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Original poster

Sister's behaviour (long!)

48 replies

enbh · 30/07/2018 10:37

Ugh...where to start. Will try to be brief.
I'm at a total loss with my sister, and her behaviour. She failed to attend my son's christening at the weekend, after we had asked her to be godmother. It seems as we didn't invite her partner, who we don't know very little well or, to be honest, like (been to prison for GBH and drugs) and as he wasn't invited my sister decided the day before that she wasn't going to attend either.

I was so upset by this, I even gave in and invited him but apparently it was too little too late.

My sister's behaviour since she met him has shocked me, she has changed into someone I just don't know. We had such a lovely childhood and happy unbringing but she seems to have taken this horrible path in life.

She's on and off addicted to drugs, she steals from my mum, she misses so many family occasions, her teenage son lives with my mum and she has missed his birthday altogether a few times. She went on a massive coke binge the day my baby was born and she hardly ever comes to see us.

She just won't leave this partner though. She says she won't ever leave him. She's jealous if he so much as goes up the shop without her and he is much the same.

This has been going on for 5 years... I'm worried for my mum, she's always so downtrodden by this and I worry one day something really bad will happen to my sister.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable being upset with her for missing such a special occasion...but is there anything I can do or say to make her see how selfish she is being? I'm at my wit's end.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
TheShapeOfEwe · 30/07/2018 10:40

I'm so sorry OP. Drug addiction is a terrible thing, and if the addict doesn't want help there is so little you can do. Have you looked at resources from drug charities etc? They may be able to offer real help.

Stirner · 30/07/2018 10:40

@enbh - you created the problem by not inviting your sister's partner.

TheProvincialLady · 30/07/2018 10:45

Sorry OP but you’re in denial about your sister. You invited a chaotic, co dependent drug addict to be your baby’s godparent. It’s no surprise at all that she failed to turn up. She will let you down again and again until she cleans up and changes her life permanently. Which she may never do. You need to accept that instead of trying to carry on as if she isn’t as she is.

MyBloodyMaltesersAreMelting · 30/07/2018 10:59

She sounds like she is in a very dark place enbh
Concentrate on your own family , there’s not much you can do

FeralBeryl · 30/07/2018 11:00

Why on earth did you choose her as a godparent!? That makes a mockery of the role.
To be honest, your refusal to accept her partner (whatever your feelings towards him) has done this. We read often enough on here about women being left off invitations to their partner's plans and we're indignant for them. This is just a reversal of the sexes.
If they are serious, you need to accept 'them' rather than just her, or don't be disappointed if she chooses to support him by not going.
Hope you had a lovely day anyway though Thanks

Aprilshowersinjuly · 30/07/2018 11:01

Sister or not she isn't appropriate to have around your dc..
She needs professional help, her decision unfortunately.

TaleasoldasTimee · 30/07/2018 11:04

Why on earth would you ask someone like her to be a godparent?! Great role model for your son Hmm

Original poster
enbh · 30/07/2018 11:06

@Stirner I just didn't think it was an appropriate place for a man I didn't know very well. He went to prison for drug dealing, I just wasn't comfortable.

OP posts:
EuphoricNight · 30/07/2018 11:08

It's so hard op but have to agree with The provincial
"Sorry OP but you’re in denial about your sister. You invited a chaotic, co dependent drug addict to be your baby’s godparent".

She won't change unless she wants to. All you can do is damage limitation. Don't expect her to attend family occasions, keep in contact but don't let her use and abuse your good nature.

You, you DM and and her ds need to access support from drug charities to help manage your expectations .

KC225 · 30/07/2018 11:09

Sorry but after reading your post I can't think why you would have asked her to be Godmother. You have every right to be upset but not surprised given her past behaviour.

You will not be able to make her see she is selfish. She will see herself as Bonnie and Clyde - a dysfunctional relationship, him and her against the world. If her own son, due to her lifestyle is having to life apart at his Grandparents isnt an indicator to selfish behaviour then your words will make little difference.

Don't shut the door and go NC but you have to concentrate on your own life now. Your sister is making her life choices, leave her too it. You have a young baby, the best thing you can do for your mum is be normal. Invite your mum round for a lovely afternoon tea and baby cuddle. Agree to spend 15minutes discussing your sister then give your mum a chance to offload. Then stop and talk about other things.

pinook · 30/07/2018 11:09

How long has she been with her partner?

DerelictWreck · 30/07/2018 11:10

*Stirner are you mad?! OP, not your fault at all!

Original poster
enbh · 30/07/2018 11:10

I asked her out of obligation. We also asked DH's brother. I hoped it might have made her step up to the role.

I don't ever have her around my children on her own, she's only held my DS twice. I'm not sure she even realises though.

