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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to let DP hatred wash over me?

41 replies

YourTroubleAndYourStripes · 29/07/2018 14:48

I truly believe at a certain age you have to take control of your life and not blame other people for your mistakes & weaknesses. Just forgive yourself and attribute mistakes to a learning experience.

Having said that, I'm 40+ single mum with 2 brilliant DS & full time responsible job. I'm busy but I manage fairly well, my life is in order, DS always come first and I earn enough to enjoy a relatively comfortable life with holidays etc. It was my choice to leave DH and we've both made the best of it, it was damn well the right thing to do.

Here's the AIBU bit......My parents. They have a great relationship with GS but I think they utterly hate me. I can't make them happy. I am considering buying a campervan for DS & me to hit the road at weekend and summer in Europe. It fits exactly with our lifestyle. So DF said he'd seen a showroom near him so I phoned to ask directions and he launched into attack of stupid this idea is and how he wouldn't do it and it was a waste of money (my money btw). Fortunately I remained calm when he was losing it and said it was my money and I would do whatever I felt was right for DS & my life regardless of his opinion.

We holidayed together a few weeks ago and whilst great with the kids, they bickered & argued between themselves. They barely spoke to me other to make passive aggressive comments about my wine consumption or me allowing DS to make noise or move (I.e seen & not heard)
I cooked all meals, I cleaned and took DS on days out. DPs didn't want to go but followed under duress with grumpy faces.

Up until this day I believed it was my fault, I was a difficult teen and they've never forgiven me, bringing up past misdemeanors at every opportunity.

AIBU to think this is not my fault anymore. It is their issue. I can't change their opinion, the damage is done, they just don't like me but I need to suck it up for the sake of their relationship with GS.

OP posts:
ShumpaLumpa · 29/07/2018 14:52

It's not healthy for your DC to see their grandparents ignore or belittle you.

Do you really want them to form their view of family relations from your parents?

I would go NC with anyone who hates me.

HolyMountain · 29/07/2018 14:54

I wouldn’t suck it up.

Tell them you’ve had enough of their attitude towards you, I agree with the pp who suggests it’s bad for your ds’s to see you treated like this.

WarmWeatherIsQuiteNiceActually · 29/07/2018 14:56

I need to suck it up for the sake of their relationship with GS.

No, this is exactly why you don't need to suck it up. Your son's don't need this.

rollingonariver · 29/07/2018 14:58

Your sons will notice, they're picking up that mum should do all the housework, they're seeing how you're being treated. Ultimately how they should treat you and maybe other women in the future too!

Caselgarcia · 29/07/2018 15:00

I'd slowly refrain from seeing them, if they ask why I'd be truthful and say you both don't seem to enjoy my company and its affecting DS seeing you so grumpy.

Original poster
YourTroubleAndYourStripes · 29/07/2018 15:06

I left my husband for the very reason I didn't want DS to build their future relationships on a toxic one. DS don't generally perceive me as a weak female. I own a socket set, I do all the DIY, I play football with them (I have a great slide tackle), I strive to cover both male & female roles as a lone parent.

I want to manage the relationship with DPs so that it damages me less but is maintained in healthy way for DS

OP posts:
pigsDOfly · 29/07/2018 15:10

You were a difficult teenager and they've never forgiven you? Bloody hell, how long can they hold a grudge.

You're a self sufficient adult. It doesn't sound from your OP like you're asking them for help for anything so just get on with your life with as little contact as you can manage.

Don't tell them too much. Buy your campervan without your father's input, his opinion is irrelevant - well done at keeping calm when he was giving his opinion on how you should spend your own money - and go on your journeys with your DS. It sounds like a wonderful idea, I wish I had had the guts to do something like that when my DC were younger.

Never spend too long in their company so you and your DS don't have to listen to them bicker, you don't have to be treated badly and your DS doesn't have to see that.

