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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to send DC to nursery in pull ups

55 replies

MrsRainbowJohnson · 30/07/2018 10:16

My DS (3) is starting school in September and im wondering whether to send him in pull ups.

We've started potty training him but in my opinion hes not ready. We started because of pressure from MIL and school. We tried a normal potty, the seat that goes on top of toilet seat, a bigger potty and he screamed his head off with all of them. Finally found a toddler size toilet that is a potty and he happily uses this. However this is if he isn't wearing anything from waist below. If i put anything on him, he will 100% do it in whatever hes wearing. He seems to forget hes not wearing a nappy.

I understand teachers have many children to look after so need them potty trained but if i put him in his pants he will need changing and i hate the thought of him being wet.

If we go out ive been advised by HV to leave him in pull ups or a nappy and to concentrate on using potty at home first. I think this confuses him but tbh when ive tried taking him to the toilet when we are out, he screams his head off and gets very distressed.

Sorry for long post but would love some advice pls

OP posts:
TheVanguardSix · 30/07/2018 13:05

By the way, the Dry Like Me pads are incredibly absorbent.

Kokeshi123 · 30/07/2018 13:06

Hi OP

The whole thing about "nurseries are not allowed to discriminate against children in nappies" is true, but this is supposed to be about protecting a small number of children who are actually disabled. It's not supposed to be turned into a reason to keep on and on using nappies on children who are capable of using the toilet/potty.

The more children in nappies they have (and a pullup is a nappy, basically), the less time and energy the staff have to spend doing things like reading to children, activities, crafts and circle time. They can cope with one or two genuinely disabled kids in a nappies, but when more and more kids stay in nappies longer and longer, it will really start to impact on the quality of care.

Your son does not sound like he has any kind of disability or delay--it sounds like he "goes" in any form of bottoms (pants or nappies) out of sheer habit because, as another poster says, that's all he's known for three years. Oh Crap Potty Training has sound advice, as mentioned previously. You may need to just grit your teeth and spend a long weekend in the house until he's cracked it. Good luck!

Original poster
MrsRainbowJohnson · 30/07/2018 13:36

Hi all

Thank you sp much for all the great advice.

Sorry, we have been potty training for abt 3 weeks now, lots of accidents at first and now it's every now and again. Mostly when i leave him in pants though when hes pants free, hes fine. So should i leave him in pants and hope he will get used to it? Ive bought loads of pants for him to get used to in.

I will definately look into oh crap potty training and the dry like me pads. I was moving potty around him so its easier but ive now realized it should be kept in one place so he can learn too. Taking potty out with us would be quite hard as its quite big and i also have DS2 (1) with us.

What i meant by hes not ready, is he would never tell me he wants changing, poos and pees wherever he is, was not discreet about it. When he wakes up, nappy was full after nap time was full aswell so to me and HV he wasnt ready. I didnt want to put pressure on him as he cried when we were trying to use potty and i didnt want him to develop a fear from using toilet as i understand its a huge skill to learn esp like others have said too hes been using nappies for 3 years

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsRainbowJohnson · 30/07/2018 13:39

Thank you for all the suggestions 💐

OP posts:
Cutesbabasmummy · 30/07/2018 14:19

Just to say my son had no idea and would never tell us if he had wet or pooed his nappy. He knew nothing different to that. The first time he weed without a nappy he wondered what on earth had happened! Don't put pants on him yet. If you absolutely have to go out (and this is not the nest idea) put him in very loose trousers.

Allthewaves · 30/07/2018 14:33

I'd go pull up free for next two weeks at least. Try home for a good week. Try loose shorts he can pull up and down easily. I found when mine realised when their feet got wet as they were wearing loose shorts they soin worked out how to pull them down and wee

TheVanguardSix · 30/07/2018 14:41

It's incredibly common for kiddies to not be fully potty trained by the time they start nursery. And just keep in mind that your DS will be far from the only one still learning the ropes.
I had two very late trainers (and DS who is now 4 and will be in reception in September, is still funny about pooing in the toilet). So try not to let it stress you too much.
I imagine your DS is doing 3 hours at nursery per day. That's a very short spurt of time and a perfect opportunity for him to learn bladder control/staying dry outside the home. He'll get to know 'when to go' better.
The Dry Like Me pads were excellent, much better than I'd anticipated. Put your little one in pants (or nothing at all) during the day at home this summer. Pooing is a whole other issue. DS (4) still prefers pooing in a nappy than in a toilet and he's starting reception in September.

