To ask my 8 year old to do chores if she wants pocket money

[Fleuried]

She's asked for pocket money (probably to buy cuddly toys!) which we're happy to do.

I want her to earn it though. If she doesn't do her chores, she doesn't get it. Husband thinks I'm being harsh. She doesn't do much around the house which wasn't an issue when she was younger but I think we need to deal with it before we end up with a kid that refuses to help.

I know she maybe should just be doing chores anyway but I don't like the idea of just giving her money for some reason.

Neither husband nor I had to do chores growing up. I didn't get pocket money either though.

1. So am I being mean expecting her to earn pocket money?
2. What chores are realistic? Not the ones from that list where 8 year olds do all the ironing!
3. If your kids get pocket money, how much?
4. Am I being mean making her save a small amount of any pocket money she does get? I'm talking a token amount. I was never encouraged to save and it shows!

YANBU I asked both my sons to do chores, from school age. When I say chores, I mean put toys away tidily when finished playing with them, don't leave clothes on the floor. As they got older, they liked helping me with chores. They didn't have pocket money as such, but if they wanted something they had a set of jobs they had to do before they got it. My one son lives with his girlfriend, and he's always helped around the house, he just doesn't think anything of it.

I have a 9 year old and she gets £2 per week. In return we expect her to keep her bedroom tidy, she helps set the table and clears her dishes away after eating. On top of that, she can earn extra by doing other chores, such as helping clean the car/windows, putting washing away etc, but those are her choice.

We also expect her to help tidy up after herself generally (although she's not brilliant at 'remembering' that one ). So basically, we do a mixture of the 2.

Absolutely! Helping around the house is the minimum for pocket money.

My 19 month old already has her jobs to do (although no cash is exchanging hands as yet!!!) she puts her socks and frilly nappy covering knickers away every time we put the washing away, tidies up her books and we tidy her toys together.

At 8 my jobs included:
loading/unloading the dishwasher
Tidying up my own mess
Putting clothes in/out of the washing machine
When I was tall enough pegging out the washing and bringing it in
Putting my clean clothes into the right drawers
Setting the table for meals

Obviously not every single job every single day but absolutely at least one "chore" a day.

I don’t think pocket money should be connected to chores. Helping out around the house is part of living in a family and it’s fair to expect an eight year old to do some basic things such as tidy bed room and put toys away. DD aged 12 is responsible for dishwasher emptying when she gets in from school I explained that this is a huge help for me. I don’t want her motivation to be earning money but instead contributing to the family home

1. So am I being mean expecting her to earn pocket money?
Nope I had to do specific chores to get pocket money but by the time I was a teenager I was expected to clean up after myself. I have a 7 year old step-daughter who does chores and helps out but at the moment doesn't get pocket money for them.

2. What chores are realistic? Not the ones from that list where 8 year olds do all the ironing!
Depends on what the child can actually do. It varies from setting the table to sweeping floors. In the case of cleaning something even if the child does it badly in the beginning you don't criticise but encourage even if you secretly have to re-do it yourself.

3. If your kids get pocket money, how much?
No idea. Work out how many toys you are happy for her to buy a month and what you would like her to save, then work out an amount from there.

4. Am I being mean making her save a small amount of any pocket money she does get? I'm talking a token amount. I was never encouraged to save and it shows!
See what she does as some children will naturally save some.

If you go out and she wants a toy but doesn't have the money because she has blown it all then, you teach her about saving. If she refuses to save then she will learn that she can't get the toy/sweets/magazine/whatever she wants.

My mum forced me to save some but the way she did it was too controlling as her idea was for me to spend it on what she wanted me to buy not what I wanted to buy. It was actually my siblings, who were adults, who sat down and explained budgets to me.

Absolutely! For 3.50 a week I get dinner table laid and cleared and counters wiped down

For 1.50 a week my five year old distributes toilet rolls

It also controls how much they spend on snacks as once it’s gonw it gone. My elder son saves like crazy, he’s eight, it’s really been good for him

Hmmmm my attitude is more along the lines of Japonica - helping out is something they should be doing anyway, as part of living as a family and having a home that runs, not something they do for money. If they decided not to do any chores and live with having no money, how can you get them to do anything around the house?

