To be worried about 8 year dds behaviour

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At school she is a model student - school report says she is popular, kind and always helpful but at home she can be the opposite. She has terrible temper tantrums and will say the most awful things. She often strikes out and often hits her older brither( although he does often wind her up). She wakes about 5:30 and we are trying to encourage her play quietly In her room for a while especially now it is the holiday but she is having huge tantrums that she isn’t allowed down stairs. Slammed her bedroom door this morning and woke her brother. . I’m a sham mum and at the moment her often terrible moods are make feel quite low. I’m trying to staying patient but firm with her. Where am I going wrong? I think she is missing school as she is a creature of habit but we have some lovely trips planned and we go for lots of exercise and fresh each day . Should I be worried about her behaviour as her aggression worries me. If I ever imply to anyone else about her behaviour they never believe me as no one apart from close family see her behaviour.

Following as my 4 year old is exactly the same. She will get herself wound up into these massive tantrums that last up to an hour.

A lot of it seems to be around an anxiety to leaving the house (which I wonder after the good weather is just pure wanting to sit and do nothing all day!) but it’s the aggression and screaming. So I feel you.

There's a vast difference between an NT tantrum and an autistic meltdown

That's a bit small to read, sorry.
Tantrum vs. Meltdown

Both - screaming, kicking, shouting, stomping, swearing, biting, etc.

Tantrum

A) Driven by a want or goal
B) Usually it's because they want something
C) They check you're paying attention to their behaviour
D) They act this way in front of an audience
E) Once they've got what they want, the behaviour will cease

Meltdown
A) Driven by reaction to something
B) A reaction to overload or feeling overwhelmed
C) They don't care if they get attention or not
D) Their behaviour will continue even without an audience
E) There is no goal. The behavior will only cease once they've calmed down or when a loved one has helped them regain control

That's a really interesting graphic. My DD very rarely tantrummed as a toddler, but reading this what she actually had were meltdowns.

My daughter is very similar. We believe she is on the autistic spectrum, however, it's tough to even get a referral where I live, so we have no diagnosis. There's no harm in trying a few strategies for autism though - since we have accepted that her needs align with those on the autistic spectrum, she has been much more relaxed (notice that I said 'much more', rather than 'very; - she is still a little stress head!). Am absolutely not saying that I think your daughter has autism - just that children have different needs, and sometimes this requires different parenting strategies.

Holidays are difficult - my daughter is explosive towards the end of term, over the holidays, and then at the beginning of term. Any transitions are tough. That goes for little transitions too - like from watching TV, to not watching TV. I give countdowns for everything, and often use a timer. This gives her time to process the upcoming change. I also avoid directions - my daughter is demand avoidant - not to the extreme of PDA, but she definitely struggles with them. So, instead of saying "Please go and get dressed", I will say "When you are dressed, then we can have breakfast." Makes a big difference. And I let the timer be the dictator "When the timer goes off, then you need to get into the bath." I'm not really the one giving the order then. It works well.

I noticed that you also mentioned that you have trips planned - if I have that with my daughter, I need to talk through each step of the plan, so that she knows what to expect. Anything unknown will make her particularly anxious.

Finally, it's also worth keeping an eye out for any triggers. I have had extreme episodes with my daughter before, which, on questioning, have resolved to "You said that this was going to happen, and then it didn't." An episode of behaviour can usually be traced back to a single cause - with her, anyway. Often sensory issues - particularly sound - can be the cause.

As PPs have said, I found "The Explosive Child" helpful. One thing I liked about it, is that it ignores diagnoses, and just focuses on managing behaviour. I've noticed on here that there seems to be a bit of attitude that if behaviour isn't down to some kind of SEN, then it is just bad behaviour, and requires firm discipline. I think that's a little simplistic - many kids have needs that are on the extreme ends of normal. Sorry for the essay - this all may be completely irrelevant, and it could be an early hormonal thing, getting annoyed at the heat, or something that upset her at school! Hope things improve for you all though - I know how tough it can be.