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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried about 8 year dds behaviour

30 replies

Generallyok · 31/07/2018 20:46

At school she is a model student - school report says she is popular, kind and always helpful but at home she can be the opposite. She has terrible temper tantrums and will say the most awful things. She often strikes out and often hits her older brither( although he does often wind her up). She wakes about 5:30 and we are trying to encourage her play quietly In her room for a while especially now it is the holiday but she is having huge tantrums that she isn’t allowed down stairs. Slammed her bedroom door this morning and woke her brother. . I’m a sham mum and at the moment her often terrible moods are make feel quite low. I’m trying to staying patient but firm with her. Where am I going wrong? I think she is missing school as she is a creature of habit but we have some lovely trips planned and we go for lots of exercise and fresh each day . Should I be worried about her behaviour as her aggression worries me. If I ever imply to anyone else about her behaviour they never believe me as no one apart from close family see her behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
Generallyok · 31/07/2018 21:01

Anyone?

OP posts:
Original poster
Generallyok · 31/07/2018 21:12

Sorry one last bump

OP posts:
chronicallyexhausted · 31/07/2018 21:14

Could she be absolutely exhausted from school?

IceCreamFace · 31/07/2018 21:16

I think there could be a million reasons.

Could be a developmental issue (ADHD/autism) although unlikely unless there are other issues that you haven't mentioned here. Some kids with these conditions manage just about at school but having nothing left at the end of the day and meltdown.

Could it be just that she feels free to show her anger/darker emotions at home and this is her stress release?

Are there any triggers you can pin point?

KeepServingTheDrinks · 31/07/2018 21:16

If she craves routines, give her one. Let her know the plans for each day/week. And give her some more specific timetables for each day. Eg
8am come into mum
8.30 breakfast etc. A

Passthecake30 · 31/07/2018 21:16

How is she academically? If she is is on the upper level of the scale... is she bored? When my dd is playing up I give her some maths Smile. It wouldn't work for ds, but it does help her calm down.

Ophelialovescats · 31/07/2018 21:17

She may be on the ASD....may not. More details needed . Do you have scanctions in place ?

Maelstrop · 31/07/2018 21:19

Is she like this during term time or just the holidays?

KeepServingTheDrinks · 31/07/2018 21:19

Sorry, posted too soon. Maybe she could help develop the timetables.

Give her a helpful role in the family? Give her choices with a. Clear consequence and firm boundaries

Good luck.

Remember, if she's saving the worst for you, that's the place she feels safest

Original poster
Generallyok · 31/07/2018 21:23

Thanks so much for replies. I have wondered about autism as I know girls are better at hiding behaviour to others. I’m not sure what else I should be looking for, it’s just her real aggression and that fact she will hit me when cross (something my son would never do)I can’t reason with her when she says sorry it is not genuine. I will Try being more organised in the holidays though and try and plan better so she knows what she is doing each day to see if that makes s difference.

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Original poster
Generallyok · 31/07/2018 21:25

She does have these outbursts during weekends and after school but not as badly as the holidays. I feel sad that I can’t make her happy and calm. I keep hoping that maybe she is deficient in something or more rest will help her.

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1forsorrow2forjoy · 31/07/2018 21:44

My daughter is 13 and exactly the same. She is a lovely delightful helpful thoughtful girl at school and then she can be a little shit at home! She is funny and great as well but when the most descends she becomes someone totally different that you cannot reason with. It's who she is she is fiery and fierce and determined. I have always just seen it as her being a second child! She is going to rule the world one day but we just have to survive raising her to see it!

hiddeneverything · 31/07/2018 21:46

Following. My 4 yo has been the same recently

Original poster
Generallyok · 31/07/2018 22:04

Thanks 1for. Can I ask whether your dd does or did hit too?

