AIBU to not go on this holiday?

[HeyThoughIWalk]

SIL and her DH & DCs are currently on holiday in Turkey. They FaceTimed last night and said they're having a fabulous time, weather has been brilliant, really hot etc. They've been to this hotel/resort quite a few times before - normally go every couple of years.

Then she said she'd had a great idea... as it's her 40th birthday next year, why don't we ALL go to Turkey for it (her actual birthday is in term time, so she just means this time next year). By "all" she means all the siblings and their partners & children, and PILs (and a random aunt who always tags along to these things!).

Apparently she's already spoken to the others and they all love the idea (DH has since spoken to them and confirmed this).

The problem is, I really don't want to go, for several reasons:

1. It's not my kind of holiday at all. I don't enjoy sitting by the pool or on a beach all day every day, which is what they (DH's family) do. I know from previous short breaks we've done with them, they expect everyone to do everything together, so DH wouldn't want to go off and leave them for us to do something else. I wouldn't feel safe wandering off on my own. The ILs like to lie by the pool, go for lunch and dinner at the same restaurant every day at the same time etc. I like to explore.

2. It's too hot. I don't cope well with heat; I'd likely end up spending a lot of time indoors.

3. I don't think the kids would enjoy it. DS (will be 4 by then) doesn't like swimming - DH is convinced he would love it if he had 2 weeks of doing nothing else; I'm not so sure. He's also a fairly picky eater, so getting food into him would be hard work. DD would probably be ok (she'll only be 2, so would probably be happy anywhere), but again she's not keen on hot weather - in fact, in the recent heatwave it reached about 27 degrees here, and they were both wilted and whiney for the duration.

4. The cost. We only really get to go on a "big" holiday every other year, so this would be our holiday for the next 2 years, really. I've looked into whether we could go for a week with them and then a week elsewhere, but the flights are the expensive bit and it's just going to cost too much to add another one in.

5. I don't really get on with my ILs in large amounts. I'm ok for a couple of days, but then I just get irritated by them (the constant in-jokes, banter, "hilarious" stories of past holidays etc).

So, am I unreasonable to say no, I don't think we should do this? DH would go if it was just up to him (although I don't think he's thought through what happens if the kids get hot and whiney - usually his solution is to hand them to me), but also doesn't mind too much either way. He sees all his family at least once a week anyway, so it's not as if it's their only chance to be together.

I feel a bit guilty because I know DH would like to go, but I just don't want to spend loads of money and a big chunk of my annual leave on a holiday that I don't really want to go on, with people whose company I don't especially enjoy, particularly as we then wouldn't have another holiday for a couple more years.

The only way I’d contemplate a holiday with family is if

A) they’re paying for me
B) we all have separate places to stay and are happy to spend time apart

I wouldn’t want to go either. It’s her birthday, it means you have to scrimp in yours and the kids’ birthday so I think it’s fair to not go.

Agree with MrsTerryPratchett*

I think I would go for a week. You say the kids won't enjoy it, are you sure? A week swimming and being surrounded by family sounds amazing for kids. You might get a break with family to help out. We just got back from hot holiday with our kids and my sil, bil, ds and other bil. The kids had a ball and really bonded playing with their aunties and uncles in the pool and on the beach. With rash vests and factor 50 their fair skin was not a problem at all. I was able to relax sitting by the baby pool with them pottering in there and getting a rest with others to help watch them.

I organise a holiday every once in a while and try to please everyone. But it is literally importable to please BIL and SIL while pleasing me.

They like fawning adoration in 5* ghettos, with pool-sitting and NO foreign culture at all. Of and 30+ degrees heat.

I like immersing in different places, people who don`t suck up to tourists, learning the language and eating new food. I like being busy and interesting and sitting in the heat around a pool actually makes me feel properly ill.

They don`t come with us.

We always do week trips if we go to Turkey. Can't imagine doing 2 weeks. I'd be bored out of my brain. There are trips offered I suppose but they end up ebbing expensive and packed full of drunk Brits. There is basically nothing to do in the resort areas. They are all the same.

Spending a week sitting by a pool in high temperatures would be my idea of hell. Is the resort somewhere where there are interesting sightseeing destinations? Can you go on condition that you and DH are going to do that, preferably on the basis that the kids stay with the in-laws?

Istanbul is a great place to visit, but absolutely not with two small children - especially when it's hot.

YWNBU to say 'Thanks, but no thanks'. Make sure that she knows you appreciate the invitation, but just say no if you don't want to go. Personally, I wouldn't get into the why and wherefores unless she pushes for reasons. Turkey is VERY hot in the summer - frequently 40 degrees - which is too hot for the vast majority of people and it's really hard to keep small DC entertained and happy in a hotel room in that sort of temp. It's okay to say no and much better than going, being miserable and resenting spending all that money on something you didn't even want to do!

Re: sight seeing - who the hell wants to sight see in 40 degrees?

My parents had a blanket rule that they did not holiday with other families, related or not, when we were growing up. No compromises or excuses, just «No, we don’t do that». I think it was one of their greatest parenting ideas.

No way DH would take the kids on his own

Then this is a no-brainer. No need for drama, either. Your DH doesn't mind either way, so you just make it clear now, you're all not going. And bollocks to his going on his own or your going for a week so you can have no holiday at all because putting up with hot whingey kids is no holiday. Just no.

I think I would compromise and suck it up for a week.
I wouldn't even contemplate it if the hotel didn't have air-con, and I would try and persuade others to go at may half term instead (or even term time which I presume would be much cheaper and doable for you?)

If you're being forced into a school hols holiday when you could go term time for the last time, that's a good excuse to get out of it completely TBH.