Perfectly reasonable and will teach her about responsibilities

YABU. She should do her chores because everyone has to contribute and the pocket money should be separate. You don't want her to grow up only doing house things if she gets paid for it?

I don't agree with linking pocket money and chores.

Chores are somthing that you do because you're part of a family, not because the expectation is there that you're paid.

YANBU. It’s not really chores, rather things they should be doing every day anyway but I make mine do this. They lose money for misbehaving or failing to do whatever ‘chore’ it is after being reminded. It’s just things like making the bed, opening bedroom curtains, making sure their bedrooms are tidy, cleaning the bathroom sink after brushing teeth (they have a habit of not rinsing the toothpaste down the sink after), clearing their dishes away after eating and always putting rubbish in the bin. They are 6, 7 and 8 so these seem like realistic tasks to me.

I agree with pp who says that chores should be done anyway - with no financial reward. My 8 year old empties the dishwasher, brings all of his washing to the machine, sets the table and tidies his own mess. My four year old tidies their own mess, loads the washing machine and cleans the skirting boards. They both help with cooking. They do this because they live in the family home and should contribute towards it. I don't get paid to cook and clean and tidy....raising children who expect a reward for contributing to their own care is strange.

We buy them whatever they need and the odd treat - magazine, toy etc. But we don't link it to jobs in the house. If you do want to do this I would suggest having basics that she is expected to do for nothing - making her bed, clearing her toys, clearing the table. Then pay her for extras like hoovering, sweeping, etc. I did see a nice idea whereby a parent had bought a pin board and attached little envelopes with different amounts of cash and a task and each child could do one or more per day. So if they wanted £1 to buy some sweets they could take the envelope that says "Load the Machine", if they want £5 they would take the envelope that says "Hoover Every Room" - but obviously they have to do the task first!!

1. So am I being mean expecting her to earn pocket money?

Well I don't think you're being mean. Everyone has their own house rules. I personally give our children pocket money without having to earn it. They can earn extra. That doesn't mean I'm 'right'. That's just how we do it.

1. What chores are realistic? Not the ones from that list where 8 year olds do all the ironing!

Tidying (other than their own room) taking out the rubbish, sweeping, watering the garden, cleaning the car/s, hanging out washing. Other stuff I expect them to do anyway eg. clearing stuff away from table, putting away their own washing.

1. If your kids get pocket money, how much?

£3.50 a week for the 8 year old. This rises by 50p a year.

1. Am I being mean making her save a small amount of any pocket money she does get? I'm talking a token amount. I was never encouraged to save and it shows!

I wouldn't 'make' mine save. If they want to save its up to them. I log all pocket money on a calendar for the 8 year old so he can see how much he has and he knows that if he wants something more expensive then he has to wait until he can afford it. I don't give him cash as he loses it. The 11 year old has his own account now with a bank card so he can withdraw cash or use the card in a shop. I have a standing order set up for him.

Mine don’t get pocket money as such. They are expected to tidy up after themselves and help me out with little jobs as standard. If I have got a big job to do such as putting loads of laundry away or doing a big clear out, if they help me they earn some money to spend on whatever they want (which is always either slime, LOL or craft stuff). I also bribe them to be good at night time and settle down on their own due to a back rod I made for myself!

Thing is, I don't know of any adult who fails to do their chores because they were paid to do them as a kid.

Regardless of motivation, it seems to be the people who've never been taught good care routines or practices that are bad at it. I never did laundry at home, and my mum was weirdly protective of the task, so I was taught by a boy in halls during Freshers Week.

I was given pocket money on the proviso of doing chores, and I do my chores as an adult. I really don't think it's like other forms of motivation.

We've just started our 6 year old pocket money - £2 a week. She is expected to tidy her things away in the sitting room (always art and craft things all over the place), keep her bedroom tidy (which she is very good at) and be nice and kind to her 4 year old sister (which she is not good at. At all!). I think it's only fair that she does a little bit for her money.

