Am I overreacting?

[CrispsAndDip]

I am feeling really upset and just downright sad about this situation.

I will try not to drip feed.

DP and I been together 5 years, lived together for 4. For the majority of our relationship she (we are both women) has been the main bread winner.

2 years ago I was promoted and I am now on roughly £4k more a year than she is. No massive difference really.

I work hard, my job is very challenging.

Our house has always been half done. She has taken doors off but never bought new ones, started painting and not yet finished - that kind of thing.

She wants a new sofa and I have said I don't really want to because our cat and dog are forever marking the one we have. She has seen a cheap version of the one we want from a furniture store, on Gumtree for around £280.

I have had battles with finances for most of my life and she knows this, I am a terrible spender but have started to feel like I am finally taking control of things, opened savings accounts etc.

My plan for this month (bonus month) was to put away £300.00 to savings because I want to start saving for nicer furniture and to decorate. I am sick of having second hand things all the time!

She is telling me we NEED this sofa because ours is tired and doesnt match the paint in the living room(!). Apparently all of a sudden she can't possibly wait another 6 months or so for another sofa and she needs this one now. I've not seen this side to her before, she is being really precious.

All this stuff is trivial but I don't like the way she is acting.

I feel like she is pressuring me into spending my earned bonus on something I don't want. I really dont want it. I told her lots of reasons why I dont want it last night and she dismissed them all then told me to think about it.

We ended up going to sleep not speaking to each other.

It's making me anxious because I wnat to be able to give her what I want but if I do fork out I am back where I always am every month - a bit skint and fuck all to show for it other than a sofa I don't fucking want.

I'm angry she is being like this and I feel like I don't know her. She should respect my choice.

It just makes me think of other ways she has treated me in the past, like I'm a joke and my opinion doesn't really matter.

She doesn't like any of my suggestions about how to decorate.

I know its just a small things but I am feeling down and sad about it.

Any suggestions how to put an unconfrontational foot down?

M3lon That is really helpful advice.

Maybe she is planning on dumping me so wants her new furniture soon lol

If she is still hiding debt from you, she may know that she can't get finance in her name...and that she really really can't afford a new sofa, even in 6 months time

She has already recently been refused credit which is why I plan to put money away to just buy brand new with no credit.

I will try talking to her again tonight. I am just fighting a battle in my head. I so much want to just give her the money to buy the couch and make her happy. But my head is telling me no and to stick to my guns.

Sounds like she's paid for more things than you in the past and wants the favour returned. Maybe it's more about her feeling secure that you are "all in" financially?

When DH and I have been in similar situations the person who wants the item buys it; recently I decided I desperately wanted new bedding and DH said he didn’t have the money for a couple of months and felt ours was fine so I bought it myself. I was happy with that and he’s bought stuff when I’ve been the same. I’m not sure how to say that without being confrontational but I strongly feel that you shouldn’t have to spend money if you don’t agree or don’t need it.

I'm guessing it was just a typo and you meant she didn't contribute more but I'm not sure. I'm not trying to catch you out just trying to understand how it worked in the past

As a couple even when she was earning more we would never spend extravagantly. One foreign holiday in 5 years. We would buy the odd picture for the living room or a couple of new duvet sets you know?

When I say she contributed more, she would occasionally go off budget and buy toiletries, takeaways etc out of her own money.

Our bills account includes a weekly budget for food which we try to stick to.

Sounds like she's paid for more things than you in the past and wants the favour returned. Maybe it's more about her feeling secure that you are "all in" financially

Honestly? I don't know. I don't think so.

I have spent out a lot since my pay rises.

I took her to a luxury cottage for 1 week for our anniversary. Bought theatre tickets and dinner last week. Spent £120 on concert tickets for November, plus a hotel for another special occasion.

I am not tight, neither is she really.

The things above are luxury purchases, usually we are at home every weekend, we never really go out or spend it on nights out - with the exception of last week.

To be fair, £280 for a sofa that you admit you've both wanted from (presumably) a typically expensive shop is a fricking bargain, assuming it's in good condition- second hand furniture is the way to go if you're trying to save!

I'd work together to cheaply get the house into a nice condition. Put the doors back, finish painting, get the sofa (as you say, you both wanted one like that- pay half each perhaps?) and live cheaply and happily together . If it's a matter of principle for you, come up with a compromise- you get to choose the next large piece of furniture or something.

Brand new expensive sofas are overrated! Unless there is more going on behind the scenes- though it does seem a bit like 6 of one and half a dozen of the other on each side.

I dont know, maybe I am overreacting?

Maybe I need to gather my thoughts and consider buying this sofa.

She isn't usually like this so maybe it is the right decision.

I've been after a new bed for months, springs have completely gone but she says we dont need one!

Apologies for the sporadic outbursts lol

It does have an inch long tear in the fabric on the bottom left hand side.

