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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I work with an abuser

37 replies

HarryPotterISreal · 31/07/2018 18:52

Work colleague is an abuser

I mentioned in another thread (different screen name) that I work with a man who is/was abusive towards his ex-partner. He said to me that he had had the police called on him when he squeezed her neck. They are both very early twenties and have two young dc. They separated and he was telling me and everyone who was in his path that ‘if another man ever had his dick inside her’ he would go round there with a cleaver and cut it off. Also that ‘he couldn’t be held responsible for his actions’.

I said she’s just had a baby, she’s not thinking about dating. He said she can’t help herself, she’s a whore.

I reported the threats to 101.

He’s not just hateful towards his ex but also downright racist and bizarre.
My work environment is blue collar, male dominated and none of the bosses are going to ‘snitch’ on him to senior management or anything. He does the best work out of us all so will never be reprimanded or let go.

He is so intelligent e.g. if someone says they are going to Greece for holiday, he will say ‘oh today is their national day’ , if someone is having celery he will say ‘ oh celery was banned in Russia in 1873 by Rasputin’ or whatever, and he will be right, if someone says they are going to Torquay, he will know that they refused to drive on the left there till 1903. (I’ve made up these facts but I’m just trying to illustrate his encyclopaedic knowledge.)

When I first started working there I thought he was charming.

I just need to vent here about some of the things he has said, just this past week, plus my responses.

He is Asian himself btw

  • l hate P-ki women, I don’t find them attractive. I will only go out with blondes but they are all whores, it’s their culture
    Me - well you are having sex outside of marriage, some could say that’s immoral. Him:‘Well I’ve never cheated’

  • She’s a bitch and won’t let me see my kids - I gave him the number for a free legal helpline. A week later he has not called them he says.

  • She’s a cold hearted bitch

    • me: if someone had tried to strangle me I would be cold towards them.
  • She’s so stupid, she can’t even tie her shoe laces properly.

  • Me: Well why did you decide to date someone so stupid? That’s a reflection on you.

  • Him: I was probably just horny.

  • she makes me so angry I can’t control myself

  • Me: all adults can control themselves and you manage to control yourself during very stressful work situations.

  • She attacked me! Well then you walk away from the situation.

  • She knows how to push my buttons

  • (oogling a customer) she looks almost as if she were a white girl in a black womans body but without the awful hair and nose.

My dad was violent and abusive - randomly in the middle of work.

(In a fake Chinese accent) - me so horny me love you long time - to the room in general.

I hate blacks! I mean when playing chess ha ha ha!

Since I’ve started answering back he’s not being the cheeky chappie to me so much. I’ve seen him smile then drop the smile, if you know what I mean. I’m not scared because I only interact with him in public.

OP posts:
Twillow · 31/07/2018 21:44

Can't believe several people have accused you of fancying him Angry.
I don't see that AT ALL.
I actually applaud you for engaging with him as you seem to challenge some of his nonsense. This is probably unusual for him. It's a mainly male environment so he can get away with this crap in general - I actually think this kind of offensive talk is a lot more common than many people realise, even at work, and even the men who do think it's crass will likely pretend to laugh.
Keep drip feeding him challenges to his statements. It may do some good and make him think, can but hope.

SirGawain · 31/07/2018 21:45

If I worked with anyone half a bad as that I'd be looking for another Job!

InfiniteVariety · 31/07/2018 21:50

He is so intelligent

Encyclopaedic knowledge is not the same as intelligence.
He sounds far from intelligent OP. He sounds dangerous and unhinged. Keep away from him.

Notevilstepmother · 31/07/2018 21:51

Aspergers is no excuse for abusive or inappropriate behaviour.

FarFrom · 31/07/2018 21:54

Notevil (I am not for a second saying this young man has asd) but it's a bit weird (wrong) to say that asd is 'no excuse for inappropriate behaviour' given that asd means and is in part diagnosed by not understanding 'appropriate behaviour'.

TatianaLarina · 31/07/2018 21:55

I think posters assume she must fancy him because it’s so bizarre she’s even talking to him.

It’s not your job to rescue this man OP, you’re falling into the same trap as women who stay in abusive relationships. You can’t fix him you just need to stay away from him.

bertielab · 31/07/2018 21:59

HR -document everything, do not engage.
There must be a head office -and if the company don't do anything -I'd go to the police and report the threats and racist comments etc

GabsAlot · 31/07/2018 22:03

if they wont go to senior managment then u have to do it-its not right someone can go round saying these things not get pulled up on it

HarryPotterISreal · 01/08/2018 10:13

Part of the reason I had been answering back was that if people say racist or hateful things and those around them don’t challenge it it is as if they agree with it.

I have just disengaged now.

The creepy thing is that he has now not spoken one word to me when usually it would be a constant stream. It’s as if he just decided to switch off the charm as he could see I wasn’t having it anymore.

Scary.

OP posts:
amusedbush · 01/08/2018 10:26

Could her perhaps have Aspergers?

Aspergers doesn't make you a racist, violent cunt.

fanfan18 · 01/08/2018 10:58

There's a whole section in Lundy Bancrofts book about abusive men just like this.

HarryPotterISreal · 01/08/2018 20:27

Fanfan - is that ‘why does he do that?’.

OP posts:
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