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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I work with an abuser

37 replies

HarryPotterISreal · 31/07/2018 18:52

Work colleague is an abuser

I mentioned in another thread (different screen name) that I work with a man who is/was abusive towards his ex-partner. He said to me that he had had the police called on him when he squeezed her neck. They are both very early twenties and have two young dc. They separated and he was telling me and everyone who was in his path that ‘if another man ever had his dick inside her’ he would go round there with a cleaver and cut it off. Also that ‘he couldn’t be held responsible for his actions’.

I said she’s just had a baby, she’s not thinking about dating. He said she can’t help herself, she’s a whore.

I reported the threats to 101.

He’s not just hateful towards his ex but also downright racist and bizarre.
My work environment is blue collar, male dominated and none of the bosses are going to ‘snitch’ on him to senior management or anything. He does the best work out of us all so will never be reprimanded or let go.

He is so intelligent e.g. if someone says they are going to Greece for holiday, he will say ‘oh today is their national day’ , if someone is having celery he will say ‘ oh celery was banned in Russia in 1873 by Rasputin’ or whatever, and he will be right, if someone says they are going to Torquay, he will know that they refused to drive on the left there till 1903. (I’ve made up these facts but I’m just trying to illustrate his encyclopaedic knowledge.)

When I first started working there I thought he was charming.

I just need to vent here about some of the things he has said, just this past week, plus my responses.

He is Asian himself btw

  • l hate P-ki women, I don’t find them attractive. I will only go out with blondes but they are all whores, it’s their culture
    Me - well you are having sex outside of marriage, some could say that’s immoral. Him:‘Well I’ve never cheated’

  • She’s a bitch and won’t let me see my kids - I gave him the number for a free legal helpline. A week later he has not called them he says.

  • She’s a cold hearted bitch

    • me: if someone had tried to strangle me I would be cold towards them.
  • She’s so stupid, she can’t even tie her shoe laces properly.

  • Me: Well why did you decide to date someone so stupid? That’s a reflection on you.

  • Him: I was probably just horny.

  • she makes me so angry I can’t control myself

  • Me: all adults can control themselves and you manage to control yourself during very stressful work situations.

  • She attacked me! Well then you walk away from the situation.

  • She knows how to push my buttons

  • (oogling a customer) she looks almost as if she were a white girl in a black womans body but without the awful hair and nose.

My dad was violent and abusive - randomly in the middle of work.

(In a fake Chinese accent) - me so horny me love you long time - to the room in general.

I hate blacks! I mean when playing chess ha ha ha!

Since I’ve started answering back he’s not being the cheeky chappie to me so much. I’ve seen him smile then drop the smile, if you know what I mean. I’m not scared because I only interact with him in public.

OP posts:
ShadyLady53 · 31/07/2018 18:57

He sounds dreadful.

However, it doesn’t sound like the most professional of working environments. Instead of answering back etc can’t you just refuse to engage with him regarding anything non work related? I can’t imagine HR being happy with this situation were they to know. Sounds like a toxic work environment to me which, unfortunately, by engaging with him in these conversations you could accidentally be contributing to. I’d be mentioning this to his/you Manager.

HoleyCoMoley · 31/07/2018 18:57

He sounds a complete twat, why do you bother talking to him, just ignore him and report it to your h.r. department if it concerns you.

Rebooting · 31/07/2018 19:02

You know he tried to strangle his partner and yet you gave him a legal helpline number? WTF?

You know that this indicates to him that you’re ok with his behaviour, right?

Why are you engaging with his so much?

MrsTommyBanks · 31/07/2018 19:07

I remember your previous thread.
Why are you still engaging with the scum bag?
I would honestly only engage if it was regarding a work matter that needs to be discussed. Other than that I would walk away and ignore him every time he approached me.
If he got angsty about being ignored I'd tell him I don't waste time on abusive racist cunts.

Maelstrop · 31/07/2018 19:14

Why the fuck are you talking to this tosser? Everything you’ve said is reportable via HR: have you done this yet?

BunsOfAnarchy · 31/07/2018 19:17

The moment he said anything racist id have told him how i view such rancid behaviour and told him id be contacting HR.

Regardless, you must contact HR. Before someone else does and makes you look stupid and tolerant of such disgusting prick.

