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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sister's behaviour (long!)

48 replies

enbh · 30/07/2018 10:37

Ugh...where to start. Will try to be brief.
I'm at a total loss with my sister, and her behaviour. She failed to attend my son's christening at the weekend, after we had asked her to be godmother. It seems as we didn't invite her partner, who we don't know very little well or, to be honest, like (been to prison for GBH and drugs) and as he wasn't invited my sister decided the day before that she wasn't going to attend either.

I was so upset by this, I even gave in and invited him but apparently it was too little too late.

My sister's behaviour since she met him has shocked me, she has changed into someone I just don't know. We had such a lovely childhood and happy unbringing but she seems to have taken this horrible path in life.

She's on and off addicted to drugs, she steals from my mum, she misses so many family occasions, her teenage son lives with my mum and she has missed his birthday altogether a few times. She went on a massive coke binge the day my baby was born and she hardly ever comes to see us.

She just won't leave this partner though. She says she won't ever leave him. She's jealous if he so much as goes up the shop without her and he is much the same.

This has been going on for 5 years... I'm worried for my mum, she's always so downtrodden by this and I worry one day something really bad will happen to my sister.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable being upset with her for missing such a special occasion...but is there anything I can do or say to make her see how selfish she is being? I'm at my wit's end.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

TaleasoldasTimee · 30/07/2018 11:41

I hoped it might have made her step up to the role

If she can't even step up for her own son what makes you think she'd step up for yours?

You have this picture of her partner when she's just as bad.

Original poster

enbh · 30/07/2018 11:47

@Haffiana I do get that maybe it looks like I let her down, but he has never shown any interest in us...not that it would have been likely to change my mind, but I didn't know he even wanted to go until the day before. we have had plenty of family occasions in the last 5 years, he never ever complained of not being invited. I had actually assumed it wasn't his thing.

That's not why I didn't invite him though, I didn't invite him because I didn't want him to ruin the day.

OP posts:

SmileSweetly · 30/07/2018 11:47

^ why on earth did you ask her to be godmother or expect her to attend the christening at all?

Rebecca36 · 30/07/2018 11:53

From the description you've given of your sister I cannot understand why you wanted her to be Godmother in the first place.

sonjadog · 30/07/2018 11:57

To me it sounds like you are tackling this situation by trying to pretend that everything is really okay and that she's just got a little off track for a while. That's a good way to get let down and hurt over and over again, while not benefiting either yourself, your family or her. I think you should stop and look at this situation squarely in the eye. It may help you be more realistic about who she is and what your role needs to be.

hungryhippo90 · 30/07/2018 11:59

I’m sorry if this reads abruptly, but why on earth did you think she would step up to the plate to be a decent god parent when her own son isn’t enough to illicit such a response?

I can’t understand your dislike of your sisters partner, I’m sure I’m wording this really badly, but GBH, convictions for selling drugs tend to be things that are linked to those in chaotic addicted lives, he sounds like the kind of person your sister is choosing to be herself, whilst in the cycle of addiction. I can understand you disliking her choices, I can understand you disliking who she currently is, I can understand your frustration, but her partner isn’t the reason she is this way, if he was to disappear I doubt she would all of a sudden be the sister you remember before addiction, she would in most likelihood have another boyfriend with the same attributes you dislike in her current partner.

Even if you invited the partner there’s a real possibility she may not have shown up anyway.

I’m sorry you are in this position, but I don’t like that it reads like you are scapegoating your sisters partner for being in an active addiction like your sister.

Addiction and everything else aside, I’d also not go to a family event that my partner of 5 years wasn’t invited to.

GoatYoga · 30/07/2018 12:01

Why would you want this person to be your child Godmother? I know she is your sister, but she doesn't sound like the best role model.

Jaxhog · 30/07/2018 12:01

Her not turning up is a blessing in disguise. The role of god parent is to provide advice and guidance when the parent can't. Do you really want a drug addict with poor judgement in this role?

Keep her at arms length until she has moved past this guy, or fallen so low she needs (and would appreciate) your support.

By the way, you can invite whoever you like to a christening or wedding. If people don't like it, they can choose not to come. But they cannot pressurize you into inviting someone you don't like!

MrsJayy · 30/07/2018 12:02

You want your sister to be a normal person you didn't invite the partner and you got angry she didn't show up. She can't be bothered to remember her own sons birthday so what is the chances of her giving a rats arse about your baby, she is a selfish chaotic woman I think you need to distance yourself from her chaos.