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1forsorrow2forjoy · 31/07/2018 22:14

She used to hit and still would if anyone is near enough and as she is an elite athlete she is bloody strong! She works hard at her sport which helps control her, she likes to be physically worn out and doesn't enjoy rest days. I try to talk to her when she is a good mood because when she is she is the child I get on best with and have a real laugh with. I have told her that sometimes we feel like she rules the house and we all pussyfoot around to not set her off on one but she doesn't see it. She is also the sort of person who flies off the handle and then gets over it where as I am a sulker so it is something I am having to learn to accept and deal with. We are all different and I know when they go crazy it is awful but I think she is just a strong personality. These kids are the new world leaders I'm telling you! No one will convince them they can't succeed!

WeirdScenesInsideTheGoldmine · 31/07/2018 22:17

My sister was like this and is still an asshole as a thirty year old.

My parents accepted that this was her personality far too easily and that was very damaging for her siblings, we were all harangued endlessly and my parents were openly scared of disciplining her by the time she was a teenager

You need to get on top of it with firm boundaries and consequences and talking about feelings and triggers. She’s surely to articulate her feelings so start there

missmapp · 31/07/2018 22:23

Ds2 is exactly like this. We find he i s worse when hungry or tired. He eats little and often and that helps hugely.s

We had a book from Amazon .. What to do when I get angry. It was a bit American but we read a bit a night together and it did help. I also read The explosive child, which was really useful.tea

He is always worse at the start of the holidays, mainly as he is shattered I think. It also links toroutine. Each night we go through the plan for the next day. Helps a bit.

He is ten and things are generally better mainly as he now recognises when he is angry and will try to calm himself down with strategies. Still have had days though.
Good luck, it is hard .

1forsorrow2forjoy · 31/07/2018 22:24

@WeirdScenesInsideTheGoldmine we definitely punish our DD, as she can attest with her screaming 'it's not fair why am I the only one who ever has their phone taken off them' and slamming her bedroom door a couple of days ago!

Beamur · 31/07/2018 22:31

Any other concerns?
My DD had a similar pattern, really lovely well behaved child, some quirky behaviours but holidays, summer holidays especially seemed to trigger some awful behaviour.
It turned out she was suffering quite badly with anxiety, she was coping poorly with certain aspects of growing up basically, being able to assess risks, made much worse by some stressful aspects of our family life at that time - I was caring for my increasingly ill mother and it was affecting DD.
This may be totally wrong for your DD, but maybe worth a bit of reading up to see if there are any similar issues.
DD was referred to CAHMS had a course of CBT style counselling and hasn't looked back. Still experiences some of the problem triggers but has excellent strategies to deal with them now.

FaithEverPresent · 31/07/2018 22:43

I did immediately wonder about Autism (I am autistic myself). The love of routine, the explosive episodes....I would highly recommend ‘The explosive child’ by Ross Greene for giving you changes in approach to help you support her, regardless of what is driving the behaviour.

ShawshanksRedemption · 31/07/2018 22:47

It could be ASD/ADHD or it could be other things. I would keep a diary so you can write down her behaviour and what triggered it. You might see a pattern develop.

Whatever is causing it, she is showing anxious behaviour resulting in her getting angry and lashing out. Why does she want to go downstairs at 5.30am? If she does go downstairs, does she play quietly or is she loud wanting people to be up and with her?

Your DS needs to stop winding her up if it results in a meltdown - he's being rather unfair on her to goad her in this way and he needs to understand that he needs to mature a bit.

Having a structure and a timetable is a great idea - you can use a calendar with dates/times on it for events and make sure you talk it through with her regularly on what to expect.

How does she find friendships?

ShawshanksRedemption · 31/07/2018 22:51

Also this school is leading the way on girls and autism and I'd recommend having a look at their info pages if you suspect ASD.

limpsfieldgrange.co.uk/autism/information/

Shockers · 31/07/2018 22:52

Do you think a visual timetable for each day might work? It could be written on a whiteboard in the morning and you could go through it together.

Nannyplumshairstyle · 31/07/2018 22:53

Look up PDA it's a type of autism that fits your dd's profile very well.
Loads of support groups on FB. feel free to PM me any questions.

Domino20 · 31/07/2018 22:57

Why does she have to stay in her room? Have you tried showing her how to make her self a piece of toast, hot drink and to turn the TV on? I would expect her to be able to manage these things independently at 8.