Please help me with learning to drive. I'm at my wit's end :(

[Holdonnow]

Ever since my teen years I've tried to crack driving without success. When I was in my late teens I went for 2 tests, didn't pass either and then shelved the whole idea for years out of fear. Gave it another stab in my mid-20s, made some progress then let it tail off. I've now had the most solid, regular chunk of lessons and had booked a test in, only to find that as the test date approaches I've steadily become more and more anxious and today, one week out from the test, my instructor told me she doesn't think I'm ready and I should just push it back.

I could've cried there and then, I was so upset. I've really tried to push through my anxieties around driving but I seem to make a lot of mistakes still, and I also get anxious with being watched and appraised. When I've driven with family members, I feel so much more relaxed, but I know that's not really much help because the test itself is exactly that, being watched and appraised!

I don't know what to do now. I'm scared I'll just give up and then it'll be years before I pluck up the courage to even attempt getting to this level again. I feel so down about not being able to master something most people consider so basic and it's holding me back in many areas of life e.g. I don't want to TTC before I can drive on my own because shlepping a baby around on unreliable buses is just not feasible around where I live.

Was anyone like me and got through it somehow? Would really appreciate some tips or positive stories.

I was a very very nervous learner. I had over 70 hours of lessons before I took my test and I was still a nervous wreck. I ended up passing first time. My ex husband was much more confident and took three tries to pass.

I think you just have to run with it. Take the test, knowing you'll probably fail (it's nothing to be ashamed of! SO many people have multiple fails). The next time it will be a bit easier, and the next, until you crack it. Expensive, sure, but you'll get there.

I will be following this! I have 4 kids and really need to drive as I struggle to get around. Ive tried over the years but always given up. Im worried I may just not be cut out for driving?! I cant even master the theory test

I was like you, probably even worse tbh. It took me 5 years and 9 tests to pass. The first year of driving on my own was terrifying but now I love driving and can go up and down the country no problems and no accidents. I’ve even taught my dh to drive. I suspect like me your issue is psychological. Seems like you might have a driving anxiety. You need an instructor that beleives in you and won’t let you give up. There are a few options for dealing with the anxiety. You can try the medicinal route or cognitive therapy or even hypnotherapy. Someone wrote a book called L of a way to pass which might help you.

It took me for ever. The test I passed was my seventh, I had beta blockers in the end because I got so nervous. You will pass in the end. And it will be completely worth it.

I also told myself that I was never going to give up and that Id take as many tests as necessary.

I think that experience is the key. The more practice you get, the less anxious you will feel. Some people need more lessons and practice than others, but that's nothing to be ashamed of. Just keep going until you feel ready! I know someone who passed on her 17th attempt and her driving is fine.

I’m in a similar position I have 2 kids one with special needs I NEED to drive but I just can’t do it.
I’ve had so many lessons firstly in my early 20s then again in my late 20s/early 30s both times I was utterly useless. I am going to be starting lessons again in sept and I’m already feeling physically sick about the whole thing.

A friend of mine took 5 attempts to pass her test as she got so nervous each time. She did pass eventually though and has had absolutely no issues with driving since.

When I was learning, I took my first test at 17 and was a bag of nerves. I failed because I did things I wouldn't normally due to my nerves. When I went to do it the second time, just a few months later, I told myself it was a practice test and I could use the results with my instructor to work on the things I needed more practice on. It must have calmed me because I passed the second test!

Can you tell yourself it's a practice test to see what you need to work on? That way, the pressure might be off.

With my second test, I also didn't tell anyone I was doing it (not even my parents - I just paid myself out of my weekend job earnings so I wouldn't have to ask them for the money and give myself away!). I think that also helped but realise you may have told people already.

Good luck - I would sit the test you have booked as even if you don't pass, you have had a bit more practice being assessed.

Another thought, depending on who you are learning with, can you arrange to go out with a different instructor from the company for a mock test? That way, you have a bit more practice being assessed by someone you don't know?

Took me 8 attempts to pass mine! I was rubbish and havent driven since but perseverence is key. Dont see it as a one off shot. Just see it as i can go this again.

Also rescue remedy before hand. Was a life saver.

I had a dozen tests before passing. I’m very intellectual so I struggled with driving as it’s a practical skill where the rules aren’t always fixed. It took me a long time to learn to look, judge and adapt to circumstances. And I’d make a mistake then feel crap and get anxious. I had to learn to let go of mistakes. My instructor said as long as there wasn’t an accident then don’t think about it any more.

My anxiety about being appraised was eventually calmed by just letting go of the hope of passing. I promised myself four “practice” tests before the real test and told myself it didn’t matter if I failed the practice. I walked into the test with the full expectation of failing and learning from it. And I passed the second practice test

I passed five years ago and I still make mistakes. Everyone does. But once you’ve passed your test the mistakes usually no longer matter. It’s impossible as a learner to put in the hours required to “master” driving. That only happens after you’ve passed and you spend two hours every day driving to work for months on end. The test is just about demonstrating a minimum level of understanding to be allowed on the roads so you can start building up those hundreds of hours to actually master driving.

