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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to university after my kids start school full time...

37 replies

Nottotheirstandards · 02/08/2018 09:33

So I know I am not being unreasonable as I can do what I like. However it is starting to really grind my gears.... my she's friends are a different circle to mine but we meet up with them regularly. I get on with their wives. All good! 95% of them are university educated and come from another country. I am British. Dh is not. That is not the issue. Just back ground info.

I am always asked when meeting someone new. Did you go to university? I say no and this followed by an Oh!... So what did you do? I reply with my acceptable yet mundane job before kids.

I am a sahm. But I do work for my dh for our family business from home. I do this with 3 kids under 6 and have also helped many if these friends find their feet when moving here by putting them up or doing admin for them as English is not their first language. Yet I think they think I am beneath them because I didn't go to university... my dh did but dropped out to become a police officer bit needed up choosing a different path. I can see they think the same of my dh.

Now most of them are struggling for work as they have done niche subjects and it is of no use to them here. Most of the ladies are sahms too but do not work of any sort. No problem for me.

Yet I am seen as a British lazy woman...Hmm

I am frequently asked why I don't want to go to university after my kids are all in full time school. I pointed out I am nearing 30 and don't want to go back to the class room. I have plans to be involved more in the family business which gives me flexibility with the kids and hope to have my own business in the future and dont want to be saddled with debt. This is followed by oh what a shame....

What is wrong with people? Grrr.... Sorry just a rant. It's been a looking week.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nottotheirstandards · 02/08/2018 09:34

My dh backs me up btw. He tells them not to be so silly

OP posts:
NancyDonahue · 02/08/2018 09:36

Why do you care what they think? You have a fulfilling life and bring value to your family. That's all that matters. You can do uni at any time if YOU want to. Stuff them.

Sleepyslops · 02/08/2018 09:39

Ignore them! University isn't necessary!

I went to uni straight after school, graduated at the age of 21. I'm now 33 and haven't "used" my degree once... in fact I'm now studying part time at level 3 (distance learning).

Original poster
Nottotheirstandards · 02/08/2018 09:42

Thanks guys. Yes all my school friends. Well most have ended up doing similar to you sleepy
I don't care so much but it is rather annoying as it comes up in conversation a lot.

I have mastered a cold stare a not for me and walk off to the kitchen to make another abundance of tea.

I think they think I am stupid.... I could go if I wanted. I did my a levels. But didn't want to go to uni. And I met dh young and he already had a business which has now evolved and wanted kids young.

I'm very happy with my life. We don't have a mortgage and we rent that's my only 'problem per say. But we are hoping to get on the property ladder in a few years and I think I would feel quite complete with my life!

But no..... I should go to uni...

OP posts:
Neshoma · 02/08/2018 09:42

Go to uni if YOU want to, not to please other people.

Can you say "see how successful I am without a degree"

OR

You could do and OU degree if you really wanted to.

TroubledLichen · 02/08/2018 09:47

These ‘friends’ are your problem, not your level of education.

RoboticSealpup · 02/08/2018 09:47

I think they see you as intelligent and they think it's somehow a 'waste' of your brain that you didn't go to university.

Slomi · 02/08/2018 09:55

Don't let it get to you OP. I spent 7 years in University, have a first degree and a research masters.. Couldn't get a job in the field as the bottom fell out of the industry and never really recovered and I'm too long out of it now. Also not on the property ladder yet but getting there. I got an entry-level job 3 years ago, got promoted and am slowly working my way up to a decent enough salary but when I think of how much further along I'd be and how much more savings I'd have if I'd never gone to college... Blush. You sound like you've all figured out, so don't doubt yourself for a minute!

Original poster
Nottotheirstandards · 02/08/2018 09:58

Thanks guys. Just needed someone to tell me I'm not crazy and haven't wasted my time!

OP posts:
notacooldad · 02/08/2018 10:01

You either need to get this resolved once and for all and letting them know it's not up for discussion or you need to get new friends!

Notevilstepmother · 02/08/2018 10:01

How about responding with “Oh I’m far too involved with running the business to do something as indulgent as studying for a degree I don’t actually need right now.”

LoniceraJaponica · 02/08/2018 10:08

I didn't go to university. I only did 2 A levels because I didn't work for my O levels. I grew up in 6th form and took more O levels and eventually ended up with 9.

By the time I left school I was fed up with studying. I have worked all of my life, with a 4 year childcare break. No-one looks down on me for not going to university.

You need better friends.

Ihatemycar · 02/08/2018 10:12

Sounds like your friends are Asians and they are for the most part incredibly academic. They value education and are willing to put time and a lot of effort into having a degree.
I personally didn't go to Uni I never needed a degree.
Intelligence and education are very different I've never been asked if I have a degree I guess my friends don't care if I do or don't.
Learning can be done anywhere and you can be educated without a degree.
Your friends don't sound like they are doing that much with their degree.

TacoLover · 02/08/2018 10:15

Sounds like your friends are Asians and they are for the most part incredibly academic.

Hmm
mindutopia · 02/08/2018 10:23

I think that’s very odd. Your friends sound a bit weird, but you also sound a bit insecure about this. No one has ever asked me if I went to university. I went to three of them actually and I have a PhD, though I am currently at home with two small children. My dh also went to university, but I’d self employed in a creative field where a university degree isn’t at all necessary and wouldn’t be assumed. People often ask him where he trained (in his craft, it wasn’t at university), but not about university. I actually feel awkward talking about my PhD and never mention it, as it seems like a very boasty thing to bring up in conversation.

