To pay towards hen party?

[LoveIsNotInTheAir]

I’ve been asked to help plan my friends hen party - I’m a bridesmaid but I live in a different country and the other 3 bridesmaids all live in the US where the bride also lives. I’m already spending £700-800 to fly over for the wedding and so I’m not attending the hen party (which the bride is fine with but she still wants me to help plan it!)

She wants a whole weekend in a posh hotel, spa treatments and about 3/4 activities as well as dinner and a night out. I personally wouldn’t attend even if I was in the same country due to the cost! There will be about 20 people going.

We’ve been told that we’re splitting the cost of the brides share amongst the hens. My question is really should I be expected to pay towards her share if I’m not going or should it be split between the people that are actually attending?

You're not a hen. You're not in the country or even timezone. You can't organise effectively or do any quality control or follow up...of course you don't pay...or organize ( which implies a level of participation).

Or you could double down on the bullshit and ask for the cost of your flight to be split "by the hens" too

Is this the first time you've been involved in a wedding op?

You're getting a few harsh/blunt replies but I get the impression that you've not come across hen party/bridezilla antics before.

The usual form of things is that the maid of honour/chief bridesmaid organises the hen. Everyone pays for themselves.
It's a kind gesture to pay for the hen but not a necessity and in this case it looks to be quite extravagant so it would be a no from me.

As you are unable to attend you should have nothing to do with it really. I know you can research online but as you won't be able to view things in person or be there to sort out any problems it seems silly to even be a part of it.
I would just wish them well with the planning and say to the bride how much you're looking forward to seeing the photos etc and attending the wedding.
No-one should be expecting you to contribute and it doesn't make you feel involved as you can't possibly be involved.
I would bow out now before any expectations of payment etc are made.

I wouldn't get involved with planning or organising anything. Get out of the conversation WELL before people start talking about costs / how to split them

Otherwise, you'll be the bad guy if they ask everyone to pay X, you explain you're not paying, then they have to ask others to pay more .........

I would be out the planning too . It makes it easier to say no when asking for payment.

I would be really annoyed if someone was planning an extravagant weekend they couldn’t attend.

I also think I would like an extravagant weekend I don’t have to pay for.

Keep out of the whole thing. It’s not expected that someone who doesn’t go pays.

No! Don't get involved at all!

"have a lovely time all"

Absolutely not. I'd also shy away from organising something you're not attending because you might well get the blame if it's too costly etc.

Like others have said I’d take a back seat with the planning. It might make you feel like you’re helping the bride and it’s hard to say no but again it will also make it harder to say no to not sharing the cost. They could easily say oh you recommended this spa/treatment etc.

My hen was afternoon tea in a nice hotel, drink on the town (my choice) and a spa day the next morning. It was my hens who wanted to stay in the spa hotel and picked it without consulting me BUT I paid my share of everything (my mum booked and paid for my share of the spa hotel as I didn’t know then texted me after telling me my share. My sisters also booked themselves in for spa treatment in advance but none left for me on the day other than the 30min massage that was included!)

To be honest, I think you are worrying about nothing! You say that you’ve been time the bride’s cost is being split between the hens - but you AREN’T one of the hens and you haven’t even been asked to contribute! Truthfully I think this is a stretch of an AIBU when it’s about something that might never happen....

I will echo others to say it’s odd to be involved in organising it when you live in a different country. Do you think it’s because your friend wants you to feel included in things as you are a bridesmaid but live so far away? That’s the only reason why I could think she has asked you to help other that the others being completely inept!

UPDATE: The CF bridesmaid I mentioned asked me how I would be paying my share so she didn’t incur any international transaction fees so I followed your advice and said I wouldn’t be as I’m not going

She’s annoyed at me but the others are fine and said they wouldn’t have expected me to

Wow, she really is a CF isn't she? I bet she's have still split the cost by 20, not 21, and what you paid would have covered her share!

Glad to hear everyone else agreed and backed you up though!