To feel upset my friend is pregnant again by her abusive partner

[lilacskye]

My friend had two children with him. Slowly, it emerged that despite appearing to have a perfect life, they were actually in a very abusive and frightening relationship.

In the end things became so dangerous for her. I had to ring women’s aid on her behalf and was all set for her to go.

She stayed. But now she’s pregnant again.

I don’t know. I do understand - I do. At the same time I feel like she’s made such a huge, huge mistake and I can’t see her leaving now.

It's easy to say 'walk away' but the reality is much more complex. I had this with a friend, at one point she phoned saying she was suicidal and could I send her X amount of money for a flight. She booked the flight but then decided to stay. She got pregnant again, he left her (yay! said all around) and she is now chasing him whilst s lagging him off to anyone who'll listen. It is very hard as a friend to watch all of this, I will always be a listening ea r but for my own MH have had to take a step back.

I know. But I know she won’t leave now, with three tiny children.

Yes, it’s really sad and frustrating.

I’m really sorry to hear this and I know it’s difficult but are children’s services aware of this? If not I think you should let them know, she is an adult and can make her own decisions but her children are in danger and need protection

Horrible situation. I guess you can’t make her decisions for her but it’s tough for you as a mate, especially when you’ve helped her so much in the past.

Never say never. Easy to say i know. I had a friend in similar position; i was regularly being called in the evenings to collect her kids as he had kicked off, usually when pissed. One night i made her come too. After 2 weeks at mine she got into a refuge, was offered a move closer to her family. She stayed, went back home & had another baby.
Fast forward a year & she is now out of the area, doing really well, with full custody of her kids after a court battle. Social stepped in to help, are they aware of your friend? if not please contact them!

SS are not aware.

I think in this instance a third pregnancy does mean ‘never’ or at least ‘not for at least a decade’

This was my life. I probably never would have left! Luckily, he did, right after I gave birth to baby number 4

Why are ss not aware? Are the children safe?

Why are SS not aware?

If she won't leave then make a referral to them and protect the children. It's her choice as an adult to make to stay with him but they don't have the luxury of choice.

OP please please protect these children, they don’t deserve to live in an abudive home.

You can contact the NSPCC for advice or call your local council and report to children’s services dept

www.nspcc.org.uk/what-you-can-do/report-abuse/

Definitely agree that SS should be aware, as others have said those children don't have a choice and shouldn't have to live in an abusive home...it might even make the mum realise what she is at risk of losing

I understand why it's difficult for women to leave abusive relationships but I can't understand why they would bring more children into them. It's very unfair on the child.

For the children's sake you have to contact social services - even if it means the end of the friendship. If she is not willing or able to put her DC's first, and her husband clearly doesn't, they desperately need an adult on their side.

The children are safe enough. She isn’t.

If the children are living in a home with someone who abuses their mother, or are regularly seeing abusive treatment of her even if he lives elsewhere, they are not safe. They may not be being directly physically abused but there is still a huge impact on them.

If she isn't safe, then neither are they. Witnessing abuse is damaging.

Oh, so you want to complain about her situation but not actually do anything to safeguard her or her children.

I found out my friend was in an abusive marriage when her 3rd child was about 1. Youngest is now almost 2 and she's just left him. But it took for him to start abusing the eldest before she did it. That was "the last straw" and she took all 3 kids and left - she'd recently been left a house after her mother died though so she had somewhere to go. But she always said the same thing "I can cope with it, and he'd never hurt the kids". Well now he has. If you think her children are safe but she isn't then you're a fool.

poor kids, brought up in an abusive marriage. She has choices, hard as they are.

the kids will be mentally damaged even if they don't get thumped or assaulted. Please, please report.

60% of children witnessing DV end up being physically injured themselves (often caught in the crossfire) and 100% are emotionally harmed.

I think some people are being a bit naive.

SS won’t come swooping down and rescue the children from a terrible situation you know.

Besides, how could any of it be proved?

OP I grew up in an abusive home. I wish to god someone had reported what was going on.

If nobody tries to help those kids will grow up traumatised and possibly abused. Either way it’s awful and you must report. If your friend chooses to stay then that’s one thing but you have the opportunity to help the little ones who cannot decide anything for their future.

Also there is a v strong risk that something awful could happen to your friend. You can ask SS how they will approach the situation when you call them. Please do so.

Actually I have known people to have their kids removed because they refuse to leave abusive relationships.! so what are you on about op?

SS dont work on proof they work on suspicion!