Offer less for the sofa (£200? depends on its value- impossible to say from here!) to account for the tear, on the condition that you get to pick a new bed. If the seller accepts, bingo. If not, at least you tried, and you'll have to wait for a new bed!

If you like the sofa and it's good quality go for it. Our sofa set up back a couple of grand and I'm not sure I'll ever buy another one new.
But also tell her you are going to save up for a new bed. Maybe buy the frame/base 2nd hand with a new mattress. Ask her if she will help save and choose it with you.

I think that she has things on her mind, maybe the debt situation and is not feeling great, she has hopes on this new sofa making things better, sounds daft but she might really think that this sofa will make all the difference and make her happy again.

We all know that the sofa won't really change things, you need to talk to her rather than battle to get your opinion across, you have already done re the sofa, find out about the debt issues or what is troubling her.

Could you spend some effort and/or money on getting on getting the house in a better shape? you just mentioned what she had left half done, i.e. doors, finish painting, what about you? you live there too? My house was half done for a ling time and it really brought me down.

I have messaged the seller from a different email address to ask if she will take £200 but she has not responded lol

Even then we will have to pay for removal

I don't know why you have

Paid £300 for a key age lost
Offered to pay £250 debt she has incurred
Pay £300 she owes to her mum

As you earn roughly the same I think she should replace the car key herself and pay the debts herself.

£4K is not very much when taxed and split over 12 months. Treat her to the odd takeaway. Don't pay off her debts.

She is very cheeky planning to spend your bonus

*for a key she lost

@CrispsAndDip I want to make her happy, I want to be able to buy nice things for her and things she wants. I want a lovely home but it all takes time.

This is a really lovely phrase. Tell her this, in writing preferably if she won't reply to messages and she isn't listening to you then maybe just write her a little hand written note saying that you love her and exactly what you wrote there.

as I said before it's impossible for any of us to know what's going on in her brain. but I would say don't back down on the sofa, but do try to invest some time into just reassuring her of your love and affection.

I think your instincts are right OP. I think buying this one thing, or paying off this bit of debt in an ad hoc manner may actually make things worse. She may be feeling guilty and each time you do for her what she feels she should do herself, it may be increasing defensiveness etc.

Could be the complete opposite and she's taking you for a ride! But I suspect the above explanation is more likely.

I think you need to get to the heart of the matter and come up with a joint plan. Painful but more open and honest, and less room for misunderstanding in the future.

Make a list of all the things you both want in the next 6 months. Make it together, with a cost by each one.

Each of you mark the list in order of priority 1-10. Then compare lists. Come to an agreement that makes you both happy.

Your finances and your DPs priorities sound a bit out of whack, as you have realised.

YANBU. She can't unilaterally decide on which sofa you're going to have and she definitely can't insist you pay for it.

I'd be happy to set a timeline with her for when you'll do what in terms of decorating and how much you're each prepared to contribute but it can't be that she demands whatever she wants for the house and you have to pay for it.

I really wouldn't be buying the sofa, you have a bed with springs poking out? That is more important than the sofa. How has she ended up with all this debt though if you live so frugally and have both contributed the same throughout your relationship? If she was outearning you up until now then realistically she should have some decent savings behind her.

She earned more than you. You both contributed equally. She got into debt on her left over salary while you didn't.

What on?

Now that you are earning more doesn't mean you should just clear her debts. You need to know how they came about to be able to work on it not happening again.

A bed is way more important than a sofa when you have a sofa that will do and a knackered bed.

How can she want that spend money on a sofa when she owes her DM money (and has more debt, been refused credit etc.)?surely the priority should be paying her DM back, then getting on top of her debt.

She sounds like she spends on impulse (overspends)

It'll be a sofa this month, but something else next month...she fully intends to spend all your extra money. You need to put your foot down now.

She did text me lunchtime.

I have said we will discuss this evening. She has agreed to ask the seller to reduce price and if not, bow out. Not sure she is entirely happy but we will see.

I agree with Magoria - something is desperately wrong if she has earned more than you, but has somehow racked up debts. And at the same time she is spending extra on frivolities.

Your DP is seriously mismanaging her money, you need to be VERY wary.

Unless she show you a budget of her income and outgoings, and her debts itemized, you really should NOT be helping her pay off her debts. Save the money in an e-save account somewhere that only you can access. The cynic in me thinks you're going to need it desperately in the not to distant future.

I wouldn't buy the sofa if I were you.

Firstly she needs to take care of her debt. Maybe you could use this as a leverage.
"You do something about your debt and in 6 months we will buy a lovely new sofa. Can't have everything we want. First we need to sort out the important bits nad then we can treat ourselves"

Some people are just naturally horrible with finances, however enabling them as in letting things slide and yet they still can get what they want to buy is not helping. If you keep letting her bury her head it will only get worse x