To ask if anyone has any regrets about deciding to have a 3rd child?

[OhMyGawsh]

Before I get flamed, I know you could never regret a child. DH & I would love a 3rd child but if we do decide to, money will definitely be that bit tighter. I don't work at the moment due predominantly to where we are located and DH's huge work commitments. It makes financial sense for me to take care of our 2 DC at the moment. So in the back of my mind, I'm thinking, there will be a time when I'll be earning again so although things would be tight right now, I'd like to think they wouldn't be so tight in a few years.

I'd love to hear from people who were wary of having a 3rd but went on to have one and whether with hindsight, they would make the same choice if they could go back.

Mybreadiseggy are you living in MQs or do you own a house?

Three kids is hard work!

Everything is so much more expensive, holidays etc.

My youngest is 18 months now and it's getting easier, but it's been a tough 18 months. Our marriage has suffered and we are all exhausted and stretched in every way.

We don't have family help but we have a nanny and school/nursery and it's still hard.

I had no idea how hard it was going to be (and will be going forwards).

Raising three babies into great kids/teenagers/adults is going to be a major juggling act.

I wouldn't change it now, and DC3 is the easiest baby/toddler, but I'd advise other people to think carefully before going for a third.

I should point out as well that we only went for a third knowing we have a big enough house, big enough car and savings behind us.

I had a third after a big gap. Spent the pregnancy convinced I had made a dreadful mistake. She's here now and wonderful - yes, it's tricky sometimes managing all three of them (now 13, nearly 11 and nearly 3), especially because my older two are not always the easiest, but they absolutely adore her and have from day one, and she's just wonderful.

There's a big 'but' with this, though. I have a holy-grail type of career that allows me to work flexibly from home (currently freelance, did do it as an employee for years, though), with odd days working elsewhere that dh can manage thanks to flexitime, and is also interesting and fairly well-paid. I think things might look different if I had childcare issues to struggle with. Plus we're financially OK and have modest savings.

I think you have two options if you really want a third. Either go for it now and take the hit for a few years then re-enter the workforce in your mid-late 30s (if your dh is in the military there is a degree of being looked after financially and socially, no? so you should be OK during that time?) or wait a few years (you have lots of time - I had mine at 28, 30 and 38).

We “accidentally” have 3. We aimed for two, but the second pregnancy was twins.

Kids are really young - the twins are only 1. I love them to bits, but we really struggle with three kids. Hopefully it’ll get easier in the future. But I find it exhausting and stressful.

regret is the wrong word, because i love all of my children, but its very difficult and i just cannot take the three out together because they argue and bicker and I find it massively stressful. I can do two at a time in any combination, but the dynamic of a third changes everything. I spend a lot of time either not going out, or having to enlist my mum to help.
I often wish id stuck at two, but then i wouldnt have my daughter and that is unthinkable now. I often feel like im trapped in a cage. I feel like this is the life i signed up for, even though obviously i didnt know that any of them would have additional needs, and it turns out they all do. I find life a mixture of difficult and boring.

I've got six children. I had three a in 2.5 years, then a four year gap and I was so broody I had another three.

By the way, my youngest is almost ten and if they want a car then they'll be buying their own, the oldest children have already worked out that if they want something they need to work damn hard cos I'm definitely not a bank. Not saying I don't help them out but I'm not in a position to pay for everything.

I wanted a third but never have. My (now) ExH didn't want a third. We have twins in my family. He thought three would be manageable but four a definite 'no'.

My ExH changed his mind and agreed to a third ( at the same time as having an affair - unbeknown to me). By this time thankfully I wasn't so sure so we didn't go ahead. I was mighty relieved when the marriage ended not to be left with an 18month old, 3 year old and a new baby.

In your circumstances no, I wouldn't. What happens when number 3 doesn't make you feel complete will there be number 4, 5 etc?

Given you don't work, money is already tight and don't own a stable home then it would be unfair on the existing children.

What happens if you split or worse? You don't have the means to support yourself let alone numerous children. You have no safety net whatsoever.

We made a decision to have number three when DH had his own business and things were going well.Both of us one of three so our family felt small and incomplete with just two.Shortly after the country plunged into recession,DH lost his business through no fault of his own,we had to sell our lovely recently extended house .It was tough but we got through it. Just as things got comfortable again he was made redundant ,so I started a busines that kept us both employed and afloat.DCs all grown up with good jobs and their own houses -we live in a relatively cheaper part of the country-and I'm immensly proud of them all.And love the dynamics between them.I'd be lying though if at times I haven't thought that life would have been easier financially with just two.University years were particularly expensive ,but we wanted to help out.We certainly won't be wealthy pensioners ,but then I didn't know my pension age would suddenly shift by 6 years !But DC has in many ways been the easiest personality wise,and a delight to spend time with so how can I ever regret that ?You make your decisions than its futile to think what if really.And if I'm honest if we hadn't gone straight on to have number 3 I would have been wanting another one at a later stage,and I'm really glad they are close in age.