I'm not sure I'd go NC unless you decide you just can't take them any more but keeping them at arm's length might be the best way to go.

Original poster
YourTroubleAndYourStripes · 29/07/2018 15:12

Casel that is sound advice. I certainly think holidaying with them again is off the agenda. My 1 or 2 weeks with DS is too precious to be tainted. Oldest DS did ask my GP were so grumpy with each other. Sad

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 29/07/2018 15:17

My only reservation about any of your post op, was you and the kids on your own in a camper van if it broke down. I was then going to say maybe a course or two in maintenance.

I see you already own a socket set, so I shall stand down and tip my hat to you 🔧

MrsJayy · 29/07/2018 15:25

Your parents sound unhappy and miserable joyless buggers and sucking the life out of you I think you need to distance yourself not suck it up I am not sure the ages of your sons but that crap rubs off and they will be taking the negativity in. Buy your campervan and have positive holidays,

Ironmanrocks · 29/07/2018 15:25

Sorry - I have quickly read this and I believe the problem is not that they don't like you....it sounds like they don't like each other. Maybe now they are upset because you left your relationship and are doing just fine, and they got stuck in theirs? Maybe it's a bit of jealousy?? You sound fab btw!!!

ConciseandNice · 29/07/2018 15:30

Just because they are your parents they have no actual right to be in your life or that of your son. If they treat you badly, which they do, you have a right to not see them. Your son shouldn’t be seeing you treated disrespectfully. You don’t owe them anything. If I were you I’d cut off contact until they can change their attitude. In the meantime let them know that’s exactly what you are doing (so they know and gives them an opportunity to grow up) and head off to Europe for your awesome and life-affirming trip with your beautiful son. Have fun!!

MrsJayy · 29/07/2018 15:30

I agree they sound like they hate each other and turn the misery on you the kids are a distraction for them

Thedutchwife · 29/07/2018 15:36

Yourtrouble I hear you! I’m roughly the same age and I’ve only just learned to forgive myself for how I was teens and early twenties. My life could not be any more different. I know I am a great mum and wife - but my DGM (who raised me) doesn’t like me to forget my past.

She would literally remind me of something I did 10-15 years ago and try and make me feel shit about it - even just walking around the shops with her In the end I told her to stop and I don’t spend as much time with her

I’m glad that you know yourself now and secure in that. Don’t let them take your shine Flowers

ratspeaker · 29/07/2018 15:39

I see no problems with a camper van. I've had a van conversion for yonks, been around Scotland, the Lakes, festivals etc.
You can get breakdown cover for them just like a car. ( I recently had bad experience with RAC and have moved to AA)

I'd stop looking for your parents to give you approval, they sound very unhappy and maybe possibly trying to make themselves feel better by picking on you. Just like school bullies.
If neither you or your DS are feeling comfortable being around them Id reduce the time spent. You dont have to uck it up. Their choice to behave inthis manner, your choice to avoid it.

HollowTalk · 29/07/2018 15:41

Well, that would be the last holiday I'd go on with them. I think your father sounds pissed off that if you buy a camper van he and your mum won't be going on holiday with you any more. Great thinking on your part!

I would hold right back from parents like that. They're not your friends.

eddielizzard · 29/07/2018 15:42

Do your DS's want to spend time with them? It's unhealthy for your sons to see your parents treat you badly, and they (your parents) don't have a great relationship either. They need to see GOOD relationships, not bad ones. I wouldn't encourage relationships that aren't healthy. So if your parents treat your sons well, then fine. But if they don't, I would consider going NC.

