Issues with babies father..

[CBates]

So i had a little boy in January,he was born 27+6 so was 3 months early and extremely poorly. I had had abuse from his father all the way through my pregnancy and i tried to make it work for little ones sake. That just didn't work, he would come on to the intensive care unit and call me all sorts of hurtful things(very explict and don’t like repeating them) he would look at our son lay there,really poorly on a ventilator, say that he wasn't his,proceed to shout at me and then leave. He barely visisted but this was what he would do everytime he did visit. He would send me so many nasty messages and call me over 10x a day to give me abuse. He threatened mine and our little boys life and even threatened to take him from me and move to Ireland if he had too. I was soon made aware that little one was to be coming home in a matter of weeks,on oxygen so i took my chance to protect the both of us as much as i could. I went to court and got a non-molestation order granted. Now though i am highly concerned and worried if he decides he wants contact(although he has never bothered beforehand,not even changed a nappy or fed him) its playing on my mind to the point that i am struggling to sleep.
I know your probably thinking its my own silly fault,but i wasn't to know to the extent truly of what him and his family were like,but that soon came to light. I disagree to contact altogether(yes he is on the birth certificate and in his name)BIGGEST mistake of my life! Basically to put it as shortly as i can, his family have a history of drug and alcohol abuse,there is always fighting and none of them are capable to even look after themselves. Little ones dad takes drugs,he’s violent and aggressive, he’s unpredicatble. Both him and his mother have threatened to take me to court for contact, now i’ve read that grandparents don’t really have any rights and its difficult to get contact. However it doesn't stop my concerns or my even bigger concerns over little ones dad, he has taken no part in the physical or emotional care of his son,he’s denied that he is even his dad, he has a very short fuse,the area where he lives is full of drugs and the wrong sort of people,they smoke and have pets in the house(my son has chronic lung disease) him and his father are usually rowing or fighting,little one doesn't know him, he has 2 other children and i have witnessed him not paying attention to them,smoking drugs and fags around them and drinking around them,he tries to get them to fight,he calls their mother nasty names trying get them to go back and tell her,he is very immature and i’m not quite sure how he would cope with a complicated baby(he needs meds,his nasal cannula changed and re-taped,he can also be very fussy when it comes to having his bottle) i generally believe that little one is at risk around him,not only mentally but physically. Due to him dismissing his illness even when he was told by doctors/consultants and nurses. I’m heartbroken at the fact that he could possibly get contact and get to jeopardise all the hard work my little boy and i have put in to get him this far(the hospital gave him 3 days to live,yes it was very serious) and i think i would be gutted if little one had a set back all because he wanted to get one over on me,not caring about the extent of the damage he could possibly cause. I left the area i lived in and moved away so he couldn't find us, now i’m scared for my little boy. I have visions of him returning from his dads and me having to rush him to the hospital because he has done something that has effected his breathing(even crying for too long effects his breathing) he knows none of what to do in this situation because he was never there.
What do you think his chances of getting contact are if i explain this in more detail to a solicitor?
Any advice or anything would be appreciated. I feel at such a loss with it all because i can’t predict what will happen that's if he even takes me to court for contact.
Thankyou in advance

Were SS involved at all? If he was abusive in the NNU did the staff see and take any action? This could be helpful evidence. Keep all messages and voicemails etc and stay well away.

I’m sorry for your stress, it sounds appalling. Despite having his surname (I think?) I’m almost sure you can actually call your son by your own name. I would check that out. I don’t blame you for moving away and hope you have some support now.

Yes they were, due to how he was with me they knew i was being abused. And yes the staff had him thrown out on one occasion and wrote down every incident for me. I have a contract phone too so getting all messages back won’t ever be a problem. Well i thought i could of had his name changed to mine because i was forced into registering him(i tried to put it off until i was alone and go and do it just in my name,but i was pretty much dragged and made to do it)
I’m mainly so distressed because i really do believe little one would be at risk around him especially as he needs alot of care and attention and he has never been around long enough to even understand this.
I’m not 100% that he will even take me to court but its constantly on my mind,i just can’t switch it off. If i’m scared of him i’m certainly not going to let him watch little one so i will fight against all the way. I was just concerned as i have heard even the worst of people still manage to get contact sometimes(i really do hope this isn't the case)
Thankyou for taking the time to reply x

I'm so sorry to hear what you've gone through. No wonder you're stressed.

