To ask for help and advice here? I'm at the end of my rope.

[dragonflyflew]

Hi.
I don't have any debt apart from mortgage.
I'm a single mum working two minimum wage jobs.
I was in a well paid job last year where I'd been for fifteen years, lots changed which made it difficult to carry on there.
I was offered an alternative well paid job nearer my home, school hours but was let go in February when they decided they wanted full time staff.
I have disabilities so couldn't do full time hours, hence now doing two jobs and practically working full time anyway.

I'm struggling to find work which pays as well as my old job. Salaries seem to have gone backwards in the last ten years, plus I have messed up my CV by losing my job and doing casual work in the interim.
One of my new jobs has turned out slightly different from the ad inasmuch as there's a lot more evenings/weekends than advertised.
I currently have tribunal bubbling away in background from job I lost so also have that as a stressor.

I receive tax credits but this month because of school holidays my childcare costs are £1200 which I'm going to have to pay from savings.
I have been using savings all summer to pay for boiler etc, there's nothing left after childcare costs and then I feel completely vulnerable!

I'm absolutely exhausted because of my health condition and constant stress and panic about work and keeping our house.
I am completely overwhelmed and can't think straight where money's concerned, my brain is overloaded and I'm not sleeping well. I'm in permanent pain as stress worsens my condition and I seem to have a permanent headache now too.
Sorry this has turned into a whinge. I just really need some help. I can't work out how to budget, how to spend less and how to stop panicking.
I have no family support and feel completely overwhelmed and I don't know how to cope.
I really want some practical help. I know there's lots of people here who have it together so thought I'd give aibu a try!
I've been on MN for ten years just frequent name changes each time I've overshared.
Are there any simple budget apps I can use? I don't have any brain power to create an app.

We tried a lodger but it was a disaster. My kids are small and it really unsettled them.

Are there any wfh online jobs I can do in the evenings which pay well?

I'm in a shared ownership house and the mortgage offers are few and far between.
I don't earn enough to get a mortgage in my own name (ex husband name is still on the mortgage although I'm fully responsible).
I've been to GP ref my stress levels and he recommended CBT which is all we have on offer in our town. I barely have time to make appointments and with no childcare support in the evening CBT is very hard to access. My ex husband works odd hours and is my only support apart from childminder.
Any ideas gratefully received. I feel like I need a fairy godparent to magically put everything together for me as I'm running on empty now!

Hi all, apologies for dearth of replies, am at work.
I am completely aware re situation with ex. Maybe I am a mug but it's all been done/agreed through my solicitor. Exh wouldn't entertain solicitor nor acknowledge divorce so it's all been done around him. I wouldn't have the tax credits if he were paying towards the childcare.
He has offered more this month since I flipped this morning (admittedly not much more) but he also offered to have the kids more this month to avoid fees but childminder gets paid regardless of whether she has them or not otherwise I have to pay back the tax credits.
If I budget better then £1200 in August won't be such a shock ( I still have Easter and Christmas to deal with!)

A couple of people have mentioned au pair. I've never really considered it so will definitely look into this as an option. I'm not sure where I'd stand with housing benefit if I had live in help though.
It's so much juggling when you have to start using benefits.
I'll give some more information re income etc later on .
Thanks so much for all your input.

Are you actually smoking CRACK
are you just deliberately ignoring advice. Maintenance doesn’t affect any benefits

If you are a receiving parent (parent with care, 2003 scheme) and get any social security benefits, you will be able to keep all child maintenance paid as it does not affect any of the benefits you claim. It will also not affect any housing benefit or tax credits awards you receive.

Go to
www.nidirect.gov.uk/articles/how-does-child-maintenance-affect-benefits

It sounds like you’re just shit scared of stirring with your ex, so unless you did something like shag his brother and father I really don’t know why you are avoiding the glaringly obvious solution to ALL of your current financial problems.

Or hey, get a third job picking fruit, let your ex have the children at weekends so you can bar work and then you’ll be AOK

eightfaces you're being a bit rude!

She didn't say maintenance affected her tax credits. She said:

childminder gets paid regardless of whether she has them or not otherwise I have to pay back the tax credits

Presumably as her working tax credits are based on the childcare fees. It's hard to arrange reliable childcare around someone else's shift patterns - I can see why she has a childminder on retainer, can you?

It's one thing to try to be helpful to someone but even if they're annoying you with their responses, you could try to be kind. OP has said repeatedly they are overwhelmed and struggling.

I have read back - I see you are trying to help eight. Still think you could be a bit less... aggressive about it, though!

I agree that splitting the childcare costs 50-50 or making the days fixed would eliminate a big source of financial stress.

Apologies OP if these are things you've already thought about or tried but here goes:

• share care with a friend, you look after their child/children on a day of the week that they work, then they return the favour
• I've just started using Vinted to sell old clothes and it's actually really good for both adults and kids clothes
• eBay for old things no longer needed (toys are ace) and you could have a go at handmaking wedding invites/thank you cards and selling them too?

