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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I overreacting?

50 replies

CrispsAndDip · 01/08/2018 10:41

I am feeling really upset and just downright sad about this situation.

I will try not to drip feed.

DP and I been together 5 years, lived together for 4. For the majority of our relationship she (we are both women) has been the main bread winner.

2 years ago I was promoted and I am now on roughly £4k more a year than she is. No massive difference really.

I work hard, my job is very challenging.

Our house has always been half done. She has taken doors off but never bought new ones, started painting and not yet finished - that kind of thing.

She wants a new sofa and I have said I don't really want to because our cat and dog are forever marking the one we have. She has seen a cheap version of the one we want from a furniture store, on Gumtree for around £280.

I have had battles with finances for most of my life and she knows this, I am a terrible spender but have started to feel like I am finally taking control of things, opened savings accounts etc.

My plan for this month (bonus month) was to put away £300.00 to savings because I want to start saving for nicer furniture and to decorate. I am sick of having second hand things all the time!

She is telling me we NEED this sofa because ours is tired and doesnt match the paint in the living room(!). Apparently all of a sudden she can't possibly wait another 6 months or so for another sofa and she needs this one now. I've not seen this side to her before, she is being really precious.

All this stuff is trivial but I don't like the way she is acting.

I feel like she is pressuring me into spending my earned bonus on something I don't want. I really dont want it. I told her lots of reasons why I dont want it last night and she dismissed them all then told me to think about it.

We ended up going to sleep not speaking to each other.

It's making me anxious because I wnat to be able to give her what I want but if I do fork out I am back where I always am every month - a bit skint and fuck all to show for it other than a sofa I don't fucking want.

I'm angry she is being like this and I feel like I don't know her. She should respect my choice.

It just makes me think of other ways she has treated me in the past, like I'm a joke and my opinion doesn't really matter.

She doesn't like any of my suggestions about how to decorate.

I know its just a small things but I am feeling down and sad about it.

Any suggestions how to put an unconfrontational foot down?

OP posts:
Queenofthestress · 01/08/2018 10:43

I'd try set a date where you'll look at redecorating/buying new things

SneakyGremlins · 01/08/2018 10:43

Is she expecting the money to come from you, a joint account or her? If the first two, refuse. If she wants one that bad she can pay for it with what she earns.

I'd still put the £300 away, sounds like a great idea

Original poster
CrispsAndDip · 01/08/2018 10:57

Hi

She wants me to stump up. I just bloody cried to a colleague outside. She agrees that she is being unreasonable.

OP posts:
MereDintofPandiculation · 01/08/2018 11:04

She should respect my choice. It sounds like you both have different opinions, and haven't yet worked out a way to compromise, or, failing compromise, to decide whose opinion prevails. There's no real reason why she should "respect your choice" unless you are prepared equally to "respect her choice". It's clear from your posts that you feel your opinions aren't being listened to. But it's not so clear that you listen to her opinions either - you talk about them quite dismissively: "Apparently all of a sudden she can't possibly wait another 6 months".
You need to look behind the sofa problem to the bigger problem of decision making and listening to each other, else this could break your relationship.

Trinity66 · 01/08/2018 11:15

Sounds like the bigger issue is you don't feel like she takes anything you say on board or respects your opinions, that's the problem here, the sofa just brought it to a head for you. You need to tackle this because it's always going to cause you problems in the future otherwise.

HollowTalk · 01/08/2018 11:20

You have much bigger problems than the sofa. She treats you as a joke and thinks your opinions don't matter. She wants to spend your money. She can't finish anything she starts (that would really piss me off.)

When she was earning more, did she contribute more or did you share things 50:50?

Pengggwn · 01/08/2018 11:45

Well...

It sounds like, when she earned more (was actually the breadwinner) you were a "terrible spender" (your words). Now you earn more, you want to save.

A case of "what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine?"

Original poster
CrispsAndDip · 01/08/2018 11:46

She did contribute more.

mere You are right, maybe I am being too dismissive and she is posting somewhere about me too!

We do need to compromise. I did say that we would purchase a new sofa in April sometime and she said no, because we will end up not saving... which is what I am trying to do

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 01/08/2018 11:48

And when she contributed more, you spent more?

Lazypuppy · 01/08/2018 11:50

If she wants somethong for the house she can buy it. Tell her you don't need to buy everything 50:50. If you don't want to spend your money on it then don't.

Original poster
CrispsAndDip · 01/08/2018 11:53

pengggwn

I can hand on heart state I did not spend her money, my own yes. But I never relied on her for money. We each paid in to bills account the same each month and anything left over was ours to spend how we liked.

She did pay for my driving lessons which I have now paid her back for, plus I gave her £300 to replace the car key she lost last christmas.

I have also paid off one of her catalogue bills.

She has recently said she is struggling with some debts she kept hidden from me and I offered to help her with these on the provision she provides me with the details and telephone numbers or she contacts them to find out about payment plans and freezing interest.

She hasn't done it.

I agreed to pay the monthly finance on a sofa for us before christmas, it was all in her name, but she never sent the signed agreement back despite me and her mum reminding her. The form was left in her car.

I just dont understand it!

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 01/08/2018 11:57

CrispsAndDip

Sorry, clearly I misunderstood you: what did you mean when you said she was the main breadwinner, if you put the same amount into household bills and just spent what was left over independently?

