To ask that the first week after birth is just the three of us?

[Jessiejuju]

OK so due to have my first baby in three weeks and me and dp agreed that for the first week after leaving the hospital we would like it to be just the three of us told his mum and even though she was slightly upset at first said that she didn't mind waiting if that's what we would like and most of my family have said the same. Going to be in hospital for at least 24h after and have said they can visit there just not once we get home. My mother has turned round and said that I'm being stupid and that everyone is going to want to visit. Now I know she is right and do feel a bit bad asking people to wait but it's gonna take a bit of time to get settled and just don't want relatives popping in all the time (which they would). AIBU to ask this of my family when they just want to be there for my ds?

There have been lots of threads about this recently, it's obviously becoming more common!

It's up to you, you can decide what's best for you. And I totally understand why some people want this as they have totally toxic families who take advantage and behave badly. You know what's best for you and your baby.

That said, I think you do have to be prepared for how upset people will be. You can't ask them not to be terribly hurt and upset - they're entitled to their feelings. They shouldn't make you feel bad about it or complain as that's not fair, but you should be aware that the consequence of your decision will be to upset others. And that's ok! You get to decide what consequences you're happy to accept, and if you have a difficult family who will take advantage YANBU to want to control that.

I couldn't have got through the first week without the support of friends and family. Dh and I knew nothing about babies. It was great to have family round to reassure is we were doing it right, show me how to change a nappy, dress her, bath her. One lot of friends turned up with a load of meals for us, another took charge of our cat, so we didn't have to worry about feeding it, playing with it etc. No way would i have coped with just the three of us!

I loved having visitors - and had a difficult first birth and bed rest after the second. My mum moved in both times to help with cooking etc and looking after me/baby. Also had both our siblings, other relatives and friends drop in - never for long. This is a new family member for them too!

I wouldn't class my own mum as a 'visitor'. She wouldn't be expecting a cup of tea or any hospitality. She'd arrive and get stuck into doing the washing up or cooking or holding the baby while I went for a shower. She'll be arriving the day I give birth and I'll be glad of it as neither her or my stepdad will expect anything - they're here to help!

I think the real issue is having family members who you feel like you have to entertain as opposed to family members who will come over and actually offer support and help out. If your mum is the former, then I can understand why you wouldn't necessarily want her there in those early days.

See how you feel when dc arrives but just to put things into perspective, people are very excited when a new baby arrives. You may want to show your baby off as other pps mention.

Also you may like a hand from visitors and you may also appreciate other people's perspectives. My best friend's mum brought me a meal to reheat and also made a big fuss (as she always does) dm never makes a fuss/compliments me or ds on anything but friend's mum does which did my confidence the world of good tbh - I remember her commenting that ds turned his head when he heard my voice from the kitchen whilst he was having a cuddle in the living room. He was less than a week old at the time & I was chuffed to bits that he recognised it was me. Without her I never would've known that.

If the issue is you think other people will take over, be clear you just want visitors for short periods and make sure you and dh are on the same page with what's acceptable & what's not/when it's time for visitors to go home.

When my dsis had her second one she pretty much did this and excluded us all for months - we saw her older ds every week but she kept herself & dn to herself. She really struggled from what I can tell but she kept us away so we couldn't really help or offer a more rounded perspective which I still think would have helped her (we wouldn't have shoved advice down her throat but it would've helped her to see there is more than one way to approach things imo. She spent a lot of energy trying to do things "her" way but dn was never really on that page as far as I could tell.

Also creating perfect conditions for a newborn to sleep etc is such a lovely thing to do but be careful you don't set dc or you up for a fall later when they can only sleep in those perfect conditions. Having a granny around who hoovers around a sleeping baby can actually be really useful.

At the end of the day it's really your choice and good luck with your new baby op hope all goes well xx

Op..keep open mind on this. Yes a day or two but a week is a long time and you really want to show the baby off. It depends on alot of things including how the delivery goes. I banned everyone till the day after i came home. Pil arrived for two hours only to take us out to lunch at the easier place we suggested. My dm and df and sis and bil the day after. It worked well. But everyone if different. Got a friends whos had a baby at the weekend and waiting for her to let me know when i can come. Shes been talking on whatsapp and sending new baby photos so cant wait!!!!!

See how you go Op. Go home and settle in with baby, if you feel like you need that time with just your partner then that's fine but you might feel up to certain people visiting for half an hour or so which is also fine.

Don't stress about it now though.

I understand that people are obviously going to be upset. If it was my gc I probably would and I'm not saying it will definitely be a week but if I said give us a day and I will see how I feel then my mother mould get much more upset if she asked and I kept saying I wasn't ready this way we can invite people round if we change our mind. Dp doesn't really mind to much he is being supportive though as he also doesn't want to feel like he spent all his pat leave with other people bonding and holding his child as he work long days and also knows how certain members of my family can sometimes stress me out.

You may feel different after the birth. I'd have got cabin fever if I'd gone into purdah. Like a pp said, both my husband and I were completely clueless about babies and it was lovely having the support of my mum and friends who were already mothers in the early days.

My daughter and her husband live in a different country from us. When she was expecting, I was all geared up to camp at the airport and be ready to jump on a plane as soon as labour was established and be able to cuddle the new baby. However, they told us that they wanted to have the first 2 or 3 weeks by themselves as a new family. I hadn't really come across this before as an actual "thing" and felt a bit sad but, do you know what, I said "that's absolutely fine, just let us know when we can arrange to visit" WTAF is wrong with all these grandparents who expect to barge in where they are clearly not wanted? Don't feel bad, just let them manage their own expectations. And good luck with the new baby.

Did whatever feels right for you. I couldn't wait to show my baby off and was really excited about my friends and family coming round. However I appreciate not everyone's the same. You may feel differently when the baby's born though.

On MN there seems to be this impression that you'll be sat in your pjs for the first few weeks doing nothing but feeding. And that may be true for some people, but lots of people feel fine and are out and about after a day or so.

I usually suggest that new parents just say they'll let people know when they're ready for company - and also to advise people that if they phone constantly asking if they're ready, there will be a delay as the phone calls will keep them from getting the rest they need.