AIBU to not go on this holiday?

[HeyThoughIWalk]

SIL and her DH & DCs are currently on holiday in Turkey. They FaceTimed last night and said they're having a fabulous time, weather has been brilliant, really hot etc. They've been to this hotel/resort quite a few times before - normally go every couple of years.

Then she said she'd had a great idea... as it's her 40th birthday next year, why don't we ALL go to Turkey for it (her actual birthday is in term time, so she just means this time next year). By "all" she means all the siblings and their partners & children, and PILs (and a random aunt who always tags along to these things!).

Apparently she's already spoken to the others and they all love the idea (DH has since spoken to them and confirmed this).

The problem is, I really don't want to go, for several reasons:

1. It's not my kind of holiday at all. I don't enjoy sitting by the pool or on a beach all day every day, which is what they (DH's family) do. I know from previous short breaks we've done with them, they expect everyone to do everything together, so DH wouldn't want to go off and leave them for us to do something else. I wouldn't feel safe wandering off on my own. The ILs like to lie by the pool, go for lunch and dinner at the same restaurant every day at the same time etc. I like to explore.

2. It's too hot. I don't cope well with heat; I'd likely end up spending a lot of time indoors.

3. I don't think the kids would enjoy it. DS (will be 4 by then) doesn't like swimming - DH is convinced he would love it if he had 2 weeks of doing nothing else; I'm not so sure. He's also a fairly picky eater, so getting food into him would be hard work. DD would probably be ok (she'll only be 2, so would probably be happy anywhere), but again she's not keen on hot weather - in fact, in the recent heatwave it reached about 27 degrees here, and they were both wilted and whiney for the duration.

4. The cost. We only really get to go on a "big" holiday every other year, so this would be our holiday for the next 2 years, really. I've looked into whether we could go for a week with them and then a week elsewhere, but the flights are the expensive bit and it's just going to cost too much to add another one in.

5. I don't really get on with my ILs in large amounts. I'm ok for a couple of days, but then I just get irritated by them (the constant in-jokes, banter, "hilarious" stories of past holidays etc).

So, am I unreasonable to say no, I don't think we should do this? DH would go if it was just up to him (although I don't think he's thought through what happens if the kids get hot and whiney - usually his solution is to hand them to me), but also doesn't mind too much either way. He sees all his family at least once a week anyway, so it's not as if it's their only chance to be together.

I feel a bit guilty because I know DH would like to go, but I just don't want to spend loads of money and a big chunk of my annual leave on a holiday that I don't really want to go on, with people whose company I don't especially enjoy, particularly as we then wouldn't have another holiday for a couple more years.

If it isn't your sort of holiday and you wouldn't enjoy it, just say no.

Saying yes to family isn't compulsory!

Two weeks?? No way!

Don't do it - you've said there would be more repercussions if you do go but do it differently, than if you don't go.

But one day, do go to Istanbul. Not with toddlers though.

Really, just don't go. It's fine to say you don't fancy it, and because you only get to do a holiday every other year and with limited annual leave, it's just a bit too expensive/too much.

No person in their right mind would be upset that you don't want to spend 2x years holiday budget going somewhere you don't want.

Just make it clear that you are so happy that she gets to go and you hope she has a lovely time. Don't get into a discussion about where and when you could do it instead!

I would look at a five night Istanbul break but if this is still a stretch then arrange a very special lovely birthday dinner for her and invite the family but just gently tell them that it is way too hot for the children (they are very young fortunately) and it IS absolutely boiling in July trust me.

You hope they have a great time and you will celebrate with her and the family on their return. Perhaps theme the dinner with a turkish theme and don't go.

You are adults and if you don't like family holidays then you are entitled to say it isn't for you, 40th or not.

If dh isn't fussed either way just say "no, we won't be coming."
Don't beat yourself up about it. Sod spending your hard earned cash on a 2 week holiday from hell, or compromising and having a 1 week holiday from hell. I bet once you say you're not going I bet other family will decide it's maybe not their cup of tea either.

