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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Family drama over pregnancy announcement

39 replies

Elderflower78 · 30/07/2018 20:43

I'm 29 been with dp for 8 years and we own our house. Found out I was pregnant last week, we are over the moon. So happy.
I told my sister a couple of days after finding out, she was happy.
We broke the news to our parents yesterday and my mother's response was oh fuck I'm moving then....followed by just kidding. She then sat there with a face like fizz until we left.
Today has been and gone and no text or nothing to say she's happy or asking how I am or anything.
I text her to ask if she wants to do something this week and she responds by saying she's so hurt I told my sister first and saying how awful I have treated her considering all she does for us and our true feelings towards her has been shown.

She now has now took to ignoring me completely after explaining to her that I wanted to wait and tell her and dad face to face.
I am sick of her drama and making everything about her. She will sulk and ignore me until I apologise even though I feel like I haven't done anything wrong. My sister and I are very close and I find her a lot easier to talk to than my mum.
Aibu to think she is being totally childish and has just ruined what should be one of the happiest times in my life?

OP posts:

Emma765 · 30/07/2018 20:45

Dont apologise to her. She sounds like a dick. Sorry she's put a cloud over your happy news. Congratulations.

cochineal7 · 30/07/2018 20:48

Congratulations! Of course YANBU. And this doesn’t bode well for the future.

SpoonBlender · 30/07/2018 20:48

She is being totally childish. Don't let her ruin what should be one of the happiest times in your life.

What's with her "Oh fuck I'm moving" response - dodging any chance of being helpful with childcare? She's tarred herself and can fuck off.

I'd suggest ignoring her. How's your dad?

SpoonBlender · 30/07/2018 20:48

And congratulations of course! Whoops, sorry :)

Bobbiepin · 30/07/2018 20:49

Ignore her until she grows up. You only need one baby. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

comedycentral · 30/07/2018 20:49

It sounds like she is jealous of the relationship you have with ypur sister. Let her sulk. Don't apologise.

Bluelady · 30/07/2018 20:50

She sounds dreadful. You wouldn't be able to get the grin off my face if I heard I was about to become a granny.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/07/2018 20:51

Bloody hell she sounds like a hormonal teenager. Fancy making your lovely news all about her?

You've done nothing wrong OP.
Congratulations!

Original poster

Elderflower78 · 30/07/2018 20:52

I was upset about the comment about moving too. Even if it was a joke, as a first response it's shit.
That's the reason I told my sister first, I knew somewhere down the line there would be a snippy comment from her.

My dad seemed quite happy, he's a man of few words but he always goes along with what mum wants or says....of course anything said otherwise would result in an argument.
She also kicked the dog three times infront of the whole family when he got under her feet after us telling them. Hugely embarrassing and uncalled for. Everything is a drama, shouting, kicking off and I'm sick of it.

OP posts:

cinders15 · 30/07/2018 20:53

I hate to say this, but just try to ignore her or behave as normal - do not react
When I was having a miscarriage we didn't phone that night as we promised - unsurprisingly
When we did explain afterwards, my mums face was deadpan and she couldn't get us out of the door fast enough
She and DF didn't speak or get in touch for weeks , even though they were within walking distance
It came to Christmas and I managed to speak to my dad on the phone (normally mum would answer and Hangup) but he said he had to live with her - he was broken though
Eventually I found out that she hated me as I had miscarried her first grandchild
From then we kept mum at a distance - I was more of a daddy's girl anyway and kept a warm relationship with my dad until he died

Ruby09 · 30/07/2018 20:53

My own mum didn’t react very well when I told her I was pregnant either. She said “fuck off” and I was like erm I’m sorry what! Then the first thing she asked was who else had I told, I wasn’t going to lie to her and it was unfortunate that she was working til 11pm and I hadn’t realised that so told in laws, younger sister, and my grandparents before telling her. Only realised she wasn’t answering the phone was my younger sister told me she was at work til so late by then I’d kinda made me way round telling the other people important to me. My mum is a very selfish woman who only thinks about herself and up to now 18w I’ve had a rough pregnancy and she still hasn’t once asked how I am.
Yanbu at all! You’ll soon learn to ignore the drama, I’ve decided I no longer have time for it now and have other priorities.
I also have a jealous SIL who’s being a total arse about the pregnancy and honestly trying to ruin this happy time for me, have told her to either get on board or not it’s up to her but it will be her missing out not the baby because I’m the only person ever going to give her nieces/nephews where as my baby will have other aunts so won’t miss out.
People show their true colours when you announce a pregnancy, it’s a shame it’s been your mum though :( if you haven’t done anything wrong please don’t apologise!
Congratulations too ❤️ It’s such a happy time with lots of emotions try to enjoy it x

BootsMagoots · 30/07/2018 20:55

Congratulations. Her reaction shows exactly what a person she is so try and distance yourself now. You and the baby don't need the stress x

rudeycrudey · 30/07/2018 20:57

Don't apologise to her. You've done nothing wrong. She needs to realise the news was yours to give and who finds out first isn't the be all and end all.
Ignore her, she'll come crawling back eventually.

wafflyversatile · 30/07/2018 21:01

It's ok to feel upset that your dd told her ds first. It's not ok to behave how she has.

Sounds like this is what she is like. Now you are starting your own family it is especially important to have strong boundaries and stick to them.