HollyGibney · 29/07/2018 15:46

My parents are exactly like this. I sucked it up as I thought it was better to model good relationships to my children. Everything imploded when my children hit pre teen/early teen. My Dad who had always been a bit grumpy and withholding from me started to get really unpleasant towards my dd culminating in him absolutely bellowing at her one day. We left and have not been back but in the meantime I seem to have had rather an epiphany...My Dad Doesn't Like Me, and in turn my kids. He is noticeably different, softer and kinder with my sisters child and with my sister. So many little occurrences suddenly slotted into place, the ignoring me when I visited, the being buried in the TV or his lap top, the sudden energy and cheeriness when other people visited while we were there, to dilute the stress he was feeling at our presence I suspect. I'm NC now and feel liberated. The obligation is gone because I now know he was only ever tolerating me anyway. It's a shame about my Mum and I miss her but she wrote me the most awful letter full of lies and siding with him after the last incident and so that relationship was severed too. We were all pretending to be this happy family for so long but as an adult with my own children I can see just how much he resented me when I remember multiple various things he said and did.

Ironmanrocks · 29/07/2018 15:50

Holly - I'm really sorry to hear that...did you write back to your mum to explain how much you missed her and that it wasn't about her? Of course I have no idea if the relationship was salvageable at this point...?

HollyGibney · 29/07/2018 15:56

I had said it before that letter arrived. She's not on Social Media, only has the most basic mobile that is never switched on so the only way to message her was via my Dad. I sent to him that I realise now he's never liked me (he didn't deny it) but I do miss my Mum and that's the letter I got back. They're a bit weird though in that they see themselves as a team against the world. Great to be a team but why against absolutely everyone? I knew it would be like this though. I was always told from very young that the parent relationship was the most important one.

NutElla5x · 29/07/2018 15:56

You don't need to suck up anything op.You need to pull your parents up on their behaviour,because the more you let them treat you like this the less respect for you they'll have and the worse they will get.Nearly all teenagers give their parents a hard time in one way or another,that's normal but their treatment of you isn't.You deserve praise for being such a brilliant mum doing the best for her kids,not belittlement.Don't let your parents get away with their behaviour any longer,because eventually it will run you down and will most likely affect your boys too,if it hasn't already.

KC225 · 29/07/2018 16:03

I agree with ironmanrocks it also sounds to me that far from being unhappy with you they seem unhappy with their lot. They are the living/breathing example of what you escaped. I bet if you set up a
CCTV in their home, they would be bickering and sneering to each other and yoy wouldn't even get a mention.

I'm glad you have decided not to holiday with them again. It sounds draining and not much of a holiday for you.

If your Father was so against camper vans then why did he mention the show room. Some people can make an negative out of a dancing unicorn with candy floss in one hoof a rainbow in the other all wrapped up on a sunny day.

Oh a massive congratulations on the sliding tackle.

Original poster
YourTroubleAndYourStripes · 29/07/2018 16:12

Thanks ironman for your kind words.
Holly I'm sorry to hear your story it's so sad but it's also liberating for you in a way.

I decided some time ago that you make a choice between being happy or being sad. I went for the cup half full approach, my DPs have always been cup half empty with a leak in it, dripping rancid liquid down their arm.

I think a lot of you are right, their relationship is all pervading and that's the crux of it.

I can't explain my feelings to them as it will be received as my issue, proving their point that I am still the difficult teen they love to vilify. My best bet is to limit my time with them but pull them up on any of their negative behaviour toward each other that may impact on the boys. If explain without emotion in a matter of fact way that may resonate......?

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 29/07/2018 16:32

Some people are just bound and determined to be miserable with everything and everyone around them.

Chances are that if they aren’t sniping at your DS now, they will at some point. You’ve already said they criticize their noise(seen and not heard). Unfortunately I think that means you’ll have to restrict and supervise their time with the boys.

I think you sound a brilliant mum. Your boys are lucky to have you .

LighthouseSouth · 29/07/2018 16:34

OP "DPs didn't want to go but followed under duress with grumpy faces"

I'm confused

you don't get on with your parents but you asked for you all to go away together?

and they were grumpy because they didn't want to go?

this whole thing needs reviewing.

if you all don't get on, then your DC should be extracted from it, not plonked right into it!