Ihatemycar · 01/08/2018 12:02

I think you are maturing and in the process of changing some of your values. I think you are beginning to value your hard work and effort.
It is very encouraging to think that you are taking seriously how you want your life to be and have more security in your future.
We all mature at a different rate but you sound very reasonable.
Don't bow to pressure and maybe you are going to have to have a grown up conversation about the future.
If you love her she'll understand that you don't want to be vulnerable and have a need to start saving for the future.
See if she can be in the same page as you if not your future together will be challenging.

bsbabas · 01/08/2018 12:05

You spent her money why can't she spend your money why are you making all the decisions for her

SugarIsAmazing · 01/08/2018 12:06

I would say 'happy wife, happy life' but that would complicate things further...

HollowTalk · 01/08/2018 12:13

I would go for a complete split in money and have your own accounts and pay for joint things together. To be honest, I think she's trying to get money out of you for fictitious debts.

It doesn't sound a healthy relationship. Do you have children together?

Original poster
CrispsAndDip · 01/08/2018 12:13

Sorry, clearly I misunderstood you: what did you mean when you said she was the main breadwinner, if you put the same amount into household bills and just spent what was left over independently

Meaning she had a higher salary.

bsbabas

Are you on the right thread? I didn't spend her money? She lent me some for driving lessons because I moved to her area which is miles from my home town and workplace so I had no choice but to drive. I paid her back.

She wants a 2nd hand sofa because the colour works better with the room. There is very little wrong with current sofa.

I was willing to pay £250 off her debts. Its not about the money, its the way she is acting to get her own way. The ay she thinks a sofa is more important than putting money away for our future.

OP posts:
Original poster
CrispsAndDip · 01/08/2018 12:15

Do you have children together

No children

OP posts:
BlankTimes · 01/08/2018 12:18

Buy a throw or two in a colour she likes and put it on the sofa for now, then save.

Pengggwn · 01/08/2018 12:18

CrispsAndDip

Then it is misleading use of the term. 'Breadwinner' implies she paid significantly more of the cost of living.

In all honesty, I think separate finances in a relationship of this duration should be unnecessary, and in this case it sounds like it is causing conflict.

But, as you do have and have always had separate finances, I see no reason for you to buy the sofa.

soupforbrains · 01/08/2018 12:19

@bsbabas OP did NOT spend her partners money, she has made that very clear. While her partner was the higher earner they both contributed equally to bills and DP did loan OP money for driving lessons but this has been paid back.

OP, it sounds to me like your partner is trying to get your attention. For what reason it would be impossible for anyone on the outside of the relationship to know but you need to sit down with your partner and have a long discussion.

Explain to her that you want to make improvements to your home but you want to be able to save for a while and then make your joint home really lovely with new things so both of you can have a really nice home together. Explain that you really don't want to effectively throw away your bonus on ANOTHER piece of second hand furniture. Also ASK HER about her ideas for the house, and how she sees things, also ask her again if she wants help with her finances and if she says yes then there and then get the details from her and write out all the pieces of information you don't yet have. Set a little time aside each week in which with your help she can start to get sorted out on her debts. Be positive, make plans and ask her about her ideas too. it sounds like she's feeling a bit sidelined.

All you need to do is really talk. good luck.

M3lon · 01/08/2018 12:21

If she is still hiding debt from you, she may know that she can't get finance in her name...and that she really really can't afford a new sofa, even in 6 months time.

I think she is in a mindset of not being able to escape from the current financial situation, while you are on to a new page with your finances.

I think you need to have a very grown up discussion about what her debt situation actually is, why she doesn't feel there is hope for new things in the future, and whether you are going to deal with financial issues together as a unit or continue to do it separately...but sometimes jointly in the (what appear to me to be) awkward way you are at the moment.

Original poster
CrispsAndDip · 01/08/2018 12:24

Hi Soup

Whenever I ask her to sit down and talk about her finances she says not now.

I work in a job which has provided me with the best possible knowledge to be able to rectify and move on with her situation which is why I am offering to take control.

I advised her on what she should do, find out if she can freeze interest etc but she hasn't.

She owes her Mother £300 which I have offered to start paying off. This is why I am so confused and upset by the way she is acting.

She hasn't text me all day now either.

I want to make her happy, I want to be able to buy nice things for her and things she wants. I want a lovely home but it all takes time.

OP posts:
Travis1 · 01/08/2018 12:25

I'd be really concerned about this when you take it as an overall perspective it doesn't seem to be 'just' about the sofa. I'd stand firm on not using your bonus for it. Also the hidden debt and not facing up to it is rather worrying. TBH though it sounds like you are both on different pages and I think in a relationship when money starts to cause arguments and resentment from either side then it can soon fester over into other areas and ultimately lead to the relationships demise.

RafikiIsTheBest · 01/08/2018 12:26

I'm confused OP, can you help clarify.
She did contribute more.
and then
We each paid in to bills account the same each month and anything left over was ours to spend how we liked.

I'm guessing it was just a typo and you meant she didn't contribute more but I'm not sure. I'm not trying to catch you out just trying to understand how it worked in the past.

I think you need to sit together to work out a way going forwards. My DP and I pay all income into the joint account and both have the same amount transferred into our personal account for personal use. Bills, house, holidays etc are paid for with joint account but all joint account spends must be discussed first. So if I want a new sofa and DP doesn't want to pay for it, or want joint account to I can still get it from my account, IYSWIM. But he'd still have to like it enough for it to go in the living room. But others do their finances differently. Find what works for you both. Same for decorating though! Work together, or call it quits and move on.