I don’t think you should go if you don’t want to. But to answer some of your points;

The heat is more bearable than in the UK as it is dry and not muggy. Also being in and out of the pool is more pleasant.

I don’t know about every location, but I’ve travelled alone in Turkey and never felt unsafe.

It’s a very family friendly country/culture and very welcoming towards children.

There are lots of historical things to see in most places.

Learning to swim is really important for children.

I think in your position I’d suggest a compromise, 1 week not 2, they stay in the hotel, you get a self catering apartment near by so you can have a mix of time with them and time alone. Turkey is great, and if you can get a compromise it would be good.

If they really can’t understand that you do somethings alone though I can see why you don’t want to go.

And FGS don't take your kids to Istanbul for a week either! It's a great city with masses to see and great food and culture - but with two toddlers? Hell no! Go with your DH, or wait until your DC are older, pref. much older, and go as a family.

IME the best holidays with small DC involve a toddler pool and/or gently shelving beach with nice soft sand for building with, warm (but not boiling hot) temps, a good playground, indoor soft play, food that you know they will eat, zoos, aquariums and other DC-friendly outings.

I think I'd go for one week and I'd pre-book a couple of really amazing historical excursions (with the 'random aunt'?). DH can either look after the kids (with his whole family to help or put them in kids club).

YANBU

Just say no thanks. I wouldn't use up all of my holiday time and budget to do something that I wouldn't even enjoy. Turkey, the risk of 40 degree heat and relatives that must do everything as a group - sounds like my idea of hell.

Yeah, I'm in the just no brigade, it's meant to be a holiday, not an endurance test.
When you say no are there likely to be repercussions? I'm assuming you're a bit nervous there might be or you wouldn't be posting, you'd have already said it!

Or again, one week only, but in a nearby apartment not the main hotel with them.

You could be describing one side of my family! It's not enough that you go to the same resort, but you must book the same hotel, you must be willing to travel everywhere en-masse, to do everything together and under no circumstances are you allowed to eat anywhere other than the one single restaurant in the town for two whole weeks, you must never visit anything cultural or taste anything local, or even set foot on the sand /sea. It's a pain in the hole.

We holidayed with them once, but made sure that we got our own hotel away from the rest of them (we pretended that we couldn't get a room at their hotel) travelled separately, booked up our sightseeing & activities the day we arrived and before we met them, and made sure that we only met them for dinner about three times. It was bearable as a holiday that way, but they were pissed off we did our own thing. We've not been asked since Result!

For DP and I, holidays are a way of catching up on all the shagging reconnecting and spending quality time together. You can't do that when you've got sixteen relatives on the holiday and you are sharing a room with your mum and 2 cousins while your DP is on a floor in with 'the men'.

Seriously stand your ground.

In general I would say YANBU. It is madness to spend your only holiday for two years on something you don’t think you’ll all love.

My only caveat would be if your/DH’s/kids’ holiday loves and hates made it impossible to find one holiday to suit you all. In which case if this is his kind of holiday, maybe this could be “his turn to choose” and next time it could be up to you.

It'll be too hot, I imagine.
Do tell your SIL sooner, rather than later, that you won't be joining them.
I think you're making the right decision, for what it's worth.

We can't go in term time as the other kids who are going are all at school.

Would love to get our own apartment or something, but the others would be offended and DH wouldn't do it (I would, happily, because I think it's crazy to all stay together, but he'd feel too guilty about it).

There wouldn't be repercussions as such if we don't go; it's more that I'd feel guilty about not going as I know DH would like to go. I just think it's a set-up for a miserable time, though, which he hasn't really thought through.

I'm not sure I could face sight-seeing in the heat. I'd be interested in going to Turkey some time, but I'd choose a time when it would be cooler, precisely because I'd want to be able to enjoy seeing things. Plus, I cannot emphasise enough how THEY ALL DO EVERYTHING TOGETHER. They'd all come sightseeing and then moan that it was boring!

Yanbu because of you don’t want to go you don’t have to. However you are making issues that actually shouldn’t be issues. Ive travelled lots with my son whilst he was young and frankly food isn’t that much of an issue. There’s always a kid option. Lots of tourist places actually do British kids food. My son however has eaten foreign food too. Souvlaki and chips is just meat on a kebab stick and chips. Just keep it basic and he’ll be fine and may actually expand his tastes.

Also the hot isn’t as much of an issue for a pool or beach holiday if you stay in the water :). Play in water all day and explore on foot when it cools for evening.

BoomBoomsCousin, no, we're fairly compatible with holidays. DH likes most things - he can lie on a beach/by a pool or go sightseeing, or do activities, whatever, and he can stick super hot or freezing cold. I enjoy city breaks and activity holidays; can stick a pool or beach for a few days quite happily, as long as it's not too hot, so there's a reasonable enough overlap!

Yeah, planning to tell them soon so they know. I think the consensus is to not go.

Miggledy, that sounds like a success!!

@HeythoughIWalk

Is the specific hotel in Istanbul though? I grew up in Turkey so of course I think it would be fine.

I think Istanbul in July with two little people will be tricky (but then so would any hot European city, Rome is hell in summer too). So I wouldn't go to the city.

Deciding factor is you don't like your in laws much. doesn't sound like the right holiday for you. Although I would urge that you visit turkey one day because it's the best :D. visit on your own terms.

If you agreed to go, I would just make it clear that some days you're going to do stuff on your own (with DH and your DC's) and make sure DH is on board with that. You don't have to tell them what you're doing, just say you're not going to be around tomorrow or whatever.

I've gone on group holidays which weren't my choice before but it's not actually that hard to decide to enjoy them.