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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mobile phone use during sleepovers/playdates

27 replies

CookieDoughKid · 01/08/2018 21:17

I'd be interested to hear people's views on this. For the record, I am pro devices, internet and apps that generate a lot of fun and good use. I work in the software industry, have done for last 20 years for some of the most technology advanced companies ever to have been created.

My daughter is 10 and so is her friend.
DD invited her friend from 2 doors down for a sleepover.
I said yes fine.
Friend brought an iphone.
I said no phones, we will keep downstairs with me.
I have a no mobile and laptop rule for my dcs in the evenings, they are all younger than 10 and do not yet own their mobile phone.
Friend immediately said she's bored and going home. I said we have a dedicated playroom (we do) with many many toys, musical instruments, arts, crafts, games, puzzles you name it - we have it.
I explained to her mum on the phone why she is going home because of the no phone rule especially because I feel my dd easily becomes addicted to it and I wanted this to be a proper playdate. I also said her daughter is welcome ANY time.
Mum asked to speak to her daughter.
Her daughter said to her mum (I heard her on the phone) that my dd plays with her dad's phone at night.
Her mum responded along the lines of 'double standards' - I heard her!
Her daughter blatantly lied.
Her daughter said there was nothing she wanted to play with other than her phone so she went home.
I didn't respond to that. Her daughter hung up and left.
Now my dd is filling the playroom floor with an elaborate domino and marble game and I wished her friend had stayed for that.

I'm exasperated by the fact that some kids these days cannot play on their own, or worse with friends without a mobile phone in their hand and especially on a playdate. No imagination whatsoever for creative play. Yet their homes are filled with more toys than we ever dreamed of when I was at DD's age, and the £££ spent on her toys alone woth more than the holidays my family ever had when I child. I live on a pretty middle class street, I'd imagine her home is like mine filled with too many 'things'.

If you were me, would you have let the girls keep the phone? Was I being too draconion? I'd be interested in your views.

OP posts:
Cyclingpast · 01/08/2018 21:21

No you weren't draconian and no I would not have let the girls keep the phone. I can't see the point in coming round to play if you're just going on your phone. It is sad that some children won't play without their phones.

Original poster
CookieDoughKid · 01/08/2018 21:33

Thanks Cycling for your response. Glad to know I'm not alone. I will need to delete this thread as I accidentally posted my dd's name!

OP posts:
Cyclingpast · 01/08/2018 21:38

I think you can just ask them to remove her name.

ErictheGuineaPig · 01/08/2018 21:39

No I wouldn't have taken it away. They may well have just ended up playing if you'd left them to it. You were a bit quick to assume they'd be glued to it, you never gave it a chance to play out.

Seasawride · 01/08/2018 21:44

Yes got to say I think you jumped in too quickly op. Rules are bendy for sleepovers etc. Like the food. A better way forward is to keep a weather eye on them but don’t micro manage.

The girl sounds bad mannered though

ErictheGuineaPig · 01/08/2018 21:48

Yes, not great that she lied but she was possibly blind sided by being asked to hand over her phone straight away like that. Some kids feel reassured on sleepovers knowing they can keep in touch with their parents

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 01/08/2018 21:48

Hmmm, I would say no phones from bedtime, but I don't think I would have removed them earlier. I have a 10 yr old and on last sleepover they spent the evening making an iMovie - lots of fun, v creative etc.

Haworthia · 01/08/2018 21:49

I don’t think you jumped in too quickly. She would have been terrible company for your daughter, sat on her phone in the corner. She sounds very spoiled too. An iPhone at 10? “I’m going home then!” Shock

Lucky escape, dude.

Topseyt · 01/08/2018 21:50

I think it is presumptuous to just take away another child's phone and wouldn't have done that. I would have explained later to your DD that it had been left as a one-off because clearly it is not your place to confiscate her friend's things, but it doesn't change your general rule for her though.

That said, the child did behave like a spoilt brat, which isn't impressive.

Stellenbosch · 01/08/2018 21:52

I don't think you had a right to take her phone away. I certainly wouldn't expect a parent to do that! It's not your property. Also, I would feel better if my child had access to their phone so they could contact me whenever they wanted! And not have to ask permission from someone else's parent!

Whereismumhiding2 · 01/08/2018 21:52

Nope YANBU.
All my DDs (9-13) friend's mum's have no phones rule for sleep overs, phones stay downstairs. What "fun" having a friend over glued to her phone?!

Be relieved she went home and invite different child next time. She knew rules before she came. I'd be Hmm that the child lied too.

Seasawride · 01/08/2018 21:55

You have no idea she would have been terrible company she might want her phone to text her mum. My dds would have wanted to do that at 10 and I would probably have seen you as a bit out of order to do this to be honest op.

Original poster
CookieDoughKid · 01/08/2018 21:55

All fair points. Thank you.