Not much help I'm afraid but things will get better xx

are you in an area that needs space for foreign students? In my vaguely touristy town you can make a lot of money offering a bed to visiting students all year round and the money is very good.

I apologise for seeming rude.
I just cannot believe that this woman is on her knees and her ex just takes the kids when he fancies as long as the hours add up so he can do fuck all else and not have to pay anything, and to get an extra few quid she has to lose her shit!! How’s that healthy

I see a lot of shit on here. And this makes me angrier than most, mainly because the op seems utterly clueless to her rights.

But I stand by what I’ve said. She can work herself into the ground or fight for actual equality, 50/50 means equality not someone else screwing you over.

Selling things on eBay isn’t going to solve a huge ongoing problem. Because this isn’t just one summer. This is ongoing.

Maybe she could take in some laundry, perhaps that’s a better solution that actually sorting your life out.

And FYI
If you have a mesher order, when your oldest is 18 you will be forced to sell the house. And god I really hope you have one. Because he could force you to sell tomorrow if not.

I'm not smoking crack although it might explain my poor decisions...

I'm just trying to deal with the bits I can deal with. I appreciate your vehemence on my behalf and I'm sorry that I appear to be allowing myself to be mugged off but I can't change that situation. I have tried and tried and involved a solicitor and it's been a losing battle. I have to make the best of what I have and this is what I'm asking for help with.
I haven't shagged anybody else, brother, father, mother etc but I do possibly have misplaced sense of guilt for breaking up the family because of my own selfish needs and maybe I make too many allowances but he does (mostly) step up when i need him to.
He had to declare all his income/outgoings/ assets etc as part of the divorce and the circumstances were deemed legally acceptable then so I can't see what has changed and tbh I don't have the strength to fight this nearly decade long battle with him about his shifts and the financial inequality.
I'm grateful that the kids have a dad who's interactive and supportive of them. Due to my disabilities and mental health issues he provides a lot more stability, quality of life, structure , holidays and routine than I ever can so I will suck up the inequality for the free time I have without them and the fact I got to keep our beautiful home that up until now I could easily afford.
The deal ref our respective 'assets' is watertight. I paid the house deposit, and a fair share of the mortgage respective of our salary difference.
he has a huge pension coming to him , we have no claim on either person's future finances. He's purely named on the mortgage in order for me to keep the house.
I've done all the selling I can be arsed to. I've sold shitloads and ended up giving away a lot to charity etc just to get it gone as it can be a real pain listing stuff and posting it, dealing with no-shows, missing parcels etc. I made about a grand.
I've also done multi level marketing and selling home made crafts but it's too draining physically and I don't want constant customer interaction.
I'd prefer to sit at home in the evenings and do paid admin instead of scrolling through social media and mumsnetting!
I will try to set up yolt app properly later today.

Sorry no response to everyone individually am multitasking abilities

Some of you need to chill the fuck out. Meanwhile back in the real world, not the fantasy world where some of you live, the OP knows her Ex better than we do and sometimes pragmatism is the best way. My Ex doesn't pay maintenance, I know he should but pursuing him would mean a hell of a lot of blowback and I'd probably spend more money supporting my mh than I could get out of him.

The OP is the resident parent and unfortunately we usually have the higher financial burden.

I Airbnb my spare room. It’s worked out fantastically. I pick & choose when to have guests, they sometimes use the family kitchen/lounge but I’ve set up room with bed, seating, TV, kettle etc so mostly they stay in their room when not out sightseeing. It’s perfect & not too intrusive. I’ve also done the foreign student thing, very good money for 1-2 weeks so again could pick and choose.

AgentJohnson thank you, the voice of reason and experience!
I really appreciate everyone's ire and supportive helpful comments but I also appreciate feedback from someone who understands too.
I have spoken to the childminder as the figure is so high and asked for clarification, she's overcharged by one week as she's on holiday and exh is going to pay one week too so that brings it down to a much more manageable figure.
He's also volunteered to look into alternative childcare arrangements for the future as I'm so overwhelmed by everything my thinking becomes cloudy. I use my best brain at work!
I've considered air BnB and at the risk of sounding like I keep putting up barriers, I know myself, my condition and capabilities very well:
Air BnB would require a degree of physical input which I just can't manage, ie fresh bedding/making beds for each new visitor. It sounds small but I rarely change mine or my children's bedding because I physically can't manage to do it: the bending down and pulling sheets across, lifting duvets etc. I know it's laughable to the able bodied and sounds disgusting to people but it's another choose your battle scenario.
At least with a lodger there's (ideally) a degree of longevity and they're mostly self sufficient!
Once im mentally ready and the house is sorted I'm going to do offers of short (eg week long/ weekends and longer term lets including mon-fri but no food and completely self sufficient so not air bnb, probably spare room.com if anyone has any experience of that?
Will also consider au pair but I think I could get more from rental and give up a day at work (that's one of my two jobs).
Thank you everyone for ideas, I'll mull it all over.

I've also found someone to rent my garage!

