please help me get back to work and leave my marriage

[DeadClic]

Hi,

Long time MN user, I've name changed for this as I'll be giving a lot of details.

I'm a qualified (Aca) accountant w 4 years experience w the Big 4. However, I then took 6 (!!!!!) years of as a SAHM, largely due to a very controlling DH. His control eventually turned violent, financially controlling etc. I finally started taking the advice I got on MN and saw a lawyer, therapist and got together all the documents I need to leave.

I'm not in danger, the violence is usually to humiliate me not hurt me. Sorry to be so cold and mater of fact about it, but I'm honestly completely numb to it by now.

My problem is I really need to get back to work asap to leave. I know he won't pay a penny of maintenance, he's said as much. The culture I'm from, I can pretty much kiss goodbye to family support if I leave. So I need to get myself back to work and I need to understand what childcare will look like.

I have 2 DDs (been speaking to safeguarding officer and school psychologist to make sure they are well), 5 and 3. DD5 is in school. DD3 is in reception 2 mornings a week, will be up to 3 full days in September.

I've still got contacts at my old job but I just don't know how on earth I'll hold down a job at the big 4, with long and unpredictable hours, on my own w 2 kids. Also, how on earth will i afford childcare? What happens if one of the kids is sick or needs me?

DH is a very high earner but won't let me see a penny of his earnings. He's also very charming and clever and I'm sure no one will ever believe me on the DV. I'm very worried that if I can't hold down a decent job and a decent home, he will try and take custody of my kids. His parents are also v wealthy and will support him so he can access the best childcare if he wants.

Sorry, I've tried to give as much detail as I can, if anyone has any advice at all, id really appreciate it

Deloitte Return To Work

Sounds like a horrendous situ at home, hugs. You also sound like an ideal candidate for one of the women return to work schemes that the big companies all run. As you have the qualifications and experience, they would snap you up! Are you able to work in London as they seem to offer the best schemes? Here is a list of some of the schemes, but Morgan Stanley, JP Morgan etc etc all offer them too. I know that Deloitte are also very good with returners: wrpn.womenreturners.com/returnships/
www.morganstanley.com/people-opportunities/return-to-work

There are parenting friendly accountancy jobs. You will be able to afford childcare on a proper professional wage.

There's always freelance too.

Can you gather evidence of the dv somehow? Recordings?

He doesn't get to decide that the children live with him and you get no share of the assets or any maintenance. The courts decide. They see men like him all the time. He's not as powerful as you think.

Are you staying in the family home? Do you know when you and your STBX stop living together?

Can you get an aupair?

Depending on your job, your employer might be able to help or at least advice re childcare. But I think you need a job before you can work out child care.

You are worried about your STBX's expectations to you. How would he take custody of your DC? Have you spoken to your lawyer about this?

Thank you! I have been looking into all the returnships, and I do qualify for a few of them.

I'm just quite worried about managing the hours, as when I worked before DC they were very demanding. I also feel absolutely and utterly useless and rubbish after 6 years of this. I look at ex colleagues and literally can't believe I was ever one of them.

Could you set up business on your own and work around the children's hours? I know it's not ideal at first but there wouldn't be any additional costs involved.

We live in a jointly owned home in London. We are married and my savings before marriage went into the deposit so I think I can at least expect equity but I have no idea if he would let us stay in the house.

I have literal nightmares of even asking him to leave every night

I've been seeing a therapist secretly and she's suggested breaking the process into tiny steps, so I'm focussing on job applications right now.

HollowTalk I have started accounting part time from home. It's been difficult though as I do 100% of childcare, housework, everything, so in worried the earnings won't be enough for me to support DDs or might knee cap me further in the future in terms of progression.

It's definitely an option though. I thought I might try working for a small local firm first to see if I could handle going back to a big firm but I don't know if that would put me at a disadvantage when I apply?

First of all, well done on making the decision. I admire you hugely for taking this courageous step. It is the right thing for you and your kids in the long run.

He can't just decline to pay maintenance - I am not an expert on child support but hopefully your lawyer can advise you on that, or the Child Support Agency can give you guidance: www.gov.uk/child-maintenance

Are you a tax accountant or auditor? I only ask because I get the impression it's easier to plan ahead in tax (?).

In the time you've been off work there have been fairly major steps forward to help working mothers. This has been helped in part by things like mandatory gender pay gap reporting and the Women in Finance charter. I think employers like the big 4 firms are now very alive to the need to provide people with flexible working arrangements. You should find you can negotiate one or two days a week working from home, or a flexible hours contract, so don't worry too much about that. If you are ACA qualified with big 4 experience, you are a desirable hire, even with the career break to look after your kids. There may be other options open to you too - going in-house into a finance team, or working at a smaller more flexible firm. I would have thought the big 4 are the most advanced though - have a look here: www.workingmums.co.uk/top-employers/ I can see PWC have signed up, for example. Perhaps talk to a couple of recruiters and see what they would advise.

