To feel upset my friend is pregnant again by her abusive partner

[lilacskye]

My friend had two children with him. Slowly, it emerged that despite appearing to have a perfect life, they were actually in a very abusive and frightening relationship.

In the end things became so dangerous for her. I had to ring women’s aid on her behalf and was all set for her to go.

She stayed. But now she’s pregnant again.

I don’t know. I do understand - I do. At the same time I feel like she’s made such a huge, huge mistake and I can’t see her leaving now.

I have a friend who admitted her H is abusive to her. Long story short SS know and because she denies they can’t do anything to protect the dc’s. It’s heartbreaking but I can’t help unless/until she wants the help. She says she does now and then but she’s not there yet. Same as pp above ‘he wouldn’t hurt the children’ is often quoted.

SS don't need to watch a beating to know what an abusive situation is.

She isn’t being beaten.

Besides even Women’s Aid said that custody would be shared.

They wouldn't be exposed to their Mother being abused if their parents aren't together.

Yes but she won’t leave him.

So what is he doing to her that’s abusive?

You described her relationship as very abusive and frightening. Can you give some more details to that then?

Butterflykisses you want more details of the abuse? Are you just being prurient, or are you going to claim it's just so that you can give specially tailored advice? Because it reads as prurience to me.

SS can & do remove children if mother's refuse to leave abusive homes. They started the process with my friend!!!

Unfriend her and leave her to it.

I would have no patience for this selfish stupidity from her. Making herself a martyr then jumping into bed with him and letting herself become pregnant again. Another victim is born, yay.

wtf are you on about? the op said she isnt being beaten but also said the relationship is very abusive and frightening. Im asking which it is! whether there is violence or not. No ide what your going on about.

And I agree with you mustbemad, My sister worked as a contact superviser and the main reason why the children were taken of their mothers were because they refused to leave their violent partners.

But SS would have to know about it, for example if the school reported concerns or perhaps family and friends. The OP appears to me to be talking about EA and control, her friend isn't being beaten. EA is much harder to prove.

If the OP were to report it to SS, then it's possible that her friend would deny it and potentially cut her off, especially if her abusive partner took against the OP as a result. If her DC are well cared for and there isn't any evidence of DV, there wouldn't be anything that SS could do.

Social worker here and a large number of the cases I work are to do with Domestic abuse. You are very naive if you think the children are not affected. Not being beaten doesn't matter children are ALWAYS affected even in uterus. There is so much research about this!!

I’d report to SS and unfriend her honestly saying you can’t watch this continue from aside anymore.
I grew up in an abusive home. I am not sure if people reported my mum or not, even if they did she’d protect my dad come what may. I really hope they did report her even if nothing came about from it. To continue to put dc in that situation is abusive on its own let alone continue to make more dc. My mum always said how happy she was when she had my younger dsis. Makes me so so angry. Not only did she bring another dc into the mess she had less resource to protect her current dc.
All my siblings have left home now. None of us go home voluntarily. My mums still there. 40 years still there. An absolute selfish fool. I tell her so now. It doesn’t matter what anyone offers her she’s still dragging around behind my dad questioning things like how dare we not buy him a birthday present.
Unfriend. You’re actually enabling her anyway. Looks more normal from the outside world en she claims to have solid friendships

In was in this situ. I left when my 3rd was 5mths old. So it is possible.

I'd unfriend too and report. I couldn't live with myself knowing innocent children were involved. Society should protect them if the parents won't.

You'd have to be very naive to believe that abuse of a spouse doesn't affect the children.

It's often incredibly difficult for an abused woman to leave a partner for a number of reasons:

1. Her children and pets. Sometimes if the children aren't physically at risk their father will be given partial custody. Many shelters won't take pets.

1. The risk for physical violence and even homicide escalates when a woman tries to leave. This is the most dangerous time for her. The sad reality is that if she leaves and is killed or seriously injured by her spouse, the children could well end up with no parents at all - Mum dead or unable to care for them, Dad in prison for harming Mum.

1. She may have limited resources to leave. Many abusers don't allow their victims to work or to have outside contacts. Some won't even allow their victims to have money (i.e. all accounts are in the abuser's name and the victim may not even be allowed a bank card).

Keep in mind that the pregnancy may have been unplanned. It's possible her husband is also sexually abusing her and won't allow her to use birth control and won't use any himself.

It's not as simple as saying "walk away". Moreover, many of us ladies who say we would never tolerate that are not the kind of women who would be sought out by an abusers. Abusers want women they can control and dominate. They won't choose independent women who know their own minds for the precise reason that those women aren't able to be dominated. Many abused women are simply so beaten down that they don't believe they have the resources or the personal worth to even consider seeking help.

@agnurse noone has said it’s easy. It’s definitely possible and less possible when friends are sat there enabling them.

Abusers want women they can control and dominate. They won't choose independent women who know their own minds

That’s not always true. Research shows that some misogynistic abusers deliberately choose high flying/strong women to gaslight, chip away at and ‘take down a peg’.

A woman may not start as a mouse but often ends up as one.

I understand why it's difficult for women to leave abusive relationships but I can't understand why they would bring more children into them. It's very unfair on the child

Many women in that situation don't have the choice.

SS dont work on proof they work on suspicion!

No they don't. If they get a report, interview the couple and they both say everything is fine, then nothing will happen. Nothing.

That was the situation with my friend agnurse. Her husband wouldn't let her work, have money or a bank account so she had no way to leave. He also sexual abused her and refused to use bc/ let her use it. Every time she started to get the strength to leave he would force her into another pregnancy and set her back at square one. Previous attempts to leave him resulted in him nearly killing them all and their youngest by swerving the car off the road. The only reason she managed to leave now was that her mother died and left her the house. She literally only has a few $100 in the world so I'm terrified she'll be forced back to him when it runs out. Divorce lawyers in the US aren't exactly cheap, and I know he's going to drag it out to make it as financially ruinous as possible for her. I'm not in the US myself so sadly there's very little practically that I can do to help!