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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feeling pressure to stop breastfeeding

26 replies

Flappypants · 02/08/2018 20:07

I wondered if you lovely people have any wisdom about a sticky wicket I'm in with DD nearly 2. She is still breastfeeding and showing no signs of stopping. In fact neither of us is ready to stop but after a long and expensive day in court a few weeks ago where negotiations over the children took place with narc (the speeding, groping one) STBXH I had to give overnights every other weekend. Up until a fortnight ago, the DC had never had a night away from me so we are building up with one night, then two and then three at the end of August.

I'm really unsure what the best thing is for DD. Is it kinder to try and wean her completely asap or carry on so she has the comfort at what is a very discomfiting time for the children. Until the children and I went into a refuge because things became untenable in the house when STBXH really ramped up the mental torture, she was almost back to newborn feeding, on the nub every ten or fifteen minutes and DS age 6 was having meltdowns and getting angry and frustrated. Since he has moved out, they (and I) are a lot calmer and happier and the atmosphere at home is gentle and calm, not toxic and uncomfortable any more. Is it kinder to wean her or kinder to let her come back to comfort? I would value your opinion!! I doubt we will still be doing it in six months' time but I'm feeling pressure to stop now and we aren't ready.

OP posts:

YouCantStopTheSignal · 02/08/2018 20:10

If you want to keep going then keep going, your supply will adjust to take into account the times she doesn't have a feed.

Original poster

Flappypants · 02/08/2018 20:17

You don't think it's confusing for her? They had the whole day with him yesterday and she was on the bpov a lot in the night where she had been Intermittent with it and has started throwing more wobblers. I get that there's an element of the terrible twos going on too

OP posts:

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 02/08/2018 20:19

If you're worried about your boobs / supply etc then I think it depends on how often you feed. I think going from a few feeds a day to nothing over a few days will be difficult unless you want to express. If you only feed once a day, it should be fine to not feed a few days without supply disappearing or engorgement etc.

If you're worried about her, I think she would be fine without for a few days then feeding when with you, as she will associate it with you and not expect it or miss it when you're not there

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 02/08/2018 20:21

She might be feeding more for comfort at the moment so personally I would be worried about stopping that when things are a bit turbulent in her life. You could always put some boundaries around it though if you want like they have gone to sleep at night time

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 02/08/2018 20:22

I don’t think it’ll be confusing. It’s a mummy thing. She’ll know only mummy can do it.

I don’t think I’d force stopping until you and she want it.

Sashkin · 02/08/2018 20:23

I work nights every two months or so, so there are times when DS can feed and times when he can’t (he’s 16mo). He does comfort feed much more when he’s unsettled (when I come back after nights, when there’s any other disruption to his routine). But it always settles back down.

I’d keep feeding if I were you - I hate to feel that I’m pushing DS away when he’s already feeling insecure.

Iggii · 02/08/2018 20:23

My dcs fed for a long time and one in particular still fed at night until after 3 years. If I was away with work they just had cows’ milk (and probably a bit less as it wasn’t quite as attractive) and then switched back to me when I returned. If it were a small baby it would be harder but at this age your supply will adjust and the child will too. I would not personally take away a source of comfort at a stressful time. Does she have a dummy or special toy to take for comfort when with her father?

ElspethTascioni · 02/08/2018 20:26

Sorry you’re all going through this. I wouldn’t stop. Maybe try “don’t offer, don’t refuse” to see if you can reduce frequency a little- but only because she might find it easier not to have it at dad’s that way. But I wouldn’t stop altogether until you and she are ready too - it could well be a real comfort to her and some stability in a difficult time. Maybe just pump (if you can) a couple of times whilst she’s away so you’re not uncomfortable, but your supply can probably adapt by this stage. Good luck!

DrunkenUnicorn · 02/08/2018 20:27

I wouldn’t stop at the moment as she clearly needs the comfort with lots of changes at the moment.

I’m still feeding DS 2.3. On a normal day he’ll feed at least three times, waking, before a nap and before bed, and possibly once more if we’re having a lazy afternoon at home. However on the weekends I often take his brother out for his hobby which can take me away all day and DH has to put him to bed. Been doing this since he was about 18m old and it hasn’t caused any problems. So it maybe that you could continue to feed her when she’s with you?

Did it not get brought up in court that she’s BF and therefore should be with you overnight? I’m surprised as I thought they were supposed to put the interests of the child first, not abusive ex husbands.

Original poster

Flappypants · 02/08/2018 20:28

I'd definitely have to express as she's been quite "active" with everythung thatvhas been happening and even after the first overnight I had terrible bullet boob. I've also had bad mastitis in the past so I need to watch out. What's worse is that she likes one more than the other so I am VERY lopsided at the best of times.

