Can't move on from physically/verbally abusive ex

[confusedmummy76]

Just as it says. Can't move on. Don't know what to do. Apart not whenever I see him I feel sick. I want him but I don't want the abuse. And I know he can't be trusted. Please talk some sense into me. I'm an almost 40 year old semi professional single mother at the end of my tether. Thanks for reading

Apart but when I see him that should say* and by that I mean in the passing. Not in a romantic manner

I'm in the same position as you OP - my relationship ended just a few days ago. We are grieving a false reality, the kindness and the affection that reeled us in and kept us coming back for more. It wasn't real. We both know what would happen if we went back.

I'm so sad that you are also feeling this way, but glad I'm not alone. This has been over a year. He phoned periodically and reels me back in for Sex. I'm taking a stance now. Thankfully he is none of my three kids dad. However, we live relatively near each other and even passing him in the car my heart drops. Don't know how to get past this x

I would end up back in the hospital if I went back

Hi OP, if you can get counselling to help you get over the abuse. You really can't do this alone after years of abuse you can be left suffering from ptsd!

Oh I miss the sex and the intimacy so much too, and it hurts like hell to think about that. Remember how they hurt us though? That's not love. We can do better. We HAVE to do better because our children are watching us and I never want to be having this conversation with my little girl when she's old enough to be in a relationship. We can do it, we really can. But I understand, I really do. It's a gut wrenching pain.

Red...I think that would help me as we were together for four years. How do I go about getting help? I'm willing to try anything at this stage x

@roominthesky you are talking my mind! I pray it would be different and the love he preaches is real. But it's not. I know it's not. But it still breaks my heart. And the thought of him being with someone else kills me, even though I wouldn't wish the way he treated me on my worst enemy! What's wrong with me ?

Maybe I should have posted this in relationship

I hear you @confusedmummy76 PM me if you want to talk

Give yourself credit for ending this. You used your head, which is hard to do when you still love someone. You have acted with your head but it takes a while for the heart to catch up.
Each time you remember something nice you experienced with him, force yourself to think of something horrible he did. Keep a balance of what he is really like.
Carry on like this and you will truly see the light about his nasty character.

Thankyou so much for your replies.

Can I Pm from my phone?

Yes, click on the speech bubbles

Really feel like calling him today

It's not letting me click on the speech bubbles unfortunately

Omg I just passed him in the street. I'm in bits. I love him so much I wish so much that things could have been different I will never get over him. If I didn't have children I would take him back. This is so hard. I'm sitting here in tears.

That must have knocked the wind out of your sails to see him.
But you are wishing for something that didn't exist.
If you tell yourself that you will never get over him, you are telling yourself you aren't worth very much. You are worth so much more.
He doesn't feel the same, he's moved on and he will be fine. Why pine over someone who can't pine over you?
Strive to be happy - you and your kids deserve it.

You are focusing on the good parts of him and your relationship: you are missing what you hoped he would be, rather than what he is. I got out of an abusive relationship but there was nothing physically pulling me back: by the end I found him repugnant. So I only had the emotional ties to break. It must be so much harder for you, but you have already done so much by breaking free. You don't want this man in your or your DC's lives: show them that you are worth more, and in turn that they are worth more. My DF was emotionally abusive to my DM at times: not only did she stay silent and just 'take it', she also encouraged me to do the same when he started doing it to me. 'Just stay quiet, apologise, try and not let it make you upset' … so I learned to be a doormat in order to keep the peace and appease a bully. It has taken me over 30 years to stand up for myself. Please stay strong x

Thankyou ladies, you are so correct. He hasn't crossed my mind for days and now this has completely thrown me. I feel shaken and unsettled. And all the hurt is back. My daughter was even asking what was wrong. It's not fair.

PP you are totally correct he doesn't give a damn about me. He only wanted me when it suited him because I stupidly allowed him back now and again. Only fully put a stop to that 8 Months ago. I will see him around in the future even passing him in the car rips my heart out. I don't know how to stop that from happening or at the least now allow it to ruin a full day for me emotionally.

A part of me feels he really was the love of my life and if he wasn't violent or possessive we would have been so happy. I feel like I will never feel like that about anyone else and I have tried to move on. I sound so pathetic.

Have you heard of the Freedom Programme? It's run by Women's Aid and is a discussion group for women who have experienced domestic abuse in any form. There is someone from Women's Aid who runs the class, worksheets and some homework. It is very well worth doing and I think you would benefit from it. It is an opportunity to speak freely about your experiences and to learn what other women have been through too and how we can support each other and ensure that we don't get into another abusive relationship as we know what to look out for and hopefully have become confident enough to express ourselves and hopefully gained enough self worth that we know to walkaway from situations which put us in danger.

Let's say you never ever feel this way about a man again. So what? Is being nuts about a guy the only thing there is?
What about the joy in your kids, travel, friends, socialising, your home.
You place too much importance on the thrill he gave you. It's not love, it's addiction. An addiction you are trying to break and you will do it one day.
You are not psychic so you don't know if you'll feel this way again. Let's say you do meet someone who is lovely and gives you the fanny gallops again. That will be the cherry on the cake of the wonderful life you are building - without this nasty bastard.

I once felt like you. Now he repulses me - i got there in the end.

How did you get over him?

How can I teach myself not to get so upset when I happen to see him in passing and stop that horrible sad feeling in my stomach?

Freedom Programme. Google. Can even do it online though better if you have support of others.

Will give you something to focus on other than him. Will help you understand why you are where you are. Most importantly will help you in the wonderful future you will have. One you wouldn't have with him. And sadly I mean that literally.

Yes as Msp says, the freedom programme opened my eyes.

I second The Freedom Program.

Also counselling and CBT. Its possible to get emotions confused, the horrible sick feeling is the result of being groomed, its not love.