Finally, on childcare, where will you be living? Would you have space for an au paire?

I would start telling one or two carefully chosen people about the DV now, before you leave. Make sure there are people who understand your situation and can back you up if you are ever challenged about why you left.

Good luck - you can do it.

Depends on what kind of accountancy position you want it return to.

If you want to go back to auditing that’s pretty intense. I’m a management accountant I work for a company and benefit from flexi working so I can work from home. Also can start early and finish early etc.

Might be worth looking into perhaps?

Also a lot of companies offer working from home a few days a week.

Practically rally around RL support, see if you can get friends to help on a reciprocal basis eg you do morning school runs and they do afternoon ones, find out about after school care near you.

I would tell everyone about the abuse too, you think people won’t believe you but you’ll be surprised by how many do.

How is your Husband planning on preventing you from getting money? If you’re the main carer of your DC you will qualify for CMS, as rubbish as they can be they can get money from him.

Also get legal advice stop listening to your husband. He’ll say anything to frighten you into staying.

www.womenlikeus.org.uk/part-time-jobs/finance-part-time-jobs/

Why not working for a small company not one of the big 4. Pay and conditions aren't as good but much much more flexibility. Does the kid's school do any sort of wrap around care?

OP call women’s aid. They are good at advising practical steps for leaving an abusive partner.

And also right of women who offer free legal advice

I look at ex colleagues and literally can't believe I was ever one of them.
It will come back to you remarkably quickly. Especially once free from STBX

I have no idea if he would let us stay in the house.
It is not his decision. If you can get evidence of DV then you can stay put during the divorce and have him out of the house with a mon-molestation order.

He is not all powerful.

I second the post that said call Womens Aid. They deal with men like him all the time.

Have a look at the Freedom Program, you can do it online.

You've seen a lawyer?

It is really not up to him whether you get any money or get to stay in the house. It will be up to the court to decide.

I think the biggest obstacle you have to overcome is your own confidence. You were good at your job, you will be brilliant when you return. There will be plenty of work opportunities around for you that will pay good money. Look into the childcare options and how many hours you would like to offer and then start looking at jobs accordingly.

It will get easier and start to fall into place.

Well done gathering the courage to plan to leave 🌷 it’s never easy, but it’s even more difficult when your culture is against you too. Stay strong though, you can do it.

Be careful who you trust until you have actually left.

I’m not familiar with the details of the returnships, so I’d check that having a part time/local job first doesn’t put you at a disadvantage, but if it doesn’t then I’d look for a part time, local job to start with.

I would aim to do that for 18 months/2 years until DD2 is settled into school and you are all settled into a new routine and have good childcare in place. Then you’ll be in a much better place to decide about returning to a B4 company.

Unless he’s self employed he will have to pay towards the children.

He doesn’t get to decide about the house or how much money you’ll get. Use your city contacts to get a shit hot divorce lawyer and take the bastard to the cleaners.

You need to stop believing his bullshit and being intimidated by him. The courts have seen wankers like him before and it’s fir them to deal with him him.

There are benefits available, trust in the system, you WILL be ok. Better than ok.

Be safe & strong 🌷

I also wouldn't try and rush into a full time job like the one you left. It's not compatible with doing all the childcare and all the housework and might not be sustainable in the long run. If you start with something part-time, you'll have some money coming in and you can demonstrate to the court that you are willing to get back into work and support yourself financially, but they won't be assessing your financial needs on the basis of a high salary which you might not be able to maintain.

Take a small step back into the world of employment. Get your divorce and financial settlement sorted out. Be there for your kids. And then, once you've done all that, maybe think about going back to a bigger firm / going full-time if you think it's feasible.

Leaving before returning to work may be best. You will then have parameters to work with.

A friend in a similar situation found an au pair a great help, once her youngest DC was old enough.

@Daffodil2018 thank you, it helps to know things have improved in the last few years. I was in audit, and I don't remember it being single parent friendly.

I know I can take him to CMS but he's unlikely to pay, he's a foreign national w in demand skills so he could v easily relocate. He's said to me before that I can't leave as he'll take the house, kids and money. I know he can't, but it sums up his attitude.

@fuzzywuzzy, thanks I hadn't thought of that. I know a few families in the area w the same school run for DD1 so that's a good option to have.

@Loveintokyo, thanks I think PT might be a good start.

If there is a real danger that he will try for main residency of the children, are you sure it is the right time for you to return to work full time in a demanding job with childcare issues?

To everyone who has responded, thank you so much. I spent so much time looking at jobs online but never apply because I think I'll get laughed out of the room, but the responses here have really boosted my confidence.

I'm taking the kids to stay with my parents for a couple of weeks over the summer, I'm going to dedicate that time to job hunting.