I can only go by my daughter but lately, since she's discovered our own phones, she's reading a lot less, playing a lot less with traditional games and music instruments and given the choice between phone and any other kind of play possible (including going outside), it's the phone that trumps all.

The issue is with my dd, not her friend but I wasn't envisaging a phone dominated playdate. Or I am now outdated of how kids play on playdates, hence this post to explore what other people do....

OP posts:
Seasawride · 01/08/2018 21:56

all my dds friends mums have a no phone rule

Bloody sensible but that wasn’t the case here was it

Original poster
CookieDoughKid · 01/08/2018 21:57

I wouldn't have prevented the friend from using the phone to make a call. This friend only lives TWO doors down btw. So in effect, didn't even need it to contact her mum and dad.

OP posts:
Ethylred · 01/08/2018 21:58

Your house, your rules.

middleagedalready · 01/08/2018 22:00

I wouldn't let a DC keep their phone at night on a sleep over, we have a strict no tech in bedroom rule. Having followed similar threads on here were people were surprised at this rule being enforced I would now make it clear to other parent at drop off I would do this. I would expect any visiting DC to stick to the same few rules as my DC and expect my DC to do the same in other people's houses.

middleagedalready · 01/08/2018 22:01

My DC are also 10. Happily only one friend has a phone though. The rest have tablets.

Cyclingpast · 01/08/2018 22:04

Children used to manage just fine on sleepovers without having their own phones.
Also, I don't understand why phones in particular have such a "protected" status in some people's eyes. It's not about "confiscating property"! Asking a visiting child to follow your house rules, or asking them to put their phone away, or on a table etc is hardly confiscating their property. Surely children should be taught that they have to follow the rules of the home they are in? It's just good manners to spend time with your hosts when you are at someone else's house, rather than spending time on your phone.

Cyclingpast · 01/08/2018 22:05

We had a sleepover here a few nights ago. Two 12 year olds and a 13 year olds. None of them own phones.

IceCreamFace · 01/08/2018 22:08

Mine are younger. Sometimes friends bring tablets on playdates - I'm happy for them to have a little play and show each other their favourite games but always shoo them off after half and hour and they play happily with each other. I know some have tablets at sleepovers (some even let them have a movie in bed) but I wouldn't personally.

hudyerwheesht · 01/08/2018 22:10

As a pp has said, it is sad that kids can't play without their phones but the responses on here show you why - people afraid to take phones away from kids as young as 10 ffs- if they need to get in touch with a parent they can do so by asking for their phone and using it for that purpose instead of as an expensive toy.
And if the parent needs to reach the child they can contact the other parent.

We all had play dates and sleepovers at aged 10 and none of us had a bloody mobile to contact/be contacted on by our parents and it didn't do us any harm, whereas the cost of this convenience is a generation of kids growing where phone addiction is the norm.

OP you were definitely not BU but sadly we are probably in the minority in our way of thinking where this subject is concerned.

cariadlet · 01/08/2018 22:13

I think you did the right thing. My dd didn't have a phone until the end of Year 6 (I was going to wait until she went to secondary school, but it made more sense to have one in the last term to swap numbers with friends who were going to different secondary school).

It was the same for most of her friends, so playdates in the pre-teen years involved actively doing something rather than staring at a screen. She's 15 now so it wasn't that long ago, but there seems to be a huge change in a few years in so far as it now seems to be the norm for young kids to have phones when they don't really need them.

Some kids seem to be a bit insecure without their phones and some parents seem to be very precious about no-phone rules. Maybe, instead of saying "no phones" you could have been a bit less direct and said something like "We don't have phones in the bedroom or playroom, so I'd like you to leave it here instead. It will be here if you need to call your mum anytime."

ErictheGuineaPig · 01/08/2018 22:20

Just a crazy idea but maybe they would have played on the phones AND with toys. It really doesn't have to be either or. My 11 yo had all his mates round for a sleepover a few weeks back, all with phones. They were in the garden playing football until I dragged them in when it got dark. They spent the entire day on their bikes too. And yet round here unrestricted phone use from an earlyish age seems the norm.

Imagine if I'd demanded they hand all their phones over as soon as they arrived... I'd Have made a big issue out of it without even needing too! They didn't need me policing their phone use.

Original poster
CookieDoughKid · 02/08/2018 20:33

Thanks all for your feedback. What I've learnt is to set expectations up front prior on play dates and it removes surprises. I won't retract my no phone rule. Another issue is that I can almost bet 90% that phones owned by others like my dd's friend won't have any child protection enabled what I mean is, whitelisted apps and web filtering enabled. Plus many 'child friendly' unvetted social apps can leave open vulnerabilities like viruses.. you don't know who could be online and could well be posting photos, videos of themselves wide to the internet and also of our house, not to mention receiving the same. I don't have the right to snoop on other peoples phones so I'd rather they weren't turned on....until we start phasing in an educated safe approach to using phones.

OP posts:
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