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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

overbearing best friend...

37 replies

han9051990 · 30/07/2018 11:09

I need some advice about my lovely best friend who is being a tad overbearing.

We have been friends since primary school. I am married with 2 kids and 1 on the way, but she lives at home with her parents round the corner. She is great with my kids and my kids do love her, which is brilliant and I know I'm so lucky to have that.

She can however at times be a little over bearing and clingy. She comes over often (3x a week ish) and stays for a really long time (9+ hrs), brings loads of food over for herself and cooks it (she's vegan and won't eat our food otherwise i'd happily make an extra portion) then leaves our kitchen in a total mess which does get on my husbands nerves. She is very outgoing and extroverted and doesn't really like to be by herself. I am more introverted and do need my own space... I've tried to discuss this with her and mentioned that I am an introvert who needs my own space and she just says 'yeah me too!!!' which leaves me thinking... I am due a baby in a few days and she has really got worse recently. She went on holiday last week and was constantly texting saying she can't wait to get home and see us all. I find it a bit strange, if I was on holiday with my family I wouldn't be thinking of her back home or anyone for that matter, maybe that makes me selfish? Often when she is round and I want her to go, I drop hints (and my husband does too) like excessive yawning, saying we are tired. Sometimes I say I need to go and have a shower but she follows me upstairs. Or if I say I have to get the kids in bed she follows me up and 'helps' (but really just winds them up). If she texts or calls about coming over and I say I need some peace and quiet/I'm tired/I have plans, she invites herself to the plans I have like going for a play date with a mum friend or dr's appointments or food shops. Or she says she will come over and 'help' with the kids if I say I'm too tired. I know I need to have a conversation with her about backing off a bit, as she is off work for the whole of the summer holidays and I'm worried it is going to impose on that precious newborn time. I would love her to pop in here and there for a cuppa, but how do you ask someone to leave your house when they know you will be at home anyway? Fundamentally most of the time I just like to just be at home alone with my children and my husband, is that odd?

She isn't the most receptive person, if I say 'ok cool come over at 3' she replies saying 'ok well I'll just come over in the morning then we will have all day together!' She's like an overexcited puppy. Her boyfriend sometimes comes with her and he is more 'normal' he reads our signals and says 'come on I need to get home for work in the morning'. I need some advice on how to manage the conversation because I really don't want to hurt her or fall out in the slightest. Can anyone help?

OP posts:

EssentialHummus · 30/07/2018 11:13

You need to be firmer with her really. If you agree to meet in the afternoon but she says she'll be there in the morning, reply with "It'll be lovely to see you later, but actually I want to spend the morning doing a few bits my myself."

If you need her to leave, a combination of "Would you like another drink before you go?" and "Lovely to see you, I'm afraid I really need to get on with tidying/whatever and it'll be faster solo. See you again soon though."

ofclocksandkings · 30/07/2018 12:00

My best friend is very good at saying "well, I need you to leave now" or "heads up, I'm going to kick you out in 10 minutes" which felt jarring the first time she said it, but is actually really useful because it's said with love and it reassures me that when I am with her it's because she wants me, and I'm not overstaying any welcome. So I'd recommend that.

Maelstrop · 30/07/2018 12:11

Oh gawd, does your husband not want to kill her? Mine would go nuts! Can you stop her at the door? My neighbour is brilliant at the whole arms folded, guardian of the door thing. Open the door a crack, whisper ‘Not now, baby’s sleeping’ and say ‘See you tomorrow/Thursday’ or whenever suits.

I think you need to have the awkward, makes your bum go funny conversation, tho. A firm telling her to reduce it to twice a week, not at all for the first week after the baby is born. You’re going to have an epic fall out otherwise. She has no boundaries and you’ve never enforced them. Now is the time, new baby, new rules. If she tries to follow you upstairs, guide her to the door instead. Start now and be firm.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/07/2018 12:11

Enough with being subtle. Tell her you love her but things have to change, and then very clearly explain what the new boundaries are. She may not like it but she doesn't have to.

