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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Issues with babies father..

51 replies

CBates · 30/07/2018 09:28

So i had a little boy in January,he was born 27+6 so was 3 months early and extremely poorly. I had had abuse from his father all the way through my pregnancy and i tried to make it work for little ones sake. That just didn't work, he would come on to the intensive care unit and call me all sorts of hurtful things(very explict and don’t like repeating them) he would look at our son lay there,really poorly on a ventilator, say that he wasn't his,proceed to shout at me and then leave. He barely visisted but this was what he would do everytime he did visit. He would send me so many nasty messages and call me over 10x a day to give me abuse. He threatened mine and our little boys life and even threatened to take him from me and move to Ireland if he had too. I was soon made aware that little one was to be coming home in a matter of weeks,on oxygen so i took my chance to protect the both of us as much as i could. I went to court and got a non-molestation order granted. Now though i am highly concerned and worried if he decides he wants contact(although he has never bothered beforehand,not even changed a nappy or fed him) its playing on my mind to the point that i am struggling to sleep.
I know your probably thinking its my own silly fault,but i wasn't to know to the extent truly of what him and his family were like,but that soon came to light. I disagree to contact altogether(yes he is on the birth certificate and in his name)BIGGEST mistake of my life! Basically to put it as shortly as i can, his family have a history of drug and alcohol abuse,there is always fighting and none of them are capable to even look after themselves. Little ones dad takes drugs,he’s violent and aggressive, he’s unpredicatble. Both him and his mother have threatened to take me to court for contact, now i’ve read that grandparents don’t really have any rights and its difficult to get contact. However it doesn't stop my concerns or my even bigger concerns over little ones dad, he has taken no part in the physical or emotional care of his son,he’s denied that he is even his dad, he has a very short fuse,the area where he lives is full of drugs and the wrong sort of people,they smoke and have pets in the house(my son has chronic lung disease) him and his father are usually rowing or fighting,little one doesn't know him, he has 2 other children and i have witnessed him not paying attention to them,smoking drugs and fags around them and drinking around them,he tries to get them to fight,he calls their mother nasty names trying get them to go back and tell her,he is very immature and i’m not quite sure how he would cope with a complicated baby(he needs meds,his nasal cannula changed and re-taped,he can also be very fussy when it comes to having his bottle) i generally believe that little one is at risk around him,not only mentally but physically. Due to him dismissing his illness even when he was told by doctors/consultants and nurses. I’m heartbroken at the fact that he could possibly get contact and get to jeopardise all the hard work my little boy and i have put in to get him this far(the hospital gave him 3 days to live,yes it was very serious) and i think i would be gutted if little one had a set back all because he wanted to get one over on me,not caring about the extent of the damage he could possibly cause. I left the area i lived in and moved away so he couldn't find us, now i’m scared for my little boy. I have visions of him returning from his dads and me having to rush him to the hospital because he has done something that has effected his breathing(even crying for too long effects his breathing) he knows none of what to do in this situation because he was never there.
What do you think his chances of getting contact are if i explain this in more detail to a solicitor?
Any advice or anything would be appreciated. I feel at such a loss with it all because i can’t predict what will happen that's if he even takes me to court for contact.
Thankyou in advance

OP posts:
FilthyforFirth · 03/08/2018 15:38

You sound incredibly strong, and a wonderful mother. As everyone said, keep a log of everything, but I can't imagine contact being allowed. Do you have your own family/suppport network around you? Lean on them if you do. Best of luck

CBates · 03/08/2018 19:52

@Skyejuly
I have been reading up and they are getting more and more strict on violent fathers and contact so i really aren't sure, if that’s the case i’m just going have to hope and pray the he doesn't take it to courtSad

OP posts:
CBates · 03/08/2018 19:54

@Filthyforfirth
Thankyou, i do try to be for little ones sake, i’m just so run down by the stress of wondering what could come next. Honestly do not know how i have coped. And many people have told me he shouldn't get contact when considering his issues,his family background and his background also,i just hope your right. And yes my family have been amazing through all of this.
And thankyou x

OP posts:
Skyejuly · 04/08/2018 06:42

Ah yes we are currently in a complaints battle with cafcass as we had numerous proof and police reports of domestic violence etc and he has still got access. I even moved 300miles away.