I’m sure people know their exes well.
And if the op said he paid nothing and had fucked off, I would actually be less angry for her.
But for some reason he’s watching her struggle. Do MLM sell all her stuff. Have 2 jobs. Pay all childcare.

But he helps out, so I guess that’s ok!!

Anyway. I shan’t ever bother to give advice to women being totally fucked by their exes.

To come on here and beg for advice when you’re physically and mentally on the edge is a big thing. I live in the real world, and I see women get fucked over endlessly. Whilst many men play Disney dad.

I would agree about picking your battles, grey rock, etc etc etc if it was all rosey.

But she’s fucked. Really fucked. And no amount of MLM or getting an au pair will help that. And in the end, when she’s worn to the bone and her ex has taken the kids on the 10th holiday because he can afford it and she can’t. Because he pays £200 per month for his kids, and she’s totally martyred herself, I imagine her kids might potentially think their dad does and helps so much more and might start to resent their mother - in RL I HAVE seen it happen. Not my fantasy world. Actual real life

This is brilliant dragon. The bed changing makes perfect sense to me, I hate doing it and am not disabled, my mum can't do it all all. Hope this all means you can keep the cleaner longterm - maybe even afford an extra 30 mins for her to change the beds and put laundry on...

Thank you annandale
I feel a lot calmer now. Have had a chat with exh and my boss which has helped me to offload a bit and gain some support from both camps, not enough but some.
My head is killing.
I'm freaking out about the upcoming tribunal as I am not really feeling resilient at the mo and I think everything has got on top of me.

Yes I'm going through a legal process at the moment and I'm afraid to say it's been even worse than I feared. Have you got anyone to go with you?

Actually if your head is bad, have some (more) painkillers and go to bed early...

I currently have a Sun-Thurs let through spareroom too. Didn’t mention as thought the others were more short term. I do have to change bedding each week though as well as clean the room & bathroom, however you could pay a cleaner to do so & pay it out the money made?

I think foreign students would be good, it’s decent money so enough to pay a cleaner for 2 hours to turn room round & not make a big dent in your earnings.

Feel free to ask any questions.

If you ex is still on the mortgage I would check if he still has any claim on the house, now or in the future. You may be paying for everything, but if his name is still on it, he may still claim in future. Can you look into full financial separation ?

Sorry late and scant response, I broke my phone and can't afford the excess on contract phone. Needed one immediately so bought in lunch break. The cheapest smartphone, it's like something from the 90s, ergo, very hard to use. Should definitely help with my phone addiction
#firstworldproblems

Op you are supposed to average the childcare over the year, and then save the extra you get during term time.

MyDcAreMarvel I know. This is one of the reasons I came on asking for help.
I can’t work out how to budget. My fibromyalgia causes brain fog as well as my medications and chronic pain from joints means my head isn’t screwed on well.
I lost my job earlier this year and my mental and physical health deteriorated quite rapidly whilst actively job searching and living off savings.
I had to buy a new boiler and having never been on such a low income and under extreme pressure I took my eye off the budgeting ball.
I’ve never been rich, but always been good with money, grew up in abject poverty and because of this and my cognitive problems I’ve made sure never have credit, pay everything direct debit so it can’t go awry
I’m very rarely overdrawn so this new way of living has completely thrown me and I’ve buried my head in the sand of depression and anxiety.
I wrote up thread that Childminder had charged me incorrectly anyway so it’s not as alarming as first thought, ex is going to help out this month and we have had a talk about his hours. He can’t change them but he’s currently open to discussions about what he can do outside of the constraints of his rota.
Wrt to the house, the terms are very clearly in my favour, the onus is on me to release him from being named on the mortgage, I’m supposed to make regular attempts so I regularly meet lenders who always tell me the same thing ‘computer says no’.

OP have been reading your thread and just want to say hope things improve soon, you have a lot on your plate. You say there is a tribunal, is that happening soon, must be very stressful. Will there be any financial compensation at the end? Sounds like you have thought of lots of ways to make and save money. Best wishes

Dragon sorry I think it’s hard to get tone in text . I meant I didn’t know if tax credits had told you that you could average it out, rather than accusing you of not being organised.

I also have fibro- plus arthritis and a rare condition that has left me almost wheelchair bound. I understand the brain fog and joint pain etc.

To budget I have a bank account with lots of linked accounts do it’s like an online envelope system.

I also use an app called “ spending” its free all it is is like an online notebook of money in and money spent.

We aren’t struggling financially but we have seven children so need to budget.

Paleshelter thank you for your kind words. I lost my job in February. Tribunal has been bubbling away since then. It's beyond stressful. No Idea of court date yet ex employers have been given extra time apparently. ..hopefully some financial compensation but who know? They're slippery fuckerz!

MyDcAreMarvel thanks for your response. I did understand. Sorry to hear you have debilitating conditions too, it makes everything so much harder doesn't it?
Seven kids tho!
I'd love to hear more about your online envelope banking system.

I broke my phone and now have a shitty one with very little storage u is shockingly slow so not sure an app Will work for now it It'd be the easiest thing for me!