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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About chubby legs

65 replies

Ribrabrob · 31/07/2018 16:29

I was sat next to my boyfriend and he looked down at my legs and said with a smile 'aw look at your chubby legs!'. Immediately I was upset and he was shocked that I was, he quickly explained that he didn't mean it horribly and that he likes my chubby legs. He said he meant it in admiring way.

I'm the first to admit that yes, I do have chubby legs but I'm trying to lose weight and do something about it. The thing is I'm 100% certain he didn't mean it to be offensive, as I say he was upset that I was upset and apologised that he had offended me.

Regardless of this, aibu to be upset he said it? Or am innit over dramatic (probably yes!)? I know I'm chubby but I don't really want to hear it, even when it's meant as a compliment. I think the the thing that makes it harder is that I'm very self conscious and he knows this.

OP posts:

thethoughtfox · 31/07/2018 17:19

It's not believable that anyone without a social / language/ communication issue would think it anything other than an insult to refer to part of an adult as ' chubby' Could this apply to your partner? If not, this is a deliberate insult framed to insult you twice: once for the actual insult and once because you will be made out to look as if you are unreasonable / over sensitive when you react to it. This is insidious.

iago · 31/07/2018 17:19

When I was a student (late 60s), car shares home were the thing to share petrol costs. Once, as I was climbing into the back seat of a Mini belonging to a bloke I didn't know, the other bloke in the back seat said 'Oh, rugby player's knees.' 50 years later, I still remember that comment. I hope young women today don't routinely put up with such crap.

Everyoneiswingingit · 31/07/2018 17:20

My dad once referred to my mum's complexion as ruddy! When he was challenged , it turned out he meant she had a healthy glow!

HappilyHarridan · 31/07/2018 17:20

I think men often don't realise just how sensitive women can be about anything that relates to size and their bodies, because they aren't put under the same pressure and so aren't always switched on to it. I've watched my male friends tease each other about their massive bellies and thought God me and my female friends would never do that! So if he doesn't see chubby as an insult because he hasn't been conditioned to think chubby = bad, then I can understand why he might say it.

81Byerley · 31/07/2018 17:20

I wish I hadn't spent my younger years worrying about my weight, feeling fat because other girls were thinner. I realise now that a lot of that was down to being married to someone who was very shallow, and that he, even if he didn't say the words, made it obvious he preferred very thin girls. (His wife now worries if she gets to nearly 10 stone, and she is about 5'10). I'm married now to someone who likes me how I am, a size 18. When I showed him some photos of my cousin's daughter who was slimmer of the year, he said "What a shame!...she looked lovely before!" My confidence has grown because of him. It sounds as if your boyfriend is like my husband, and you can bet they aren't the only men to like nice normal girls, and by that I don't mean to denigrate beautiful slim women, I mean women whatever their size who are healthy and eat normally.

RoseWhiteTips · 31/07/2018 17:21

Clairenewbie

You’d be a lot less chubby when you get Rid of the useless unthoughtful lump of lard who doesn’t put brain into action before talking, you are with.

Huh? She didn’t say HE was overweight.

QuimReaper · 31/07/2018 17:23

"Plump" used to often be used as a compliment, if you read books from earlier in the twentieth century they often gush over womens' "plump arms" etc. That was before "skinny" became de facto good, of course. I'm not at all surprised that men still admire curves, since they famously did between the dawn of time until about sixty years ago.

"Chubby" was completely tactless though. That's never been a complimentary term.

Iwantaunicorn · 31/07/2018 17:25

Chubby legs on a baby is fine. Chubby legs on a grown woman is not a compliment! YANBU (even if he meant it as a compliment!).

QuimReaper · 31/07/2018 17:25

Everyone that is hilarious

QuimReaper · 31/07/2018 17:26

When I showed him some photos of my cousin's daughter who was slimmer of the year, he said "What a shame!...she looked lovely before!"

Wow. We really can't win, can we.

thisisannc · 31/07/2018 17:28

I don't know how any man who's grown up in the UK with English as their first language could think that 'chubby' would be anything but offensive to the vast majority of women.

I'm not saying he's not being truthful about intending it as a compliment - it's a bit baffling, though.

zen1 · 31/07/2018 17:28

I went to visit my grandmother once wearing a tennis skirt (I was 18 yrs old, 8st and a size 8) and her first words to me were, “My, Zen, haven’t you got fat legs!”. That was 25 years ago and I haven’t worn a short skirt since. In fact, I have hated my legs since and live in jeans.

So, YANBU OP. When people make personal comments about your appearance, it does hit you hard and you can’t unhear them.

LizzieSiddal · 31/07/2018 17:34

My first fiance (note "first") was always commenting on my weight. He once said he wanted to grab my spare tyre. I was under 8st at the time. I ditched him and went on to meet my now dh. One of the things I love about him was he has never once, in 30 years made a comment about my weight/body shape. He has said hundreds of times, how lovely/beautiful he thinks I am.

OP if your partner doesn't make a habit of making such personal comments I would let him off, but only this time.

LeftRightCentre · 31/07/2018 17:42

I don't know how any man who's grown up in the UK with English as their first language could think that 'chubby' would be anything but offensive to the vast majority of women.

This. How long have you been with this guy? There's nothing admiring about that term and you'd have to be totally brainless not to realise this. It's negging.

