To ask for help and advice here? I'm at the end of my rope.

[dragonflyflew]

Hi.
I don't have any debt apart from mortgage.
I'm a single mum working two minimum wage jobs.
I was in a well paid job last year where I'd been for fifteen years, lots changed which made it difficult to carry on there.
I was offered an alternative well paid job nearer my home, school hours but was let go in February when they decided they wanted full time staff.
I have disabilities so couldn't do full time hours, hence now doing two jobs and practically working full time anyway.

I'm struggling to find work which pays as well as my old job. Salaries seem to have gone backwards in the last ten years, plus I have messed up my CV by losing my job and doing casual work in the interim.
One of my new jobs has turned out slightly different from the ad inasmuch as there's a lot more evenings/weekends than advertised.
I currently have tribunal bubbling away in background from job I lost so also have that as a stressor.

I receive tax credits but this month because of school holidays my childcare costs are £1200 which I'm going to have to pay from savings.
I have been using savings all summer to pay for boiler etc, there's nothing left after childcare costs and then I feel completely vulnerable!

I'm absolutely exhausted because of my health condition and constant stress and panic about work and keeping our house.
I am completely overwhelmed and can't think straight where money's concerned, my brain is overloaded and I'm not sleeping well. I'm in permanent pain as stress worsens my condition and I seem to have a permanent headache now too.
Sorry this has turned into a whinge. I just really need some help. I can't work out how to budget, how to spend less and how to stop panicking.
I have no family support and feel completely overwhelmed and I don't know how to cope.
I really want some practical help. I know there's lots of people here who have it together so thought I'd give aibu a try!
I've been on MN for ten years just frequent name changes each time I've overshared.
Are there any simple budget apps I can use? I don't have any brain power to create an app.

We tried a lodger but it was a disaster. My kids are small and it really unsettled them.

Are there any wfh online jobs I can do in the evenings which pay well?

I'm in a shared ownership house and the mortgage offers are few and far between.
I don't earn enough to get a mortgage in my own name (ex husband name is still on the mortgage although I'm fully responsible).
I've been to GP ref my stress levels and he recommended CBT which is all we have on offer in our town. I barely have time to make appointments and with no childcare support in the evening CBT is very hard to access. My ex husband works odd hours and is my only support apart from childminder.
Any ideas gratefully received. I feel like I need a fairy godparent to magically put everything together for me as I'm running on empty now!

He is giving maintenance. I'm pretty sure this is done right. I will check though.

He’s got the kids 50-50 but he doesn’t have the kids 50-50
That doesn’t make sense

He's got the kids 50/50.
He doesn't pay childcare 50/50.
He does pay maintenance which is not very much but he doesn't have to pay anything due to having the kids 50/50.

My advice would be to try the lodger again. My mum did this when we were in crisis when I was little (I bunked in with her to free up a room). Yes it was weird at first but we got used to it. I still remember a couple of the lodgers with fondness. It really is the eadiest way to magic up a chunk of money.

But op. Does he have the kids 50/50
I mean actually have them half of the week every week? Even if he’s working or not?

eightfacesofthemoon it is irregular but works out 50/50 over the month. Eg one week he'll have them for five days, the next week for one day, sometimes half a day every couple of days, it is never the same. A logistical nightmare which I find very stressful.

It sounds like you are doing really well to keep on top of things and I’m not sure if you feel your GPs suggestion on CBT is of any use? But you mention the difficulties of making appointments and I wondered if online CBT is offered in your area? I found it worked well for me to get over some of my ‘mental blocks’.

The appointments were real time by instant messenger and I did them in the evening after the kids had gone to bed. Might just be worth considering and asking if you can be referred by your GP?

I agree ref lodger. Our household is not cut out for extra people but we have the space.

OP who sets these irregular hours? If your ex does this to fit around his work commitments then surely he should be contributing to child care costs too??

If u claim tax credits then do u claim for the childcare element of it. They pay some of the childcare costs.

So your ex has this all suited to himself so he doesn’t have to pay proper maintenance?????

He says to you, look I am doing 50/50 LITERALLY. But in reality he’s not. He’s just having them when he can. Can you do that??? No!!!! You have to have them when he can’t. Which is FINE in a marriage, but this isn’t a marriage.

50/50 means a structured routine, so if it’s a Tuesday and he has to work, he has to sort out childcare for that Tuesday, not just say to you. Oh I can’t have the kids on Tuesday, but I’ll make up my kid hours next week when I am not working!!!

Can you see how that is FUCKING your life up??

What’s with this, I don’t want to rock the boat thing with him? Is if guilt because he moved out and rents?

Also why is he still on the mortgage and you’re paying it? Do you have a written agreement that when you sell he won’t just get a straight half?

Have you been to a solicitor and worked out your entitlement etc?