5th timer here. Within a year I was driving 60k miles a year for work. I pretended I was a taxi driver on my successful test. Keep going - you will get there!

Keep going! I passed on my 5th test and after my 4th I wanted to give up but my Mum made me keep going. Am so glad she did! Hated driving to start with but you get more confident the more you do it.

Have you done a mock test with your instructor? If so how did that go?

The more you think about it the more time you have to become anxious- would it work better for you to try and get a cancellation (within a couple of days) and do your test that way?
You can take your driving instructor on the test with you if that would help?

You should definitely try the test, if it doesn’t go well and you don’t pass then at least you’ll know what to expect next time which might help you become less anxious.

I just failed my second test, keep going, you are definitely not alone. I am keeping my chin up and booking another, you can join me and we will go through this together!

There is no reason why you can't be just as good as anyone else on the road. I have faith in you x

Have you tried driving an automatic? It's so much easier than a manual, and cars are so much better now than they used to be

I had numerous attempts before finally passing, I just got so nervous during the test even though my driving was fine otherwise.

Have you considered switching to an automatic? We have two automatic cars now (can both drive manual cars), I can’t really understand why we in the UK don’t drive them more. It would give you one less thing to worry about, no hill starts, no gear changes, you can just focus on driving.

It would mean you can only drive an automatic, but they are a lot more available these days.

Second trying an automatic imo coordinating and controlling gears is the hardest part of driving a manual car

I know someone who used their own car for the test and had one of the parents in the car during the test. That helped.

Agree, I think you can take a test which only qualifies you for an automatic - but that’s not a problem as you’ll then only drive automatics.

I wasn't great at learning to drive but definitely not awful but I was absolutely crap at taking driving tests due to crippling anxiety. I took four attempts (well five if you count the time I couldn't even do the driving bit as I was so nervous I failed the number plate reading bit!) Like the PPs have said treat the test as a practice and the following one/s if needed. Be firm with your instructor and insist that you want the experience of the test and change instructors if needed. Good luck and do not stop now you have started again, you can do this

I was also a nervous driver during my exams (despite being confident during lessons and confident now). I find that concentrating on my breathing, and dissociating myself from my emotions worked - I just concentrated on breathing slowly and keeping the driving process very mechanical (i.e. looking ahead, checking mirrors, slowly shifting gear etc.). I felt like by taking things a little slower I seemed more in control.

Perhaps you could try some therapy or mindfulness sessions? Alexander Technique worked for me when I was younger (I used to perform in concerts and would get nervous)

Hey there! I was like you, an extremely anxious driver, terrified of everything, went through 3 instructors in total :0 so I passed my theory first time (yay me) and from then on it was awful :( I didn't get on at all with my first two instructors, they made me feel nervous and crap at driving, had no patience and didn't put me at ease (find the right one for you!) so instead after two years of on off crappy driving, I then bought a rubbish car and drove my bf everywhere which really helped my confidence, I then did a few xtra lessons with and amazing instructor and he pulled me through the test.

Don't be too had on yourself, I felt super crappy after failing my test 'ahem' three times, I passed the month before my theory was due to run out.

The week before I was due to take my test in my own car I unfortunately crashed it which really dented my confidence, I brushed myself down, and sucked it up for my fourth test a week later and passed!

The amount of times I just sat and cried at the amount of money I'd spend and how many times I'd failed. It'll be okay! You'll get there eventuallly, I never thought I'd be driving! Xx

Please stick with it. It is literally life changing. It opens up possibilities work wise, and being able to nip to the shops, do school drop offs and pop round to see family/friends, it really does make a difference to your life.

I started learning when I was 38, spent a year and half driving my instructor insane (the man had the patience of a saint). I failed miserably at every single mock test he set me and I thought I’d never have the confidence to pass! We live in a big city with huge roundabouts (my nemesis) I hated my lessons, would be a nervous wreck before each one. I still don’t know how but I passed first time with 3 minors last November! It’s an amazing feeling!

If you feel your going to be nervous i would take the test anyway and get a feel for how you’ll feel with the pressure on! The 45 minutes goes so fast it’s ridiculous, break down each instruction into little chunks, take water to sip when you’ve pulled over and chewing gum helped me keep calm and focused.

Good luck for the test is you take it, if not keep going you’ll get there xx

I took a long time to pass my test. I found that making sure I wasn’t gripping the wheel too tight made a huge difference. It sounds a bit daft but dealing with that symptom of my nerves actually seemed to relieve some of the fear. Get as much practice outside lessons as you can, just drive around without practicing manoeuvres so that the run of the mill stuff becomes automatic.