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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not go back to playgroup?

42 replies

Peakypush · 30/07/2018 22:11

I went to a mother and toddler group today. I've never been before and usually avoid these things like the plague, but we live in the middle of nowhere and I've recently been feeling guilty about that. So I thought I should make more effort to bring my toddler to places where there's other children - lest she become as antisocial and introverted as myself!

Anyway, lots of people there, noisy boisterous children - what you would expect. Some of the mums were lovely and made a big effort to include newbies like myself but there was this one particular woman who I thought was quite rude but I don't know if I'm being unreasonable...

My DD (almost 2) was a little shy at first, she stayed beside me watching the other children and then tentatively joined in. She was playing with a toy kitchen when another little girl came over, slapped her across the face and pushed her aside so she fell on the floor. DD was quite upset, I had the baby in my arms so didn't pick DD up but knelt beside her and gave her a cuddle and when she calmed down (a minute later) I directed her to another spot where she could play. I didn't make a big deal out of it as I know toddlers hit and I'm sure in the not too distant future my DD will most likely be doing the same to her sister etc. I just went back to my seat to join back in the conversation when a woman who I think was the mother of the other child (but I'm not certain) addressed me.

Her: "you're doing her no favours you know"

Me: "pardon?"

Her: "they need to learn how to fight their own corner. How do you expect her to get on in life if you run to every whimper"

Me: "well...uh...she's never been hit before so I think she got a bit of a shock..."

Her: big sigh "for god sake, stay at home mothers always spoil their kids. You're setting her up for failure you know"

I just blushed and said no more after that, I'm not one for confrontation. I've been feeling shit about it since for some reason and wanted to know if people think she has a point?

I should mention I don't keep DD wrapped in cotton wool, she has cousins her own age who she sees regularly and is around other children at soft play etc. - it's just chance that none of them have hit her before.

I just feel disheartened that I finally worked up the courage to go to one of these groups and now I feel like I never want to go back Blush

Was she rude - or am I being over sensitive?

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 30/07/2018 22:12

she was rude and out of order

FASH84 · 30/07/2018 22:13

Was it her child who hit your daughter? The woman sounds vile

sonjadog · 30/07/2018 22:13

She was rude but if you enjoyed the experience apart from this one woman, why would you not go back? Don't give a stranger such power over your life that one comment will stop you doing what you want.

Popc0rn · 30/07/2018 22:17

What a bitch. Don't let her put you off going back!

BillywilliamV · 30/07/2018 22:17

Dont let silly cows like that spoil things for you and your kids. Once you get toknow the other Mums youll probably find they all hatr her. And next time tell her you'll parent your own child your own way, thank you!

toriatoriatoria · 30/07/2018 22:19

Don't let her get to you. I'd guess it was her child who hit yours?

Maelstrop · 30/07/2018 22:20

She sounds like a loon. You need some ready answers eg ‘Why don’t you fuck off and teach your kid not to hit other kids?’ but then I’m hugely arsey.

Cherrysherbet · 30/07/2018 22:23

She sounds awful. You did what most loving parents would do...you comforted your child when she was upset. It's not ok for children to hit each other in the face. If this was her child she should be ashamed that she didn't tell her child they were wrong. Jeez.
This woman sounds completely nuts.

Don't let this put you off. Go back next time knowing it's her problem, not yours. If she says anything again, just ignore....it will make her look like the stupid arse that she is.

Cornettoninja · 30/07/2018 22:24

Well she was a massive dickhead wasn’t she? She’s taken that theory to extremes - her poor children will clearly know that she can’t be relied on as a source of comfort. How dare she make anyone ashamed for not following her GI Jane parenting style.

Go back if you got anything at all positive from it, don’t let one twat put you off but if you didn’t really click with anyone and don’t think your dd got much from it sack it off.

Are there any structured classes around? They tend to attract people who give a shit about how their kids behave and encourage interaction with them.

Helpmemyhairisterrible · 30/07/2018 22:24

I go to a fabulous one and there's someone like that. Think there's one at every group. Took me over a year to get up the guts to go and now it's a saviour for us. I wish I'd gone sooner.

The woman actively ignores me. I've made a point of only interacting with her if spoken to. That's fine. I don't like her much either. DD loves going and I've made some nice acquaintances. I'm not giving that up for anyone and neither should you.

Can't win 'em all, OP.

SabineUndine · 30/07/2018 22:24

She’s weird. You can bet she spoke to you because everyone else avoids her like the plague and you being new didn’t know to.