You need to say no!

Unless DH wants to take the DC on his own and you stay behind.

I wouldn’t be interested in any of that, you’d be going to make other people happy; fuck that.

You're overthinking this.
Your SIL is on holiday, having a great time, "oh let's all go next year".

You don't fancy it / can't afford it.

just don't go ! Don't give a hundred reasons, just a "it's too hot for us" will do. And if pressed "and too expensive".

End of.

My idea of absolute hell OP.

Just a polite "oh what a lovely idea but after this heatwave we've realised how unhappy our DCs are in hot weather. It wouldn't be remotely fun for any of us but we must arrange to celebrate your birthday together in some other way"

It's fine to say you don't fancy it, and because you only get to do a holiday every other year and with limited annual leave, it's just a bit too expensive/too much.

I think so. Just say it nicely and it'll be fine. You'd love to celebrate her birthday, but it isn't really the holiday you'd want. Bonkers to go if it's something you'd hate (and it wouldn't appeal to me either!)

God, going around mob-handed (with people you're not especially fond of to boot) all the time on a holiday is my idea of hell.

We holiday with friends/family regularly and it works well because we are NOT all joined at the hip; if couples or family units want to go off and do their own thing, or just have 'time out' outside the main pack then it's absolutely fine great, in fact. Some of us might hit the pool while others shop, do culture or go for long walks -- it's all good. We might not eat together every night either. Nobody minds.
To insist on everyone doing the same thing all the time is incredibly controlling. And sure as shit, some people are going to be unhappy with others' choice of meals or with the forced activities.
Don't do it, OP you have more than enough reasons why it won't work for you. Holidays are precious find something you'll all enjoy.

YANBU Turkey in July will be hideously hot. I would hate a family holiday that basically just meant sitting by the pool all day. Just say no

Ugg, I would pay to not go on this holiday. Why should Sil decide everyone has to go on a holiday of her choice, unless she's willing to pay for everyone? Holidays are expensive, time is precious, everyone has their own ideas what makes a good holiday - do what YOU want to do. Over the years we've been away with friends and family. On the whole it's been enjoyable but, with one exception, we have always said we would have enjoyed it more on our own. The one time it was brilliant was a 4 night break with a group of 26 for our 25th wedding anniversary. 4 nights in an old rectory on the south coast was just long enough, and we stressed everyone could do their own thing, which they did - oh and we paid!

If you won't be tied into school holidays next year, it would be insanity to go on holiday during the holidays just because other relatives have school aged children. This will be your last chance for several years to have a holiday during termtime. Tell them what a shame, you've already booked and that you therefore can't afford to go with them later.

Too hot is enough to decline

This is a perfect response:

Just a polite "oh what a lovely idea but after this heatwave we've realised how unhappy our DCs are in hot weather. It wouldn't be remotely fun for any of us but we must arrange to celebrate your birthday together in some other way"

Absolutely not.

Don't do it - you've said there would be more repercussions if you do go but do it differently, than if you don't go.

Also,forced into school holiday peak period before you need to be? Nope- sil will surely remember back when they could do that.

However a separate goal for whatever holiday you do take is your dh should be able to have the kids. Wtf kind of holiday (or life) is it anyway if your dh can’t manage both children on his own so you are responsible parent 24/7?

Just go for a week and take loads to read. Just compromise a wee bit

Oh dear. I didn’t mean at all for that to sound so rude to single parents . Just if you have a partner you should have a partner, who does partnery parenty things.

To clarify: it's not that DH couldn't manage the kids for 2 weeks on his own. But on holiday, out of familiar places and familiar routine they'll be clingy and I know they'll want me. If I don't appear, they'll be really unsettled. Surely most children would be thrown a bit out of whack if one parent suddenly disappeared for a fortnight when they're usually at home?

We're going to tell SIL that we're sorry, but we're not going to go - it's quite expensive for us, and we know the kids wouldn't manage well with the heat.