JamPasty · 31/07/2018 19:21

he probably thinks you're enjoying arguing with him - conversing with him is giving him attention. Report to HR, report anything relevant to the police, and stop talking to him

twattymctwatterson · 31/07/2018 19:23

This is the second thread you've started about this guy. Please don't take this the wrong way but are you attracted to him? If so you really need to put a huge amount of distance between you. He's a scumbag

Notevilstepmother · 31/07/2018 19:27

Do not engage with him, or encourage him. Tell HR you don’t feel comfortable working with him.

ADastardlyThing · 31/07/2018 19:27

The fuck? How is this tool still working there? Hasn't anyone raised a grievance? And Hmm

HarryPotterISreal · 31/07/2018 19:45

I’m not attracted to him. Hmm

He probably does the work of 3 people. Unfortunately they let him get away with murder for this reason. There isn’t really an hr and his behaviour is very well known.

I felt at first by engaging I might help him see the error of his ways...sometimes after a stream of 6 hours of this I snap back.

I gave him the helpline when he was saying shit like ‘I won’t pay maintenance if I can’t see them’. They would make it clear he has a legal duty to pay and also if there was contact they could help organise supervised contact which is safer for the children and the mother. Also that then he could stop telling us.

I think he does not want anything about the situation to change. He just wants sympathy.

OP posts:
HoleyCoMoley · 31/07/2018 19:53

Seriously, just ignore him, he is just looking for attention.

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 31/07/2018 19:56

Stop discussing personal business with him. You are at work. Frankly, stop speaking to him completely. You've also reported him to the police, so o don't think you should engage any further for your own sake.

outofmydepth45 · 31/07/2018 20:00

Why are you giving this scum bag any thought or the time of day?

He will think you fancy him, I do.

PurpleDaisies · 31/07/2018 20:03

Ignore him. That’s the best thing to do here.

You won’t change him. By arguing back you’re just giving him attention.

GruffaloPants · 31/07/2018 21:01

Agree there's no point engaging. However you are well within your rights to tell him his chat is inappropriate. Well done for reporting him. Can't believe people are suggesting you fancy him!

RainSim · 31/07/2018 21:03

He sounds bloody awful.

Could her perhaps have Aspergers?

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 31/07/2018 21:10

What's your AIBU question?

YaLoVeras · 31/07/2018 21:14

Blimey, I think you did something amazing by reporting his threats to the police. Now if she ever goes to the police to report something there'll be a little bit more than he said she said.

He sounds odious

I was in an abusive relationship for 7 years and nobody ever intervened. When I left him, people were DETERMINED to utter cliches such as ''nobody knows the truth'' and ''six of one and half a dozen of the other'' so I think going to the police was a very valuable action to take.

YaLoVeras · 31/07/2018 21:16

Id get so disheartened by all the men around you just shrugging over it.

TO protect yourself, disengage completely. Ignore him, but not so completely that it's pointed. If you need to hand him a stapler say here ya go. But no more.

CSIblonde · 31/07/2018 21:23

He's not clever. Spouting 'fascinating facts' is because he's massively insecure: it's screaming 'look, look, I'm SO clever.' His need to put down his partner is also the same motivation. Not taking responsibility for his actions would indicate he needs anger management. If it was me I'd say so calmly to his face because stuff like this really gets to me & silence is acceptance. Can you canvass opinion of colleagues? If after that you still think reporting to HR is pointless, can you avoid him wherever possible?

FarFrom · 31/07/2018 21:26

Awful. Unfortunately, 'My dad was violent and abusive - randomly in the middle of work' and his feeling of being out of control when angry are things that he deserves 'sympathy' / help for. Doesn't mean you have to give it/ put up with it. But if you want to do good beyond what you have already done- telling police about threats to ex- encouraging him to get help for his own traumatic abusive experiences / and to stop him further repeating it on others would be a very good thing.

Most will likely disagree. But that would be a way to actually help.

wrenika · 31/07/2018 21:27

I'd just turn a blind eye to him. Don't speak to him unless it's work related. He's clearly an eejit. It's not worth your time.

FarFrom · 31/07/2018 21:29

Also poster who wondered about Aspergers will get flamed. But not by me.

CSIblonde · 31/07/2018 21:40

You can always go over management's head if there is no HR on site. There has to be HR somewhere or how do they recruit? Head Office?

I've worked in 2 'blue collar' industries Head Offices (well known Construction Company & well known DIY chain). This wouldn't be tolerated, he'd be in a disciplinary & on a written warning: then out if he carried on. No-one is indispensable. Silence is why racist misogynists like him get away with it.