overbearing best friend...

[han9051990]

I need some advice about my lovely best friend who is being a tad overbearing.

We have been friends since primary school. I am married with 2 kids and 1 on the way, but she lives at home with her parents round the corner. She is great with my kids and my kids do love her, which is brilliant and I know I'm so lucky to have that.

She can however at times be a little over bearing and clingy. She comes over often (3x a week ish) and stays for a really long time (9+ hrs), brings loads of food over for herself and cooks it (she's vegan and won't eat our food otherwise i'd happily make an extra portion) then leaves our kitchen in a total mess which does get on my husbands nerves. She is very outgoing and extroverted and doesn't really like to be by herself. I am more introverted and do need my own space... I've tried to discuss this with her and mentioned that I am an introvert who needs my own space and she just says 'yeah me too!!!' which leaves me thinking... I am due a baby in a few days and she has really got worse recently. She went on holiday last week and was constantly texting saying she can't wait to get home and see us all. I find it a bit strange, if I was on holiday with my family I wouldn't be thinking of her back home or anyone for that matter, maybe that makes me selfish? Often when she is round and I want her to go, I drop hints (and my husband does too) like excessive yawning, saying we are tired. Sometimes I say I need to go and have a shower but she follows me upstairs. Or if I say I have to get the kids in bed she follows me up and 'helps' (but really just winds them up). If she texts or calls about coming over and I say I need some peace and quiet/I'm tired/I have plans, she invites herself to the plans I have like going for a play date with a mum friend or dr's appointments or food shops. Or she says she will come over and 'help' with the kids if I say I'm too tired. I know I need to have a conversation with her about backing off a bit, as she is off work for the whole of the summer holidays and I'm worried it is going to impose on that precious newborn time. I would love her to pop in here and there for a cuppa, but how do you ask someone to leave your house when they know you will be at home anyway? Fundamentally most of the time I just like to just be at home alone with my children and my husband, is that odd?

She isn't the most receptive person, if I say 'ok cool come over at 3' she replies saying 'ok well I'll just come over in the morning then we will have all day together!' She's like an overexcited puppy. Her boyfriend sometimes comes with her and he is more 'normal' he reads our signals and says 'come on I need to get home for work in the morning'. I need some advice on how to manage the conversation because I really don't want to hurt her or fall out in the slightest. Can anyone help?

You have to tell her! I could easily be your friend (I’m not, don’t worry) because I love hanging out with people and doing mundane things like food shopping and now I’m older I can read the signs and tell when I’m not wanted and I am always very careful with my friends to give them space and not crowd them but when I was younger I didn’t pick up on those hints. I look back now and cringe because I realise how clingy I was and how many hints I missed. It’s not my friends’ fault but I definitely needed someone to flat out tell me to back off. You’ve got to just do it, she’s never going to take a hint.

I have a friend like this, she’s a single mum and her dd is the same age as my oldest. I work from home and she doesn’t work, so would pop round. It got to the stage I would just tell her to go as I had to work. It was hard at first but now she’s not offended by it. I also say things like ‘ok I’m going to have to kick you out in 5 minutes’ or ‘ok I need you to bugger off now, I’ve got things to do’ regardless of if I’m working or it’s on a weekend. She really likes company and simply doesn’t take any hints so I have to be as subtle as a brick. I say it all with a laugh and a smile and she doesn’t seem bothered by it now and simply leaves.
I’d also try the same tact regarding food. Just simply tell her:

Her: I’m going to cook my lunch now
You: ok no probs but can you clean up after yourself, you leave more mess than the kids and I have enough of having to clear up after them without you adding to it - all said whilst laughing.

Why are you worried about offending her.She is trampling all over you.

You need to have a chat or it will be a bit falling out.
Your dh needs to man the doors and not let her in.

You need to put firm boundaries, she is encroaching on your family life, and your mental health and well being. You need to be more firm, as in you need to go now as we are tired, and want time for ourselves. Or don't come on this day we are busy. I am having a shower and want time to myself, so you need to go now.

Yes you are putting your friends feelings above your dh and above your kids and yourself. Stop being nice, and start being firm, if she cannot respect that, I would distance myself from her a bit. I could not be doing with that, very suffocating.

but she does it out of kindness and with a 'I'm a big help' kind of a thing

But she isn't is she?

How on earth can you put up with this. I know she's a friend, I know she means well, but does she honestly want to come supermarket shopping with you?

Just because she's very gregarious and wants company all the time, it doesn't mean to say everyone does. Why on earth does she not pick up the signs you and your DH are obviously giving out.
You yawn lots and say you need an early night - she takes no notice. You say you need to go up for a shower - she follows you up!

This is ridiculous, you are going to have to be cruel to be kind and spell it out because she either doesn't see the signs or chooses not to.

I had a good friend round last week for lunch, she never stops talking, after 4 hours I'm exhausted so I don't want to see her again for a few weeks, even though I love her to bits. THAT is normal, not what you're putting up with.

You need to think of your DH and how annoying it must be for him

Well, you have two choices don’t you? Continue to live this way and not address it with her, or address it with her and risk losing her friendship.

Personally I think you need to do the second option so you don’t have a momentous blow up at her that you can’t come back from. You need to tell her she can’t come round - not ask her if she can do the afternoon instead. She doesn’t hear your hints. You need to tell her to leave, or that you don’t want her cooking, or that you don’t want her coming over.

She hasn’t grown up! She is still stuck in teenage mode of chilling at your mates.

She needs to get her own place as I bet living st home is like a time warp! She will have her own space that you can visit her in.

You have a great excuse of hormones so just say ‘ I need to be in my own, I’m nesting, I’ll call you when I need you, love you!

She sounds like she has no life, so encroaches on your. She has very poor social skills,N failing to pick up your obvious queues. I think your providing her entertainment.

Omg kill her! 😮

Dropping hints and making excuses is not going to work. Your going to have to sit her down and have a blunt conversation with her.

Tell her you love and value her friendship but your married with 3 kids and you and your family need your own space. She can visit but only for x amount of time. No more cooking in your house. If you tell her your busy and she invites herself along tell her no. You need to be firmer with her op.

I know its awkward as fcuk but you have to spell it out to her because she either is not getting the hints or just doesn't care.

Sooner or later this will impact on your marriage. Dont let it get to that stage.

I agree with poptart you can't be too nice and drop hints as she just doesn't pick up on them. You'll have to have an honest conversation with her.