But it does sound more like a threat than a reality. And even if he did go to court, it sounds like you have plenty of evidence to show why contact should be denied.

It might be worth posting on the relationships board though as more people would have been through similar and can offer better advice. I'm sorry I can't be of more help.

Thankyou for taking the time to reply, i will put up a post there later.
So many people have told me not to be worried because nobody in their right mind would allow him access,i guess its because everything my little one has been through,i just worry alot more.
And no just by replying it helps, makes me feel like i’m not going crazy x

Sending a big hug. I think you have post traumatic stress from all that you have been through - not just the abuse, but all the worry over your baby’s health, and it has left you anxious and on “red alert” all the time, fearing possible harm.
I think, given the non molestation order and all the back up evidence from the hospital staff, police record of him being removed from the unit, and your abusive messages from him, no court would ever allow him free access.
It’s time to try and relax, to stand down from alert status, and start to enjoy time with your baby, be pleased with his progress, congratulate yourself on how well you’re doing.
Try building a bit of a social life, meet other mums, join some baby groups - get a bit of normality and some friends to help take your mind off all the worries.
I doubt the useless man will want to bother getting access - too much like hard work, having to feed and change his child! He probably just threatens it to try and upset you - don’t let him. Don’t waste time and headspace on him. Look forwards and have a lovely life as a mum. God bless, OP.

Open a Word document and put in a table with 3 columns. Save it. First column is date. Second column is what happened. Third column is what happened.

So: 31st July, threatened me by text message. Ignored him.

Keep the text message. Build up your picture. Create a new email address which you keep to yourself. Be creative with the password. At the end of every week, send a copy of the document to your email. Create a folder called ‘Idiot’ and put the email in there.

Give document to Social Worker, CAFCASS Officer, solicitor.

Thankyou. And i did at first i have had counselling,it was very traumatic for me. I do feel like i can relax but only to a certain extent due to the fact of me being concerned over little ones dad, its really difficult because i know by little one seeing him would be a risk to my child, the only reason i worry is because i don't trust him and i know what he is like, he is a very violent man and i do believe little one would be at risk, i fear for my son more than anything. We are home and i am enjoying it. I just have a niggle in the back of my mibd regarding little ones dad that’s all.
He has said multiple times he would take our son and move away where i couldn't find them. But i do enjoy motherhood and every day i have with my miracle baby.
And thankyou for taking time to reply

I have everything written down thoroughly in a book and i always keep it close by, everything from the second i found out i was pregnant up until i had this order on him and still i have to log things of what his mother does(she sends messages to my mum asking me to meet her and saying how would i feel if my son was taken away from me, she is very like her son) i have hospital logs, which they kindly wrote down for me everytime he would kick off on the ward and i have a couple police reports also. I make sure everything even the slightest thing is logged

@CBates
Hope you're alright.
I'm glad you're able to enjoy being with your lo. And that you've got things logged etc.
You may not feel like it but you have so much under control and have taken great steps to protect you and lo. You're doing ok.
Just remember to be kind to yourself too.
I had my first in NICU as she was 5 weeks early. So nowhere near as hard as you but now, more than 10 years on (and dd is absolutely fine, you'd never know she'd had a bad start), I still have the odd difficult day. I even had flashbacks and felt really unwell when I had to visit the hospital recently as it brought it back. So I hope you know how well you're doing. X

You have a real reason to feel anxious, but anxiety and other feelings/thoughts are very common in Women who have had babies born prem/health conditions/SCBU etc. So do speak to your GP, HV or anyone else involved, they will support you.

Report any contact with him were you feel threatened. If you had have said something to the registrar, they would have kept you safe.