If your house is big enough for a lodger why haven’t you and ex sold it and both moved on and got smaller places each? Genuine question not being snarky.

I really think you haven’t thought properly about the situation with your ex at all.

It's all agreed as part of the divorce settlement. Neither of us has claim to any of each other's assets.
I can't sell as can't get a mortgage alone due to my poor income so may as well keep the family home , I've afforded it so far. I have a unique insight into private lettings, both through work and from my own childhood and will do anything to avoid it.
I don't want to use my equity to pay a private landlord
I'd rather pay a mortgage, I only have twelve years left.
I'm held to random by his shifts yes but always have been. I can't force him to change. He changed it for a while when I could pay solicitor to force him to use his annual leave for childcare but that was before the kids started school.
I see how fucked the situation is but I can't change it.
That's his job, I'm at peace with it now, u choose my battles.
He manages to rent a beautiful house for our kids to share and gives me time away from them to breathe. It's not ideal but having recently been thrown into the job market I see how hard it would be for him to start again.
That's not what I came here for, I just want practical ideas for me and my work and my household and my budget. Please As I'm struggling.

I’m sorry but I am being practical and you’re being a mug. Quite frankly.
Ok. So you stay in the house because you want to and that’s ok. Let’s leave that.

The 50/50 childcare is bollocks for you. You stayed at the beginning of this that you had to pay 1200 for childcare and you were left with nothing afterwards, so saying that’s a none issue is really rubbish.

This is the most serious issue in your life currently. You are not asking your ex to leave his job. You can ask him to either have them on set days and to sort his own childcare, or to at least split the childcare costs with you.

At the moment he is only seeing his children when he is not working- which is all very lovely, but it means he avoids paying any childcare

Don’t you see that?? Don’t you get that this is your main problem. This problem won’t change if you get your dream job and can afford to keep the cleaner.

All of the burden for childcare cost is on you currently.

So you could start to try and deal with that, it might not be fun. It might be difficult. It might rock the boat.

Or you could have a fucking mental breakdown from all the stress and overload you are dealing with instead.

And I didn’t mean mug in a shitty way. I am seriously angry on your behalf that you are basically being shat on from a great height by your ex and you can’t even see it!!

When we first split I was on a higher income so mortgage was not an issue , could have sold then but didn't need to so by time I came to look at remortgage the law had changed to exclude tax credits from income for mortgage purposes.

I’m not going to bang on about this. Because I really don’t think you want to listen. So I’ll stop after this!

But if I were you I would go and do a quick calculation to see how much child maintenance you would get if it wasn’t 50/50

Maybe that might help you to see how unfair your arrangement is. I’m not saying go down that route, but I am pretty sure that your ex knows EXACTLY what’s he’s doing to you. And your naive if you think otherwise.

You need to sort out childcare

If your ex is doing 50:50, that needs to be regular times of the week, so you can get a job.

That means if he ends up working those times he has DD, HE pays childcare

You are only in this situation because you are letting him walk all over you.

I can sort of see what eightfacesofthemoon is saying. Your ex is taking the kids when he isn't working so avoids childcare costs, but you don't seem to have the same option so you're stuck with the childcare costs which is taking a big hit on your finances. Whereas if it was a set routine with the kids, he'd be responsible for childcare on his days and you on yours. If the £200 he gives you is towards childcare costs normally, he needs to increase his share of it during school holidays.

I don't have much practical advice OP, just another one coming to make you a brew

How old are the children? Could they help out with any simple household chores ? (like hanging washing etc)
Definitely agree about seeking some further advice about recouping childcare costs, that's not 50/50, that's him fitting them in slightly when he can and you taking the hit because that's what we do.
Only extra 'home' jobs I can think off require more time, which you simply don't have. Ebaying, surveys, etc.
I'd certainly have a hat with your old boss too, he can only say no.

OP - to try and get back to the point of your thread - can you give us your monthly income or outgoings and let us see if we can help with the budget?

I hear you we have been working 7 days a week atm just to get by. Life is hard.

Do you have a good internet connection? Try teaching online the pay isn’t great but 10 hours a week would get you £400 + a month.

Just a thought - you have a spare room and some regular childcare would help you with your job hunting. Have you looked into getting an au pair? You might need to be a bit creative and find someone who is happy to be flexible but it could help!

Some good suggestions already- let your old boss know you would consider a move back, get a different lodger (and make a self-contained bedsit if you can't stand sharing kitchen then just bathroom is shared), get your ex to commit to regular days.

Hope it all works out for you.

My friend was in your situation and an au pair absolutely saved her.
Her DC were 4 and 6 when her ex just upped and left with no warning.
She was working full time and desperately needed to keep her job.
She had several au pairs until her DC were well into secondary school.
They have done really well, got degrees and good jobs etc.

I would Listen to eightface.