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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think I'm not invited?

27 replies

LittleMermaidRose · 02/08/2018 10:59

My friend of 6 years is getting married next June. We don't see each other very often but when we do it's always great, lots of laughs, heart to hearts etc.

Over the last year she's made a couple insensitive comments/done a few things (nothing too major that would make me fall out with her) but that have made me feel like perhaps she doesn't value me as a friend as much as do her.

Last time I seen her was February. We've chatted via the occasional email since then but she's always been too busy to meet up when I've asked her.

She told me all about her wedding plans, how the venue (she's booked out a hotel) is 2 hours away, how much it's going to cost for the 3 night hotel stay etc.

She's never mentioned the wedding since February & now I'm wondering if I'm even invited to the wedding?? Maybe I'm just being paranoid but I thought that she would have maybe sent out "save the date" cards to let people know about the hotel/travel situation.

Do you think maybe I'm not invited? Or is it too early for invites?

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 02/08/2018 11:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bagsalot · 02/08/2018 11:04

Not everyone does save the dates do they? Ask her casually how the wedding planning is going see what her reaction is it's way too early for invites

RestingBitchFaced · 02/08/2018 11:05

Too early for invites. Next time you speak to her, ask how the wedding plans are coming along?

Happygoldfinch · 02/08/2018 11:06

Don't sweat it. If you're not invited, think of the money you'll save! And if you're not invited, would you want to go anyway? When I married we had to make some hard decisions and draw the line somewhere - and two of my good friends didn't make the cut. We had relationships that sound exactly like yours and no damage has come of it...but it might have done if they had whined about not having been invited, so tread very carefully. A friendship is more important than attending a wedding.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 02/08/2018 11:07

Far too early for an invite and even a save the date card wouldn't be sent out till six months before the ceremony - if it is sent at all.

ShumpaLumpa · 02/08/2018 11:19

I think you're long overdue for an insensitive comment yourself.

Just tell her you/your husband is thinking of booking a holiday for next summer and you need to know if you're invited to her wedding so you can plan around it.

And please don't put up with insensitive comments, however trivial they may seem. It just emboldens the other person and they respect you less.

SnuggyBuggy · 02/08/2018 11:21

I'd give the benefit of the doubt. It could be because they want to do fancy save the dates and haven't got round to it.

Shoxfordian · 02/08/2018 11:22

They might not be doing save the dates. Just wait and see if she invites you.

KC225 · 02/08/2018 11:30

I personally think it's too early for invites.

But agree with the poster above, rather than hanging on - Shumpa's suggestion of saying it could clash with a proposed holiday is a good one. Then you will know either way.

happygoldfinch Did I read your post correctly, you say two good friends didn't make the cut but it didn't have any lasting damage but had they whined about it you would have considered they had damaged it - not you.

Beaverhausen · 02/08/2018 11:37

Oh do not worry, my best friend of 10 years as in we spent every free moment together. I introduced her to her future husband told me that I was not going to be in her wedding party due to the fact that I was fat and it would not look good. Then she chose a girl she had only known 2 months who she met through her gym to be her maid of honor.

She still expected me to attend her wedding, which I did not and have never spoken to her again.

ShumpaLumpa · 02/08/2018 11:41

The only issue with waiting for an invite is the friend may subject OP to months of wedding talk but not actually invite OP to wedding.

There have been a few threads on MN where this has happened.

ShumpaLumpa · 02/08/2018 11:42

and two of my good friends didn't make the cut.

What a horrible way to put it, happygoldfinch. I'm sure you enjoyed your temporary power trip.

HaveSomeGrace · 02/08/2018 11:47

@Beaverhausen

What an awful person she was! Good on you for not going and ditching her.

@Happygoldfinch

Think @KC225 and I are probably both wondering the same thing about your comment! But then perhaps your friends weren’t that bothered about attending your wedding hence why they didn’t ‘whine’... Interesting perspective from you though.

RideOn · 02/08/2018 12:08

I'd say it is way too early for even save the dates. We didn't do "save the date" but (informally ie by speaking to them) made sure the date suited key family members.
It was nice if it was convenient for my friends to come and celebrate with us, but equally was not important if it didn't suit them etc as lots had to travel. I sent the invites 3 months before to give time for travel arrangements etc (lots would have had to take short flights/train / 4 hr car journeys to get there) some came, some didn't.
Only lost one friendship with wedding, with a couple who were friends of mine (and had been "friendly" with DH) who couldn't come on "moral" grounds as they didn't agree with me marrying a Catholic.