CSIblonde · 30/07/2018 12:20

I had this with neighbours daughter. 'Subtle' stuff and hints never work. I just get up now and say a brisk "sorry, I'll have to kick you out now, I've got stuff to do. " No specifics as to what, or she will see it as negotiation time & say she doesn't mind or, she will help.

HollowTalk · 30/07/2018 12:24

Why on earth hasn't your husband yelled at her for leaving the kitchen in a mess? Why the hell is she cooking in your kitchen anyway? Who does that? Tell her to go home to cook!

Aprilshowersinjuly · 30/07/2018 12:25

Maybe you need to start needing a nap? Send her a message, having a sleep/lie down so switching phone off, do it, lock door, shut curtains.
Get dh to answer off your phone saying oh op is asleep, will get her to text you tonight.

Let dh interfere if you don't feel you can be assertive enough.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 30/07/2018 12:27

Really surprised when I got to your final paragraph and you mention she has a boyfriend! She sounds suffocating. You and your DH are amazingly patient.

Of course it is not unreasonable to want time to yourselves! She is not a housemate and if she were, you would still be entitled to some privacy when you wanted it.

Janella · 30/07/2018 13:13

I feel your pain, I had a friend like this too. She had two kids she would bring round and unleash into my house to reek havoc too. I jumped for joy when she told me she was moving away 2 years ago, and I still get a sense of dread when she comes back to visit (due a visit very soon).

I had to fathom out, reluctantly, that she wasn't that great a friend: she wasn't considerate of my feelings, didn't respect my boundaries or rules, and parented very differently to me (not a problem IRL but a big problem when her kids were in my house).

You sound like you value your friendship and don't want it to end. You could try arranging to meet her out somewhere or at hers. That way you get to leave when you're ready. Book in some cafe/park/whatever trips with her. Think about what help you really want, and ask her to do those things (like taking your older two out to the park etc). Make it work for you too.

Original poster

han9051990 · 30/07/2018 21:29

Yes she does have a boyfriend, they have split up a couple of times and reading between the lines of what she tells me, it's much the same issue with him, he talks about wanting and needing space, etc, though I know he loves her (as do I) so they end up back together. They don't live together and I think that is much to do with her boundary issues. I have arranged to see her tomorrow and told her to come over in the afternoon, which she ignored and said she would come in the morning. I have text her again today saying 'can we take a rain check on tomorrow morning and I'll see you in the afternoon?' she has said ok, but bombarded me with messages asking if I'm ok, saying she will take the kids if I have an appointment... etc etc. I've replied saying 'no its ok, I'll see you at 1 tomorrow :)' and when she asks tomorrow I'm not going to lie and make up an excuse, I'll say I just needed the morning to myself with the kids. Say I am having feelings like I want to bunker down and have time by myself with them and DH, and being so pregnant its important I follow those instincts. I think its important for me to tell her that there was no direct reason as such for me not seeing her earlier, I just didn't want to.

She wants to look after my kids and bring them up to the hospital when I've had the baby... My mum knows her quite well (we've been friends since we were 4) and when I told my mum that my friend wants to do this she practically got her boxing gloves out!

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 30/07/2018 21:38

You have the patience of a saint.
My DH would have gone mad with the kitchen in a mess.

Can't she cook at home?

You need to be firm and get her to do that. Try this "Is prefer it if you cooked at home

SandyY2K · 30/07/2018 21:40

Wanted to add...friends like this can ruin your marriage. Be careful and be firm with boundaries.

ShumpaLumpa · 30/07/2018 22:02

She cooks for herself and leaves a mess? How is that helping you?!

I hate clearing up own mess let alone a friend's. OP, you need to get firm now otherwise you will snap and have a major falling out. Limit her to one visit at most, no visits until new baby is 4 weeks old, only staying 2 hours max, no cooking in your kitchen. Do it now as new baby is a great reason to start as you mean to go on.

ShumpaLumpa · 30/07/2018 22:03

One visit per week at most, that should say

Foodylicious · 30/07/2018 22:15

Can you try telling het that you have been chatting to your dh and your midwife and you have agreed that you need to focus more time on just being a family together, or your own.
That you feel it will be better for the kids and baby if you have less time with visitors overall.