I very much doubt that they will get their shit together enough to even keep the appointments, do the paperwork needed for contact. It's a control/mind game.

He would have to do supervised contact for a long time and again, I doubt that he would manage that. There's rules about behaviour in a Contact Center and Men like him can't hold it together long enough.

Your Mother needs to cut contact with his Mother. It's inconvenient, but change your Numbers and phone the Police if she turns up at her door.

Your Son is a very vulnerable child and they won't be left in charge of him.

If the worry continues, consider having a chat with your GP.

It does sound highly unlikely that this man will ever be allowed access to your child that is unsupervised and you are roght to say grnadparents have no legal rights to access. Its toally understandable that you are worried though.

You say you have everything written in a book, please take photos or otherwise keep the things you have written down electronically. If this man can force you to the register office he can tamper with or steal your book.

so sorry for you and believe me no-one is judging you. Men often change once a child is involved and show ther true colours. The whole experience must have been horrific for you.

I was born 5 weeks early!
Its scary being in there isn't it,you learn so much about babies,they are such fighters and they do an amazing job there too. And thankyou so much that means alot @littlebluebird123 X

@CBates
You're welcome.
Yep, definitely amazing to see the work in NICU and see such teeny babies progressing and overcoming difficult situations. X

Thankyou, i have cut all ties with them and the non-molestation order stops him from coming near me without gettin arrested for it,so i feel a little more safe than i did back then. And no he’s not really bothered with little one since the day he was born so in all honesty i am hoping we get left alone, i have seen his life and how he lives and that sort of life isnt healthy for a little boy like mine with his problems.
Thankyou for taking the time to reply @birdsgottafly

I am hoping for no contact at all if it can be helped. He’s a bad person and i don’t say that very often, i’m all for seeing the good in people but there is nothing there. In all honesty i hope he never even takes it to court. He’s a dangerous man and i could never trust him with little one, especially given his history and all my little ones problems aswell.
Thankyou for replying and all incidents are logged electronically too

Just been through cafcass and ime contact is usually offered :(

Does he know where you live? If he doesn’t then it would be pretty hard for him to take you to court?
Based on what you’ve said that most he would get is supervised contact which he would have to pay for and attend regularly to show his commitment. I suspect he’s using going to court just as a threat and is unlikely to actually go through it all as it’s not quick and it takes effort and he’s then unlikely to agree to pay for a contact centre and maintain this.
I think you have a good chance at no contact but it depends whether he acts like a reformed character

@skyejuly ..surely this cannot be the case for all fathers? Surely they won’t put a baby/child in danger just for the sake of it?

@user1493413286
No he doesn't know where we are, he visited that little that he still thinks i am in hospital with little one. He’s not been bothered since the day little one was born.
He has never had patience or the will to stick at something, he let little one down from the get go,often said he would turn up but never did. He drinks alot also so he’s usually in bed until late,my little one has meds too and he has never given them so wouldn't know where to start, espeically if little one pulled his nasal cannula out(which is his new fave thing) you have to re-adjust and re-tape them all whilst little one is fighting you off.
Both him and his family are aggressive and have very short tempers,and he pays no attention to little one when he did visit either(he once sat on his phone in the middle of the ward doing a drug deal)
And well he is very manipulative,but he seems to reveal his true self by the end of it all. In all honesty i’m hoping he just leaves us be,he will only ruin little one like he did to me(i have seen him with his other two children,and its not very good with them either)

What an amazingly strong and brave woman you are. It sounds like you have made some very tough decisions so that you can do the best for your baby. Stay strong, congratulations, and I hope that you and your son get all the good fortune you deserve

It's not the case for all. I just know CAFCASS are very very set on recommending access. Maybe supervised at first but they dopush it x

@Pixiebigshoes
Thankyou that means alot to me, i hope i do too, me and little one both deserve a break surely some good has got to come at some point X

@Skyejuly
Oh i do hope that’s not the case(if it does go to court) x

Sorry to be negative. Just I done lots of giggling and unfortunately my very recent case went against some advice. The laws changed and they nearly always recommend access :(

Googling **