But no, YANBU to not go to university as long as you are able to have a job you enjoy and is financially secure if you need/want to work. My work is very specialist and I need a PhD to do it and I love what I do. So it was the right thing for me. My dh though felt that university was mostly about the social aspects. Most of his closest adult friends he met there. He did learn some useful business skills, but really it was about having fun and living independently for the first time. When you’re 30 with several dc, you aren’t really looking for drunken fun with your uni mates anyway. As long as what you’re doing works for your family and makes you happy, then you’re doing the right thing.

ISeeTheRainIsBack · 02/08/2018 10:24

The friends are the problem. But maybe they are salvageable if they can listen to your point of view and moderate their comments?

I had this attitude (slightly) until about the age of 25 (when no glittering career dropped into my lap!) If I'd have kept on with it despite life experience I'd have been genuinely foolish imho.

I remember getting an inkling when a friend of that era said that the common problem with our respective mother in laws was their lack of degree level education. Luckily I came from a fabulous family of non-degree educated, wise people. I had solid evidence that her way of thinking was severely flawed and in its own way a straightjacket. Same person used to say she could tell in minutes if she was compatible with someone. Same judgementalism working on (imho) superficialities.

(Said person still lives near but to the surprise of old acquaintances we have had no contact for years. It's nicer that way!)

Happyhippy45 · 02/08/2018 10:34

Totally understand op. It's really irritating being surrounded by uni educated people when they talk about it as the only path to success.
My dh went to uni. I didn't. Some of his friends partners that don't know us that well just assume I went to uni and express concern that my kids don't and are very uncomfortable and awkward when they find out I didn't go. It's like I'm no longer appropriate friend material. Which is fine as pretentious twat is not appropriate friend material for me Grin

In the USA the kid said school had "College day" where the kids would come in wearing their parents old college sweaters. The majority of parents at that school had been to college....but wasn't very nice for the rest of us and our kids.....my dh went to uni in the uk where it would be almost laughable to have a uni sweatshirt and keepin it until you were in your 40s.

Original poster
Nottotheirstandards · 02/08/2018 10:36

They are not asian. No....

I'm not insecure about it. Until we see them. Unfortunately they are very good friends if dh. So we see them a lot. It doesn't come up as much now. Unless they bring someone we have never met before and it's almost like an interview when meeting their new friends. However every now and then it does come up in conversation. I am paranoid about it when around them. Feel like I have to prove myself or something. But not in general life. I am fine and never give it a seconds thought. We met some one new the other day who was visiting one of our friends so it came up again. That's why it is annoying me now.

It's all so very stupid but had a long exhausting week and it was the icing on the cake so to speak.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nottotheirstandards · 02/08/2018 10:38

Thanks happy.. That is actually awful if the USA school to do that! Talk about segregation!

OP posts:
Original poster
Nottotheirstandards · 02/08/2018 10:39

The funny thing is they all have degrees galore but not an ounce of common sense between them! It's quite funny watching them planning their trips or jobs that need to be done. And then I pipe up with quite an easy direct method and they say...oh yeah!

OP posts:
Verbena87 · 02/08/2018 10:44

Keep your chin up. 2 of the most intelligent women I know didn’t go to uni. I have a postgrad qualification and a decent salaried job: even after 5 years paying back my student loans my student debt is big enough to make me feel sick and now I’m going down to part time (because I love being a mum and being at home parenting is more fulfilling and rewarding than the much-loved job that I worked hard to qualify for) I don’t think I’ll ever pay it off.

So you could ask why you should deliberately end up in debt when you’re happy with your life, if you were feeling snippy.

Bowlofbabelfish · 02/08/2018 10:52

You go to uni because you have a mix of a passion for a subject and a need for a qualification to get you on a specific path for a career you’re interested in. Otherwise it’s a waste of time and money (whilst it’d be lovely to study for fun, very few people have that luxury.)

You have stability, a career and aren’t wanting to do it for the sake of it - so it’d be an active disadvantage for you, not an advantage. Your ‘friends’ are being pointlessly snobby imo.

81Byerley · 02/08/2018 10:52

Do what you want ! A university education is not the be all and end all! I have four children, all grown up. The two most successful in their careers are the two who struggled at school. They would never have got into university.

I personally have come across this sort of attitude, when at a party I told a man I was a cleaner. A look of faint horror came over his face before he managed to say "Oh, how nice" before he drifted away from me. Obviously I was too unintelligent to be worth having a conversation with. I later took great delight in accidentally showing him my Mensa card.

MereDintofPandiculation · 02/08/2018 10:57

Work on a "publicity blurb" for what you spend your time on. You and your husband run a business (don't say "you help with") - that's a good starter. People start off by taking you at your own valuation, so don't undervalue yourself in what you say to others. And never ever use the phrase "I'm only a..."

LoniceraJaponica · 02/08/2018 11:07

I am 59, and only a small percentage of my peers went to university so I don't have this problem. Although, if I did I would have no compunction in pointing out that with my work experience I am far more employable than someone with a degree in a niche subject.