MrsJayy · 30/07/2018 12:04

Btw I don't blame you for not inviting him but she was clearly offended and that is what she is focusing on.

gamerwidow · 30/07/2018 12:11

It’s very hard when family members make poor decisions and choose to be with partners who are harmful or engage in self distructive behaviours. I think unless you’ve been in this position you won’t understand how hurtful it is when your family put the feelings of their awful destructive partner ahead of everything even when it destroys their relationship with everyone else. You need to stop expecting anything of your sister OP. You can’t help her while she doesn’t want to be helped and all you are doing is inviting her to keep hurting you.

hungryhippo90 · 30/07/2018 12:12

I’m sorry, another post but the way you seem to just paint your sisters partner as a bad person has annoyed me a bit.

How would you feel if her partner had family who didn’t want to know her because she has the same addiction as him?

What if they were all talking about how she steals from her own mother (maybe he sells drugs instead of looting from his own family?) what if they used the fact she has a child who she cannot bring up because of her choice to take drugs and lead a chaotic life?
What if he was selling drugs in part to pay for her addiction?

How would you feel if her partners family didn’t invite her to things thinking she would ruin it, when they don’t even know her.

I really wish that the families of those suffering in this sort of situation weren’t so quick to judge others for being so bad.

StepBackNow · 30/07/2018 12:14

Cut her out of your life. She's chosen her path, leave her to it.

EnthusiasmWellAndTrulyCurbed · 30/07/2018 12:19

How special can it be when you chose a lying, thieving drug addict (going by your post) to be Godparent to your precious child? Someone you don't even trust to be alone with him. Kinda makes a mockery of the whole thing, not least the exclusion of the boyfriend because he's too awful to attend.

I'd just leave it. Hopefully there was a backup Godparent.

scarbados · 30/07/2018 12:24

There's more to a christening and to being a godparent than going to a nice family party. It's religious ceremony and if you can't at least understand the reasons behind it, just have a family lunch in a pub somewhere.

Have you ever read end understood the vows a godparent undertakes at a christening? If you have, why would you want your sister as a godmother?

Clutterbugsmum · 30/07/2018 12:28

I know you feel like you are taking a beating from people on here, but you ask for other opinions.

We are looking from the outside and going by what you have written and unfortunately your sister is a drug addict, living with a violent drug dealer and until she recognises and changes her life then I can't see how she can have any part of your child life.

Notevilstepmother · 30/07/2018 12:29

I think you already worked out for yourself the advice I was going to give.

I suppose the best thing I can do is get on with my own life and be there for her when it all comes crashing down

Drug abuse changes people. She isn’t the same person she was sadly. Nothing you do or say will change that. You will just be hurt if you keep trying to connect with the old version of her. It’s very sad, but true.

Original poster

enbh · 30/07/2018 13:25

Thanks to everyone who took the time to read my post and reply. I appreciate it as I know I've lost perspective on this, hence the post.

I can see how it might seem I'm villifying her partner and not her. Just to explain, I don't like him, but I don't like her either. I do however love her as she is my sister. If she wasn't my sister i'd have nothing to do with her. I know she's as bad as him, but the fact remains that it's her life I want to help with, not his. She wasn't like this before she met him which leads me to believe that he's had at least a part to play in the way she has ended up.

I'm going to show these posts to my mum. She needs to see that our 'wait for her to go back to normal' isn't working. Being kind and eternally forgiving hasn't done any good. We need to accept that.

OP posts:

Original poster

enbh · 30/07/2018 17:22

OP posts:

emmyrose2000 · 31/07/2018 09:59

She doesn't even care about her own child. She sure as hell isn't going to care about anyone else's.

PaulRuddislush · 31/07/2018 10:39

My late father was an alcoholic, brother is in recovery as is my niece and I've worked with people on a methadone program. The booze/drugs ALWAYS come first. I've distanced myself from people with addiction problems now, they exhaust me and I'm done trying to "save" them.

Original poster

enbh · 31/07/2018 11:04

PaulRuddIsLush yeah I think I'm starting to realise it might be time to stop trying to save my sister and accept things as they are. I just find it so hard not to think of my sister as someone who has been led astray, rather than an adult who has made some very poor life choices and continues to make them. I just feel so frustrated and helpless.

OP posts:

PaulRuddislush · 31/07/2018 12:33

You have your own nuclear family now and they're your priority, you're not your sister's keeper.

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