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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take my son to my Grandad’s funeral

57 replies

ziggiestardust · 29/07/2018 12:14

My grandad died last night. We were all really close and we’re a loving family. We talk every day.

Anyway, my son is 7 and I don’t know whether to take him to the funeral. My Mum says death is a part of life, and we shouldn’t cover it up and hide him from it. My aunt says children have no place at a funeral.

My heart feels heavy and crunchy.

Can anyone please just give me some advice? I feel like all the family is just so emotionally charged and I want to make the right choice.

Flowers
OP posts:
Bimgy85 · 29/07/2018 12:15

Yeah take him! That's his great grandad after all. He might not feel anything but take him anyway to experience funeral etiquette

Shmithecat · 29/07/2018 12:16

Does he want to go?

PurpleDaisies · 29/07/2018 12:16

Sorry for your loss. Flowers

You know your son and whether he’s mature enough to cope with the funeral. There’s no right or wrong answer here.

sleepylittlebunnies · 29/07/2018 12:17

Does he want to go? Speak to him about it. My children have been to funerals and I think it gave them closure the same as adults. Sorry for your loss xx

SnuggyBuggy · 29/07/2018 12:17

I personally don't really get banning children from loved ones funerals but get there are different norms. At 7 he can at least be expected to behave.

Seasawride · 29/07/2018 12:17

I am so so sorry. Flowers

I would be guided firstly by the feelings of the next of kin. When my mil died fil wanted no children to attend the funeral so that was that.

Secondly it depends on how well behaved your son is. If he can sit quietly, if he can handle the occasion being somber etc then yes if not definatly not.

PotteringAlong · 29/07/2018 12:18

What does he want to do?

Original poster
ziggiestardust · 29/07/2018 12:18

My son is very kind and loving. If I ask him if he wants to go, he will say yes . But I don’t think he understands what it means. I’m afraid all the adults crying will frighten him.

OP posts:
FatCow2018 · 29/07/2018 12:19

DD1 lost her grandmother at 6. I'm so glad she went to the funeral, it really helped her grieve in the way it did for all of us, and at the wake many people said how glad they were that she was there.

Bimgy85 · 29/07/2018 12:23

Just explain to him what's happened and people will be very upset so don't be scared Hmm you could be bringing him to a lot worse

NewYearNewMe18 · 29/07/2018 12:24

I'd take him, your mum is right, death is part of the life cycle.

Sorry for your loss

missedith01 · 29/07/2018 12:25

It's your call, but I would think very careful ly about not taking him because of the risk he'll see adults being upset. He might be frightened by it, but he'll be surrounded by people who love him, and see how much they love his family and theirs. That can be a positive experience in the long run.

OhTheRoses · 29/07/2018 12:26

DS went to Great grandad's funeral when he was 5. It emerged in the hearse en-route that he was hoping to see "the bones". GG was 92; an infants perspective lightened the mood and helped the mourners to see GG's presence in bright, new life.

I always think it's sad when rigid views are expressed about these things within a family where two sides expect their views and grief to trump the grief and views of others.

dangermouseisace · 29/07/2018 12:27

If your son knew your grandad, and wants to go it seems sensible. I think it helps them get their head around death, and say goodbye. Usually funerals are a celebration of a life, especially for older people, or at least they are where I’m from.

SheepyFun · 29/07/2018 12:27

DD (5) came to my grandmother's funeral earlier this year - I'm not going to pretend it was the most fun day of her life (or anyone else's), but she's part of our family, and had very positive memories of my grandmother (who'd been well until February). I did check with my mum first through - it was her mother who'd died.

The really sad thing is that your grandfather has died, and I'm sorry for your loss. The funeral marks that, it isn't the source of the sadness.

OhTheRoses · 29/07/2018 12:27
Flowers
bandito · 29/07/2018 12:27

You could explain what will happen and ask him. Something similar happened to my DCs at this age and DD (8) wanted to go so she came whereas DS (6) wanted to stay at school as he found it comforting to follow his usual routine. As its the holidays though, think about who might be around to look after him - would need to be someone he is OK to spend the time with and can suitably talk/distract as and when needed. So that might be a factor for you.

Cherubfish · 29/07/2018 12:28

There is no right or wrong answer to this OP, but I think you need to put yourself first. Do you think that DS being there will make it harder for you to mourn as you'll be worried about him?

Crunchymum · 29/07/2018 12:30

In was 8 when my nan died and the plan was for me to go to the funeral. At the 11th hour, I changed my mind so stayed with a friends mum. My folks were happy for me to make my own choice (and had put a plan B into place by making sure there was someone to have me if I didn't want to go)

Seasawride · 29/07/2018 12:32

Also I think it is important that a child’s presence doesn’t inhibit the other adults from openly grieving which is cathartic. They shouldn’t need to feel somehow constrained as a child is present.

You should consider that too op. That was my fils opinion and I think he was right.

snowpo · 29/07/2018 12:34

My 7&8yo came to my Granny's funeral in January, they were very close to her and each did a little reading of their choice. I really think it helped them to say goodbye. We'd all done lots of crying before the funeral anyway and I explained everything that would happen which helped them prepare emotionally.

sycamore54321 · 29/07/2018 12:36

I am sorry for your loss.

In my culture, I would take him without hesitation. Losing his great granddad is upsetting to him. Attending the funeral allows him see a final goodbye and allows him understand that it's ok to be upset. Not attending and not allowing him see adults upset somehow suggests that his loss isn't all that important and that your son's feelings of loss or grief are wrong or strange.

Is your son's father on the scene? Or another of your son's close relatives on that side? It can be a good idea to have Dad as the primary person looking after your son as you will be taken up with talking to other mourners, receiving sympathy, etc and your son could get the full attention of an adult who is not as emotionally involved in the death.

At 7 of course, do talk to him about what a funeral is and I'd listen if he is very strongly opposed to attending but my default assumption would be that he goes. I think it would be very hard for him to process his grief without that.

IGiorni · 29/07/2018 12:41

My son went to his great grandma’s funeral at 7. I think it helped him to process his feelings, gave him chance to say goodbye and makes the whole concept of death being a part of life less taboo and less scary. So sorry for your loss OP Flowers

Original poster
ziggiestardust · 29/07/2018 12:46

Yes, my son’s father and I are still together. I have flexible, in home childcare during the holidays so I can work in the form of my own mother and my MIL. I’m incredibly fortunate. So I would have childcare for DS over several days if DH and I set to the funeral without him.

OP posts:
Severide08 · 29/07/2018 12:48

I am sorry for your loss OP.I lost my mum in her early 60's very sudden and my two DC's were 6 and 4 at the time .They adored their nanny they understood what had happened and they wanted to go .It will be 6yrs this year and they both now still say they were glad they went and they were able to say a final goodbye to their nanny .They behaved amazingly too I had lots of comments how beautifully behaved they were and how proud their nanny would have been. So I am in the camp of giving children a choice they will often behave and cope a lot better than we give them credit for .