I think the thing is to choose your battles. You may find DS wants to live in pull-ups at home but will do pants at nursery (mine was like this for the first half of the year). So it will be a gradual shift to pants.

Don't force it. It will all fall into place. But do try the pads in the pants for school and see how that goes- is my advice. Wink

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 30/07/2018 14:44

The nursery will probably insist that you try, anyway. They’ll help with the training, but they won’t accept “no, we’re leaving him in nappies because he’s not ready yet”.
Why should they?

beachmamma · 30/07/2018 15:38

Some children are not ready , and they absolutely should deal with it -by law

Original poster
MrsRainbowJohnson · 31/07/2018 08:50

Sorry all for late reply. Thank you all for your messages 😊

Ive ordered the dry like me pants. They sound like a great idea!

I bought him yfront little pants but now ive realised he might be peeing in them as they are fitted and cant get them off quick enough. I will be getting him some boxers

I agree. Some support would be great, i hate the idea of forcing him to do something he isnt happy with

OP posts:
Cutesbabasmummy · 31/07/2018 09:13

Boxers are a great idea - that's what we moved on to when we tried pants. You can both do this - and it so nice not to have to change nappies!

CityFarmer · 31/07/2018 11:09

@OP have you asked his Dad to explain toilet training to him and show him. My sons just reacted completely different to their dad taking charge of potty training. Clicked almost immediately. Trained within a week. After hating the idea of sitting on potty.

IceCreamFace · 31/07/2018 12:10

DC's school nursery advises parents just to send them in pants even if they're not potty trained and say they'll just change them whenever they go. I do think this makes the assumption that they're ready for potty training and it'll all be done and dusted quickly. Even among the kids who were officially potty trained there were still a few who had frequent accidents even at the end of nursery and going into reception so I wouldn't panic too much.

Aqua25 · 31/07/2018 19:06

Miv not read all of the above messages but you read potty training books to him? I really helped with training my daughter but i did have the added bonus of seeing other kids using potty/toilets are nursery. She decided she wanted to try a week after her 2nd birthday and in all honesty it was a nightmare because she was too young, it took 4 months to get her trained, she loved reading the pottybooks, Peppa pig toilet seat and knickers, slso id recommend doing nightime training at the same time

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 31/07/2018 19:09

What's the school's policy. DS2 wasn't toilet trained and he only went mornings and I had to sit in the parents' room in case he needed changing.

Original poster
MrsRainbowJohnson · 31/07/2018 22:17

Thank you for all your positive messages, i hope so too 😊

No i havent asked his dad to explain it but we will try tommorow.

I explained to him that if he wants to go to new school and meet new teacher then he has to use his potty all the time. He agreed and said ok.im not putting pressure on him but its taking longer than i thought, nearly a month now.

Ive read a few books to him, we got the reward chart and stickers aswell which he likes. But nighttime training too? His nappy is 100% full when he wakes up.

I called the nursery a while back and the teacher said to me he must be potty trained. My son will be attending morning only too but i wont be able to wait as i have another son who is 1

OP posts:
Since2016 · 31/07/2018 22:21

If the school say he must be potty trained then I suspect they will call you if he needs changing eg. #2 so be prepared for that. It’s not unreasonable for a school nursery.

I’d concentrate on day time for now. My DD is 2.5 and she’s dry for day and naps but night time is a whole other beast that we’re a way off with still!

CardinalCat · 31/07/2018 22:22

Forget about nighttime training for now- the ability to control the bladder during sleep cycles is thought to be hormonal and can't be learned. However daytime training is behavioural and can be learned and I think you should persevere with this- 3 weeks is still quite early days. I thoroughly recommend the Oh Crap book. Maybe go back to nappies for a week or two while you read it and then start afresh. Pull ups used during daytime are very confusing and counter productive btw.