So from now on you are going to have to limit visits to a couple of hours a couple of times a week.
Reassure her that you are fine, that you do not need any help and you do not want your friendship to suffer, but that your family is getting bigger and they need to be your priority.

MissCharleyP · 30/07/2018 22:37

I’m guessing (as I don’t know her or you) that as she still lives with her parents she sees your house as her chance to be an ‘adult’, hence the cooking. Maybe her parents don’t let her cook (mine never did at home) and/or don’t approve of her being vegan (I can imagine my parents reaction, especially if I still lived at home). Her ‘helping’ with kids could be her way of saying “See, look how good I am with them, I can do this” to her BF (probably thinks it’s more subtle than saying “I want to move in and have babies with you”). That said, you do need to enforce boundaries. I do have empathy with her, it’s very hard to be behind where you want to be when your peers seem streets ahead.

BMW6 · 30/07/2018 22:48

OP you have got to be frank and direct with her.
"Can I come over and cook my meal" - "No"
"Why not?" - "I want time alone with my family, you are doing this far too often and you leave a terrible mess"

Arrange visits once or twice a week, no longer than 2 hours. When you want her to go just stand up and say "Right, things to do, I need you to go now"

She sounds like she has a thick hide. You are going to have to spell it out and be determined.

Best of luck

Original poster

han9051990 · 30/07/2018 22:50

MissCharley I think you have got it in a nutshell! I will mention though I am only 25 so comparatively young to be having my third child, not many of our other friends have a mortgage, and are married with babies so I am the odd one out as such. She loves kids and I think maybe it is a subconscious show to her BF, but he is younger than us only 23 or so. She does cook at home because she talks about hello fresh boxes she gets, and her dad is also vegan and possibly her mum I think. I think its more the case that she is at my house for sooo long, she gets hungry but doesn't want to eat our food as we eat meet and dairy etc. So rather than go home like most people would she goes and gets food and brings it back to cook it. My DH is the most tolerant patient person, I think if he had been less so this wouldn't have gone on so long as I'd have to put my foot down for the sake of him and my marriage. He complains about her to me, but never loses his temper actually with her IYSWIM.

OP posts:

Original poster

han9051990 · 30/07/2018 22:50

meat* rather

OP posts:

emmyrose2000 · 31/07/2018 00:16

she invites herself to the plans I have like going for a play date with a mum friend or dr's appointments or food shops
Why on earth are you allowing her to encroach on these things? If you drive there, don't let her in the car. If you walk, just tell her it's time for you to go and you'll see her later in ten years. Stop letting her walk all over you and set some boundaries.

Tell her to clean up her own mess in the kitchen. It's ridiculous that you've allowed her to get away with this for so long.

I can tell you one thing - if you were meeting me for a playdate and turned up with this random stranger (to me), I'd cancel the event and wouldn't be making any more arrangements with you.

Frankly, I'd let your mum give her what-for, if she wants to. It's about time someone did.

Original poster

han9051990 · 31/07/2018 13:03

@emmyrose2000 I value my friendship with her, blocking her from getting my car is basically like giving her the fingers and telling her to f off. It does really wind my up but she does it out of kindness and with a 'I'm a big help' kind of a thing. She will say she needs to do a food shop to and that we can go together, and doesn't really take no for an answer, as far as she's concerned she would love to do everything with company so she can't understand why others might be different. I don't want to be rude or nasty to her as I really don't think she realises that tagging along constantly is socially inappropriate...

OP posts:

MsPavlichenko · 31/07/2018 13:10

Well she won't realise it if you don't tell her.

Cauliflowersqueeze · 31/07/2018 13:18

Just don’t pick up the phone when she rings or open the door. Be less available.

Fishface77 · 31/07/2018 13:37

When you going to speak to her op?
I couldn’t stand this!
I’m an introvert in an extrovert body so need time alone to recharge my batteries or I feel suffocated!

ShumpaLumpa · 31/07/2018 13:38

He complains about her to me, but never loses his temper actually with her IYSWIM.

You haven't meant to, but you are putting your friend above your DH here. If not for yourself, nip it all in the bud for his sake.

What do you think about 1 visit per week, 2 hours max, etc, OP?

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