CBates · 04/08/2018 10:39

@Skyejuly
That is absolutely disgusting! Wouldn’t think professionals would be willing to put a child in such danger! Surely if the mother is frightened of them that would ring alarm bells straight away to me, i think i would disagree all the way no matter what, but my little one is a little more complicated as he suffers will his breathing which if put at risk could obviously be life threatening for him

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MrsAidanTurner · 04/08/2018 13:06

Op with people like this the best thing is be neutral, bland, polite... And fade away....

Absolutely cut contact with anyone on his side 100%. You must get guarantees no one pm your side ever talks to them...keeps in contact or tells them where you you are. Hopefully your living well out of their loop.

If however he ever tried for contact... Obviously you will get advice etc but if anyone ever tried to make you leave him alone with this man... I would threaten papers...

Say you have it all written down... And his life is on their consciousness

Powerless · 04/08/2018 13:09

Were you not given a Prohibited Steps Order? It prevents him from ever removing child from your care despite being on birth certificate. If he ever runs off with child then he's arrested for abduction.

No judge in the land would even hear a case from a father who has acted in this way. At the very worst it would be supervised contact at a Contact Centre

CBates · 04/08/2018 19:05

That’s exactly what i have done, from the second we left the hospital i disappeared, i stay low, sort of in hiding from them all. All my family have cut ties with his family and they are not aware of anything at all right now. Although his mum has sent multiple messages saying ‘how would i feel if he was taken off me’ to me that came across as a threat. She has also threatened to report me for ‘child abuse’ although i rang social myself to say that it was about to be reported and that they were welcome to come and check whenever they liked(they have zero concerns) and i would fight against contact with everything i have, i do honestly believe little one would be at serious risk around him/his family members and i will take it as high as i possibly can to prevent little one from being damaged, he has been through enough already. Thankyou for your advice @MrsAidanTurner

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CBates · 04/08/2018 19:09

@Powerless
Yes i was offered to go for it but my solicitor advised me to hold off because going for a pso also opens a door for contact and she said in effect it would be helping him, especially because he may not even go for contact. If however he did,then that’s the first thing i would want doing because he has threatened to take little one and even sent me a message stating ‘we would both be lucky if we ever got to see him again after he was finished’
And i’m hoping he doesn't even apply for contact if i’m honest, he tells his other children to call his ex partner vile names so i can imagine the things he would say to my little one, he is honestly a disgusting human

OP posts:
Powerless · 04/08/2018 19:18

@CBates What your solicitor said is deplorable!!!! You NEED a PSO! It is protection from exactly what he is threatening! Don't even worry about contact! Your biggest worry is him snatching your child! I'm sorry to be blunt but if he was to take your child from Nursery (which he's entitled to do without a PSO) or even come and physically grab them out of your arms then there is ZERO the Police can do without a PSO.

Please call NCDV and get some proper advice!

Skyejuly · 04/08/2018 19:35

They will try and protect you but worth as much use as a chocolate teapot. My son is also severely disabled. They had first contact today and we ended up making security measures ourself. Hugs xx

BlackberryandNettle · 04/08/2018 20:25

I'm so sorry to read this, you've been through so much. I've no practical advice with legal stuff, sorry, I would involve your gp as much as possible though, see if you can get counselling, get on record how much anxiety harassment is causing you.

Keep going with being such a fab mum - a friend had a very premium baby, on oxygen for 9 months, it took a while but he's now tall and strong and very bright, about to start school.

I would resist answering any messages from the dad or family, look into changing brith certificate name and name on all records to your surname.

This is a guess but the bloke sounds useless as well as nasty and I wonder if he could get his act together enough to go to court.

BlackberryandNettle · 04/08/2018 20:26
  • premature not premium...!
MrsAidanTurner · 04/08/2018 20:57

powerless

In this sort of situation.. And the advice you have just given... I wonder are you a judge, social worker or solicitor in this area....