Sort of half hoped she would feel proud and happy I'd asked her.

I

OP posts:
Original poster
enbh · 30/07/2018 11:14

KC225 good advice, I think you are right.

I suppose the best thing I can do is get on with my own life and be there for her when it all comes crashing down.

I shouldn't have asked her to be a godparent. Silly but I thought she might have enjoyed the good attention rather than bad!

OP posts:
sunshineandroses1 · 30/07/2018 11:15

The idea of choosing someone as a Godparent whom you wouldn’t allow around your children alone is frankly ridiculous
Just leave it. Your sister is choosing her life and you are choosing yours. I’m sure if you really think about it properly you’ll realise that a drug addict is not going to ‘step up’ just because you ask them to be a godparent

Nicknacky · 30/07/2018 11:17

You know being a god parent isn’t just about putting a pretty dress on and having a good day out?!

LuluJakey1 · 30/07/2018 11:17

You want her to be someone she isn't. You can't change her. She is an adult. Stop trying to play happy families when she does not want to play. You are setting yourself up for disappointment and you know you are. Pointless.

Urbanbeetler · 30/07/2018 11:18

I think she was looking for an excuse not to do it because of the state she is in - she must realise she would make a shit godparent. As someone else said, a mockery of the role.

It was for the best that she failed to show.

Original poster
enbh · 30/07/2018 11:20

I know it was silly of me to choose her. She was such a great parent to her son when he was little, even though she was very young she was so responsible. I really respected that.

I just keep hoping that person will come back and I'll get my sister back...but it's probably time to just accept things as they are. Not as I want them to be.

I'm her son's godparent, and I took it very seriously. I hoped she would do the same but I think I needed an outside perspective to knock some sense into me. So sad.

OP posts:
LeighaJ · 30/07/2018 11:23

Drug problems and jail time aside he's been her loser BF for 5 years if i understood your OP correctly and so he shouldn't have been excluded. I mean if you're going to exclude drug addicts then surely your sister shouldn't have been invited? Confused

She's not a good role model for your children and you can't change a drug addicts ways or interests by making them a godparent. I unfortunately lived with a relative for a while who was a drug addict, they simply don't care about anything but drugs.

I think an intervention might be a more suitable event for your sister then a christening tbh.

Bumshkawahwah · 30/07/2018 11:24

As the sister of an former addict, I’ve thought the same things many times - why did they not step up for important occasions? Why did they put themselves before their children? Why won’t they just see what they are doing?

Eventually I gave up. You can’t chabge the behavior of someone else. You are expecting her to snap out of it all and act like a responsible member of society and take part in normal things...it’s not going to happen. Her priorities are her chaotic life, her partner and drugs. She will be able to justify her lifestyle to herself, and will justify it to anyone else, even though you know it is fucked up, and sad, and awful.

As someone else said - you need to see her for what she is right now, a car crash of a person who you need to have very low expectations of.

NewYearNewMe18 · 30/07/2018 11:28

I see your reasoning in choosing your sister to be a Godparent, OP, but the sad thing is , your sister doesn't care about her own child, much less yours (or you or your parents) she is in the thrall of her partner, and that's not going to change.

A hard call, but in your shoes, I'd just step away. No need for the grand gesture of declaring NC , just let it drift. Sadly she'll likely end up with a premature death, and you'll all wonder if you could have done more, but an addict has to want to be helped and at the moment, your sister doesn't.

Anxious2niteaaah · 30/07/2018 11:37

Op by the sounds of it her teenage son is much better off living with your parents if she is like that...he needs a stable upbringing and being exposed to her behaviour will scar him mentally and emotionally right into his adult life...

I personally wouldn't invite her to family occasions until she cleaned up her act and went to rehab ...

Haffiana · 30/07/2018 11:39

So, you invite a drug addict to be a godparent. Then you do not invite her partner OF 5 YEARS at all because he has been convicted of drug dealing.

You are being very unreasonable and I am not surprised your sister wants nothing to do with you. She let you down yes, but you have also let her down, big time.

CocoaGin70 · 30/07/2018 11:39

I've got the reverse situation with my sister. We're NC because she's "found" the Lord, and prefers to spend time "saving" lost souls ie drug addicts and the homeless to seeing her nieces and great nieces/nephews. She's absolutely broken my girls hearts, and I can't bear to be around her pompous piety. She bullies our parents into doing what she wants, is making our mum ill with the stress of it all and it's all because of her the new conman in her life which is why I can't be around her.

I've come to the conclusion that I can't change her behaviour, I just have to do what's necessary to protect myself and my DDs. It's really awful when someone you've known and loved your whole life changes into someone you no longer recognise let alone like Flowers.

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