AIBU to let DP hatred wash over me?

[YourTroubleAndYourStripes]

I truly believe at a certain age you have to take control of your life and not blame other people for your mistakes & weaknesses. Just forgive yourself and attribute mistakes to a learning experience.

Having said that, I'm 40+ single mum with 2 brilliant DS & full time responsible job. I'm busy but I manage fairly well, my life is in order, DS always come first and I earn enough to enjoy a relatively comfortable life with holidays etc. It was my choice to leave DH and we've both made the best of it, it was damn well the right thing to do.

Here's the AIBU bit......My parents. They have a great relationship with GS but I think they utterly hate me. I can't make them happy. I am considering buying a campervan for DS & me to hit the road at weekend and summer in Europe. It fits exactly with our lifestyle. So DF said he'd seen a showroom near him so I phoned to ask directions and he launched into attack of stupid this idea is and how he wouldn't do it and it was a waste of money (my money btw). Fortunately I remained calm when he was losing it and said it was my money and I would do whatever I felt was right for DS & my life regardless of his opinion.

We holidayed together a few weeks ago and whilst great with the kids, they bickered & argued between themselves. They barely spoke to me other to make passive aggressive comments about my wine consumption or me allowing DS to make noise or move (I.e seen & not heard)
I cooked all meals, I cleaned and took DS on days out. DPs didn't want to go but followed under duress with grumpy faces.

Up until this day I believed it was my fault, I was a difficult teen and they've never forgiven me, bringing up past misdemeanors at every opportunity.

AIBU to think this is not my fault anymore. It is their issue. I can't change their opinion, the damage is done, they just don't like me but I need to suck it up for the sake of their relationship with GS.

Thanks. Same to you. I do think there'll come a time when they start to exhibit these behaviours towards your children so I think you really need to be on your guard for that. In my experience too, talking to them never did any good, they just pretend you're attacking them and being your typical safe. We probably are being our typical selves it's just we had to put up with what they felt about that as they had all the power. As you get older the power shifts, especially when you have children of your own and difficult parents can really struggle with that.

Treating you badly in front of DS isn't being great with him in my opinion. I would limit your contact with them if they're always this controlling. DS can see them if they're really good with them but don't engage them yourself. I'd also make sure they're not going to dish out the same treatment to DS in the future.

OP, I feel for you. GET the camper van, live your life and make special memories. In my opinion, this is not crazy stuff. If you don't do it you'll regret it and just be living under your parents dictatorship. They're a bit silly with this niggling unpleasantness on a drip drip basis. Fight back a bit girl, tell them to cut it out next time or head home. Say it's pissing you off!

I bet you weren't that bad as a teenager

Have you read "Toxic parents" by Susan Forward ?

Why did you do everything on holiday; you weren't a servant! Too many people make themselves a martyr and then complain afterwards instead of sorting out the problem there and then. Three adults were there so the chores should have been shared and the kids join in helping too. You should have told them it was their turn to buy food, cook and clear away for half of the week.

It sound like you shouldn't go on holiday together again as you don't enjoy their company and plan to see them a bit less in general when at home. If you trust them and the grandchildren like them , perhaps they could take them out by themselves for a few hours then you don't have to see them. Enjoy your campervan; it sounds like a great adventure.

You don't have to put up with any of that, your boys don't need to see your parents attitude towards you, you should be able to do and go where you please, how you spend your hard earned money is up to you.

Buy a camper van, go where you want when you want and leave your parents behind, have fun, build the life you want.

We have a big camper van sales/showroom down the road from us, I might just have to take a look next time I am down that way, what you are planning sounds like an idyllic way to spend weekends and holidays.

I think a lot of people do get stuck in a sort of behavioural rut with their elderly parents....some of them have the ability to make us feel like little naughty kids again. It's very hard to snap out of this behaviour but it's also hugely toxic. If it's their approval you kind of seek....I think you have to just shrug and accept that you probably won't ever get it from them....doesn't matter how much you try and please on holidays etc. They've still got each other and their relationship with your DS.....I'm not suggesting you estrange them completely but I think you need to be confident in what you have achieved, stand up for yourself and cool off long term holiday-type contact, keep it brief. If they ask why, just say you think too much time together makes everyone get on each other's nerves. And DO just get that camper van......sounds awesome!!!

Do they have any kind of financial hold over you OP? lent you any money perhaps?

lighthouse I asked them to join us for a weekend which would have been manageable for me. They decided to stay for the week. I organised meals and ordered a big shop to be delivered knowing full well if I didn't DM would go into a massive panic, create a horrid atmosphere and an argument with DF. I'm not playing martyr I just know how it would've panned out if I'd confronted it there and then. It would've been unbearable and totally ruined holiday.
Maybe it was a stupid idea to invite them but I did (until right now) naively hope that extending these sort of olive branches would resolve everything.

It's been my wake up call, there is nothing I can do to please them and I've wasted years & years trying. I don't want to NC that's too radical but I need to manage the situation so that it doesn't negatively impact the boys.

tinkobell no financial hold. I am independent and even managed to scrape the cash together to pay off ex and buy him out of our house

holly you are very wise I can totally relate to everything you say. I would make so crap joke about sister from another mister but that's probably totally inappropriate given topic of discussion.

no more olive branches

buy your camper van and be FREE!!

sounds like loads of fun and a great way to see everything, stuff what they think.

OP - lots of people go off the rails as teenagers but it doesn't give the parents a lifelong right to belittlement at every opportunity. Sounds like you've so much to feel rightfully proud of. It's their problem if they don't see that. If they make you feel bad inside create some space.

Just see less of them and get on with your own life. It's horrible for anyone to hang onto past negatives and parents, of all people, should be forgiving.

I would just distance myself, reduce times together, be ready to say, "so sorry we already have plans that weekend - another time?"

PS Campervans are the best fun! Maybe your parent's first thought was great what a good idea - hence the suggestions and help - then the realisation that you will be forever off on your own - without them. You never know. Doesn't excuse bad behaviour though. Oh and for the record, my in laws (actually only mil) can be utterly intolerant of my 8yr old ds......and I have since found out they were intolerant of his cousins at that age too. They just forget what young children are like - noise wise and the occasional tantrum/beligerence. The cousins are now tolerated!!