CBates · 04/08/2018 21:12

@Powerless
They said as little one gets bigger and isn't in my care 24/7 then they would advise me to get one just to be on the safe side, but it does open up doors for contact which i really didn't want. To be honest he isn't really bothered about little one and hasn't been since he was born,yes he has threatened to take him which is why i moved us out of the area where we can’t be found, he’s totally unaware of our whereabouts. At the moment i’m trying to take it day by day,little one is with me constantly(not ever out of my sight) and he won’t be going to nursery for a long time because i would rather know he is safe with me as i can pick up signs of him working hard to breathe, when he starts nursery/school then i will be making sure all these precautions are in place not only for piece of mind but mainly for little ones safety, i have spoke to many people and they have said if i really don’t want contact then i should take it day by day, we are protected and he can’t find us so unless he either found out or took me to court we are quite safe for now. But i will be getting a pso before little one starts any sort of nursery or school because i wouldn't put anything past him!

OP posts:
CBates · 04/08/2018 21:14

@Skyejuly
Some protection that! I think its so wrong, if there are obvious reasons and concern coming from a mother surely they should listen, i’m pretty sure they wouldn't put their children in any sort of bad situation so why they have the right to allow it to somebody else’s is beyond me! (Hugs)

OP posts:
CBates · 04/08/2018 21:19

@BlackberryandNettle
I already have counselling for it all, i have another appointment shortly to discuss it all too so i will be sure to explain all of this to them. And aww,how lovely,its amazing how strong they really are,my little one still needs his oxygen too for now,hoping he can kick it at some point bless him. All of his family members are blocked and get ignored if they message othe people(which they should not be doing anyway) and i am doing my best to look into having his name changed,so fingers crossed i can get somewhere atleast! And he is honestly the most horrible man i have ever met in my life, and no he wouldn't get his act together he would turn up at court the same person and not even be bothered!

OP posts:
Powerless · 04/08/2018 21:28

@CBates How on earth does it open up doors for contact?

I have a NMO & PSO against DD's Dad and 2 years later he still hasn't seen her??? It's has the exact opposite effect!

CBates · 04/08/2018 21:54

@Powerless
See i was told totally different,apparently according to the solicitor i spoke to if you apply for a pso it gives the father opportunity to then go for contact..
I’ll get on to this first thing Monday morning if having the order doesn't open doors for contact. Thankyou so much!

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MrsAidanTurner · 04/08/2018 21:59

Op I disagree... Powerless situation maybe totally different to yours.....

It sounds like your ex really is lazy and all talk.. If you can fade away...

CBates · 04/08/2018 22:07

@MrsAidanTurner
Thankyou, yes your right what could happen for one may not happen for the other. I thought that surely if i was warned by a solicitor it could open up a door for contact then she couldn't of been lying..i would rather not open any door for contact considering..
And that’s what i intend to do, fade away..and hope he never bothers

OP posts:
CBates · 04/08/2018 22:09

@Powerless
I would rather be 100% certain its not going to open up a door for contact before i jumped into anything, i have been offered the pso but because i’ve moved away and he’s unaware of where we are they don’t class little one as at massive risk but my solcitor did advise me to keep it in mind incase he ever did go for contact

OP posts:
fannyanddick · 04/08/2018 23:05

It I was in your situation and didn't have anything (family, job etc) to keep me where I was, then I would be tempted to move a long distance away and not tell anyone where you are. Like if you're in London, move to Scotland. Not sure if this is good advice esp. if it takes you away from family. But that way at least if they ever did apply for, and get contact, you could insist that they have to do all the travelling. And they probably wouldn't bother.

CBates · 05/08/2018 07:11

@fannyanddick
To be honest i was seriously considering doing that. I have been looking at homes away from here, my family would travel to see me so that wouldn't be an issue. And i’m not too sure if he would bother either way,its just the waiting for something to happen i can’t stand. Its like even though i have escaped from it all he somehow still has a part in making me stress,don’t get me wrong i am scared for myself but my main concern is my little one

OP posts:
MrsAidanTurner · 05/08/2018 20:17

In my limited experience people like your ex have busy chaotic lives.

If you can keep out of sight and mind, and not spark his interests or involvement you should be able to fade away. In my experience, seeing you or hearing about you could spark interest and interlude... Probably fade away again but when your dealing with volatile characters... Best never to poke the hornets nest. Good luck op. Do try and relax.