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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take my son to my Grandad’s funeral

57 replies

ziggiestardust · 29/07/2018 12:14

My grandad died last night. We were all really close and we’re a loving family. We talk every day.

Anyway, my son is 7 and I don’t know whether to take him to the funeral. My Mum says death is a part of life, and we shouldn’t cover it up and hide him from it. My aunt says children have no place at a funeral.

My heart feels heavy and crunchy.

Can anyone please just give me some advice? I feel like all the family is just so emotionally charged and I want to make the right choice.

Flowers
OP posts:
BrokenWing · 29/07/2018 13:00

I had this dilemma at my dad's funeral, there is no right or wrong answer as every person and every child is different.

I chose not to take ds to the service/crematorium but he went to the reception after (my DSIL watched him and dropped him off for us). Ds wasn't sure if he wanted to go to the service or not, although I think he didn't want to but didn't want to say it incase it was the wrong thing to say.

When I was at the funeral I thought about him being there and was glad he wasn't as I could concentrate on the service, my mum, myself, and my siblings without worrying about ds at his first funeral. I also felt It took the pressure off others as they could grieve more naturally without having to think about ds being there.

He is 14 now and if there was another family funeral I would encourage him to attend, but I felt 9 was to young for him and for others.

Queenofthestress · 29/07/2018 13:03

My ds was 4 when my grandad passed so not quite the same, but I had someone to look after him for the funeral and then he attended the wake afterwards.

Vitalogy · 29/07/2018 13:05

I'd take him. Unless he's frightened and doesn't want to go.

BakedBeans47 · 29/07/2018 13:05

Sorry about your grandad. Mine died last year and I didn’t take my kids (they were 10 and 8) but they were at school. In this case I might not take him to the service but if there’s a gathering after maybe take him to that?

Vitalogy · 29/07/2018 13:06

*sorry for your loss OP.

alternativeusername · 29/07/2018 13:09

Take him if he wants to go. He may only be 7, but he's got human emotions, and he has the right to process his feelings around the death, and say goodbye just like any adult.
Sorry for your loss op Thanks

flamingnoravera · 29/07/2018 13:11

I took my (then) 5 year old son to my father's funeral and like the pp his take on it lightened the event. He asked "how will the priest get granddads coffin into the hole? Will he throw it in?" and then later after he had seen the coffin lowered in via straps he said he wanted to go home and play burying things with straps!

My father was a very amusing man and would have loved to have heard this and would have made it a family story to be told and retold at family events.
I would say take him if he wants to go, dont if he doesnt. You can preteach about what to expect, what he will see, how people might be very sad and some adults might be crying- including mummy. YOu can also preteach about how he will need to behave so that he knows in advance and can make a decision based on information.
I am so sorry for your loss- the funeral can be very cathartic.

Timeisslippingaway · 29/07/2018 13:12

I have always taken my children to grandparents funerals. I lost 3 within around 2 years of each other. They wanted to come, I wanted them to be there. Your mother is right, death is a part of life and it shouldn't be hidden from children, all the more reason for them to think it is something to fear. If he wants to go I would take him.
Sorry for your loss OP.

mavydoes · 29/07/2018 13:14

My gran died last april when my daughter was two and she went with us - caused no issues and actually made a lot of people laugh as the leader of the service got her involved as he was hugged when we introduced him.

Your call but hiding children away from scenes like this isn't always for the best unless it was an open casket and that can be scary. If your Mum is ok with him being there then aunt is just going to accept it and if gran is still about ask her choice too.

Sorry for your loss.

NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking · 29/07/2018 13:14

My parent didn’t let me go to my paps funeral when I was 13 (he was my mums stepdad), I was gutted and it still upsets me that I didn’t go a bit.

My Nan died when my sons were 7 & 9. One wanted to go the other didn’t. I respected their wishes as I didn’t want them feeling as I did.

Vitalogy · 29/07/2018 13:16

flamingnoravera Don't you just love kids. They say it how it is alright.

Moonflower12 · 29/07/2018 14:01

We took our then 4 year old to a very dear friend's funeral. He had meant an awful lot to her. He was a wonderful man who she adored. She sat with us at the back so we could go out if she looked like she was going to disrupt proceedings. She didn't. She was beautifully behaved and absolutely drawn into the service. She still talks-18 months later- of when we went to say Goodbye to Pxxxxx. So if he'd like to, please take him.

Mishappening · 29/07/2018 14:10

I do not think it hurts for children to see adults grieving - it is a fact of life. And I think it helps them to know it really is OK to be sad when something sad happens. Hiding death is not healthy.

But you know your child best.

They can be very matter-of-fact about death, alongside their sadness. I remember going to my grandad's new grave with my Nan and my older brother asked if they could dig him up and see what he looked like now.