RubaDubMum89 · 30/07/2018 22:24

Unfortunately you bumped into someone who was horrible. She was certainly rude. Comforting your toddler for a moment after they've been hit by another child is absolutely the correct thing to do and I think, if it was indeed that woman's child who hit your DD, then she's going to end up raising a bully.

Did nobody appear to scold the hitter?

I'd say go again and just ignore the twattish woman, don't be ignorant, if she says hello, greet her and move swiftly on. Don't let her ruin it for you, or for your DD.

Alternatively, is there another toddler group you could take DD to?

Original poster
Peakypush · 30/07/2018 22:26

I think it was her DD but I'm not 100%. It was really busy and I think I saw the little girl beside her at the start but I wasn't paying too much attention then and we left shortly after it happened. I know I shouldn't let one comment deter me and I'm not usually so pathetic (I swear!) but I've just struggled with motherhood a bit and find it very daunting going to places alone with two small children and it's knocked my already fragile confidence I suppose

OP posts:
Cherrysherbet · 30/07/2018 22:26

Just to add...well done for going along to a group. They can be a mine field, and you plucked up the courage to go.

iveburntthetoast · 30/07/2018 22:27

YANBU. Definitely very, very rude!

BackforGood · 30/07/2018 22:29

She sounds a bit socially odd, but YwouldBU to not go back because of her.
You've said that several of the Mum's were lovely, so you'd be daft to not go back again.

Mmer · 30/07/2018 22:29

She sounds horrible. I would go back a few more times before deciding. I'm sure the other mothers avoid her.

Redinthefacegirl · 30/07/2018 22:30

How does teaching your kids that being hit/ hitting others is normal help them? That's not how normal people interact. She sound horrible.

Or does she mean that comforting your 2 year old is too soft. FFS! Her poor daughter.

Please don't let her put you off!

Original poster
Peakypush · 30/07/2018 22:34

RubaDubMum89 no nobody said anything to the other little girl. This is the only playgroup around, any others are too far away from where we live unfortunately.

I would prefer structured classes but the only other option where we live is baby swim class. I took DD before and she loved it but my DPs work shifts have changed since so I can't take her anymore as there's no one to watch the baby.

OP posts:
Duskqueen · 30/07/2018 22:35

Honestly keep going, it is the only way to get you confidence back. She was way out of order and if it was her DD that slapped yours, I bet she would have been the first to speak up if your DD had hit her back. If she makes a comment like that again say she is 2 for fucks sake. My DD is 4 and if she falls and cries I go to her, she can still stick up for herself and is very bossy, so it hasn't done her any harm.

Original poster
Peakypush · 30/07/2018 22:38

Thank you Cherrysherbet it only took me two years Grin I think I'm going to have to give it another go for DDs sake at least, as despite the slap she did seem to enjoy it

OP posts:
Kool4katz · 30/07/2018 22:56

I used to run a village based baby & toddler group and most of the parents (and grandparents) who attend these events are generally lovely and keen to forge supportive relationships but there's sometimes the odd person who is awkward and possibly a bit unpleasant.
But they exist in all walks of life!
You did well to attend your first session and it sounds like your DD might enjoy playing with the other non violent children, so don't let one numpty parent put you off.

zzzzz · 30/07/2018 22:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumsastudent · 30/07/2018 22:59

the woman's an ignorant arrogant idiot- Next time say "I don't agree, teaching children to fight wont help them in the classroom, giving them support when they are bullied teaches them that they are loved, and that makes children and people strong enough to ignore and avoid others bad behaviour" and smile. & next time approach the organisers & ask what their policy is if a child hits another child?

SundayGirls · 30/07/2018 23:01

She doesn't have a point in the scenario you describe. Of course your DD needed comforting and you did the right thing. Her comment might have had a shred of relevancy if your DD was 12 or 15 or something...

The only thing I can think of in a positive way is that she was clumsily trying to make conversation but is socially awkward so just opened her mouth and that's what came out.

Other than that, she's just an opinionated resident big mouth who is commenting on something that's none of her business. Also having a dig at stay at home mums. How did she know you were a stay at home mum? If you have a baby then you could have been a SAH or WOH mum on maternity. Or you work part time.

Either way, it doesn't matter. Go again and ignore and/or avoid her, but if she says something similar again I'd be tempted to tell her that you feel sorry for toddlers who have nobody to care if they get hit or not.