NotGoodAtMakingFriends · 02/08/2018 12:32

I too was going to say how horrible the comments from Happygoldfinch are! I'm sure your friends may not have 'whined' but I'm sure they've mentally adjusted how important as a friend you are to them! You sound like the type of person who thinks that you can call all the shots in a friendship: 'You don't make the cut for my wedding but if you dare say anything I'll ditch you as a friend'. Nice!

Original poster
LittleMermaidRose · 02/08/2018 12:52

Thanks for the replies! The last wedding I attended, the "save the date" cards were sent out over a year before, hence my paranoia.
Will wait and see how things go

OP posts:
Purplejay · 02/08/2018 12:56

In my experience invites got sent 3 months or so before. I don’t know anyone in real life who sent save the date cards.

Happygoldfinch · 02/08/2018 13:09

Wow - ok, haters! My husband and I could not afford a large wedding so we only invited a few friends and I was nervous the ones that we didn't invite would be upset. My point is that they weren't - or, if they were, they had the good grace not to show it, and I still felt fairly awful. Had they been grumpy about not having been invited then the friendship of course would have suffered. Did I come across as power-trippy? It certainly didn't feel like it, and I would have loved to have had them all there Sad

NotGoodAtMakingFriends · 02/08/2018 14:15

You came across quite unpleasantly, HappyGoldFinch. As if you'd have fallen out with your friends if they'd dared to 'whine' when they didn't make the cut!

MyDirtyLittleSecret · 02/08/2018 14:29

It did look like that HappyGoldFinch you didn't mention that you'd explained to them that you just couldn't invite everyone you wanted to. And 'didn't make the cut' is a very cold way to festive the process of deciding which friends you reluctantly had to leave out. Like it's some kind of competitive bar your friends have to meet, it made you look pretty arrogant.

MyDirtyLittleSecret · 02/08/2018 14:30

*festive? Autocorrect it should have been describe.

LostInShoebiz · 02/08/2018 14:51

Are save the dates a regional thing? I’ve not been to a wedding in over ten years that didn’t have a save the date (London) and it’s only ever on here that I see people saying they’ve never heard of them or received one.

RoseWhiteTips · 02/08/2018 14:58

Happens in Canada.

MrsAidanTurner · 02/08/2018 15:40

Op I agree with others it's far too early to speculate.

But, I had similar I had someone who was new ish friend, I thought we had established a good friendship. Over about 5 years. We used to see each other one every two weeks, had quite a bit in common and I certainly liked her.
Anyway she tells me she is getting married and I'm genuinely delighted for her and still am. But I was treated to an afternoon chatting about her wedding and people who she may invite that she had met recently from house move and other people she may invite just to the church and some too the Evening do.

I absolutely thought I would also be included in that evening do.
An invite never came. I didn't make her cut and after the conversation we had... I have decided her friendship doesn't make my cut either.

It was bizzare because she was texting me right up too it as well. But that was all within a two month window.

You have plenty of time to still make her cut.

Happygoldfinch · 02/08/2018 16:03

Like it's some kind of competitive bar your friends have to meet Ah, but @mydirtylittlesecret, that's exactly what the process was! It was a bloody nightmare - my fiancee and I sat around with names on bits of paper trying to organise who would sit where, re-doing the maths, who would get on better with this group, that group, who would be the odd one out and feel awkward, where to draw the line (I'm avoiding "make the cut"), which of his billion aunts and cousins were most involved with his life, which friends were most involved in ours... it was exactly as if certain criteria had to be met in order for the day to go well. We had only £4k saved for it, no financial support from anywhere else... in the end we couldn't afford a cake, a photographer or flowers, so I'm terribly sorry if semantics have offended delicate sensibilities but invitations were exactly a competitive bar which friends had to reach. OP should not worry, I'm trying to say - she should not measure her worth by whether or not she is invited to a wedding. Her friend might be closer to other friends, might have limited finances, might have not got around to organising lists yet, might even be cooling on the friendship... but OP sounds lovely and shouldn't hang her self-worth on an invitation. Is it wine o'clock yet?

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