Children deal with this in their own ways; and personally I think it is right for them to see the process of how we deal with our grief.

I am sorry that your family have suffered this bereavement. Flowers

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 29/07/2018 14:14

Funerals are obviously very sad but they can be a good way for children to see other people talking and remembering their loved one.

Cupcakecafe · 29/07/2018 14:21

My sister was 8 when my grandfather died, and she came to the funeral. She doesn't really remember it now, but at the time it really helped her with understanding he was gone.
I was 13 at the time and remember the funeral, but only little bits, more the waiting for the cars beforehand and the wake afterwards. Personally I'm glad I was there because it gave me closure.
I also went to my grandma's funeral when I was 5 but I dont remember that at all.

At 7, if he would behave and you could explain it so he understood I would probably take him. He is unlikely to remember much about it in the future, but it may help him understand and cope now.

Cupcakecafe · 29/07/2018 14:29

To add to that, my cousins didn't go to the funeral. Whether that was their choice or my aunt and uncles I don't know.
But there isn't a right or wrong answer, it's what you feel is right for your son.

Sorry for your loss, and I hope the funeral goes as well as these things can. Flowers x

THEsonofaBITCH · 29/07/2018 14:35

Sorry for your loss. It is very individual based on maturity but also on what type of service. DC have been to several funerals but I left them at home for one that started was more of an "Irish" wake. The body was in an open casket with a shot of whiskey in his hands. Everyone was drinking heavily and telling stories of their experiences with the deceased. I don't think appropriate for kids at that one. There are other types too that I don't think would be kid appropriate but in the main should be fine.

Yuckyuckdandeliongood · 29/07/2018 14:56

My kids are going to my grandad funeral next week and are younger than yours. Didn't occur to me not to. They know what's happened and accepted it. But if he doesn't want to go don't force it

Confusedbeetle · 29/07/2018 15:02

I think it is very important for him to go. If he was close, it will help him grieve, If not it will help him learn about death. At 7 children have a good understanding of the permanence of death and he needs to learn that you are sad about it too. Without this, he will be a little confused. You need to prepare him and tell him although everyone will be sad. it is a way of saying goodbye. There is a lovely book called "Badgers Parting Gifts" to help children deal with loss

Original poster
ziggiestardust · 29/07/2018 16:27

confused thank you, I will definitely check out that book.

OP posts:
Awayandcuddlemahumph · 29/07/2018 17:00

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I don't think there's a right or wrong answer here, but my Grandpa died when DS1 was 7 and he came to the funeral. He wanted to go to say goodbye but mostly I think he was curious about what happened at funerals. We explained that people would be upset and that we might see grown ups crying that he'd never seen crying before, but that was OK. He chose to wear his school trousers and shoes, and a smart grey jumper. On the day he was absolutely fine (put an arm around me to comfort me after I'd done a reading, which set the entire congregation bawling) and attended the church and the wake, but not the burial - he didn't want to go to the cemetery and I was quite content with that decision.

Apart from the fact that he had a lovely wee relationship with his Great-Grandpa, and it was important to say goodbye, we also thought that when he has to go to a funeral in the future (fingers crossed this will be a long, long way in the future), it will inevitably be someone whom he has a closer relationship with and it will be helpful to him to have experienced a funeral and to know that it's not scary.

Something to think about is whether you will be OK with him coming - ie will you be able to grieve and gain some comfort/closure from the funeral or will you be too busy worrying about your son. Also can you have someone on standby to take him out if it gets too much for him?

Go with your instinct on this, and hope everything goes as well as it can do Flowers

BikeRunSki · 29/07/2018 17:01

Take him. After dh’s gm’s funeral, FiL (the son of the lady who had died) said that seeing his grandchildren and great nephews and nieces really lifted his spirits.

Rebecca36 · 29/07/2018 17:06

Take your son. Seven is not too young at all. My son went to great grandmother's funeral at eight and was fine. It helps kids to understand and come to terms with death, they also don't feel excluded!

headinhands · 29/07/2018 17:08

Not having children at a funeral seems to be a south thing. I've taken mine to funerals from when they can sit and be quiet.

ElspethFlashman · 29/07/2018 17:09

I would bring my kids without a second thought. But then I live in Ireland where funerals are a community event and kids routinely go.

One thing kids always appreciate is the bit during the burial where you throw dirt/flowers on the coffin down in the grave. That's always a meaningful moment which gives them a lot of closure.

I've also seen in my family some of the grandkids write cards i. E "thanks for being a brilliant grandad, I love you, I'll miss you lots and lots" and at the funeral home just before they put on the lid, they were invited to give them to the deceased to be buried with them. And they pop them in the coffin. That's nice too.