has slept with lots of girls. I know DD hasn’t and worried he will expect it, and then end up messing her around :(

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 04/08/2018 00:56

Dds friend started going out with the class messer. The girl herself was an A student. Her parents went mad. Even a few teachers got involved. Eventually they broke up of their own decision. That young guy is now a doctor and a lovely young mad. Leave them be. Good idea to have him around lots as having to look you in the eye over dinner m8ght encourage him to treat your dd well.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 04/08/2018 00:59

you haven't said what he gets into trouble for at school and I think that's important. If its forgetting homework and messing about with friends I would let it go. If its sexist comments and bullying I would say something.

If your daughter wasn't allowed to go out with anyone who was difficult at school she would have a far smaller pool to choose from!

garethsouthgatesmrs · 04/08/2018 01:02

One of my main worries is I get the impression he lost his virginity young and has slept with lots of girls.

could be true but may well not be. He could have said this to show off or you or DD could have got the wrong end of the stick. Always worth a conversation about sex, consent etc. One day she will lose her virginity and it may not be to someone you would have chosen but as long as she is old enough and consents and uses protection you needn't worry.

Beeziekn33ze · 04/08/2018 01:11

16 year old had a nice bf with respectable parents. Threw him over for a boy from a problem family. Went off the pill and deliberately had a baby. Bf not interested in working, had the baby some of the time but didn't look after it well then physically abused his gf.
She sensibly got rid of him, has a much more acceptable bf who cares about the baby. She's still only 18.
Not what anyone would have wanted for her although she fitted in 2 years at college and is working.

raisinsarenottheonlyfruit · 04/08/2018 01:34

Not a lot of point in going on about how you disapprove, but you can work on making her feel she can tell you anything.

I went out with an unsuitable BF for many years. I knew my parents didn't approve, but when I things did start to go wrong I didn't feel I could turn to them for help. I wish I'd had more support from them tbh, the relationship had a terrible affect on my self esteem. I don't regret getting into it, there were many good bits, but I wish I'd known how to get out of it. That's when I really needed support from my mum.

QueenDoris · 04/08/2018 02:08

The whole point of being a teenager is to have boyfriends and girlfriends which your parents disapprove of. With a bit of luck they will get matching tattoos to really ensure your judgy pants get hoiked

Original poster
sayhelloto · 04/08/2018 08:14

What he used to get into trouble for (the list is endless!)
It was more than just the odd bit of forgotten homework or messing about, however nothing like drugs or alcohol, I’m not sure about bullying tbh, not aware of any sexist/racist stuff either.

From what I remember just things like continuous defiance to teachers, doing what he wanted, never following instructions, missing all his detentions, walking out of lessons, rudeness to staff, a lot of messing about (he used to continuously get thrown out of DD’s lessons even in GCSE years), and always being involved in high teenage drama with girls!

Obviously I have not broached any of this stuff with the lad, this is just what I remember from DD who used to come home with stories of him.

I think you are all right that I can’t dissuade her from him though as it would be dangerous in terms of our relationship. If she really likes him she could see him anyway!

In terms of his virginity/sleeping with girls, I am pretty sure he has been sleeping with girls from about 14 unless some huge lies have been told! Confused

OP posts:
frenchfancy · 04/08/2018 08:19

The list doesn't sound too bad, no drugs or alcohol, no criminal behaviour.

Leave them be and trust her judgement; His sexual past is none of your business. As long as your DD knows all about STDs then she is in control.

Sunnysidegold · 04/08/2018 08:21

I think you need to trust your daughter's judgment on this one. She knows his past and he was still in the friendship group so even then he must have had some redeeming qualities! If she can see he's changed and he is willing to come for dinner and behave then you have to maybe give him a chance. I would have another chat about contraception and consent but make it clear she can come to you without you judging her decisions.

Secretsquirrel101 · 04/08/2018 08:22

He doesn't sound like a bad kid exactly, just an immature one. He may well have changed. He doesn't sound dissimilar to my older brother when he was at school, and he changed an awful lot once he was out of compulsory education. He did an apprenticeship which he excelled at and is now a wonderful, clever and kind man, married with two children. My DP was probably even worse, kicked out/dropped out altogether at 14, set up his own business by 19 and now at 25 employs several full time and is an all round great bloke... but I am a touch biased! So you might be right, he might be an arsehole, but equally he might just be young and dumb and coming out the other side. You'll have to wait and see.
As a pp says, the focus for me would be instigating an open chat with your daughter about sex, consent, protection etc etc.

HollowTalk · 04/08/2018 08:24

I doubt they will let him back in for sixth form. Remind your daughter not to do anything with permanent repercussions e g intimate photos or not taking precautions.