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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's actually impossible to be your best self when you're tired and stressed?

32 replies

Nannyplumshairstyle · 29/07/2018 20:28

It seems that society expects me to be a good friend, wife, employee, mum, sister, niece, calm, rational, mindful and healthy person while I am trying to spin so many domestic plates.
I can't be. I'm tired, stressed, overloaded and living on sugar and caffeine to get me through.
If I had time/ money to go to Pilates, meditation classes, plan a healthy diet, childcare, cleaner, time for myself. I might have an ounce of space in my mind for myself but as it is everyone gets the frazzled short tempered version of me. My life's not extraordinarily stressful just the normal stresses.

How does anyone manage to be nice/ pleasing people once they've had kids!?

OP posts:
Faster · 29/07/2018 20:29

By turning off social media.
It’s all lies.

peoplearemean · 29/07/2018 21:32

I hear you. I am constantly stressed with work at present and I find it so hard to switch off I either am horrible to people or cry. Nothing is going to change this in the short term. I need to lose weight, I need to exercise, I need to sort my house out. At present it's just about survival. I feel your pain and I wish more people were honest.

manaftermidnight · 29/07/2018 21:41

I think "society" just expects you to be an average human being not causing any trouble for anyone else, as far as you can manage.

NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking · 29/07/2018 21:43

I think your perceptions of what society expects is the biggest issue.

No one is on top of everything (that I know of anyway) we’re all mostly just winging it.

Chuggachuggatoottoot · 29/07/2018 21:45

Yes I hear you. I find it in particular when I'm around dh's family that I can't get short tempered or they'll think I'm a cow. I'm sure they don't but it's that feeling that you can't quite truly be yourself.

PenelopeChipShop · 29/07/2018 21:51

Omg I couldn’t agree more. I find such a staggering difference in my ability to cope with everything when I have even a slight increase in help/support/childcare!!

In particular my mum is always banging on about the state of my house (Loads needs doing to it) and I feel like screaming ‘I am a working single mum to two kids under 6, when do you think I have the time to paint my walls, I’m impressed if I week goes by when i’ve hoovered AND cleaned the bathroom!!!!!!!!’

PenelopeChipShop · 29/07/2018 21:53

Also agreee that ‘social mums’ with their hashtags about being blessed, married, on holibobs, or loving their mumcrews can fuck the fuck off to the other side of fucksville.

glintandglide · 29/07/2018 21:53

Yanbu. I don’t even think it’s society expecting perfection, sometimes it’s hard enough to meet basic standards. I haven’t been able to arrange a dental check up for a year, or a call to a mortgage broker for 6 weeks. Crazy

FrozenMargarita17 · 29/07/2018 21:55

I hear you OP. I feel like I give and give and nobody gives back. My husband went away this weekend for a hobby weekend. I am quite ill, dd is also ill and I've tried to keep on top of everything despite this (including washing, looking after dd who is a terrible sleeper, keeping house tidy, looking after dog, cooking etc) and today when he came home he got pissed off because he was 'underwhelmed' with my reaction to him being back. I'm shattered, stressed, poorly with no voice and my hello wasn't good enough.

My mum also said to me this weekend 'what happened to slimming world' and moved the biscuits away from me. Then said 'the house doesn't look like it does in the estate agent picture anymore does it!'

I give up!

Doodlekitty · 29/07/2018 21:56

This post actually brought a tear to my eyes. I totally get where you are coming from. I have 2 kids and work full time and I have nothing left to give. Nothing.
Maybe I do need to step away from social media as it does make me feel like an utter failure

TooStressyForMyOwnGood · 29/07/2018 21:58

Yes you are so right OP! The only thing I have found that genuinely makes me nearer to my ‘best self’ is regular child free time. This of course is more realistic for some than others.

Original poster
Nannyplumshairstyle · 29/07/2018 22:28

Thanks for the solidarity all. I think I need a social media break, maybe that's contributing. Im just so pissed off with hearing so much self care stuff. Yes I'd love nothing more than to be in the luxurious position of sitting down with a herbal tea, reading a book and calming down ready to give people my all but it's not going to happen in the foreseeable future.

OP posts:
TooStressyForMyOwnGood · 29/07/2018 22:32

My children are at the stage where I do get some time to myself now, but one brilliant piece of advice I got when they were tiny is to find the self care where you can. So you are not going to get a spa day, or a luxurious bath or sit with herbal tea reading a book. But perhaps you can have your herbal tea and sit for 5 minutes, or if that is not feasible stand at the kitchen counter and really enjoy drinking it for one or two minutes. That really helped me. It is still shit though.

iklboo · 29/07/2018 22:34

I sometimes feel there are two 'me'. The one on the outside doing all the fronting and the one on the inside quietly screaming that's it's all not okay.

I know I should speak up but I feel so many people depend on me to be the one stepping up it'd all fall apart if I didn't.

Abitlost2015 · 29/07/2018 22:44

I think we must accept our worst self as well as our best as the two live together and show up from time to time.

Lethaldrizzle · 29/07/2018 22:46

Give up sugar and caffeine?

TooStressyForMyOwnGood · 29/07/2018 22:51

Give up caffeine!!!! Then people really would see my worst self.

Onynx · 29/07/2018 22:54

@Lethaldrizzle I gave up caffeine for a brief spell. People were making coffee & ASKING me to drink it😂😂

Lethaldrizzle · 29/07/2018 22:56

Ok get a cleaner. There are usually changes one can make to lessen the stress.

Original poster
Nannyplumshairstyle · 29/07/2018 23:05

TooStressyForMyOwnGood Yes!

OP posts:
megletthesecond · 29/07/2018 23:12

If I showed my worst self and the fact that it's not ok I'd be signed off work for ages. It's not worth the risk to my finances Sad.

notthisagain83 · 29/07/2018 23:13

I'm not a big stress head but recently I've gone a bit mental... walking works for me.. I'm lucky there is a gym at the bottom of the road I work on so I go during my lunch breaks as this helps me stop thinking about everything for an hour.. also as soon as I get home from work (around 6:30) before I sit down I do two household chores (tidy front room, clean kitchen, wipe down bathroom, put washing on/away) this helps me stay on top of it all and then the rest of the evening I chill.

Musicalmistress · 29/07/2018 23:53

Are you me? If you find some useful ideas please let me know!!

TotHappy · 30/07/2018 00:15

Just typed a long message. Can't be arsed to retype now
basically, me too! I feel like i am failing on all fronts - not catastrophically failing but not being the mum, sister, wife, house keeper, employee or friend I would like to be and know I could be. Hate it.

Mondkind · 30/07/2018 06:39

Here is the issue: you need to give up trying to be nice to people. It's hard when you have conditioned yourself to be everything to everyone all your life, but my goodness, it's liberating when you realise that people still like you when you're majorly flawed. Paradoxically, people will like you more. People hate little Miss Perfect, because little Miss Perfect reminds them of their own flaws and makes them jealous. You don't need to become a total ass, just try being more selfish with a less than perfect home. It works Smile