It's really not about me though. I just really want to do the best thing for both my DC in this horrific shitstorm. I got my date for the hearing about the part 25 psychiatric assessment Shitnugget is trying to force through. I'm actually not that worried as I'm definitely not psychotic or mad or dangerous. Where he's expecting me to lose my shit in fact my shit has never been more together than it is now. So ending the marriage was definitely the best thing I could have done for the children.

OP posts:

mumofone234 · 02/08/2018 20:29

Yes, I’m also surprised that the court has granted overnights given that you’re breastfeeding. How frustrating for you!

IceCreamFace · 02/08/2018 20:31

I would keep going. It may be that after the break from you she is less keen on breastfeeding or it may be that she wants to make up for lost time. If you are happy to continue then just be guided by DD and how she responds to the change.

Original poster

Flappypants · 02/08/2018 20:33

Unicorn that sounds like us.

I'm not stopping then. She definitely needs the comfort and asks for it a lot. When I was in Court my my had the children and she didn't ask for it then, just had cow's milk and very milky tea which she loves.

My barrister said a court wouldn't rule no overnights for a child as old as DD....said I can't REALLY use it as a reason to prevent it. I think she's thinking strategically a bit too.

OP posts:

BounceAndJump · 02/08/2018 20:35

I'd let her carry on for now.
My DD1 stopped at just turned 2 and she fed a few times after a few days of nothing and still got milk, I don't think it dries up very quickly after so long feeding!

Also its more about comfort than milk at that age so even if she's getting less milk it won't matter nutritionally but she'll still be getting the comfort.

BertieBotts · 02/08/2018 20:42

Keep breastfeeding for as long as you and DD are happy to.

Overnights at the age of two won't affect BF or be affected by it, so I would not worry about this - I think it will be absolutely normal for her behaviour to suffer, because it's such a stressful and confusing thing for her in general but (honestly) I don't believe BF will contribute to this - in fact she may even benefit from the comfort when she is at home with you.

I found at 2 years that my supply was pretty robust and could cope with anything from feeding all day to long gaps with no issues but certainly if you're prone to blockages/mastitis, keep an eye out for this. You could always express in the shower or similar if you don't want to save the milk.

IME DC are usually very unsettled and tend to act up, or sometimes act much younger, or have really odd food patterns or even are sick :( after coming back from their dad's especially when the relationship hasn't been very good. It's difficult because of course you can't stop them from going but just to let you know it's normal for them. I think it's because such a huge transition is hard on them - absolute best thing is have a very very quiet, predictable, comforting routine for when they come back and approx 24-48 hours afterwards.

NotBeforeCoffee · 02/08/2018 20:47

Sounds like you're doing a fantastic job. If neither of you are ready to stop then don't!
Sounds like it's helping her comfort wise and she'll need that while things are changing and unsettled. Best of luck to you and your children x

givemesteel · 02/08/2018 20:49

Agree don't stop now, she's already going throygh enough changes as it is, poor things. It's sad they have to do overnights.

Express when she's not there and maybe she can take the milk with her.

BounceAndJump · 02/08/2018 21:04

As a side idea, could you give her a bottle for at her dads so she still has that for comfort there? I did nightshifts from when DD was 18 months and she used a bottle when I wasn't there as comfort in the night, shed suck on it empty like a dummy when she woke in the night to get back to sleep but never liked an actual dummy.

Dreamingofkfc · 02/08/2018 21:08

She will adjust. I went back doing night shifts. When I worked the children didn't wake and need me. When I was there, they fed.

Original poster

Flappypants · 02/08/2018 21:46

You've been brilliant, thank you. It's unanimous I think!!

OP posts:

Osirus · 02/08/2018 23:38

This must be so hard for you. My DD is the same age and still feeding like yours and I would hate a few nights apart. I would definitely continue to feed her for as long as you like.

Starlight345 · 02/08/2018 23:45

As a cm , I have a 2 year old b fed. The child used to come with milk but doesn’t now and knows milk comes from Mum. The child feeds day and night with mum.

TheMonkeyMummy · 03/08/2018 00:07

I would let her take the lead. I was worried about leaving DS but have had a few one nights and even one full weekend away. He has been absolutely fine with my parents or DH without me but the moment I walked through the door, he has demanded boobie. Very much out of sight, out of mind!

TooMinty · 03/08/2018 00:16

I think at her age you can bf when she is with you but she will manage ok when she's not (milk and other drinks in cups, normal meals and snacks). She is old enough to understand she only gets bf from you. It is a special bond and even more special at a stressful time.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 03/08/2018 00:21

just wanted to send hugs because I can imagine how horrible it must be. Keep feeding her . This will be a hugely confiusing time for her and the feeds will be her comfort. I breastfed mine until 2 and they happily drank cows milk from a cup when i was at work or out for the evening. They knew by that age that only mummy had milk so no confusion.

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