YABU unless you have a similar method linking chores to the rest of your families discretionary spending. ie do you have to do a particular set of things to be able to buy yourself a coffee?

You are perfectly reasonable to expect an 8 year old to participate in the up keep of the family through chores. You are not reasonable to link that to the earning of pocket money, controlling any one in your family with money is simply wrong.

I don't think paying pocket money for "basic" chores is a good idea. It sends out the message that they are optional. In our house everyone has to do a certain level of jobs, because that's part of living in our house.

I think paying pocket money for "extra" jobs is fine - but it's hard to think of anything that an 8 year old can do that is genuinely helpful to make worth paying for and doesn't need adult help e.g. we pay our 14 year old to cut the lawn as this is a huge help for us (and on top of his basic jobs).

I think there are differing opinions on this and you have to make the right choice for your family.
My eldest two DSs (6 and 8) earn £2 a week pocket money for doing a few jobs. I have printed a list of things they need to do every day: getting themselves ready for school (Dressed, teeth, clean glasses and pack their bags), putting away their clean, dry washing and tidying up all their toys at the end of the day. It encourages a bit of independence in terms of them being responsible for getting themselves sorted in the morning, and sets up good habits for later. I do keep an eye on things so they don't forget stuff, but they rarely do. It also helps me out as I have a younger DS to get sorted too. It also helps with a teamwork mentality to housework, and I plan on increasing the money and changing jobs on their list as they get older.

I give dd2 (8yo) pocket money that's unrelated to chores. That's because I want her to learn how to manage money and budget. She is starting to work out how long she needs to save for each toy she wants to buy and make decisions based on that information.

She also has chores which are unrelated to money. Simple things like tidying her toys away, taking the plates to the kitchen, putting her clothes away. These are based on "all of us live here so all of us contribute to running the house". I didn't want to link her chores to money because I didn't want her to say "I'm not bothered about getting money this week so I'll not bother doing the chores".

Then if she wants to earn some extra money she can do extra chores. Jobs she does for daddy seem to be paid at a higher rate than jobs she does for me, because DH is a soft touch. The extras are doing things like loading the dishwasher, sweeping the floor, vacuuming, etc.

I'm in the group that feel chores is part of being in a family and you don't get paid for being part of a family. particularly if the chore is about looking after yourself - ie putting your own toys away or putting your own pants in the washing basket. We tend to say you cant do your leisure activity until the work is done as that's how my life is.

But I see that it would motivate a lot of children to do their chores if they got paid and I tend to think there is more that one right way of doing things and I can definitely see unusual items like washing the car might warrant a payment.

We have 'petty cash' rather than pocket money as I was rubbish at giving a regular £2 a week - so bits of birthday money get put in and they budget what they spend it on.

My 4 & 6 year olds both do jobs to get pocket money, it started as ds4 wanted a toy and I said he would have to save his penny's that DG gave him, he wanted a way of getting more so we gave him some jobs to do.
They put their own clothes away,
put their toys away at the end of the day
Collect the washing up from around the house
Put all dirty washing in the basket.

They get £1 a week to go in their money boxes.

I think an allowance and then an opportunity to earn more is a good way about it.

My dc 8 tidys and puts her dishes away if I tell her too. I use a go Henry card so no cash exchanged, atm she doesn't quite get the concept yet but as she gets older it will be good for money management.

Yanbu, when I was a kid we were expected to do dishes and tidy etc with no rewards or random things bought for us. So I learned if I wanted something I learned I had to be old enough to work and earn it.

Agree with this I don’t think pocket money should be connected to chores. Helping out around the house is part of living in a family and it’s fair to expect an eight year old to do some basic things such as tidy bed room and put toys away. DD aged 12 is responsible for dishwasher emptying when she gets in from school I explained that this is a huge help for me. I don’t want her motivation to be earning money but instead contributing to the family home

But our DD can earn extra pocket money by doing extra jobs eg washing the car

Yabu.
Kids should get some money that is just theirs and not tied to anything.

and everyone in the family should share some chores without any strings attached such as love or money.

and kids should get the chance to earn extra money.