please help me get back to work and leave my marriage

[DeadClic]

Hi,

Long time MN user, I've name changed for this as I'll be giving a lot of details.

I'm a qualified (Aca) accountant w 4 years experience w the Big 4. However, I then took 6 (!!!!!) years of as a SAHM, largely due to a very controlling DH. His control eventually turned violent, financially controlling etc. I finally started taking the advice I got on MN and saw a lawyer, therapist and got together all the documents I need to leave.

I'm not in danger, the violence is usually to humiliate me not hurt me. Sorry to be so cold and mater of fact about it, but I'm honestly completely numb to it by now.

My problem is I really need to get back to work asap to leave. I know he won't pay a penny of maintenance, he's said as much. The culture I'm from, I can pretty much kiss goodbye to family support if I leave. So I need to get myself back to work and I need to understand what childcare will look like.

I have 2 DDs (been speaking to safeguarding officer and school psychologist to make sure they are well), 5 and 3. DD5 is in school. DD3 is in reception 2 mornings a week, will be up to 3 full days in September.

I've still got contacts at my old job but I just don't know how on earth I'll hold down a job at the big 4, with long and unpredictable hours, on my own w 2 kids. Also, how on earth will i afford childcare? What happens if one of the kids is sick or needs me?

DH is a very high earner but won't let me see a penny of his earnings. He's also very charming and clever and I'm sure no one will ever believe me on the DV. I'm very worried that if I can't hold down a decent job and a decent home, he will try and take custody of my kids. His parents are also v wealthy and will support him so he can access the best childcare if he wants.

Sorry, I've tried to give as much detail as I can, if anyone has any advice at all, id really appreciate it

PwC have a returners scheme too. Audit might be too much but there are internal roles or risk assurance / tax/ internal audit tend to have less full on hours (busy season doesn’t hit in the same way). Working part time should absolutely be possible - I know women who have made partner when working part time.

@coolhotsummer do you mean he might ask for custody as I'm not the main carer anymore?

If I left before returning to work, could he petition for custody once I started working?

I did see a lawyer and she said the courts would take into account who physically cares for the children. He has literally never cooked for them, fed them, bathed them etc but he is so unbelievably skilled at manipulating people into believing him I'm honestly quite scared to even let it get as far as court.

@comtesse that's amazing to hear. If I returned to the big 4 i would definitely try for internal audit or risk.

You may want to consider moving into industry rather than returning to audit. In industry there is generally less travel and the hours are more static. There is still good demand for accountants. Four years in audit would be a great background for a financial accountant role in a listed entity (not necessarily FTSE100) company as an example. Internal audit is another good route into industry but often requires more travel.

Have you thought about contacting the ICAEW or equivalent organisation to see if they offer refresher courses or similar?

Also, never doubt the skills that you have developed as a SAHM that your colleagues won't have.

How about working as a contractor in house in financial services or a large corporate to get started. You can agree set hours and possibly 3-4 days a week. Relevant in-house experience will be taken into account by one of the bids firms.

big not bids

@agatharaisinscat thank you, I'll look specifically for financial accountant roles and contact the ICAEW

@ChazsBrilliantAttitude
Is that the same as freelancing? That sounds great.

Re the children It is probably a threat but you know him best and have an idea how far he would take it.

Yes you physically care for the children not him but if you are using a lot of childcare then he could complain about that. (Exactly what my exh did even though he didn’t really want to look after them as it would have cramped his style.)

Deadclic - hugs and sympathy. As PP suggest please call Rights of Women - excellent free advice if you are in London think the hours are 11-1 Mon and 2-4pm tues-thurs. The line is very busy but you will get through - call on the dot if you can 0207608 1137. Women’s Aid 0808 2000 247 is also excellent. They can signpost you to local DV support groups who can help you on an ongoing basis.

They will support you to leave in your own time. Have you thought about obtaining a non molestation order and an occupation order? Women’s Aid and ROW excellent on this. You can get a non mol order ex parte without him being forewarned. I just did this - I did it without solicitors - I got it - and he has accepted it and moved out. Courts can also rule who gets kids and probably about money. Please keep a record of everything he has done - send your self text. Have neighbours/family members overheard the abuse? Have you been to the GP? They can help pull together multi agency support to help you and the kids. This might all sound full on. It took me 2 years and was hardest decision ever but I now feel free. You will be ok on job front - employers much more clued up on this kind of issue than they used to be. Have you got savings /could you get a loan short term tide you over?