About DD new boyfriend

[sayhelloto]

• Sorry but posting for traffic as no input on the teenagers thread & this is an AIBU!

My DD is 16, just finished her GCSEs, worked really hard and now having a chilled summer meeting up with mates etc.

Now the bad news : she has just started ‘dating’ this lad in her year who was really badly behaved at school! I have heard all sorts of things from her (!) and other parents in the past about him constantly being in trouble and involved in big incidences/dramas. He has always been in her friendship group so she used to tell me all the tales of his exploits!

Now she says she has got to know him really well and he’s a really nice guy and has matured but was just an idiot at school and now wants to come back for sixth form and change his ways.

He came round for dinner the other night and was incredibly charming... but I’m really doubtful! I’m just seriously concerned about her dating him because I have heard so many negative things about him, also she used to say how he dated girls all the time... now she is one of them!

Not sure if I should properly express my concerns to her or let it play out? I’m really worried about her getting hurt! AIBU?

I wouldn't specifically mention him but I would have a few frank conversations about respecting yourself and not being pressured into things and remind her about safe sex etc. And as PP said sexting and it's repercussions.

Yes I did say that to her when she mentioned sixth form - with the amount of trouble he was in. However she seemed to think he has had some meetings at school and his results might be ok (he is apparently fairly intelligent - and seems it) so who knows. Certainly if he carried on how he was for GCSEs I doubt he would last 5 minutes!

We are actually supposed to be going camping the last week of August for a few days and she’s asked whether he can come! I’m tempted to say yes as then I will be with him lots and can get a better impression (also must be alright if going to agree to come on a camping holiday with DS and DD2 as well!!) but also a bit worried it’s a bit soon?

I absolutely would not agree to him coming on a camping holiday. It's too soon and frankly it's unnecessary. If they're loved up, you'll see very little of your daughter and if it's fraught, you'll all have a stressful time. There's plenty of time for that, if the relationship goes the distance, why rush it?

Has your DD had the HPV jab? Encouraging that without making it seem linked to the boyfriend is the only thing practical thing I think you can do at the minute without driving her more into his arms.

Op my boy was that kid at school but got with his gf at 17. She was a good girl and I know her parents and friends weren't keen.
They have been together 12 years now and have two babies. He is one of the most kind thoughtful and hardworking people I know and they have a lovely life together.
It's not always bad.

My DH was a bit of a character when he was in his teens. We've been together for 17 years and I am happy to report he is gainfully employed, earns a good salary and is generally well respected as being helpful, hardworking and honest

I know for a fact my DM would have been very vocal in her disapproval had I ever told her about some of this exploits - so I didn't. It would have been nice to have been able to talk to her without WW3 blowing up.

So my advice would be to follow what previous posters are saying - gentle support, encourage lots of talking and make sure she knows she can discuss things with you without judgement. One of two things will happen - he'll be a dick and she'll decide to dump him. Or he could actually be maturing and really like your DD (it does happen!).

Let it play out, he's just a kid too. He may turn it round, he may not. Just make sure she's using protection!

Watch, wait, bite lip. Have Dairy Milk Oreo bars and Starbucks iced caramel macchiatos hidden in the fridge - chances are you'll need them when it all goes pie shaped.
Our school rogue/rascal/bad boy/little shit (delete as appropriate) lives opposite us. DD (also 16, just finished GCSEs) has hated him for years. He's loud, rude, disrupts lessons, got chucked off and banned from the school bus, had a bad haircut - you name it, he was it. Now I find they are walking the dogs together on a daily basis. Even the dog seems to like him. But I am not allowed to bring up the past five years of her moaning about him. Didn't happen.

(Actually, I always made a point of talking to him when I saw him on his own walking his dog and he was always very nice to me, but that's neither here nor there.)

My first real boyfriend was an ex-con. He was arrested and charged for something else whilst we were together.

My parents - to their credit - were awesome. Never once suggested we should break up, invited him around for dinner etc, supported me when we broke up.

Of course as an adult I found out how concerned they were, but I’m grateful they let me find my own way.

Kids that age do change, and sometimes it’s a good girlfriend that is the catalyst. I would embrace him into the family & take him on holiday (though maybe separate tents - could he share with your son for instance?) I think if you see him in “normal life” you & she will really get to understand what sort of character he is

I'm always of the mind that you say something clearly once and then shut up about it. You can phrase it in a non-judgmental way. 'DD I'm wary about him because you've told me how poorly he has behaved in the past. Please be careful, I'm here at any time day or night if you need help. I'm so proud of you & I don't want you to be hurt' then shut the hell up unless she brings it up.

Some people do genuinely change - maybe he's turned a corner? In any case if you make him 'forbidden fruit' she will only want him more.

Be supportive, keep an eye on her, let he know she can always talk to you, make sure she is using protection and if you have rules (e.g. That they can't be alone in her room together etc) make sure they're clear from the start.

It will probably fizzle out before too long!

My husband was thrown out of school at 16 “for being a bad influence on the other boys”.

He did his A levels at a FE college, went to university, got a degree. He has been close to a perfect husband. I know I am biased, but everyone loves him: the (adult) children absolutely adore him and he has a circle of very good friends (some of them the boys who didn’t get thrown out of his pissy posh school).

However, I would make sure that your daughter is safe. I don’t think just oral contraceptives are enough here, with his apparent sexual history, and the possibility that he’s picked up an STI. If it were me, I’d send her to the doctor for pills, but also tell her she must insist on condoms. I’d be surprised if a sexually active 16 yo boy wasn’t stocking up his condom stash in anticipation, but it’s probably worth mentioning anyway.

With these steps followed, the worst that can happen is a broken heart, and she’s better off doing that at 16 than while she’s doing her A levels.

OP my DD is the same age as yours and her BF sounds exactly the same. Known him since primary school and always in trouble, phone calls from school to his parents every few weeks. Since the age of about 13/14 he started getting involved with girls and seemed to be at the centre of all drama and stuff was always happening IRL and on social media. Nothing involving drugs or criminal activity, and no actual violence etc. Then around the start of year 10 she started spending 1-1 time with him and then announced they were a couple. I was very nervous and reminded her of all the things she had told me and all the girls he had dated (including lots of her friends!). She assured me she was going to proceed cautiously.

They have been together ever since, so over 18 months now, and are very much in love. There have certainly been a few dramas throughout their relationship, mostly when other people have got involved, but they've worked their way through it and seem absolutely fine now.

He's coming on holiday with us next week, and has already spent a few weekends away with us over the course of the relationship.

I must add, I did heavily encourage long acting contraception which she happily agreed to and it has been an absolute blessing for all concerned.

Thanks so much for all of your stories they are hugely comforting.

DH feels I’m over reacting because BF was so lovely when he came round for dinner (although I can tell he’s one of those bad boys who can also turn on the charm!!).

But I hope he has changed and as some pps say she has sort of been friends with him the whole time. Privately I suspect she has always had a bit of a crush on him (hence all the story telling) and is now a bit head over heels with the fact he’s actually into her and “changed” and everything. I just don’t want her to get carried away.

Mixed opinions on the camping, maybe I should say no as they have only been together a few weeks. However if I want to be supportive of the relationship I feel maybe I should give him a chance. I need to see him again a couple of times first...

Oh and thanks for all the advice about sex/contraception etc. Have already had the chat and got that sorted (was straight on it!) she said she would think very carefully before sleeping with him! I’m not aware she has done yet, but I’m not being ridiculous, I know it is likely to sooner rather than later!