How would you feel if the third turned out to be twins? That's what happened to us.

Branleuse that's exactly how it is for us as well and I feel much the same as you do. The dynamic shifted as soon as I bought DS3 home from hospital really. Maybe that's in my head but looking back the relationship between DS1 and DD2 definitely changed.

It is good, honestly it is, and I'm so proud of them but managing the jealousy alone (in my house at least) is a job in itself. "He/she is obviously the favourite!" is a constant refrain. But I wonder if that would happen with two as well given their personalities...

You’re so young! My third is a wonderful baby and I adore her but I can see the cost is going to be crippling in years to come.

I’ll never regret her though a fourth may finish me off.

I was so broody for a while. Absolutely convinced I was desperate to have another child. The reality of having another child though would have been tough. We live in a very small house with no potential to move and only possibly to extend. I would have only been able to take a month off work which wouldn't have been ideal at all. I actually cried one night at the though of not being able to have another child. Then we went on holiday and the broody feeling totally disappeared. Both my kids can do things for themselves now and when I thought of going back to the baby stage and all the things that become more difficult with a baby, I decided it wasn't the right thing for us. If we lived in a bigger house and I didn't have the job I do I would have done it though. I really wish I could be a sham but we just can't afford that, so two will have to do.

As pp's have said, if you're not in a strong place financially then it stands to reason you may find having a third child a struggle.
I'm a single mum to two dc's, and, when I had my two I never dreamed I'd be left on my own (when they were still only babies/toddlers) to raise and support them. I thought my little family unit was secure until my ex buggered off and had another family and gave hardly any help, including financially, to our dc's.
I'm not at all saying that you will part ways with your dh OP, but you really do have to consider whether you could support three children yourself should you ever be in that situation.

I'm proud of the way I've bought my two dc up, but I'm glad I didn't struggle with three dc.

Shes wonderful, we love her, wouldnt be without her, yada yada yada, but... We regret the decision to have a 3rd.
We have a very similar set up to you, I'm a couple years older, kids are now 6, 3 and 2 and it's nearly broken us. Nothing is geared up to 3 kids, everything comes in sets of 2s, it is expensive. Jumping from 2 to 3 has been huge for us. Also destroyed my body.

Whilst all the kids are healthy and happy, no 3 is complete handful, she's been incredibly quick to learn everything (walk, talk etc) but is the most angry unreasonable child I've ever come across. She has pushed us all to our limits and really strained the marriage. Our entire family revolves around stopping her going nuts. She is utterly crap at sleeping too. We've had a lot of uphevel since she was born (dh new job, moving house, moving schools, dm death) so all the stress has been even more hard to deal with. Nobody wants to look after/babysit 3 young kids.

All that said, i love having a 'pack' running round with me and i think in a few years it will be easier. We couldn't have known how difficult she would have been but in hindsight we would have stopped at 2.

Are you wanting a third because you have 2 of 1 sex and want the other sex too?

Seriously - don't do it. 3 is far more expensive when they're kids and yo7 have fewer resources then to help them out as young adults. Obviously you don't regret the person themselves once they're here.

I've just had no. 3, after having said years ago we'd stop at 2 (others are 7 and 10) .
I look at my beautiful little baby girl every day and wonder why I ever doubted having her.
It does mean I won't go back to work for another 3-4 years rather than now, it means I again won't have an adult social life for a few more years, I'm an avid runner but I haven't put my trainers on for over a year and probably another year to go until I do , but honestly, every time I look her, she is worth every single sacrifice

I wanted 3 and had 3 with 3 year age gaps. Dd1 is 16, dd2 is 13 and ds is forever 10. We were on a very low income at the time of having number 3. I never thought about money to be honest when deciding to have kids. It all seems to work itself out in the end.

I had this crazy hormonal urge for a third but am so grateful DH said no. Mum had 3 and told me to stop at 2. Friend had 3 and said the same. Old school colleague had 3 and husband walked out. I'm sure 3 or more is wonderful for some but not for all.

I had 3 in quick succession and didn't think about it a great deal beforehand tbh - we had agreed that we would like 3 and we didn't want big age gaps. There are big positives - they are very close, they play together, we have lots of fun, we can just about play rounders (important!), they are wonderful, 3 times the pride, love and joy.............I definitely wouldn't change anything, dc3 has brought a lot of happiness with him and the thought of not having him is appalling (obviously I feel like this about dcs 1 and 2 as well, but focusing on 3 as he is the one we wouldn't have had if we'd stopped at 2).

