To ask that the first week after birth is just the three of us?

[Jessiejuju]

OK so due to have my first baby in three weeks and me and dp agreed that for the first week after leaving the hospital we would like it to be just the three of us told his mum and even though she was slightly upset at first said that she didn't mind waiting if that's what we would like and most of my family have said the same. Going to be in hospital for at least 24h after and have said they can visit there just not once we get home. My mother has turned round and said that I'm being stupid and that everyone is going to want to visit. Now I know she is right and do feel a bit bad asking people to wait but it's gonna take a bit of time to get settled and just don't want relatives popping in all the time (which they would). AIBU to ask this of my family when they just want to be there for my ds?

You are not being unreasonable as it's your choice / you know your family. Personally I liked having visitors but mine would make me tea and not stay too long. It made me feel less isolated. My mum was great for calming me about daft things with dc1 and my sisters good for holding a baby while I showered etc with my younger dc my brothers were great with the older ones as they are both big kids still. So if you are sure it's what you want ok - but for me visitors were lovely (and of course it's nice that you have folks who want to see your baby / are excited for you - even if you choose to delay them a little).

I think there's boundaries and boundaries. Yours seems excessive to me, but everyone's different I guess. If you're worried everyone will be popping in, you could just say 'only parents'. I can see why your DM is sad, but it's not really her place to go on about it either. Tell her you will send pics for her to what's app relatives etc.

By only parents, I mean only your parents and your ILs.

I know this may seem exessive but as much as I love my family I know that they are very excitable and if I'm not strict especially with dm she will be around constantly as it's her first gc and she lives like two streets away. And yes wouldn't be too bad if they would help out or just stay for an hour or too but unfortunately that's not the case me and my dm don't always get on the best and I feel like instead of reassuring me she would only make make me feel like I'm doing everything wrong. Tbh if she did come round I probably would let her in. I'm more upset that she doesn't really expect my wishes. And have told her she can visit in hospital so it's not like she won't get to see him.

Sorry respect not expect.

Yanbu. Your mother had the chance to do it her way, now you have the chance to do it yours. The fact that the family were happier with her decision because it gave them what they wanted doesn't make her way "right." Especially if doing it your way will reduce your stress during a very sensitive time.

Tbh, anyone who told me I was "being stupid" about how I chose to bond with my new baby when I was three weeks away from giving birth wouldn't be visiting the first week either. I wouldn't put up with the stress of it until I'd recovered, personally. And that's from someone who encouraged both my DM and MIL to hold my baby the instant I was allowed visitors after the birth (the entire family, both sides, was in the waiting room the entire day). Yanbu.

You are not being unreasonable at all. My little one is 10 weeks old and I did the same as you. We had visitors while in hospital but told our friends and family that we wanted the first week at home to just be the three of us. We explained to everyone that we wanted to spend the first few days alone to get to know each other. I'm so glad we did, so I would advise others to do the same. Friends and family will have plenty of time to meet your little one, but those first few days will only happen once, so make the most of them.

Not unreasonable. I said the same 3 months ago, yes it's different to how other people did it but tough! As it happened I felt ok for visitors after 3 days, but setting that initial boundary has really helped stop constant "popping in".
Although if your mum is 2 streets away I do wonder if she will "happen" to walk past frequently....

Thank you. Really needed to hear this. Got a bit upset thinking that I might be BU. I think at the end of the day she will get over it. Like I said I have told her she can visit while I'm in hospital so she will get to meet him as well as anyone else who wants to visit. Just don't want all the stress when we get home and dp will be on pat leave so think between the two of us we will manage ok getting settled.

If she is the type of mother who offers no support to a daughter who has just had a baby then I wouldn't give a crap what she thinks. Tell DH not to open the door.

You are right to want it however you wish however grandparents will be so excited and will want to be involved too. So I do think yabu, You could just have a no visitors ban in the first week and you have a day where you visit them. That way you have control of how long and when while keeping the family happy (remember these are your future babysitters lol )

This is your child. There is no expectation that you have to allow guests at any given time.

Lock the doors and don't answer them or the phone if you're not up to company.

There was almost the same thread a few days ago. And a counter thread here, which was an eye opener for the op, who didn’t understand why people wouldn’t want anyone to visit.

The only caveat to your plan is that 1) you may be dying to show off your newborn. 2) you may appreciate some help. Before dd was born I made it very clear my mother would not be anywhere near the delivery suite. Especially with her husband, lovely as he was but she married him when I was an adult. I told her I’d call her when I was ready for her to come up. She didn’t understand but I needed time to get over the birth. As was I asked her to come up 2 days later.

Therefore I think a better plan is to say you will contact the family when ready.

I think a week is to long, give yourself a couple of days and see how you feel.

It’s your baby and you can do what you want; others can do what they want with their babies.
We had a similar plan as DH found with his eldest DD people were constantly coming round and he wasn’t getting much time to cuddle and bond with her during his precious 2 weeks of paternity leave

I’d tell people a week then if you feel like having people over there earlier you can invite them

I said this but was so excited to introduce the baby to everyone that we had visitors the next day. Just go with how you feel at the time

This question comes up on here so often I raised or with DH yesterday, add in what is his preference. His view was whatever you want depends on how you feel. My view is unless it is a particularly traumatic birth parents on both sides, brother, SIL and DN welcome at the hospital (just let me have a shower), anyone else wait until we get home. When I explained to him some people want a week or two weeks with no visitors he looked at me warily, like 'i think that's absurd but I won't fight you on it', luckily I'm more the more sociable of the two of us anyway and that long without other adult contact would kill me. OP won't you want to share some of that time with your close friends and family? You'll be with baby 24/7

It may be easier to have visitors when your dp is there. I found my dp could make the cups of tea and then shoo them out the door if need be. I could also disappear to breastfeed upstairs if I wanted or needed to without leaving everyone downstairs.
A few days together is lovely but I would just say I have only ever heard of this on mumsnet not on real life so maybe be aware that locking yourself, dp and new baby away for weeks without seeing anyone not as commonplace as mumsnet would have you believe

There’s a massive thread about this currently.......

I can't help thinking this is a new trend of no one seeing the baby for the first week.

My children are now in their early 20's and I had visitors every day and looked forward to seeing them. You have no idea what your birth will be like and i think in reality you are isolating yourselves at a time you could do with support.

Could you ask them to visit in the afternoon and give them a set time.

I would be miffed if my daughter said not to visit.

Having a babymoon isn't a new trend, people, like Janet Balaskas were writing about it from the 1960s/70s onwards, and the importance of cocooning like that has been pretty integral to the active birth movement.

If you don't feel like visitors, then for heavens sake don't have them. But make that decision in the full knowledge of the impact it will have on those affected. Can you find a middle way?

You may be so happy you'll want to show off your new baby

I’d have been horribly bored if i hadn’t seen anyone or gone out for a week. Do you normally spend a lot of time sitting around the house just the two of you?

Yanbu.
It's lovely that they want to visit. But it doesn't take priority over your recovery and time with your new baby.