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AIBU?

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Original poster

How do I tell my friend?

32 replies

Sandstormbrewing · 02/08/2018 21:25

Blatantly posting for traffic, and have named changed as would hate her to put 2+2 together.

Long standing friend but live opposite ends of the country (Kent & Newcastle) so see each other rarely. She's got 1 DC and recently had tfmr, which was obviously very upsetting for her. She's desperate for DC2 & really struggling.

I've got 1 DC, same age as hers and have found myself unexpectedly (we were 1 and done) pregnant.

I'm 13 weeks. How on earth do I tell her? I think it's very likely that she'll stop talking to me, at least for a while. I just want to cause least hurt to her.

Help please.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 02/08/2018 21:28

Why should she be upset? She'll take it as a good sign, surely? You first, her next....

notheretoargue · 02/08/2018 21:32

Tell her in writing. I would say an email, so she doesn’t have to see it pop up on her phone in the middle of a meeting.

Explain that you realise how difficult this is for her and that you understand she may not want to talk to you for a while.

Congratulations!

Original poster
Sandstormbrewing · 02/08/2018 21:38

Singlenotsingle she's in s really dark place at the moment. She'll be devastated, not for me, but for herself, that I have what she wants and currently can't have. She's really hurting.

OP posts:
ProfessionalBarren · 02/08/2018 21:40

Tell her by text, don’t call her in person.

sirmione16 · 02/08/2018 21:42

Perhaps you don't need to tell her yet...

On another thread a lot of advice was to send a considerate text, so she can respond emotionally how she likes without feeling under pressure to "be ok" and it won't be awkward for you both.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 02/08/2018 21:47

"You first her next."

It most certainly doesn't always work like that.

I agree about texting her rather than telling her face to face. At least that way she can cry, kick things, scream.

CongratulationsFlowers

ProfessionalBarren · 02/08/2018 21:51

Also, congratulations on your pregnancy OP. Your friend is lucky that you are thoughtful enough to consider how best to tell her.

mineofuselessinformation · 02/08/2018 21:55

'Hi, I know you're going through a really difficult time at the moment, but as a really close friend I wanted you to know I'm pregnant.
I didn't want to keep this from you and for you to wonder why I didn't tell you, so that's why I'm letting you know.
I understand if you don't want to reply, but either way I want you to know I really value our friendship.'
Is that a way to go maybe?
Good luck OP, and congratulations.

Original poster
Sandstormbrewing · 02/08/2018 21:58

We haven't told family yet so won't be telling her any time soon but just want to prepare. Think email or text is the way to go.

OP posts:
SC459 · 02/08/2018 22:00

Agree with all advice on here given so far. You sound lovely and thoughtful, Sandstorm. Congratulations!!!!!!

OohIsThatAFlake · 02/08/2018 22:03

A friend of mine was undergoing ivf when I fell pregnant and I similarly worried about how/when to tell her
When I did, she was beyond delighted and told me not to worry because she didn’t want MY baby/pregnancy etc, she only wanted her own. IYSWIM.

Iwantaunicorn · 02/08/2018 22:03

I’d tell her in person or over the phone/FaceTime rather than text or email. You’re there to chat to her if she wants to, but she can easily get away if it’s too much, gives her some control over the situation.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

auditqueen · 02/08/2018 22:18

Oh god no, don't tell her over FaceTime or face to face or on the phone ffs.

ProfessionalBarren · 02/08/2018 22:21

I can’t have kids and have found it hideous when people tell me face to face. The pressure to respond appropriately while holding back tears is awful. No matter how much you care about them you’re still sad it’s not you.

katycb · 02/08/2018 22:23

Hi, I lost my first twins after they were born very prematurely and even in my darkest days, close friends who I really cared for being pregnant did not bother me even slightly. Lots of other things did, random work colleauges babies, people pushing twins round supermarkets did but people I loved I was happy for. I'd tell her and you might be suprised by her reaction. I would have preffered a phone call tbh rather than a text but I think that depends on the person.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 02/08/2018 22:24

Text or email is best. Let her react privately and process it, then respond. In a similar situation, I would appreciate that enormously.

SimonBridges · 02/08/2018 22:25

Why should she be upset? She'll take it as a good sign, surely? You first, her next....

Lord, here is someone who has never suffered from infertility.

I’ve been on the receiving end of these conversations many times. I’m always grateful when people tell me by text or letter. That way I can deal with it in my own way.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 02/08/2018 22:25

Just text her. If I was in her position I would absolutely hate to have you ruminating pityingly about how you have what she wants and can't have, and how you should break it to her.

When you are telling people just send her a text and let her contact you to congratulate you in her own time. She may well be pregnant again by then, and it may be a non-issue.

tictoc76 · 02/08/2018 22:26

I struggled to get pregnant after my first and definetly agree with the advice to text / email. That way she can cry privately without feeling selfish that she is not immediately happy for you. I felt like every time I heard someone was pregnant people were looking a thing me for a reaction and it was awful because i really wanted to be happy for them.

CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 02/08/2018 22:31

Why should she be upset? She'll take it as a good sign, surely? You first, her next....

This is one of the most stupid and insensitive things I’ve ever read on MN. You’re not more likely to get pregnant successfully just because a friend has, there isn’t a bloody rota!

OP, I’m currently having fertility problems combined with a flurry of friends falling pregnant easily. I’ve really appreciated those who’ve let me know by text so I’ve got the space to let my face fall in private without hurting their feelings.

Allaboutalex · 02/08/2018 22:31

Another one for text. I burst out crying like a psycho in a shopping centre when someone told me casually about a cousins pregnancy. I was practically hysterical, as I was devastated and mortified, thank god she wasn’t there cos I was delighted for her just gutted for myself. I was shocked at my reaction I literally couldn’t control the tears. So I’d defo be one for text.

OnTopOfSpaghetti · 02/08/2018 22:33

Why should she be upset? She'll take it as a good sign, surely? You first, her next....

Yes because it really does work like thatHmm
Possibly the most insensitive comment I have read on MN for a long while.
As someone who has been through a late miscarriage at 20 weeks, I would recommend what everyone else is suggesting, a text would be the kindest approach. For a long time after my miscarriage I couldn't look at or talk about babies. I vividly remember a mum at toddler group plonking her baby on me because her toddler needed the toilet, she didn't even ask, I was shaking and crying by the time she got back. This was 10 years ago now, but still one of the hardest things I've ever been through.
Hope your friend is OK and good luck with your pregnancy.

emsmum79 · 02/08/2018 22:39

Sorry to go against the grain here, but I've been in a similar position. I had no children, needed ivf, when my friend fell prehmgnant with her third. She wrote me a letter telling me how difficult it was for me etc etc and I actually found it harder than if she'd just told me in person. It felt like she'd made it into a big deal, when in reality I was just about coping when treated normally.
Be happy you are pregnant, do your best to not tiptoe around your friend, and just be there for her as best you can.
(To be fair, my friend was incredibly patronising too and told me how I could just adopt and she and her dh thought it would be great to have a 4th naturally and adopt a 5th or a 6th.)

sobeyondthehills · 02/08/2018 23:01

Why should she be upset? She'll take it as a good sign, surely? You first, her next.

Yep heard that the first time, then the second, 5 years down the line and still fucking hearing it

Iwantaunicorn · 02/08/2018 23:20

I needed ivf, after 5 years of trying. My friends told me in person, which I’d much rather than text/email. It seems mixed bag, guess it really does depend on what your friend is like!

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