It can be very hard at times and it is very expensive - you don't really realise about the latter until quite a bit later on, so anyone saying that it isn't hasn't reached that part yet!

I had 3 under 3 and I managed to get out and about with dcs 1 and 2, but struggled a lot more once we had dc3 - dc2 particularly was a very difficult toddler and I found myself in some very tricky situations trying to handle her, plus dc1 (easier, but still very little himself) and a baby in a pram/sling or who needed feeding/consoling (reflux). We spent a lot more time at home and they watched more tv than I would have liked. Some of this may well be down to age gaps, rather than simply number of dc though!

We needed a huge car and still do really, though it isn't quite so huge (swapped a sharan for a touran), as they were all in car seats until very recently. You still need a big car once they start coming out of car seats, as they get bigger and need more space, plus a big boot for all the luggage when you go away (and for your golden retriever in our case). If you want them to have a bedroom each then you need at least 4 beds, or 5 if you want a spare, which in our case meant a significant compromise on garden size - we started out in a 2 bed cottage where they all shared, but obviously this couldn't be a long term home.

It can be awkward to find suitable holiday accommodation, particularly in hotels. We have had to choose between a limited selection of hotels that can accommodate 5 in a room or separating into 2 rooms. The latter isn't such a bad option now they are a bit older (especially as the split is naturally 1 with me and 2 with dh, as we have 2 ds and 1 dd), but it is very expensive! There is the extra airfare too - we are creeping up towards having to pay the higher fare for the dc (2 years left before the eldest is 12) so are trying to do more long haul now before it gets even more expensive! We love to travel and still do, but there is clearly a huge cost difference between travel with 2dc and travel with 3dc - I've never added it up and don't plan to!

Ours go to a private school, so obviously that's another set of fees, plus everything else you have to pay for, activities and so on. Even if you don't go private, you have to triple everything - our swimming bill in particular makes me wince every time I pay it. Schools shoes x3, trainers for school x3, trainers for home x3, wellies x3.........and they grow and grow! They also lose things, which drives me mad, especially flipping school blazers! £15 each for a new water bottle last term and one of them is lost within the first week. Forgot about the music lessons x5 (an instrument each, plus singing for 2 of them). It goes on and on. We are fairly well off and definitely feel the strain at times - we do lead a fairly middle class lifestyle with travel, private school, music lessons, etc, none of which is strictly necessary, but you do need to think carefully about the lifestyle you want and multiply everything by 3, rather than 2 - it adds up significantly!

Making sure all needs are met and all have individual time with me/dh can be challenging - we try very hard and it can be draining at times. I haven't gone back to work, partly so I can go to everything I need to at school without any trouble, drop them off, pick them up, ferry them around to all their activities, help with homework, etc, and also to try and make the most of the time I have with them - it already feels very rushed and chaotic during term time, adding work for me feels like too much. I miss working sometimes - career is definitely something to consider carefully when thinking about adding to your family.

Lastly, I don't think it has been brilliant for my health - 3 pregnancies in quick succession (and c sections), with bf into each subsequent pregnancy too and to 22 months with dc3. It was very hard indeed on my body and I am still trying to get back on track (youngest nearly 7). Also, mental health - occasionally I am quite stressed, sometimes I am anxious, often I am exhausted.

I sometimes look wistfully at families with 2dc and think how much easier it could have been, BUT I would never change it. I've been very honest about the hardships above, but it doesn't feel like that everyday, in fact most of the time it fantastic and full of fun. Good luck with your decision op - I do think that once you have 2 adding to your family is a leap of faith, it's not sensible really, but I do find it very rewarding (most of the time).

Is op ever going to have her own home, though?

Some people won’t.

Personally it would be the impact on existing children - financial and emotional - I’d be concerned about.

Also, I’m not saying this to be a dick but you won’t get any tax credits for a third.

I had no3 just before I was 30. We were skint when we had him but managed perfectly fine. We don’t have savings either and never really have. Fair enough, we’ve never really bought our kids loads of brand new clothes, they’ve always been predominantly hand me downs but it worked for us. We lived in a 3 bed x council semi and did have a lot of debt but we managed. Fast forward 7 years and we now have 2 more kids, money is better now as I returned to work. I work hours that fit around when my husband is home (difficult when your husband is a soldier perhaps) and his salary has naturally increased over the years too. We’ve also recently moved to a bigger house with 5 kids in tow. It’s hard having no child care help; I don’t have anyone so all my appointments are timed around school/nursery or when H is home. 3 kids can be done if money is tight, you will find a way.

£15 each for a new water bottle last term

Wtf! Were they made of gold? You paid £45 for bottles?! You were robbed!

sugar I know you can get them a lot cheaper and I have in the past, but my dc always complain about the cheap ones making the water taste horrible, so I got them nice ones...........might not bother again though!