Holymolynowayimagreeingwiththa · 31/07/2018 17:50

I think chubby legs look good. I don't think he said anything wrong at all. Rightly or wrongly I think of chubby legs as young and skinny legs as old. I prefer chubby. Sounds like he does too. I don't think he should feel particularly bad because you think skinny is ideal. Who is to say which of you has the healthier attitude?

Sandinyourshoes · 31/07/2018 18:03

Some people do have their own meanings for words. They seem to have picked up the wrong meaning somewhere and it's never been corrected. e.g. the difference between "stuffed" and "tucked" - tucked gives a much better impression than stuffed. Possibly he may have meant curvaceous, but it came out wrong. There may be other words used in ways that you aren't familiar with, or substituting one word with another which sounds similar, but has a different meaning, yet still makes sense. There probably is a name for it but if so, I don’t know it. Once you get to know the substitutions it's ok. Unless it's always critical but that gets obvious.

adreamofspring · 31/07/2018 18:05

Given how upset he was that you were upset I'd put it down to not him really thinking and saying the wrong thing. It's up to you whether it's worth putting up with.

My DH never says the right thing EVER. I learned to shrug it off because he's so amazing in every other way. sometimes its heartbreaking that he can't 'read the room'. And sometimes it's just plain funny. When I was crying just after we
found out we were expecting twins he said "don't worry honey, I've looked at the budget and we can afford a zafira"

daisyinatree · 31/07/2018 18:35

@LeftRightCentre

Sorry, but I dumped anyone who made a comment like this. It's boyfriend stage, easy to get rid. Like daisy, I had one like this and I was seriously thin. It's not sweet. It's negging bullshit, especially the not realising it's offensive. Bollocks! The one I had was no oil painting himself, but started by throwing out comments like this. Aw, look at your floppy micropenis! See how sweet and inoffensive he'd find that. Thought not. Anyone who speaks English knows that calling someone chubby is inappropriate.

All this. ^ As you (and several other posters have said) it's negging. As I said earlier ...

Any man who takes a pop at his woman's body shape and size is a rude twat who is trying to make her feel insecure, and deserves dumping if they keep saying it.

'I like your plump thighs' is not a compliment. It's letting you know you are carrying extra weight, and he obviously doesn't like it or he would not comment. (IMO.)

Re what @jaimx86, you are obviously very slim and slender, so in your case I believe he was letting you know he thinks you need to lose weight (even though you are very slim, some men prefer super skinny) OR he was just trying to make you feel like shit. I don't know why.

As I said, I would dump (and HAVE dumped) any man who (after being told it's not on!) continues to call me plump, chubby, or fat, or thinks it's ok, say 'hey little chubster' or 'wobbly bum' or 'hey fatsnack,' as a 'joke.'

As has been said, anyone who speaks the English language, knows it's unacceptable and rude to comment on someone's shape or size or weight. And saying 'awww, I love your chubby arms,' (or plump legs or thick, sturdy thighs, or wobbly bum,) is NOT a compliment. Any man who thinks it's actually OK is a fucking idiot.

As someone said earlier, how would he like it if you said 'awww, you know what I love about you? Your teeny penis! My last boyfriend's was HUGE, and sex was a bit uncomfortable sometimes. I actually prefer your small willy.' Shouldn't be upset should he, as you are complimenting him?!

NotUmbongoUnchained · 31/07/2018 18:43

This is like the time I came downstairs in my beautiful new dress and my husband said I looks frumpy

English isn’t his first language and he had no idea what it meant, he thought it meant beautiful.

Fang2468 · 31/07/2018 18:47

My husband (who was my boyfriend of 4 months at the time) told me I had fat legs, in the same way you described. He says he meant it affectionately.
I have still never forgiven him, and bring it up 25 years on 😂

schnubbins · 31/07/2018 19:11

I have fat(chubby) legs but the rest of me is slim.There is no denying it plus that my ankle is twice the size of normal after breaking it at 22 and is now completely arthritic and immovable due to a joint fusion.I have always hated them but would take chubby functioning legs any day again given the choice.My husband of 24 years never denied anything when I complained about them and always said 'yes but you have got the best boobs to make up for them'.Don't take everything they say so seriously .Speak to him about it and give him the chance to rectify his blunder.Cannot believe people saying to leave him because of this .If he treats you well otherwise just laugh it off .You need humour to get through life and marriage.

LeftRightCentre · 31/07/2018 19:14

Cannot believe people saying to leave him because of this .If he treats you well otherwise just laugh it off .You need humour to get through life and marriage.

He's a boyfriend. You don't have to put up with crap when you're just dating someone. That should be the honeymoon phase when you're both on your best behaviour

Clairenewbie · 31/07/2018 20:13

It’s a metaphor, get rid of the thoughtless boyfriend she no longer has his stupid comments running about rent free in her mind.

CornishFairing · 31/07/2018 20:15

My husband has in the past said I have

Lovely wide hips
An usual crooked nose
A lovely belly

He didn't mean any of it in a mean way, he likes these features (I was a bit miffed though as I hate them).

Guavaf1sh · 31/07/2018 20:32

If accidentally offensive comments always caused relationships to end then there would never be any surviving relationships. It wasn’t meant as an insult. Move on

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