If it helps remember that you actually have the power here even if you feel its her who has it.
You will have a gc she will want contact with and you are the gatekeeper. You are the one with control.

Laiste · 30/07/2018 21:04

Lower your expectations of her now (to rock bottom) to avoid future disappointment. I can tell you now she's going to be a nightmare when the baby comes so you need to learn the 'keep at arm's reach' approach and sadly accept that you don't have a mum who's your friend.

Original poster

Elderflower78 · 30/07/2018 21:04

Ruby your story sounds very similar. You sound strong and assertive in yourself.

I'm meant to be on holiday tomorrow and now I have this crap hanging over me. I can't believe she's that selfish and childish to do this to me. She's so wrapped up in herself and bothered about everyone's opinions of her.
And then if I don't visit her I will be the selfish one keeping dc away from her and I will be the bad one again. I'm fucking fuming now but if I say anything it will escalate into a massive fall out and I don't have the energy for it.

OP posts:

FishingIsNotASport · 30/07/2018 21:06

Congratulations on your pregnancy . What a vile woman your mother is. So she said 'Oh fuck, I'm moving' before she even knew you had broken the news to your sister first? She is what she is, all you can do is lower your expectations, keep her at arms length and enjoy your new baby with those who love and support you.

mineisarossini · 30/07/2018 21:08

Well it is all about her of course

Arrange your own childcare/help/ back up she is not going to be doting loving granny we all hope for (and many of us don't have) but thats okay because having a baby is the most wonderful thing, and you really won't give a damn once she or he is here! Hold at arms length and refuse to engage, instead celebrate with those that are happy for you and always spend time with them going forward.

Congratulations!

SandyY2K · 30/07/2018 21:09

Congratulations!

Ignore your mum. I told my sister first too.

Cantusethatname · 30/07/2018 21:11

Kicked the dog?
What kind of person kicks a dog?

Mishappening · 30/07/2018 21:13

Oh dear - who'd have families?

Please do not let anyone spoil your joy - ignore this nonsense.

I have 3 DDs, all of whom have children. I have no idea whether they told each of their sisters before they told us and frankly I do not care! They love and support each other and I would not be a bit surprised if they had told a sister first. How silly your Mum is being. I so hope that this nonsense does not continue in some way when the baby arrives. Maybe you and your OH need to prepare yourselves for that and decide how you might handle this - set your boundaries now!

Some women do find it hard to no longer be the "hub" of their family. We just have to get on with it and move on and find another happy role for ourselves.

Huge congratulations on your lovely news!

AnoukSpirit · 30/07/2018 21:17

Have you had a look at the "but we took you to stately homes" thread? You might find it helpful.

petrolpump28 · 30/07/2018 21:22

blimey i thought my mother was awful.

lulu12345 · 30/07/2018 21:25

My mother was massively put out when she discovered that we'd told MIL first during my first pregnancy, and not told either of them until we'd had first scan. I was utterly shocked. Never really had a close relationship with her and wasn't expecting that but clearly it was massively important to her.

Tbh it drove a massive wedge between us.. She was melodramatic and "poor me" for my whole pregnancy, getting all upset that I'd not allow her to see her grandchild.. I'd never suggested anything of the sort but certainly by the end of 9 months I was ready to. In the end up when I had the baby, all the attention went onto him and she was fine.

Second pregnancy I barely communicated with her at all and it was much better for me not having to deal with her OTT emotions and stress... but then it transpired that she's been bottling it up the whole time and a week after I had he second baby she exploded with an outburst and walked out and didn't see us again for 3 months. After some time to cool off, she seems fine again and everything is back to normal on the face of t, although I don't think I can ever forgive her from putting me through such stress at an already bloody stressful time in my life.

In my mother's case I think she just has waaaay too much time on her hands to overthink things like this, and she tends towards a "poor me" / victim complex anyway. In combination she leapt to the conclusion that I was treating her poorly and the relationship was doomed and it was all a complete disaster.

Loonoon · 30/07/2018 21:26

My mums reaction to me telling her I was pregnant (at age 30, married with a good career and lovely house) was ‘I’m not being called Granny and don’t think you can use me for baby-sitting services’. It had little emotional impact on me as she was a shit, narcissistic sitic mum and I expected it.

When DC1 was born she did a complete volte-face and I think your mum might be the same. She turned up in the labour ward to send my DH away so she could support me - luckily I was off my head on pethidine so was sufficiently uninhibited to grip on to DH with all my strength and tell her to go away. Once the baby was home she was constantly pressing us to go out so she could baby-sit. I am not ashamed to say I took full advantage of that - I felt she owed me and in fairness to her she was a much nicer granny than she was a mum. But I kept a close eye on things and tried to keep boundaries.

The crowning moment of her completely unselfaware grannyzilla-hood
came when DCs were aged 7,4 and 1 and DH was being headhunted by a company on the other side of the Atlantic. He wasn’t interested so it was all a bit pie in the sky but I mentioned it to her in conversation
saying I wasn’t sure how it could be worked out with schools etc. ‘Oh,
that’s easy’ she said ‘they can stay here with me while you go off with DH’. She was genuinely surprised when I looked at her in horrror and said ‘I would never, ever leave my children’ because in her world it’s all about her.

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