GreenMeerkat · 31/07/2018 22:33

3 weeks is not long at all, and you have another 5 or 6 weeks until school starts so I would play it by ear and see how it goes. Both my DDs took around 2 months to fully potty train and even then they had the occasional accident. I think nursery teachers will be fully prepared for the odd accident, after all they take children who are only just 3, so still very young.

Good luck OP!

notdaddycool · 31/07/2018 22:48

I did a term as a TA during a gap year and remember all too well having to get on and sort out a child in year 2 who regularly pooed himself at the end of lunch break. I guess it depends on the school to an extent but would hope most would be more accommodating than you expect. We used our summer holiday last year to toilet train our eldest. Only took a week, had tried a couple of months earlier and it had been a disaster, he’ll get there. I was pretty anti putting him back in day nappies once we’d started to go for it, I felt it was mixed messages but do what works for you.

Strippervicar · 01/08/2018 06:34

If DS likes Bing there is a book about him catching the toilet train that plays a tune. That helped DD who was just over 3.
Also, a potty watch. If he has the understanding, which he seems to do, it plays a tune every hour/half hour to say time to go.
Sit him on with the ipad. I was bloody desperate for her to sit on the loo.
Took us 5 to 6 month from pullups to going independently.
I feel your pain op.
Nightime, choose the daytime battles first.

LOliver123 · 01/08/2018 06:59

Forget about night time for now. And stop using pull ups, too much like a nappy. Use pants out and about, accidents are all part of the learning. Use the whole month and prioritise it. I must admit I would be really embrassed if the school said must be potty trained and I turned up and said - sorry he isn’t but is attending anyway (and he doesn’t have any SEN). Would feel sorry for the staff - and I wouldn’t like to be earmarked ‘as that parent’. Good luck with it - you have a whole month to crack it!

beepbeep321 · 01/08/2018 07:00

I'm a nursery teacher. It is absolutely part of my job to help children with toiletting and this includes children who are still in pull ups. We do not phone parents when a child needs changing. If a child starts in pull ups then we work with the parents, discussing with them when we think their child is ready. This is usually very quickly.
As for nighttime training. Children have to produce a hormone which stops them weeing when asleep. Until they produce this they will not be dry at night. When your son starts having dry nappies at night...then is the time to work on that one. My son is 5 and a half, and in the last couple of months has finally become dry at night without bed wetting incidents.

There is a potty training thread on here so it might be worth you going over there :)

LotsToThinkOf · 01/08/2018 07:00

You can't 'train' them at night time, it's a hormone which kicks in when it does.

If he's weeing on the potty when you're not in the room then he knows what he should be doing. I think moving the potty around is making him lack the autonomy of going, he knows that you're going to take it to him on regular intervals and therefore if you haven't brought it then he doesn't need to use it.

The Hv sounds like she doesn't know what she's talking about. Putting him in pull ups some of the time is confusing. When he gets the urge to go it feels the same as when he was wearing nappies and so he forgets and just goes where he is. If he was always in pants then he'd soon get used to it.

School nurseries can't legally discriminate against those who aren't yet trained, but at 3 a NT child is capable of using the toilet/potty even if it's not completely reliably in their behaviours. The idea is that they do what everyone else does, if they're not reliable then it won't take too long before they are if everyone is doing the same. The other side of the legal argument is that teachers are already pushed as are the assistants, they're there to teach and dealing with pull ups and nappies takes up their time.

Use pants and trousers, ditch the pull ups and just deal with the accidents as they happen. Put the potty in one place, if you're going out you need a smaller potty or a travel potty which he will get used to, otherwise he soils himself. If he won't use it whilst out then he'll soon get sick of having to get changed. It's annoying and frustratingly but once it's done it's done.

Keep going.

Aqua25 · 01/08/2018 08:43

I only recommended night time too because my daughter has been dry at night for 7 months, she kept having accidents during the day, since i switched her to knickers there have been no accidents day or night. (My experience)

OP do what you feel is right for your child but keep going, as others have said, 3 weeks is too early. Maybe try set an alarm to go off every 15-20 mins to remind him to use the toilet, he may start feeling the sensations of needing to go